"Mommy Uncle is touching me......."

@allknowing (61636)
India
December 14, 2012 7:41am CST
The teacher in her school has told this kid that she should report to her parents if she finds anyone touching her inappropriately. How would you handle the situation if that "Uncle" is the favourite of the family or someone who is an asset around?
11 people like this
31 responses
• United States
14 Dec 12
Even the title makes me angry and I cringe with just the thought of this being done to any child, let alone my own. I would, without any hesitation, immediately contact the authorities and tell them what happened. And I say IMMEDIATELY because I don't know what I PERSONALLY would do to him. So, in order for me to stay out of jail, I'd better do this very fast. This is no asset, this is a freak of nature.
@allknowing (61636)
• India
15 Dec 12
Not all think the way you do Kash... It is possible that even if the child does not report the parents must be turning a blind eye to this for fear of the consequences that would follow. It is this indifference on the part of the parents that these things happen with gay abandon. The only alternative here would be for a third party to take law in their hands and proceed, and proceed they must!.
3 people like this
• Jacksonville, Florida
14 Dec 12
I would not care if it was an uncle, grandma or grandpa...NOBODY would EVER touch my children in an inapropriate manner. The minute I find out that person WILL be behind bars for a VERY long time. My kids are my world and I would never not listen to them on this or ignore it. Most children do NOT lie about these kind of things! My children know it is very wrong to lie and so I would take some action! There is a person in my family who I really do not trust with my kids, they just have a weird vibe where I would not trust them alone with them. So, I keep them away from this person! Don't care if their family or not, I do not trust them therefore they will NOT be near my kids alone ever!!
4 people like this
@allknowing (61636)
• India
15 Dec 12
You are applying the rule "Prevention is better than cure" Your getting the vibes about certain relatives in your family is a good thing as you know relatives cannot be trusted. Have you also told your kids about this?
2 people like this
• United States
15 Dec 12
Definitely prevention is better, especially in a case like this. As some have shared already, the physical and psychological effects can shadow the victim the rest of their lives! If there's even a hint of it, you must do something to protect the child! You also have to listen to the kids and ensure that they know they can trust you to take care of them and that they can tell you something embarrassing like this. A lot of them are told that it's just "their secret" or that "mommy won't believe" them and it takes a lot of courage for them to be able to say something. They have to be able to trust that someone will protect them from this situation. Good for you LMB!
3 people like this
@allknowing (61636)
• India
15 Dec 12
As parents they should avoid occasions where children are left alone with male friends or relatives specially involving them with any kind of activities. It is an occasion for those with weak minds for exploitation. All this time such acts were kept under wraps but people are now slowly coming out with facts and one can say con that these things are more rules than exceptions.
3 people like this
@sid556 (31006)
• United States
14 Dec 12
well, the school by law will be reporting it to the state and dcyf will get notified. i would not look at any one as an asset who would molest a child and they would instantly lose favorite status and should. i would report it right away.
4 people like this
@allknowing (61636)
• India
15 Dec 12
Many a time, the fear of the entire family getting stigmatised discourages the victims from making it public. Nothing as serious as this has happened to the children I know. But could it be that it skipped my attention and may be even yours? Just a thought!
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31006)
• United States
15 Dec 12
oh i would hope not. one of my girls was molested years ago and while i was not aware of what was going on with her i did know something was not right in her behavior. i got help right off to get to the bottom of it.
1 person likes this
@allknowing (61636)
• India
15 Dec 12
Would you mind sharing how you tackled this rather delicate matter!?
1 person likes this
@pomwango (1355)
• Kenya
14 Dec 12
kids are abused most by people they know and trust,normaly a relative or a close friend to the family .it doesnt matter how helpful this person is, they need to sent away far from that child because the damage done can turn out to be so bad later on, we should not ignore this warning signs and early enough.
4 people like this
@allknowing (61636)
• India
15 Dec 12
It is only now that such things have come to light atleast here in India. The long winded procedure when a situation such as this is reported to authorities could discourage the persons involved from doing so. Could it then be handled within the four walls of a family set up? When a family member is involved the repercussions of having to make public such incidents could mar the family as a whole. What would be your approach? Has anything like this happened in and around you? And if so, how was it handled? Or could it be that you never thought such a thing is possible?
2 people like this
• United States
14 Dec 12
The same way that I would if I found out anyone was touching my kid inappropriately. I don't care who it is... anyone who does that sort of thing to a child is not an asset to have around!
4 people like this
@allknowing (61636)
• India
15 Dec 12
The consequences of reporting such incidents need to be weighed atleast in some situations where the "Uncle" could be enjoying a position of status be it in the family or elsewhere. In that scenario what would be your approach? No doubt such incidents need to be handled but how?
2 people like this
• Philippines
14 Dec 12
for me i wouldn't care if he is a favorite "uncle", the parents may feel the same way i do too because it is their child. what the "uncle" is doing to the child is one form of rape, it will also create some sort of bad effect to the girl's growing up years if not put in check. the "uncle" must be stopped by any means, and the girl must go to a psychologist. i suggest you help the girl's parents or the girl itself, you can report it directly to the police or to any agency that caters to that problem.
4 people like this
@allknowing (61636)
• India
15 Dec 12
Sometimes the situation is such that reporting an "Uncle" on whom the family depends for their survival could stop them from reporting. May be the parents could resort to a round about way in that a third party could be discretely involved. Just a thought?
2 people like this
@pergammano (7755)
• Canada
14 Dec 12
There is ABSOLUTELY "NO" alternative...in my World,BUT to bring in the authorities!!!! The ONE true thing that I am qualified in this world to DO...is be a Mother (and that has been proven by the great child I have! My ONE true obligation (to die for) in this world,is that I am "in charge of" to PROTECT my child! Sorry, favourite Uncle...there has been disparaging and sickening light shed upon you, and you will have to face the music! I am NOT qualified to deal with a horrendous situation like this...I have the empathy, but not the knowledge..nor am I able to mete the physcological help needed to heal this wound! I am very adamant about this! My response...take it or leave it! EW! Just makes me angry!
4 people like this
@allknowing (61636)
• India
15 Dec 12
Protecting the child is possible only if the child reports, perga... All these years this subject was taboo. But now thanks to some deep thinkers - I call them deep thinkers, efforts are being made to educate the child about what can be called affection and what is not. And even then all cases would not be exposed yet, for several reasons. The child itself may not mind the experience, hopefully not though. Also, the culprit would perhaps shower the child with gifts after extracting a promise that the child should not talk about it. The good news however is that a child normally has great faith in its teachers and something worthwhile may after all emerge! @Hatley - It is sad that you could not tell the authorities that it was not a car accident!
3 people like this
@jaiho2009 (39021)
• Philippines
14 Dec 12
Because kids trust their family members. And other family members won't suspect those closest relatives either. It's really difficult to digest that thought. Even we have doubts that the suspect might be the uncle, father, brother- but we dismiss such thought because it's hard to digest the truth.
3 people like this
@allknowing (61636)
• India
15 Dec 12
And to think that from now on we have to keep a keen eye on relatives is truly frightening. But as Lovingmyabies said in Box No.4, one gets the vibes about certain relatives the way they go about and this perhaps is the best way to pick those who would be the culprits and keep a vigil. The fact remains relatives or as you said every male member known could be culprits.
2 people like this
• United States
15 Dec 12
I believe I would look into it and set em up for the truth. wheather it is true or not true NEVER over look that it might be true...think it out question the child and when in doubt and unbelief , then set up some way to investigate it. even if you have to take the child to the doctor and see if she has been touched.. sometimes some want attention but yet better to be sure then regret it later. I do not know how old but small children should never be alone . It really makes me anger and hurt when a child is abused or hurt or I hear of it.. too many sick o's..of couse one is going to say no but yet if caught he cannot say no...if one hurts one child , they may hurt another also..
2 people like this
@allknowing (61636)
• India
15 Dec 12
What is frightening is the belief that those friends of family and close family members will never indulge in such crimes. This thinking needs to change. A vigilant eye is what is called for and as you said small children should never be alone. The thought that no one can be trusted can go a long way in reducing such crimes. Also it is easy to isolate those who have such tendencies the way they look at their probable victims. Children sometimes do make up stories and that can be easily verified and once that is done the process as you have suggested can begin.
1 person likes this
• United States
15 Dec 12
sometimes best friends and familys are not whom they seem.. we all have had problems and things happen we are not aware of till later on but just hear and watch closely what a child may say for they say it for a reason right or wrong true or false it is a reason ..better to know and not to know.. some bad apples fall even if they are kin ..some good , some bad in all familys...
@allknowing (61636)
• India
16 Dec 12
Sad but true Children think that the culprit is showing affection until elders let the child know specially in schools what an affectionate touch is and what is not.
• United States
15 Dec 12
I feel a parent has to protect the child at all costs. If a child reports it to a teacher or to the parent it has to be dealt with and not ignored or swept under the rug. The child is the victim. A parent cannot maintain a relationship with a child molester. The child would be vulnerable.
2 people like this
@allknowing (61636)
• India
15 Dec 12
One never knows what kind of aftermath one would face with this approach. I therefore feel such matters need careful handling and counselor perhaps could do that so that nothing disastrous happens as a result.
1 person likes this
• United States
15 Dec 12
Uncle should be locked up so he can't abuse another child. Then yes, the child will likely need counseling. No adult has any business roughing a child that way. It's a crime.
@allknowing (61636)
• India
16 Dec 12
The first thing that comes to mind is to punish the culprit and for this the victim also gets punished in the process, considering the procedures that one needs to go through. If one can handle it in such a way that the culprit gets punished without having to involve the authorities I feel that could be a better alternative and here again the third party that is involved should see that what follows will not harm the victim in any way in the future.
@jenny1015 (13390)
• Philippines
15 Dec 12
Whether he seems to be the "GOOD UNCLE" in the family or not, I would still need to file charges against him. He has no right in any way to be doing such a thing whether it be his own daughter or not.
1 person likes this
@allknowing (61636)
• India
15 Dec 12
Most here say the same thing -report. But is it that easy. Someone who the family admires, loves and depends on and the next moment he is in hand cuffs? Very difficult.There has to be some other way and I truly do not know how best such a thing can be handled. What comes to my mind is to discretely involve a third party who can handle it without giving it publicity.
1 person likes this
@jenny1015 (13390)
• Philippines
15 Dec 12
I wouldn't allow another day to pass without seeing him in handcuffs or behind bars. NO matter what other might have perceived him as the "goody goody", still justice should be given to the child. A child would never lie to a parent with a thing like that. I mean, where and how can I child think of saying something like that?
2 people like this
@jenny1015 (13390)
• Philippines
16 Dec 12
Allknowing, yu just made me laugh so hard! But you could be true, you know.
@chrystalia (1209)
• Tucson, Arizona
15 Dec 12
As a survivor (my father, not an uncle)--and even if I weren't a survivor--he'd be toast. Police, courts, public humiliation (always assuming he didn't run into me in a dark alley one night first). She shouldn't just tell her parents--sometimes, as I well know, that does NOTHING. Here, they tell kids to tell the teacher, then a school counselor, all kinds of stuff they didn't when I was a kid. And it still happens frequently, even so. People who do this are beyond sick--they have found here that most of them can't be "fixed" so to speak. That being the case, they should be treated as the rabid animals they are, by everyone. Doing something like that to or with a child is NEVER excusable, or acceptable, and it never should be.
1 person likes this
@allknowing (61636)
• India
15 Dec 12
Not all situations are that simple that these culprits be treated as rabid animals chrys.... - atleast not here. The father figure stays that way even if he were to be a nuisance around. Apart from this crime these fathers are known to be drunkards, womanisers, et al but they are worshiped. The least a child could do is not to tell the parents but their teachers who could discretely handle the situation. I say discretely as, should the father come to know how the teacher got wind of the situation hell will break loose!
• Tucson, Arizona
15 Dec 12
Sounds to me like you need a little societal mind set change over there (and we do here, too!). Don't get me wrong, I am not a danged feminist or anything--far from it. But when the males are "worshiped" they should also be firmly taught to act properly, to earn that worship--and pay serious consequences when they abuse it. And it shouldn't be given to those undeserving. It's not all that great over here, of course--lots of single parent households, fathers who don't provide for their families, abuse, etc. But that doesn't make it acceptable or right. It's just one of the many things that people have to decide to work on, and one of the areas where law enforcement and the government shouldn't get away with being negligent. Things used to be somewhat better over here when I was a kid--because males were pressured to act properly--now, not so much.
1 person likes this
@allknowing (61636)
• India
15 Dec 12
NGOs here are fighting tooth and nail to address this issue but it is so deeply rooted that it will take as much time as it took to get there! I must narrate to you an incident where this woman was all excited that her husband visited her and that she was pregnant. The fact was he had another woman and he had left this poor lady. But the fact that she got pregnant made her feel that her husband still loved her Ugh... So much for ignorance!
@shaggin (36364)
• United States
15 Dec 12
It is so important to protect our children. It doesnt matter how much I may love that person or how helpful that person is or how big a part of our lives that person may be if my child said that someone was touching them inappropriately they would never be allowed around my child again. My kids have a great uncle who now has a gf and 3 kids but when he was young he molested a lot of his cousins so I dont trust him and would never let him around my kids alone.
1 person likes this
@allknowing (61636)
• India
15 Dec 12
You are fortunate that you were able to keep that person who was known for molesting children in your family away from your kids. How did you do it? Were your children informed about the possible danger? Or did you cut off relations with him, after letting him know why you did it?
1 person likes this
@shaggin (36364)
• United States
15 Dec 12
I actually didnt even know about this until my daughter was a few years old and my brother in laws ex girlfriend told me. He had never told anyone before that not even his parents. I know other people told their parents what he did but they just brushed it off and acted like it wasent true. Its all kept hushed hushed though and that bothers me because if the ex girlfriend hadent told me I may have allowed my children to play at his house with his kids. Even if he doesnt do this anymore it still worries me because of his past.
1 person likes this
@allknowing (61636)
• India
16 Dec 12
What I can gather from this is this man is sick and needs professional care. All this while every one took it for granted that close friends and family could be trusted. With awareness programmes in place parents will keep a vigilant eye and this will take care of mishaps atleast to some extent.
@SIMPLYD (78119)
• Philippines
15 Dec 12
No matter who he is, if he touches my child, he will pay for it dearly. I will see to it that he rots in jail.
1 person likes this
@allknowing (61636)
• India
15 Dec 12
Sending someone to jail is a long drawn out process SIMPLYD. In an attempt to do it sometimes the innocent are booked. No doubt any mother would want that the culprit is booked but the ordeal one has to face sometimes discourages victims from resorting to this mode. Here in India victims get worn out with the inordinate delays to get justice.
1 person likes this
@SIMPLYD (78119)
• Philippines
18 Dec 12
Yes, that is the same here in the Philippines, allknowing. That's why sometimes some people put the justice into their hands.
@allknowing (61636)
• India
18 Dec 12
That is the only solution.
• Canada
1 Jan 13
I will listen to what the child has to say, and investigate. If the allegations turn out to be true, I can change my mind about the favourite Uncke in a heartbeat. I would akso report him to the police, if he was guilty, and I could prove it.
1 person likes this
@allknowing (61636)
• India
2 Jan 13
That would obviously be any one's first reaction. But one needs to weigh the pros and cons of any situation. May be that person could be warned and also told that he is being watched. Just a thought. By and large the less a child is kept alone the better it would be.
1 person likes this
@nytrisco (567)
• Philippines
15 Dec 12
It should be reported even though he is the favorite uncle, cousin, or even grandpa. If the parents would not listen to it, they maybe set a hidden camera to capture as an evidence and report it to the police.
1 person likes this
@allknowing (61636)
• India
15 Dec 12
If it was that easy things would not have been the way they are today. Here in India it is just about happening - educating the child, that is. This issue was never discussed before even where bigger children were involved. This indeed is a step in the right direction. It will take time for parents to handle the situation in the manner it should. After all they have to deal with someone who is loved and has a position of status in the family.
• China
15 Dec 12
First,warning.Secondly,you can turn to you parents for help.Thirdly, calling the police,finding a lawyer, useing of all can give you strength .
1 person likes this
@allknowing (61636)
• India
15 Dec 12
I have expressed in comments above how difficult it is to handle this delicate matter as punishing relatives who are considered to be guardians rather than culprits is something that is difficult to digest and needs an approach that will not expose the family. Exposing one member would mean exposing the whole family, something that is not acceptable.
@mariaperalta (19096)
• Mexico
15 Dec 12
Id still tell the police.. as this is uncalled for. We have this alot in Mexico. people are poor here.. and brothers and sister live with other family members.
1 person likes this
@allknowing (61636)
• India
15 Dec 12
Here in India reporting to authorities would mean making it public - a permanent stigma on the child who would have to face society as though she is the culprit. We have a long way to go to believing that close contacts are capable of such crimes. A beginning is made and at this point in time parents are expected to handle this rather delicate issue.
@zurichann (235)
• Philippines
15 Dec 12
Regardless of who that person is, this has to be reported to the authorities at once. Every child and woman deserves to be respected and not because he's an 'Uncle' that is favourite or an asset doesn't mean they can just get away doing something like that. This kind of shouldn't be tolerated. I had experienced being sexually harassed in our office by someone of a higher position but this doesn't stopped me from filing a complaint against him.
1 person likes this
@allknowing (61636)
• India
15 Dec 12
Many here have suggested that it should be reported. But will it be done, knowing what the consequences would be? Depending on individual cases this could drag on for years as is the case with anything that is reported. It may not pan out the way the victims would expect it to. Is there any other way and if so what is that way?
@robspeakman (1705)
15 Dec 12
The only option in a situation like that is to involve the police. The only other option to deal with the issue yourself and that is not going to end well is it?
1 person likes this
@allknowing (61636)
• India
15 Dec 12
It is not as easy as you think as it depends on the relationship the family has with the person concerned.What if the "Uncle" turns out to be the father? People hesitate to do it. A round about way whatever it is perhaps could work? And what is that round about way? Any idea?