Advice PLEASE!!
By celticeagle
@celticeagle (159008)
Boise, Idaho
December 30, 2012 5:44am CST
Okay so my granddaughter hasn't been over for along time. SHe turned 21 December 20 and was here then and still is. It has been nice to see her and meet her boyfriend and all that. Well she has a bad reputation here in this apartment complex. Choices she made back when she a troubled teen. So now she is staying here saying she is going to live on such and such a day, something happens so its bumped up a couple days. Blah, blah, and blah. She has no job, her boyfriend doesn't either. They were living over at his dad's but he got kicked out afew days ago. The apartment we live in is Section 8 and they have ALOT of rules/regulations and if you don't go by them they will kick you out, we lose the Secion 8 voucher for two years. They told us about two years ago when we tried to put my granddaughter on our lease that she was not allowed to live here because of what went down before. Now she has stayed the holidays and she needs to go. I feel bad. It has been in the 20's the last few days and she and her boyfriend are living in his car. Oh yes! But it is her choice to live with him too. She has another place she could stay but not with her boyfriend along. So what is a grandmother to do? The regulations here read a person can only stay about 2 days out of a month. She has been here since the 20th or 21st. I figured Housing wouldn't say anything if she was here for Christmas. There is a on site manager living here that doesn't like her. I think if she is here during the day it would be okay but if she is here in the evening it will look like she is staying here. And if the on site manager sees her we are in trouble. So any ideas? What can i say to her? What can I do? I have already explained it all to her. And if it were left up to her mother she would just let her stay here regardless. That is how my daughter thinks. Not real responsible and very self satisfying regardless who it hurts. And I can see it cause she is her mother too. But I would rather see two young persons roughing it than see me, my daughter and my grandson kicked out and homeless. We have no where else to go! Your thoughts.
7 people like this
19 responses
@lacieice (2060)
• United States
30 Dec 12
Hate to say it, but she has to go. For one thing, she is being inconsiderate by expecting you to put your housing in danger by staying. I know you love her and want her to be safe, but what good would it do for you to get kicked out of your home? Maybe she can find a friend or another relative to stay with for a while, but the untimate solution is for her to acquire her own housing either by finding a job or applying for some sort of assistance.
2 people like this
@celticeagle (159008)
• Boise, Idaho
31 Dec 12
Yes, she is being inconsiderate. She has another place where SHE can stay but she wants to stay with her BF. She is applying for help. I just don't understand why he isn't out looking for work.
@celticeagle (159008)
• Boise, Idaho
17 Jan 13
ANd I won't. I think I might have been alittle more forgiving if she didn't keep expecting us to put up with her boyfriends too.
@wilsongoddard (7291)
• United States
30 Dec 12
Show her the door. If you want to be nice (and can afford it), you can pay for a night or two at an inexpensive motel.
She has made her choice to be with a guy who has no money, and she has made the choice not to have any of her own income apparently. While she may not be able to find a full-time position, between the two at least one of them should have a part-time or temp job.
At some point, she will get tired of being homeless and will take some steps to change the situation-- whether that means getting a job, going back to school or finding another boyfriend who can support her.
2 people like this
@celticeagle (159008)
• Boise, Idaho
31 Dec 12
Pay for a room for them? I don' think so. She has made her choices. You'd think he'd be looking for work but he isn't. You would think she would get tired of being homeless and we keep letting her stay here that isn't going to happen.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (159008)
• Boise, Idaho
17 Jan 13
But her moms lets her come back. We finally got it handled. I think you responded to the latest one tonight.
@wilsongoddard (7291)
• United States
31 Dec 12
You seemed to be torn at the thought of putting them out the door. I only mentioned that as a possibility as a way of making yourself feel better as you're showing them the door, since you seem hurt at the thought of sending her out the door.
Personally, I would have already put her out--and wouldn't have given it a second thought.
1 person likes this
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
30 Dec 12
Very hard on Grandmas to do what you have to do and thats kick her out SHe has to go or you will be put out adn you cant face that. Not sure how to word it but she cant do this to you she should have more respect for you than what she seems to have.
SOrry but thats how I see it hugsssssssssssssssssssssss
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (159008)
• Boise, Idaho
30 Dec 12
DOn't be sorry. That is how I see it too. And she says they are gone, no worries. RIGHT!
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
30 Dec 12
I have a friend that lives in Section 8 housing too; she just refuses to admit it. She got a two bedroom by lying and putting on the application that her son lived with her full time (he lives with his father 90% of the time). She had offered to let me stay there "until I got a real job", but she would only allow me to sleep on the sofa!
I think that you need to look at the big picture with your granddaughter: Is she willing to risk that the three of you would potentially lose your housing? You say that you feel sorry for them (your granddaughter and her boyfriend), but they were kicked out of his father's home; obviously they did something to have that happen.
Aren't there any local homeless shelters that they can go to locally? They could sleep there at night, and during the days, they could search for a job or your granddaughter could come for a visit.
1 person likes this
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
31 Dec 12
You are NOT the bad guy here. What happened that caused her boyfriend to be kicked out of his family home? He should go crawling back and beg for help in my opinion!
She wants to be an adult, and so does he. Part of being an adult is making hard decisions. If they go to the homeless shelter, perhaps they have an outreach program to help them get job placement. Or maybe they can go and try to apply for Section 8 for themselves, although I know from previous experiences that waiting lists are extremely long for singles; they often get pushed to the back of the line in favor of placing families or single parents.
Don't stress over it-this is your grandchild. You have enough stress because of your grandson; don't let both of your grandchildren and someone else stress you out like this. I know you love her, but does she love you?
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (159008)
• Boise, Idaho
30 Dec 12
I just mentioned the homeless shelter to her. Talked to her again. Showed her a letter from housing on the subject. It is a tough situation. I don't like being the bad guy either. It causes me alot of stress.
@NailTech (6874)
• United States
30 Dec 12
I was just about to suggest that about the homeless shelter. Or maybe stay with you for a few days and then wherever else, and so forth until one of them at least gets a job. Are they applying for jobs anywhere? It is hard when you have no address though I can imagine. I wish you all good luck with that. It is a tough situation.
1 person likes this
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
30 Dec 12
BLESS YOUR HEART, I'd say u are between a rock & a hard place. I can't imagine what i'd do if i was in that situation. I would not even try to advise u what to do but i will wish u a whole lot of good luck because i think u are going to need it.
@celticeagle (159008)
• Boise, Idaho
31 Dec 12
A rock and a hard place is about it. I just keep trying to reason with her and she says they are gone tonight so we will see. Thanks for your input.
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
30 Dec 12
What a terrible situation you are in. It is horrible for you but you have to put yourself first as you cannot be put out of your home and be homeless. Perhaps this may be the wake up call for yur granddaughter? I am sorry for her but she is now old enough to make decisions and if she wants to stay with her boy friend then there is not much you can do. If she has somewhere to go then she should go there now. You have to give her 2 days or so to get out regretfully. I really feel this for you as you must be suffering.
2 people like this
@celticeagle (159008)
• Boise, Idaho
30 Dec 12
That's right. She can't take her BF with her to this other place. Heaven forbid they should be seperated. I have given her four days. THis is the fifth.
@KrauseHome (36448)
• United States
18 Jan 13
Well, if it would get you kicked out if they find her there, then the best thing would be to tell her she needs to find another place to stay, and if your daughter thinks this is mean then she should let her daughter stay with her. Too many times people have to learn the hard way before they wake up and learn to take some responsibility for themselves. It is hard sometimes to make them do this, but so self sufilling in the end.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (159008)
• Boise, Idaho
18 Jan 13
You don't understand. My daughter lives with me. I have committed to being here and helping her raise her son. My daughter and granddaughter have quite a history so it hard for my daughter to say no to her. We are working on that. My granddaughter finally left in a huff and disowned us. If you read my most recent discussion I posted it covers it all.
@dpk262006 (58675)
• Delhi, India
30 Dec 12
Hi!
When as per the rules and regulations you can not accommodate your grand daughter for more than 2 days in your house, then you should not take chances. It would be better to face the reality and will be in the fitness of things, if she is told that she needs to make her own arrangements for staying with her boy friend. Here you need to think beyond emotions. All the best.
1 person likes this
@ShepherdSpy (8544)
• Omagh, Northern Ireland
31 Dec 12
Sounds like you're between a rock and the hard place...Breaking the situation down,at over 21 now,She's an Adult and should make her own life Decisions.If She's jobless too and with this Guy and both of them can't or won't find work to support himself/themselves,that's their choice.
Although I do understand that being considered "Homeless" can be a major downer factor when looking for work-I've heard recently of someone being kicked out of a Job when it was discovered he was sleeping rough..The guy had highly qualified Job skills,but He was made redundant and couldn't keep up bill payments on the place he had,and the Landlord pulled the plug on him.. There are support organisations to help those in that situation..and if not already,They should be doing what they can to get out of this hole..
I can understand that you're torn between wanting to take care of family and letting them fend for themselves,but there's only so much you can do for them when your own housing situation could be at risk by keeping them..Just make sure you know You're keeping within the rules for your own sake..
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
30 Dec 12
hi celtic,
re-read your lease. I am in section 8 housing also and most places say 2 weeks and not two days. My daughter is in a similar situation and I actually asked about it. She stays with me 3 to 4 nights per week and then goes to her boyfriends for a few days. I was told that as long as she does not stay for over 14 days straight that she is ok.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
31 Dec 12
Wow. They are a lot stricter where you are at than they are here. They come in at times to inspect how we are keeping the place and to be sure no damage is being done but they don;t check our belongings or anything. My daughter leaves clothes and things here all the time and they would not know it. I hope you get it figured out. You don;t want to lose your place over this. As someone mentioned though, she does have a place to go but just can't have the boyfriend there, if I recall right.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (159008)
• Boise, Idaho
30 Dec 12
That is not what I remember. And she will have been here 14 days on the 2nd of January. And if she has any clothing or belongings here as far as they are concerned she is living here.
@artemeis (4194)
• China
1 Jan 13
Since everyone in the house of yours know about the harsh rules in Section 8, I don't think you need to explain any further. Family is about looking after each other and for each other. If your granddaughter is not doing it, then it is time that she learns it the hard and harsh way. You cannot jeopardize the entire family's roof with her willful disregard of the rules and the family's well being.
She cannot go on like this. The only way she will learn about independence and survival is when everyone release the grip to let her out into the society to find a way to survive, starting with getting a job to feed herself. Only when we let go of her hand will she understand what it means to be on one's own and truly understand the meaning of when everything goes.
She's been sheltered enough, it is time for her to face the harsh world on her own terms.
@artemeis (4194)
• China
2 Jan 13
With regards to your daughter, I believe it is time for you to sit down with her and have issues with regards to your granddaughter straightened out. It is time to build alliance and make her realize that it is for survival, most of all, for your granddaughter, her daughter's livelihood.
Like the "Survivor" series on the television, the both of you have to do it because the entire family cannot undergo another "tribal council" and get eliminated from your non forgiving Section 8. It is time for your daughter the ultimate lesson of love which is less freedom and more mothering. Your daughter needs to realize the fact that we are mortals and like you, will not be around to see her daughter one day. By then, she will need to fend for herself with the harsh world of today.
I wish you all well and that your granddaughter will realize what you all had painstakingly done for her when everything's "gone" for her.
@celticeagle (159008)
• Boise, Idaho
1 Jan 13
Exactly! You are so right. And when her mother wants to help and doesn't realize or seems to care about the possible out come it is very difficult. Then I am the bad guy because I go by the rules. And I hate it!
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
31 Dec 12
That is a hard choice to make but I think that you are thinking along the right path. The thing is that things are often seen very differently if people we love are putting forth an effort that makes us want to take certain risks. If that particular effort is not there...it does come down to what is going to be the big picture for the family as a whole. It sometimes comes down to that anyway but the decision can be a ton tougher then. It's sometimes not a bad thing to let the kids pay a bit for their choices in life. After all...we can only teach them what we know and love..we can't make them live it.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (159008)
• Boise, Idaho
1 Jan 13
Yes, it sure can be tough. She just takes alot of risks with our voucher and it doesn't make me happen. She was smoking the funny stuff in the storage bin in the back afew years ago. It make me so mad! She just doesn't care. She was lucky that a freind came over and offered to let her stay with him for a while. I kinda wish she wouldn't get these people to be nice to her so much. She needs a bit of reality.
@MandaLee (3756)
• United States
1 Jan 13
Dear celtic,
Happy New Year! I hate to say it, but your granddaughter and her boyfriend have to leave. You have no other choice. You don't make the rules. You can't risk losing your Section 8 voucher and having to be on the street or in a shelter.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (159008)
• Boise, Idaho
1 Jan 13
You got that right. I refuse to be evicted because of her. Luckily she left.
@Morleyhunt (21737)
• Canada
21 Dec 15
Seems your granddaughter needs enforced boundaries. Extending the boundaries to keep her comfortable won't help her long term. My brother works at a homeless shelter. He has seen folks who have been kicked out of the shelter....the hospital won't take them any more....the police will not take them again. They are at the bottom. They suddenly are willing to go to rehab and go on to make something of themselves. Hope this situation improves.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (159008)
• Boise, Idaho
21 Dec 15
This was years back and now my grand daughter is a mother of two and has a steady fella. We had a terrible time then, one I would like to forget. We have moved on. Nearly four years ago.
1 person likes this
@Asylum (47893)
• Manchester, England
30 Dec 12
This is certainly not an easy situation, but I can not see any alternative to simply telling them that they have to leave. I know this is not really the answer that you would like, especially where family members are concerned, but you can not risk losing your own accommodation. When you was 21 year's old, would you have put your grandmother in such a predicament? I suspect that your answer to that is a definite "NO".
If she leaves then they may end up living in the car, which is not good. However, if you lose your home then they will still end up in the same situation, along with yourself and other family members being homeless.
I wish that I could offer a better option, but sadly I can not think of any.
1 person likes this
@cutepenguin (6431)
• Canada
31 Dec 12
Wow, you're in a tough situation. The thing is, you really don't have a choice - you cannot let them stay with you any longer.
It's sad that she doesn't seem to have any good options, but the thing is, she's not going to try to create any other options if you hide her at your place anyway. You would be taking a big risk and she would think that she is okay now, so she wouldn't do anything about it.
If her mother also lives with you, can her mother not help her somehow? With finances, or to find a friend to stay with? (although then it would become more important to know why bf's dad kicked them out).
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
30 Dec 12
"It was a nice visit, but now you have to find another place to stay."
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
31 Dec 12
Not an easy decision to make but now it is up to your granddaughter on what she is going to do, but she cannot stay there is all there is to it. She could go to a shelter her and her boyfriend, and she could come and hang out at your house during the day. It is really sad that she is deciding to live in the car with her boyfriend, when there is another place for her to go. That is her decision though I suppose, you can't make her just go somewhere else. And right now there is not a lot of options for you and your daughter and grandson. You don't want to be out on the street either. She really should try to find a job or at least her boyfriend and try and find a place of their own. Isn't there some type of government assistance that they can get into to help them find a place to stay and stuff like that as well as finding a job. I know that there are stuff like that here, you just got to ask around and stuff like that. Like maybe couldn't she get into section 8 housing as well. I really do hope that things work out for her, but it looks like they are going to have to rough it out and try to find some help.
@Pegasus72 (1898)
•
28 Jan 13
You need to tell her that she has to find another place to live because if you lose assitence then you will not be able to aford to stay where you are. Tell her you can come and visit for a while but you can not stay the night.
