I want to spend forever with you but I can't marry you.....
By trisha27
@trisha27 (3494)
United States
January 8, 2013 1:25pm CST
What are you guys thoughts on this. My friend she wants to marry her live in boyfriend already. She's been together with him now for 2 years and they have been living together for a year. He has no job, but he is living with her and going to school. Basically my friend wants to make things right with him and not just be living with him any more and she wants to get married and she told him this. She said that he wants to spend forever with her but he is not ready to get married. My friend woke me up at 2 o'clock in the morning because she didn't know what to do. Honestly I thought someone died cause she was crying and I always tell my friends don't call me so early in the morning unless someone died. Well, she's my friend and I felt she was hurting so I stayed awake with her talking to her. I had to be up at 5 in the morning for work.
Basically she told him she wants to get married with him, she loves him and she know he loves her. And she wants to take that next step. She wants to go to church and everything and get blessed like my husband and I have. And basically he told her he's not ready. She told me she was like I don't know what to do, I want to make this relationship right and he's not ready to get on my level. She's thinking about leaving him and kicking him out. Basically because she is supporting him while he isn't working and going to school. I told her to pray about it do what she thinks is right. I don't know what else I can tell her. What would you guys tells her.
5 people like this
24 responses
@wilsongoddard (7291)
• United States
8 Jan 13
Oh, he's not ready to get married... to her. He will, however, let her support him while he is in school; then, once he is finished with his education, he will be ready to get married to someone else--someone he considers to be a better deal.
Your friend should move on... and have him move out.
2 people like this
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
8 Jan 13
Exactly that's what I've been thinking. He's been living with her for rent free she's paying all the bills paying for groceries and not only is she taking care of him she's got two small children to feed as well and clothe. I hope she just kicks him to the curb. Maybe some small hope he's wanting to make sure he has a good job, but why wait till you're done with school, just look for a job any job and work.
1 person likes this
@AidaLily (1450)
• United States
8 Jan 13
This is a tough decision. Women tend to come to the decision to want to get married a lot faster than men.
I knew my husband in high school, he proposed to me a few months after we started dating because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me BUT we ended up with a four and a half year engagement finally getting married in April 2011.
It could be that he does want to spend the rest of his life with her, but he isn't ready to get married while she is. He may want to wait until he finishes school and gets a job before even worrying about marriage because he wants to have money to take care of her and be able to treat her to things.
I hate to be the devil's advocate, but if she really loved him as much as she says then she should be willing to wait until they are both ready and not thinking of up and leaving him because he isn't ready. I think she needs to sit back and think about her true feelings on the relationship and try to see it from his side as well. It shouldn't be 'Oh I think I should leave him and such because I am ready for marriage right this second and he isn't.' In my honest opinion, that sounds a bit immature and if she was my friend I would have told her as such.
1 person likes this
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
8 Jan 13
The main reason only isn't that he doesn't have a job or because he won't marry her right now. Because you are right girls want to get married way faster then men do and well, my hubby took 4 years of us being together and 3 years of us living together, before he asked me to marry him. But all she is asking that is he go to church with her. Is one thing she'd really like for him to do. They used to go to church together all the time and they don't go anymore. She really wants to go back to going to church and just do that at least. But now he's not ready to go to church either. Which she don't understand especially when they went together all the time.
But also I think that he should at least try to hold some small job, to help her out with the bills. Because she does need help. Any guy shouldn't want their woman being the only one bringing in the money. I mean he can work a part time job while going to school.
But I respect your opinion. Thanks.
@marguicha (215389)
• Chile
9 Jan 13
I don`t much care about guys that don`t work and live with their GFs money. It`s difficult then to know what to tell your friend as I would have never be caught with such a guy. And of course, I`d never want to marry him. He looks like the coward kind to me and she`d better put distance now.
1 person likes this
@sriroshan (2585)
• India
13 Jan 13
Yes you are correct and keeping the relationship with such guy I think it is nothing but another burden on the head. Some ladies may under some circumstances force to keep such relationship with non working guy
@LovingMyBabies (85127)
• Valdosta, Georgia
8 Jan 13
I kind of feel like he's taking advantage or using her for what he can get...
I'm not sure why she would want to marry a man without a job but I do think he's using her. If he can stay with her and not have to marry her and he can live off her-wow he's getting a good deal!!
1 person likes this
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
8 Jan 13
I feel the same way, I think he is taking advantage of her. Because she is letting him stay with her rent free and she is feeding him and everything. Its so sad too cause she is such a sweet girl and everything. And sometimes I think she is too trusting and likes to see the good in people. But I really hope her eyes get opened. I don't understand that either, why she'd want to marry him now when he's not working. I know if it was me I'd be pushing him to get a job if anything. She can't handle all the bills alone. She has two kids to feed.
@habibti320 (925)
• United States
8 Jan 13
It's a decision that only they can make.
In my opinion, if you are the type who desires marriage someday, try not to get into something serious (like living together) unless that is something that is an option for him as well.
If she wants to get married now, then that desire is not likely to go away. She can spend her money and her time with someone who is on the same page as her. If she continues to live with him without a real promise of a future together, the breakup will be more painful.
Has he given any reasons why he doesn't want to get married? What needs to happen for him to feel comfortable with this option?
1 person likes this
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
8 Jan 13
As far as I know he had no reason, he's just saying he's not ready and she's like well when will you be ready. And exactly what will it take for him to be ready. And you're right, she's always wanted to be married and the thing is did he tell her from the start is what I'm wondering did he tell her he never wanted to get married. And you are correct if they are not on the same page together as wanting to get married, then why put yourself through the heartache of taking it to a serious relationship and moving in together. Its not going to make him change his mind.
@greenthumb018 (595)
• Philippines
8 Jan 13
What are his reasons for not being ready? 
I don't buy this reason and I think that your friend is really hurt by those words. I know a couple who's setup is like this but the guy insisted on marrying the girl because he doesn't want to lose her. He graduated and have a job and they have kids. I do not think that he loves the girl enough for him to have second thought on taking it to the next level. I hope your friend can figure out on what to do with him.
I don't buy this reason and I think that your friend is really hurt by those words. I know a couple who's setup is like this but the guy insisted on marrying the girl because he doesn't want to lose her. He graduated and have a job and they have kids. I do not think that he loves the girl enough for him to have second thought on taking it to the next level. I hope your friend can figure out on what to do with him.1 person likes this
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
9 Jan 13
He really didn't give her a response, he basically just said he's not ready and that's it. He didn't even say why he's not ready. So I don't know, maybe his reason may be he wants to have a nice job or he just really doesn't love her and just is using her. Which I hope isn't the case. I agree I really hopes that she figures out what her next step is and sticks to it.
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
8 Jan 13
I would tell her leave him or kick him out. It 's that old agpdsge "Why pay for the milk when the milk is free?" The thing is that he probably gave her the idea that he was so in love with her , bit if he were, he would have taken a part time job to help pay for part of the rent. He would have not moved in, but gotten his own place or if both of them wanted to live together, they would have rented a place they could afford and it would be to save up for marriage.
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
8 Jan 13
I completely agree with you on this and I'm just beginning to think that he has been taking advantage of her and especially from day one. Its so sad. And she's not seeing it yet, or maybe now she is finally realizing it. You are right I told her if he said he wants to spend forever with you and if he is so in love with you as he claims he is. He'd have no question about it, he'd do whatever it took to keep her. Which would include getting a job, helping her with the bills and taking that step into marrying her since that is something that is going to make her happy. She's ready and he's not. I'm like why unless like I'm thinking for some small reason he really is a great guy and maybe the reason he is not ready is because he wants to have a job and finish school. But I think he should still go out there and find a job. I mean yes now its such a hard time to find a job but that doesn't mean to stop looking. I've looked and looked and eventually found a job. Which I know if people don't give up on job searches, then they will find one too. You can't just blame it on the economy and all. I really hope that either he changes and does what it takes to keep her or she is just going to kick him out. I'm sure she's tired of supporting him when she's got two kids to care for.
@celticeagle (159008)
• Boise, Idaho
9 Jan 13
So she is basically paying his way through school. What a nice person. I think she needs to send him on his way. If he isn't even just saying he will marry her then what is she doing? Paying his way, making life easy for him and there is no future for them. What is up with that? SHe is wasting time with this user when she could find someone who really wants a good woman.
@celticeagle (159008)
• Boise, Idaho
9 Jan 13
I would ask her what she needs in a relationship. And then what is this guy giving her. Like a pros and cons thing. Life is short. Sad that she is wasting some of it on someone like this.
@marguicha (215389)
• Chile
9 Jan 13
As I see it, he`s a loser. I`d try to make her see that she must end this for good.
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
9 Jan 13
I totally agree with you that she is wasting her time. I don't know when she is going to realize this, but maybe she has now. I hope. It just seems like he's never going to change and the only time he does is when she threatens to kick him out or break up with him. Then he changes for a bit then just do the same thing over again. I know this cause everytime I'm hearing her crying asking me for advice because he's saying this or he's not doing that. I'm like I told her this morning when she woke me up. I said maybe all the signs that you are getting is telling you he is not the one move on. I think she hasn't been able to realize yet that this relationship isn't going to work. And she's only hurting herself even more.
I really hope that she can see that she deserves way better then this guy that is just using her for a free place to stay and for someone to pay his tuition. Its so sad that this guy is using my friend like this. I think she already knows the answer to what she needs to do, she is just blinded by love obviously.
1 person likes this
@lelin1123 (15595)
• Puerto Rico
8 Jan 13
If they are truly in love with each other I would wait till he was finished with school and had a good paying job. I don't really think any man wants to marry when they can't support or do their part when it comes to bills and housing. She should be alittle more patient and see what happens once he is finished with school and has a good job.
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
8 Jan 13
Yeah I think kind of it is her fault because she took him in knowing he doesn't have a job but he wasn't going to school either. He was just living there and letting her take care of him. But that is the way she is. But I think that a man shouldn't agree to even live with a girl and let her support him he should want to at least hold a job and go to school. I would respect him for that. But I think it is not the main reason that he doesn't have a job, or that he doesn't want to marry her yet, but what is really hurting her is all she is asking is for him to go to church with her. They went to church together in the pass but now that they are living together, he has stopped going to church with her. And basically he said he isn't ready to take that step.But why, when you were willing to go before. Is what she is saying as well. I think she kind of understands why he doesn't want to get married now and like I said above if he is a good man then that'll be his reason for not wanting to get married now.
@MissPiggy (1748)
• Indonesia
8 Jan 13
Omg...I think she is right. She needs to leave him. I said this because I read what you wrote about he doesn't earn anything. So in conclusion, she pays for his tuition, right? I mean, at least he can ask her to wait until he finishes his school and get a job.
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
8 Jan 13
Exactly....I agree completely. And that is what I would think he would say if he was telling her no. Because more then anything he needs a job. If he is a good guy, then maybe that is why he isn't ready. Maybe he wants to wait until he has a stable job so he can support her and stuff. But I wonder too why he hadn't done that in the beginning. Why not search for a job now. I know it must be hard for her because she is supporting him and plus she has two little ones. I don't see how she can do it.
@MissPiggy (1748)
• Indonesia
8 Jan 13
Geez...then you were right! He must get himself a job to help her support the family. I read one respond up there saying that he might take an advantage of her and now I think I agree. And why he didn't say anything to save the relationship? I think it's because he doesn't love her that much.
@god_is_good (683)
• Philippines
9 Jan 13
I admire you as a friend to your friend who wants to get married to him. It is really a big concern for her because she's the woman living with a man who is not ready. Things and circumstances had been done and not much of a thing would be done to bring back the time. I think that if he's not ready yet to marry her, then it's good that she will leave him. It will surely hurt, considering their closeness, but time will heal the wounds of the past. She will recover, knowing that she has a friend in YOU! YOU will make the difference in her life. Stand by her when she decides to kick him out.
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
9 Jan 13
In the end no matter her decision, I will be beside her and be here for her. I really hope she makes the right decision though. For herself and her children. I believe she already knows the answer to her question, its just I guess whether or not is she going to act on it and follow her heart.
@mariaperalta (19073)
• Mexico
8 Jan 13
I feel those kind of marriages never work. People need to work for a living. Also its tough sitting both at home under each other all the time. i think they will get tired of one another. If one or both were working might be different. Just my thoughts...
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
8 Jan 13
I totally agree with you, that someone should always be working just so the couple gets time away from one another. 
That's why I'm glad me and my hubby both work and it helps when we need time apart. Then when we come home we're so happy to see each other.
That's why I'm glad me and my hubby both work and it helps when we need time apart. Then when we come home we're so happy to see each other.
@SuperShames (780)
• India
8 Jan 13
Hi trisha...
Well I feel that the boy here is not ready for relationship. This happens. men are usually scared of getting into serious relationships because of the responsibilities they might have to face. They scared of the consequences they might have to face if they are not able to fulfil those responsibilities. Also they are worried about the changes that might come in their life because of these responsibilities. I think it would be better to catch hold of a friend of his who is married and ask that person to tell him that it is all going to be alright. Anyways have a nice day ...
~=SuperShames=~
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
8 Jan 13
You may be right, he might be afraid to take things to that next step. I know it took him a good while before he decided to move in with her. She had to threaten to leave him if he didn't. And that is why he moved in. And now the whole cycle is starting over with marriage and going to church and stuff. Maybe he isn't ready for a serious relationship. But he claims that he doesn't want to lose her. Well, I don't think he sees it yet, but he is slowly losing her, by the choices that he is making.
1 person likes this
@hushgal (57)
• Kenya
9 Jan 13
She knew his shortcomings and accepted her in her life. And they have been happy until she wants to get married- and the right way while he is not ready. Two cannot walk together unless they agree; i think she should sit him down and candidly discuss this matter for her to really get a clear picture of what he wants. She then can seek appropriate counsel from her pastor or a counsellor - i understand she is stressed. I believe after getting the views, she will personally find a solution. Even if they will separate, it be done amicably.
1 person likes this
@SuperShames (780)
• India
13 Jan 13
I totally agree with hushgal... I think they should be completely open and share each other's feelings and opinions without caring about how the other feels. Only then the matter can be resolved. And as maria rightly said that girl should understand that even if she willfully manages to persuade the boy to get married, their marriage will not last. So it is right to make the correct decision at the right moment which is now. Anyways have a nice day ...
@narbahadur (95)
• India
8 Jan 13
Try to solve this problem with cool discussion. If she is thinking of kicking him than i don't think it's a right decision because after having so many years with each other they can't leave each other like this. Tell your friend to think before final decision. Take help from family members also they might help them from this situation.
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
8 Jan 13
I think that is what she is trying to do is figure why he isn't ready. She is wanting to talk it out first. Because I know she really doesn't want to let him go. But if he can't step it up and take some steps towards changing she's ready to let him go. I think she's just pretty much tired of living the way she is.
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
8 Jan 13
And that is all she's asking really, she just mainly wants him to go to church with her like they used to and now he's not even ready for that without an explanation. You are right though I think after she talks to him tonight she will make her decision and whatever that decision is it will effect her future.
@narbahadur (95)
• India
8 Jan 13
Ya i am with you. If he doesn't try to understand even after that than your friend should defiantly kick him because he don't have rights to spoil your friend's Life. Love is all which make partners together. If your friend don't take decision soon than it would be not good for her future.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
12 Jan 13
She's lucky that he is so honest. Many men would go along for the ride and not care about the consequences.
This guy is happy and secure in their love. Why isn't she? Besides, no job, seven kids between them that's BAD NEWS. Seriously this girl needs to run a mile because getting tied down to this situation will only bring her grief.
Sure, she might love the guy but it's the whole package that needs to be considered. No-one in their right mind would be ready for this mess of a situation.
@Blondie2222 (28611)
• United States
9 Jan 13
Well if she is not happy with him I would tell her to do what the heart is telling you do. But then she should expect his wishes about not wanting to get married. I have a friend that has been living with her boyfriend for 6 yr now and their not married nor plan too. Alot of couples don't want to go thru the marriage process in case they never work out and I understand that. And I understand where he is coming from as well seeing as they only been together for 2 yrs. And I also can understand where she is coming from where she doesn't want to provide for him anymore but atleast he is doing something though going to school and not just sitting around being lazy while she supports him. I guess she has alot to think about and I hope she makes the right choice.
@artemeis (4194)
• China
9 Jan 13
I will remain silent and let her finish what she has to say at this unearthly hour where the stress and emotions are so overwhelming after a heated exchange of insensible words which is contributed by sleep deprivation. Both parties wants to go to bed and be done with whatever is on the plate.
Everything does not sound right at all.
Since when was marriage on the tables - 2 years ago? Was there any agreement reached about getting married before letting him move in with her? Were the proposals signed?
I don't think so, other than it (marriage) likely to take place after he has graduated. This is at least, what I think it is and more likely to be. So, I am wondering what made your friend shift the gears on him and at this point of time causing him to renegade on his end. Something must have happened between the both of them for your girlfriend to change the deal and turn on him.
@jaiho2009 (39142)
• Philippines
9 Jan 13
I know every woman's dream of getting married.
Walking down the aisle marching with her favorite song.
But, happy life is not all about marriage.
Not all marriages ends with a happy ending and not all relationship needs marriage to stay happy.
Your friend is still young- hope she thinks a lot and will not force the guy to marry her.
@shravandone (555)
• India
9 Jan 13
Title was really catchy since i was in same feeling an year ago but in a totally different context.
Regarding your friend, we really cant be of any help since we know neither your friend or her friend. In a way the guy has a point. I would consider to make myself self-reliable first before vowing to take care of some one else. But evils too do exist in society and if hes just using your friend for some benefit, her pain only doubles with time.
If you know everything about your friend and that guy, then you are the best judge
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
11 Jan 13
It could be painful hearing her partner decline her proposal for marriage. But, with their situation, I think it is best that they should still wait for the right time for them to move to the next step. She should however, not doubt about the guy's feelings for her. The guy just doesn't want her to be burdened with the responsibility of earning for the both of them. His boyfriend must be feeling uncomfortable with having that situation. Maybe when his boyfriend gets a stable job and he redeems his self-esteem, then one day, she'd be surprised that he will ask her to marry him. Tell your friend to not rush things.
