No visits to the old age home

@dee777 (1418)
South Africa
January 15, 2013 7:07am CST
My mom has been in the old age home for five years. A couple who she had been friends with for about thirty years did not come once to her once! With her 80th birthday party, she said that she does not want to invite them, because it will be of no use. They do not care about her after all. Afterwards she saw them at church... they did not even greet her. Was mom wrong in not inviting them?
8 responses
@deazil (4556)
• United States
15 Jan 13
Hi dee, does anybody know the reason why they never came to see her? I don't blame her for not wanting them at her party. Why should she invite someone who has ignored her for 5 years and apparently threw their friendship out the window? When they go into a nursing home I wonder who will visit them? I believe in Karma. Your mother is better off forgetting them. People do strange things. I have a niece who I always bought nice presents for. Lots of presents. Every time we talked on the phone she always said "Love you Aunty" before hanging up. Always a kiss and hug when I went to her house. I lost my job in 2011. Last summer it was clear there would be no more presents. My birthday was in October, then there was Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's. She never called. She did call once, not on any holiday, and I was sleeping. She left a message "I'm on my way out to go bowling now. I'll call you tomorrow." Of course she never did. And why call me when you're on your way out? So much for really loving me. And she lives 15 minutes from me, same town. So your mother's friends are the same kind of people as a lot of people are. They really don't care but you never find out until your circumstances change. Then you know who your real friends are. For those so-called "friends", it's their loss not your mom's. She's a fantastic person and I hope her feelings aren't hurt by this. I suspect that having her as a friend is something to be treasured, not thrown away. I wonder why they snubbed her in church? Because of the party (if they knew of it) or because they know they have done something wrong by not continuing a 30 year friendship? They should be ashamed and embarrassed of themselves.
2 people like this
@dee777 (1418)
• South Africa
16 Jan 13
deazil, this is really so sad and it is the truth. She would sometimes say to me that she misses them. At church they would just wave 'hello' to her. It seems now that she has no money to spoil them, she is not good enough anymore. It is sad when people change like that. Your niece also needs a wake-up call. You have done so much for her. It is as if she wants to sooth her guilty conscience by just dropping you messages. It breaks my heart when a person has put so much into a relationship and that happens. But as you said, we are better off without negative people like that. As I told my mom, she (we all) should enjoy what we have now and we should love the people who are with us now, and forget about the rest and the past.
@allknowing (66751)
• India
15 Jan 13
These are small issues dee. Your mother should not be bothered about that couple ho do not visit her. It works both ways. They too must miss your mother. If not it is not worth having them as friends.
1 person likes this
@dee777 (1418)
• South Africa
16 Jan 13
Can I tell you how it only work one way? She is is an old age home without any transport. She use to phone this couple (from her cell phone which is very expensive to do)almost every second week and then eventually just gave up. They never phoned her ONCE - and that is not a lie. I do not think they miss her. I think they are just rude. When she had her own house, they would visit her every week-end and she would cook for them - out of HER pocket...That continued for years...Remember back then she was also a widow.
@allknowing (66751)
• India
16 Jan 13
There is point blank rejection of those who are of no use and this is the trend these days, whether young or old. The world has come to this level. So your mother should move on and keep herself busy with anything that has less and less people. This is the bitter truth. We are all experiencing it. I have done tons for my extended family but now they have no use of me and hardly visit me. The only time they want me is to attend functions. I do not go.
@dee777 (1418)
• South Africa
17 Jan 13
It is sad when a person puts so much into relationships and are taken for granted. Your family functions - I will also not go. It is not nice when things like that happens. I mean, what do we tell our children? You know what happened at the hospital I told you about (with my mom wanting to come with.)Lo and behold there of all places, I bumped into this horrible 'friends' of my mom who was not invited to her birthday party! Was that now co-incidence, or what. When they looked up into my face, they only waved 'hello' and walked on...
@Mavic123456 (10156)
• Thailand
15 Jan 13
ohh there must be something behind it that your mom can not tell you or opted not to tell you. hmmm... does she care if they did not greet her. if she is not affected at all no she is not wrong of not inviting them? There must be a deeper reason why she thought so.
@dee777 (1418)
• South Africa
16 Jan 13
I think that when a person has put so much into a relationship over the years,you somehow expect some sort of return in friendship? It does hurt her that they choose to ignore her. But you now what, since I can remember she was the one nurturing this friendship; inviting them; going to visit them and take cake, or whatever with...I think she realizes that the only reason that they are not visiting her now, is because she has nothing to offer them anymore...
@Mavic123456 (10156)
• Thailand
16 Jan 13
ohh this is very sad. were they vagabonds? that's too bad. good thing she knew it.
@dee777 (1418)
• South Africa
17 Jan 13
She is done with this relationship now - good ridden. If people, or 'things' cannot add value to my life, it has to go. Life is too short to sit with parasite-relationships, I think.
@jenny1015 (13389)
• Philippines
16 Jan 13
I think that there is no sense in inviting people who have shown no interest in being close to you. Just imagine how long 30 years has been! I am sure that their presence wouldn't even mean anything anyway.
@dee777 (1418)
• South Africa
16 Jan 13
When my mom gave us her invite list, I dreaded to look at it. I was glad when I did not see their names on the list. I know it would have been wrong, but I would have ignored them at her birthday - for sure.
@jenny1015 (13389)
• Philippines
16 Jan 13
If I were on your shoes and saw the names of those people, I would be surprised myself and would suggest your mom that it is better not to invite them anymore. What's the use?
@dee777 (1418)
• South Africa
17 Jan 13
Exactly jenny1015. I did mention it to her that I did not notice their names. She then said that she does not have a relationship with them anymore and will not feel comfortable having them around. After all, they only would have eaten up all our food and then left as empty headed as they came. What more can I say!
@enelym001 (8333)
• Philippines
16 Jan 13
From what I could sense, there might be a little misunderstanding between your mom and her friends. Maybe there are reasons why they did not visit her. And maybe the reason why they did not greet your mom is because with their old age they forgot about your mom's birthday or they might have not seen her, vision may not be good anymore. I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt. But I guess if your mom won't feel comfortable if they invite them on her party, then I don't there is a need to invite them.
@dee777 (1418)
• South Africa
17 Jan 13
You know what enelym001, they are ten years younger than my mom. They have transport (mom is in old age home without transport)and stay about 6 km from where mom stays. Let me tell you something else: This morning when I went to hospital for check-ups, I bumped into them and I could only say 'hello' when they turned around and walked on... I do not think mom needs friends like that in her life. I mean, they did not even bother to phone and wish her happy birthday...
@enelym001 (8333)
• Philippines
19 Jan 13
Oh really that's a disappointing fact. If that is the case then I guess it is really better that your mom and them aren't friends anymore. I am just wondering what is their reason of ignoring your mom and even you...
@Cutie18f (9563)
• Philippines
16 Jan 13
I think your mother knows best. She feels that the couple does not care for her so I think you should respect her feelings and not make her feel uncomfortable in case the couple comes to her birthday. It is better that she not invite them than be cold in treating them.
@dee777 (1418)
• South Africa
17 Jan 13
Thank you Cutie18f. For the five years that she has been in the old age home now, they did not come once to visit her. It was sad for my mom, but I can see that she has made peace with the fact that they are not interested in her anymore. It still hurts though.
@ZoeJoy (1395)
• United States
15 Jan 13
Well, would you invite a childhood friend who stopped contacting you in the last few years to your Birthday party? I imagine that she is deeply hurt because her long time friends stopped seeing her when she went into the nursing home. That is the time to really show their support for her, not stop visiting her and stop being friends. If they did not even greet her at church, then they stopped being friends, so there is no point in inviting them to her 80th Birthday party. If you want, you could tell them that she will be turning 80 soon, to see if they will send her Birthday greetings. But I would not invite them to the party. Your mother is RIGHT - she can choose whoever she wants and she chooses those who care, to her Birthday party. Don't you invite only those people who care about you, to your Birthday celebrations? Why should turning 80 be any different?
@dee777 (1418)
• South Africa
16 Jan 13
My mom was right to invite only the people who she still has a relationship with. I would not want people at my party who I hardly talk to. I am amazed sometimes when people have huge birthday parties with a couple of hundred people coming to eat and be merry, and then they disappear again until the next birthday invitation...
• Marikina, Philippines
23 Apr 13
Everything is changes. They have their own life. It is difficult to judge them anyway but I think, not all people are like that. Some people still remember you even if how many years had passed.