The ex's birthday present

@dawnald (84131)
Shingle Springs, California
January 28, 2013 1:03pm CST
Well it's not his birthday yet, but when it is, I think I'll get him a book on tact. Well maybe not. It would probably go right over his head. He came by yesterday to see if the kids wanted to go out with him. They didn't, but he stayed so that Dearra could do her presentation in front of us. While he was waiting for her to get ready, he decided to give me some "friendly advice". Tony has volunteered to be my gardener. He's flattened out my backyard, gotten my front sprinklers working, and gotten a lawn going. R basically told me that I should be going out there while he's working to bring him drinks, food, etc. He basically implied that if I didn't, Tony was eventually going to walk out on me. He could have just said, "you know, I think it would be a good idea to ask Tony if he would appreciate something like that", but instead he worded it all in a way that made me feel bad about myself. No wonder I had to get out of that relationship. Now don't get me wrong. It wouldn't be a bad idea to just run it by Tony and see what he thinks. He might like the idea, or he might just say "I can get my own drinks, thanks". But if I tell him that this came from the ex, and if I tell him how R said it, he will be pissed. I understand that R came from a family where his mom made it a point to serve all the men, so he's used to that and it's important to him. But it's still annoying for him to come around and imply that there's something wrong with me because I don't. btw Dearra went to school today, and she's going to do her presentation. The teacher is letting her go first. Hooray!
11 people like this
20 responses
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
28 Jan 13
What you should buy him for his birthday is a silver bullet with his name on it. Show it to him before you load it into a 22. BTW did he call before he dropped by? Also (I'm a different generation that you. lol) I would have taken him drinks and possibly a few cookies to show him how much I appreciated what he is doing for me. Would have made him feel liked or loved. Let us know hos Dearra's presenation went please.
3 people like this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 Jan 13
He did call. I don't actually have a .22, and I certainly wouldn't want the kids to see me with one, otherwise not a bad idea. I do a lot of things for Tony that R doesn't know about, ie making dinner, cookies, etc. And I'm actually not there usually when he's doing yard work. But when he is there, it wouldn't kill me to go out and check on him. I just don't think that way. In my own little world...
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
28 Jan 13
You know that I am so last century I am glad that he did call though. You do realise that he is still trying to control you?
3 people like this
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
28 Jan 13
I am really happy to learn that you do not tell R everything you for Tony axs he may get jealous
3 people like this
@jenny1015 (13390)
• Philippines
28 Jan 13
Maybe you just have to clear out some things with your ex-- not to meddle with your personal affairs. While we can think that he might be caring enough for whatever relationship you are now, but I think that there should be limitations and that he should think more than 10x before opening up his mouth.
3 people like this
• Canada
29 Jan 13
My ex and I made that a rule! I have a boyfriend now, and so does he! Anyways, our rule is that I keep out of his business and he keeps out of mine. The ONLY time we need to talk, text, or call is if it has to do with the kids and that's it!
2 people like this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Jan 13
Yeah new rule, stay out of my relationship.
• Canada
29 Jan 13
Definitely! That rule will make such a difference too! My ex doesn't "hang around" anymore either, if he comes to get the girls, we meet him outside, he gets them in his vehicle, and he's gone. He is my ex for a reason and in my eyes it's not a social visit. IF we ever do talk, it's about the girls and that's it. Every other aspect of my life is my business and not his!
1 person likes this
@WakeUpKitty (8707)
• Netherlands
28 Jan 13
People are different and even if the whole world thinks it's normal to serve a man it doesn't mean you have to do that also. To my opinion it should be the other way round. That is how I am raised btw and the way I raise my children (daugters and only son) as well. A woman is the one who gives life, she is precious and men should better think first before abusing her. Without women men would not even exist. Live and let live.. everybody in his/her own way. No need to join or? Since it's your ex anyway. And why give a present at all? Isn't that a waste of money and energy.
3 people like this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 Jan 13
I was kidding about the present. If anything, I will take the children shopping so that they can get him a present. Tony was raised the way you were also.
3 people like this
• Netherlands
29 Jan 13
LOL already thought so after sending my reply. Wondering what the kids will come up with and pick out. Nothing wrong with the way he was raised unless it doesn't work.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Jan 13
Nothing wrong with the way he was raised, but he doesn't get to make me feel bad because I wasn't raised that way.
• United States
28 Jan 13
Wow... Your ex is a real piece of work. I can't actually print here on this site what I would say if some guy said something like that to me. I do know, though, that there is a good chance that he would have needed a doctor to help him remove my shoe from his rear end.
3 people like this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 Jan 13
not in front of the kids
3 people like this
@Hatley (164670)
• Garden Grove, California
29 Jan 13
oh my G Wilson and dawn you made me laugh so hard I spilled water and almost poured it on my key board. ha ha ha.y ou imprinted o n my imaginative mind such a picture and Daen did not help either I am still, chuckling
2 people like this
@celticeagle (117919)
• Boise, Idaho
28 Jan 13
Ya, that is what I was thinking when I read your first sentence. Right over his head. Why'd you buy this for me? I think you must be doing just fine and Tony has accomplished alot already without you bringing him anything. It sounds like you and Tony have worked it out well without any help from R. Some people just never get it. They could be hit with a 2 by 4 and never get it. Lost cause there I am thinking.
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 Jan 13
Wait, let me get a 2 x 4 and check it out!
2 people like this
@Hatley (164670)
• Garden Grove, California
29 Jan 13
oh mg dawn and celtic if you do please send me a picture lol
@MandaLee (3696)
• United States
28 Jan 13
Hi, Please tell us about Dearra's presentation. She will do a terrific job. R is just trying to get you upset. Don't let him do that.
3 people like this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Jan 13
She says it went just fine!
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (29047)
• United States
28 Jan 13
I find it interesting that in his own way he's interested in your current relationship. Says a lot to me.. not sure what exactly.. he's okay with it, not brooding, wants it to work for you. I think those are all good things. Sure he's not very tactful, but you obviously already knew that about him, so I wouldn't let it bother me.
3 people like this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Jan 13
Well he apologized, but he also turned it around to be my inability to take criticism instead of his lack of tact.
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37384)
• United States
28 Jan 13
Good for her.....and good for you for dumping that heap of crap you were married to....well sorry...I guess I consider my ex a heap of crap...even after 30 years of being divorced....he never changed!
3 people like this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 Jan 13
he's only half a heap of crap, or I would have dumped him years earlier
2 people like this
• United States
29 Jan 13
My daughter waits on her hubby hand and foot. When he mows the lawn in the warm weather she always takes him some iced tea. He would get upset if she forgot. He is the only one who works. He works 14 hours a day. Sooooo when he gets upset he says that he deserves to be waited on. That annoys me sometimes. He's normally a good guy but he can get on my last nerve.
2 people like this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Jan 13
If she wants to do it, fine. If he's pushing her to do it and making her feel bad if she doesn't, not good.
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Jan 13
where's the "like" button?
• Canada
29 Jan 13
Hopefully Dearra's presentation went well at school. Sounds to me like your ex is still trying to control you and make you "think the way he does". Honestly I would just keep doing what your doing, and not change for anyone. It's when you try to change, or be what someone else wants you to be that the one person you really cheat, lie, and can never look at the same again is yourself!
2 people like this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Jan 13
The presentation went well. I'm not going to change for my ex, but he can still make me feel bad sometimes.
1 person likes this
• Canada
29 Jan 13
That's understandable ... My ex husband can get under my skin at times too but one thing I tell myself is I can only feel as bad as I allow him to, and then I think forget that idea ... I'm a better person than that!
@BarBaraPrz (19638)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
28 Jan 13
Well, when I have someone working for me doing manual labor, I usually offer them at least one glass of water... I don't want them to faint from dehydration, hurt themselves and then refuse to finish the job.
2 people like this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 Jan 13
Oh I agree, and I sometimes do that, but R couldn't wait to point out that that's a deficit, how it was going to affect my relationship with Tony, etc. Not his business...
2 people like this
@Hatley (164670)
• Garden Grove, California
29 Jan 13
dawn maybe you should remind R that hes now an Ex okay?
1 person likes this
@Hatley (164670)
• Garden Grove, California
29 Jan 13
oh dawn I do hope Dearra's presentation goes really well for her and being first she will not have so much time to get all nervy. I still remember my own problems and unlike you , I had no parent to help; me overcome them. My dad just always said oh you will do fine. As for R I think you should get R a book on tact as I have always got the picture that he sort of liked to needle you and make you feel back about yourself.
2 people like this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Jan 13
It did go well. Should I really waste good money on him? :D
@much2say (38813)
• United States
29 Jan 13
Although I can understand the "advice", it just struck me odd that R would say something like that. Yah, wording is everything. My mom always brought out drinks/snacks for my dad - but in our old culture, that's just what a woman is supposed to do for their man. And I was taught I should do the same. But luckily I have a man who does this for me too (my dad would never do it for my mom). It's a nice, thoughtful gesture, I think. How did Dearra's presentation go? Yah, I always liked going first if possible too!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Jan 13
The presentation went just fine. I would have been fine if he had just said, "you know I always liked it when you would bring me a drink when I was out working in the yard, and maybe Tony would appreciate it too". But, yeah, it's all in how it's said. And it came across much more like, "you hardly ever did this for me, and if you want to keep Tony, you'd better start doing it"...
@much2say (38813)
• United States
29 Jan 13
. Maybe instead of wrapping his birthday gift, you just need to throw it at him!!!!!!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Jan 13
a la Charlie Brown: I got a rock.
@vandana7 (63873)
• India
29 Jan 13
Yeah..so I was right in some way...dont bother...he knows he should have worded it tactfully, and DELIBERATELY worded it the way he did hoping there would be some fireworks and Tony would have a chance to see the "ugly" side of you. Good for you, you kept your cool. :) There was a time I felt sorry for R. But now I dont. He was just trying to get you annoyed, and then act as if he suffered all that, and Tony would have thought, OMG what am I getting into. And you know what..most of the guys out here are like that...lol
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Jan 13
And later when R apologized he still made it my fault because I don't take criticism well...
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
29 Jan 13
I don't either, but regardless I would refuse to take fault. It's his fault for saying anything in the first place. I would tell him I found him much more pleasant when he was silent and even better when he was silent and not within view.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Jan 13
"like"
@bounce58 (17524)
• Canada
30 Jan 13
But you know... It might not have sounded like it, or he might not have worded it 'correctly', but in his mind, he might have meant well. It's just that he goes about it oblivious to other people's feelings. Now, where can you find that book of tact? I might need it for myself.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
30 Jan 13
It's possible he did, but then my new relationship is none of his business, good intentions or no.
@MsTickle (24962)
• Australia
30 Jan 13
Sounds like R still thinks you are someone who gives a d4mn what he thinks. Silly R. Besides, it's none of his business anyway. Any time he butts in like that just ask ..."and how is your love life going hmmm?"
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
30 Jan 13
rubbing it in, not my style, but I can think it!
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
29 Jan 13
You're so civil and nice. As soon as he opened up his dumb mouth to start his 'friendly advice', I would have asked him to leave. If ANYBODY comes at me with that type of 'suggestion', my first words to them are 'oh, feel free if YOU would like to do that since YOU think it's the right thing to do. You may go now, I did not ask for your input on this matter'. You shouldn't feel bad about yourself because your ex is a moron. I think there is a happy medium within where you WANT to do a certain amount of serving but not to the point where it's ALL you are doing, hovering around, having things done at a certain time, waiting for a directive. I know a few women who are like this with their husbands and all I want to do is roll my eyes and say 'this is NOT 1952. Get off my planet, your daughters will disown you when they grown up'. I think mothers who raise sons that way do a huge disservice to the man's future girlfriend and/or wife. My kids have learned that mom does not mean SLAVE and it never will.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Jan 13
I actually did ask him to leave.
@sid556 (31006)
• United States
29 Jan 13
I would just ignore R's comments. Your last couple of sentences said it all. He came from the type of home where the woman was subservant and to him...that is just how it is done. Not all men feel that way these days. If you thought of it and brought Tony out a drink then I'm sure he'd appreciate it but I also think from all you have said about him that he is perfectly capable and fine with coming in and getting it on his own. If he walked out the door over something like that then where is the loss? You are NOT a servant but apparently R thinks you should be. Oh and I hope Dearra's presentation went well.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Jan 13
It went just fine...
@Dominique25 (9476)
• United States
29 Jan 13
Yeah that was completely inappropriate. I'm sure that you are happy not to be with him anymore. It is not his place to say anything to you about your relationship. I'm sure that you don't or wouldn't get involved in his relationship. So he should stay out of yours. And like you said Tony would not appreciate him making comments either.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Jan 13
He isn't in a relationship, but I can just imagine his reaction if he were and I made a comment like that.
@GardenGerty (98270)
• United States
29 Jan 13
I do not think R's suggestion even merits a second thought. I am sure you let Tony know that he is appreciated. Only he will know if he is thirsty. If I am working in the dirt, I do not want food brought out to me. I want to keep doing what I am doing. Would not hurt to have stuff to snack on around for when it suits Tony. I think I would be the type to say directly to R that you are going to buy him a book on Tact, and then say why. He still will not get it, but it will be a chance for you to highlight one of his flaws. Oh, don't look now, my hubby is preparing me a snack. . . and he brings me coffee in bed. Maybe R should have had lessons.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Jan 13
(laughing) He did apologize today, but he also did it in a backhanded way. Said he shouldn't have said that because I don't take things well.