First comes baby carriage then comes... mental institution???
By mentalward
@mentalward (14691)
United States
February 7, 2013 9:25am CST
I'm a grandmother. I became a grandmother last July. My son's fiance (they're not married) is WACKO!!! (Part RANT ALERT, part begging for advice.)
These two met and, stupidly, got pregnant two months later. She has a son from a previous marriage. The father wants nothing to do with the mother but does see his son whenever he can. I now understand why.
My son's fiance has been in the hospital twice for cutting herself and taking pills. She has told me that she hears voices that aren't there, telling her to hurt herself. She sees "shadows" of people that aren't there. She's been diagnosed with Bi-polar I Mixed but it certainly sounds like there's paranoid schizophrenia in there as well.
She has all but ruined my son's life. She screams about hating his boss while he's on the phone with the man! (I was there and witnessed that personally.) She refuses to take care of her children and makes my son do all the cooking, bathing, feeding, you name it. SHE does not work. She just recently quit her job. HIS job does not pay enough to support them all. She refuses to stop buying things they don't need. She's told him she wants him to get rid of HIS car because they can't afford it. (Remember, she just stays at home all the time, he works.) She wants him to make her car payments, though. She just destroyed her second cell phone in two days (yep, only two days) and her mommy bought her one of those new Samsung Galaxy S III's, VERY expensive phones, yet my son is behind on his car payments by 3 months. She is wearing a $3,200 diamond ring on her finger that she INSISTED on having, which he still owes for, but she will not let him return it to the store. He is also behind on those payments and the store is about to take him to court over it.
His house is paid for. I bought it for him when I had the money because his job at the time did not pay enough for him to afford rent anywhere. (It's a single-wide mobile home in a really nice mobile home park; ground rent is $461/month.) He's afraid he's going to lose the house because he can't afford the ground rent if he's going to keep his car which he needs to get to work. (No busses around here.)
I want to let HER have it. I want to open my mouth and let the words just pour out, let her know what she HAS to do in order for them to make it financially. My son is doing all he can to keep the peace, to keep her happy, but she's incapable of understanding that. In my opinion, she needs to be institutionalized.
Oh, a short while ago, before he found the job he has now after being laid off from his former job, he totally broke down because he couldn't find work no matter which way he turned. She called 911 and had him picked up and taken to the hospital for evaluation. She went to the hospital and SCREAMED at him while he was suicidal! She accused him of "abandoning" her with the kids. When she told me this, I told her to stay away from the hospital if she can't be civil, that he is in no condition right now for any of that BS. After I said that to her, she called her mother boo-hooing that I sent HER over the edge! Her mother called me screaming like a shrew until I told her the REAL truth and that I could prove it because everything I said to the girl is written and I could show her.
This girl and her entire family are more dysfunctional than any family I've ever met before. My poor son is doing his best to support them all (she doesn't even try to get child support for her son from his father so my son is supporting the boy as well), keep HER happy (or as happy as she's capable of being), and still keep his own head above water.
What would you do in a similar situation? Could you hold your tongue? I've told my son that (1) the ring needs to go back to the store, even though he'll lose the money he's already put into it, (2) he needs to sell that house to at least have that money to pay off his car so he has transportation to work and buy some time to find a better-paying job, and (3) open his eyes to just how bad his fiance's mental status is. She needs intensive therapy and maybe more medication. She's been on medication since the second time she was hospitalized for attempting suicide and it has been adjusted but it is not working; she's getting worse. I've told my son that he is very welcome to move back here with his daughter. He has already told HER that he'll go to court for custody and I have no doubt he'll get it since she has such huge mental problems, because of her mental health record and the fact that she has no job and no home.
Is there anything you'd do differently? Do you think I should help him find a lawyer? He's an extremely responsible man and wants to take care of everything but is so overwhelmed he's about to throw in the towel.
BTW, thanks for "listening" if you've read this far. I've tried keeping this to myself but I couldn't sleep last night worrying about it so I thought I'd turn to my myLot family for help. 
12 people like this
27 responses
@Kashmeresmycat (6369)
• United States
7 Feb 13
OMG! I cannot believe all this is happening in your life right now. Yes, I read the whole thing and I'm sitting on the edge of my chair just thinking if this was happening to one of my own kids....
and all I can say is thank goodness it's not!
This house is paid off and this is whats killing me. I couldn't let that house go by any means. I would try as hard as I could to keep it since it's PAID off! Why can't he use her car? Is there any way you can help him with the car payments? Is there anyone around him that could give him a lift to work for a while? My biggest concern would be if he sells the house, that money will disappear quicly and he'll have nothing. You know how that goes, it just doesn't last and then he's out of a home again too.
The ring definitely needs to go back...get that out of the way. Please don't tell me he's paying her car payments because I'll scream. Is there anything at all that he can sell to make up those car payments?
and all I can say is thank goodness it's not!
This house is paid off and this is whats killing me. I couldn't let that house go by any means. I would try as hard as I could to keep it since it's PAID off! Why can't he use her car? Is there any way you can help him with the car payments? Is there anyone around him that could give him a lift to work for a while? My biggest concern would be if he sells the house, that money will disappear quicly and he'll have nothing. You know how that goes, it just doesn't last and then he's out of a home again too.
The ring definitely needs to go back...get that out of the way. Please don't tell me he's paying her car payments because I'll scream. Is there anything at all that he can sell to make up those car payments?
4 people like this
@Kashmeresmycat (6369)
• United States
7 Feb 13
I know PQ...this is such a terrible situation, and I would do the same thing. She's a real nutcase.
1 person likes this
@mentalward (14691)
• United States
7 Feb 13
I'm sorry to make you scream but, yes, he's paying her car payments. If he doesn't do what she wants, she makes his life a living hell. Well, MORE of a hell than she normally makes it. He's too good for his own good, you know?
She will end up refusing to let him use her car for work if he gives up his car. Besides, she JUST got this car (after totalling her old car). He's put 2 years worth of payments into his car and also put $5,000 down on it. He'd lose quite a lot by losing his car. I'm going to tell him that he and I are going to the bank to talk about ways to keep his car. In the meantime, I'll go with him to the mobile home park's office (the realtor works there) to get his house on the market. He's quite willing to move in here with me. I'd LOVE to have that beautiful little girl of his here every day! She's such a good baby. Then, he'd have the breathing room to find the job he wants while saving money and also having a built-in babysitter who won't be screaming at him every day.
I'm thinking that he should speak with a lawyer before throwing her to the curb, just to make sure he's doing everything right in order to get legal custody of his daughter with the least amount of trouble.
I wish I could help him financially but I've already done all I could for him. I helped him with his rent for January and have been helping in other small ways because I'm totally out of money and on Social Security Disability so I just don't have a lot to help. HER mother has a big house with something like 30 acres and lives on her retirement and her husband's pension so she could help them financially better than I can, yet all she will do is buy her daughter things that are totally unnecessary. I'm trying to sell some of my things that are worth some money, just to have the money to help my son. I did just sell a coat for $100 but it seems so minor compared to what they need. My car is about to cost me close to $300, too. The check engine light has been coming on, going off, coming on, etc. and I just took it in yesterday to find out why -- Believe it or not, it needed new spark plugs but in a Kia, it takes 2 hours to put them in! In my case, it took almost 7 hours, guess the mechanics never tried installing spark plugs in a Kia before. It seems that when it rains, it pours, huh?
Well, at least my son has a bit of hope now. I just hope his guilt doesn't override his sensibility! That gal definitely needs a kick in the derriere!
3 people like this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
7 Feb 13
I would be tempted to dump her at the curb to cut my losses and get my own payments back on track.
2 people like this
@dragon54u (31636)
• United States
7 Feb 13
First thing--how is she getting money to spend if she does not work? Take away debit and credit cards and take her name off everything. Don't give her any money and no way to buy things. He has to shut off that faucet first!!
I would not sell the mobile home. Take the ring back and call the car company and explain that he's been unemployed but intends to make up the payments ASAP. Can he pay an extra $50 per month to catch up? Some creditors will do that.
An alternative would be to move your son and granddaughter into your house, continue payments on the mobile until she gets evicted for causing disturbances or someone calls CPS on her. Once she is out your son can move back in. Another possibility is to move out and begin custody proceedings and he could even encourage her to pursue support from her child's father, telling her there will be no money coming from him anymore--he has to do this regardless of what action he chooses.
The important thing is to cut off her money supply and get her out of the house, either by moving or evicting her. Then the legal stuff. Your son is mentally fragile right now, I remember how difficult it was for him to get to this point. Support him emotionally and shelter him if he chooses. The important thing is to cut off the money to that whacko and get her out of his life.
Remember that he is apparently prone to her influence and run interference when you can. Put your foot down if he says she said he has to do something. Take the daughter out of the house immediately and move her in with you so that whacko won't have any leverage.
That's all I have right now. I hope things get better very quickly.
3 people like this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
7 Feb 13
I agree Dragon. He is enabling her to sabotage their financing. Let her yell and scream, but cut her from all money. Take the ring back. Let her yell, but unless she can start shiiting out money to pay for it, the ring goes back. Get her a $10 ring at Walmart to pacify her, if necessary. He has to take responsibility for letting her get out of control with money and stop it.
2 people like this
@dragon54u (31636)
• United States
7 Feb 13
Good deal, MW! When you go to the bank be sure to take his name off the old account or close it altogether and tell them that she might try to overdraw it--I just don't want your son to have to deal with overdraft charges.
When she tries to go on welfare they'll go after the deadbeat dad. In fact, when you son leaves (if he chooses that option) he can placate her by telling her it's so she can get on welfare without the hassle. That will let him get away without bodily injury!
Good luck to everyone, especially the children. I know his daughter will be okay with you in her life but I hope the other child will be alright.
2 people like this
@mentalward (14691)
• United States
7 Feb 13
Thanks, dragon! You've made me realize one thing I hadn't thought of, her access to his bank account. I don't know if they have a joint account or not but she definitely has access to it. I'm taking him out tomorrow, joint account or not, and he's going to open a new account that she has no access to so he can regain control of his money. She's not supplying anything right now so she has no reason to have any access to it. He can then start making HIS car payments and not pay hers. She can cry to her mommy about that and let her mother make her car payments. Her mother is a Class A enabler and will do anything to keep her daughter happy, including chewing out my son for no other reason than he doesn't make enough money to support her daughter's lazy azz. My son at least has TRIED to make this girl see things as they really are.
I've already told him that he needs to take that ring back and have just asked him (via text message... he's off today and she's there so I don't want to stir anything up that doesn't need to be stirred up... yet) if he's talked to her about the ring yet. So far, no response. Maybe he's talking to her about it now.
Funny, great minds do think alike. I had actually told him yesterday that I want to bring the baby here with me for awhile, using the excuse that it'll make it less stressful on both of them while they resolve the urgent issues. I'll make sure to let him know that this is not an option. I'll bring her here tomorrow when he has to work and keep her as long as I am able, hopefully he'll agree to getting her out. If she flips out again, at least the baby won't be around.
I've also talked to him about encouraging her to go after the boy's father for child support. I can't believe she hasn't done that! But, she is now trying to get on Welfare. She was told she can't since she's living with my son so maybe that'll help get her out of there and they will also go after the boy's father if she wants the system to pay for her son.
He knows that he has a home here whenever he needs it and I've even gone so far as to tell him that it would make me so very happy to have him and that precious baby here with me. He's had way too much hit him in too short a time so he needs time to get his head on straight and be able to look forward to a better future... preferrably without her since she is so insane. I HOPE the boy's father goes after custody of him, too. She's not capable of taking care of herself, let alone two young children!
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (157552)
• United States
7 Feb 13
He is in a big mess, just as my son was, but my son had no biological children with his witch. It did cause him to make bad judgements about something and he has been to jail, and has a record and has paid for counseling and is paying off her bills, etc. I think you are telling your son the right thing all the way around. He needs to cut his losses, and get out of there and take that baby with him. The son needs to either be with his dad or in foster care.
Look to the future. If he gets away from this she devil he may actually find someone worth being with. My son did, his ex. . . . sort of a high school sweetheart has stuck by him since his marriage fell apart and since the probation. . . which is almost over. They will get married next fall. She has mental health issues, but has them managed and has bought a house for them and her two kids. There is someone great out there for your son, or he should be alone rather than with this crazy. Good luck, your advice to him is right on.
2 people like this
@mentalward (14691)
• United States
7 Feb 13
Thank you so much, GG! That has made me breathe a sigh of relief. I'm so worried I may say the wrong thing.
I feel so bad for your son but I'm really happy to hear that his life has turned around and he's happy. What a wonderful new chapter to his life!
I'm going to let my son read your comment. It may help him to make the cut from her and to stop feeling so guilty. That is part of his problem, taking on responsibility for things beyond his control.
I think the house will sell quickly since it is one of the least expensive homes in the area and they all sell really quickly in this mobile home park. I've told him that it might be worth going to the bank that holds the loan on his car to see if arrangements can be made to pay off the arrears. I can already see what would happen if he lost his car. She will say he can't use her car because she needs it for emergencies. She's already complaining about being "cooped up in the house with the kids" all the time. She's a spoiled rotten little girl (youngest of 3 children) who has learned to get her way by throwing tantrums and, of course, the mental issues are getting worse.
But, you've given me a ray of hope. Thank you for sharing your son's story. I think it will definitely help my son to make the decisions he needs to make. 
2 people like this
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
7 Feb 13
I agree with all the others that say that he has to cut her off and learn to say no to her. She is not just a nut case but she also is a spoiled brat that is used to getting her own way and having people cater to her. He has to stop enabling her before everything crashes down on them. The ring should be the first thing to go. He needs to stop making payments on her car. If she wants a car then she should get a job and pay for it like everyone else has to. He also needs to stand up and put his foot down to her disrespectful and lazy behavior. it is HIS home and if she can't do anything to pull her own weight then maybe she needs to go back and live with mommy.
2 people like this
@lelin1123 (15595)
• Puerto Rico
7 Feb 13
I feel so bad for what your son and you are going through. That is just horrible. I would definitely get a lawyer for your son. Sell the home with that money pay off the car and anything else he needs to pay off. He needs to go back home with you and his daughter and forget about this girl for good. This relationship is going nowhere and she will end up putting him in the looney bin where she really belongs. How horrible for a woman to put a man through such horrors. 2 people like this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
7 Feb 13
Hi Mentalward! Your son needs to dump her azz at the curb and just take care if his own kid that is coming. It sounds like she has a personality disorder and schizoaffective psychosis. My daughter has these. She used to cut herself. Thank God for Abilify. Her life has changed much for the better since she has been on it.
She needs to be on birth control and not gotten pregnant. Neither of them can afford a kid. How will he work when she isn't responsible enough to care for the kids she has? Looks like he has gotten himself into something he can't easily get out if. He needs to blow his top and lay the law down. Take credit and bank cards away from her until she proves she can be responsible. I'm so sorry he is going through this.
3 people like this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
14 Feb 13
I'm sure your son is old enough, mature enough and intelligent enough to know what it is he should do. If he needs help he should ask but there are steps he needs to take to get himself and his infant away from this toxic person.
I really feel he needs to stand up and do what's right instead of letting a woman have so much control over him and ruining his life.
If he won't act on behalf of himself and his daughter, not to mention his home and his car and his job then he deserves everything he gets. Let's face it, she acts like this towards him because he allows it.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
14 Feb 13
He must be strong to be able to withstand the onslaught on his sensibilities she puts him through. I wonder what motivates him to stay in such a horrid situation? My concern would be that it will all eventually catch up with him...the consequences of his inaction to his emotions, and his finances. He must free himself before his world comes crashing down around him. Have you asked him where he sees himself and his situation in six months or a year? Would you consider reporting her to health authorities? She certainly sounds as though she is not good for the little ones.
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
3 Mar 13
Maybe if you print off this discussion so you can have it for emergency use. You've certainly documented the whole situation pretty well. I don't know if it would stand up in court or whatever but it's better than nothing and better than trying to write a report for the authorities.
@mentalward (14691)
• United States
3 Mar 13
I've asked myself the same question, what motivates him to stay? I don't understand it. Maybe he's terrified of being alone, maybe she's threatened to keep him away from their daughter if they split because he adores that baby, I just don't know. He's silent about that. I did let him know that she "confided" in me about seeing and hearing people/voices that tell her to hurt herself and that it's getting worse. I think she told me because she's trying to get on Disability. I told her that will need to be documented by a doctor before Social Security will even consider it but at least I now have it in a text message that she said that and it can be used against her if my son ever does decide to leave her and gain custody of their daughter.
Hopefully, he'll grow some balls soon and be able to put his foot down once and for all. He is about to lose his car to repossession. Maybe, when the repo guys actually come and tow it away, this situation will become real for him.
But, he's making payments on that damned ring! He told me that they scrounged up the money to bring that bill up to date. They're getting food stamps because he can't afford to feed his family but they're paying $150 a month for that damned ring and he'll be paying on that for years. I can't make him see how insane that is. Maybe it's LESS insane than what she'll become if he makes her give the ring up. I know she can become quite dangerous. She may have already threatened to "kill herself" if she loses that ring. (I put that in quotation marks because her threats are such obvious lies it's actually funny... to everyone but my son, apparently. She has never cut herself bad enough and has never swallowed enough pills to kill herself and never does either of these when no one is around to "save" her.)
I actually have considered reporting her. It scares me bad that such an unstable person is responsible for those young children. The boy is already in need of counseling, poor thing. My son told me that he is seeing the school counselor and I told him that he needs more than that. If I hear of anything else insane going on at that house, I probably won't be able to sit back and do nothing any longer. I don't have anything specific I can say to the authorities other than that my other son witnessed her slapping her son in the face, once, when he was four. The authorities, sadly, don't seem to see emotional abuse to children as a crime.
Oh, his fiance texted me about a week ago and told me that I should not let my feelings toward her affect my seeing my son and grandchildren. I didn't text back to her but reminded my son that I would welcome him and the kids here any time, I just never want her to set foot inside my home again, ever. I refuse to go to their house while she's there. She makes me way too uncomfortable, especially because she has "pitched a fit" almost every time I've been there. She doesn't care who she does it in front of, well, as long as it's family. She's in enough control to behave herself in public, just not around family or friends. That tells me that she knows exactly what she's doing.
It's a big, dangerous game she's playing and it is going to blow up in her face one day. If I hear of one more episode where those children are witnesses, I will definitely call the authorities. I think my son is in a very fragile position right now but he will make the right decision eventually, hopefully before too much more damage happens. He knows that I will always love him and those children and that they will always have a home here if they need it.
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
8 Feb 13
I hadn't thought of this dear friend. This is a valid point and a course to be considered. he has to be encuraged to take control of his life again
1 person likes this
@artemeis (4194)
• China
9 Feb 13
As daunting as it may seem, I believe you need to realize that you cannot proceed with your son's problems alone. I am suggesting here that you will need to seek out a professional family counselor, child protection for your (step) grandchild, finance company and police.
Here's what I think:
1. Professional family counselor
I believe your son is already overwhelmed to a stage that he is unable to make sound decisions on what he wants and can do with his life in this current situation. Counseling could help him release whatever that is holding him back and see the more pragmatic solutions when he can relate better.
2. Child Protection Services
If your son's girlfriend has a mental condition and refuses to medicate or treat it, it would apparently be dangerous for the baby who is under her care. I am sure you will agree that she is unfit to be giving care to the baby and it would be foolish for any one of you to let her continue like this. I may sound insensitive or illogical but if she cannot let others take care of her baby or likewise, then I believe the authorities' intervention is justified.
3. Finance Company
Since your son is gainfully employed, I don't think it would be too difficult to seek out a finance company to refinance debts (loans or installments) that he may have or take up a small loan to tie over his urgent commitments like the rent and car. I think he will need to have a good guarantor or pledge for this undertaking.
4. Police
If your son's girlfriend is deemed to be a life threat to your son or her own baby, I think it would be wise to call the police on her. I just don't like another episode of Sandy Hook playing out on your front yard if you get what I mean. I know it may seem cruel and bad on you but in life such times are justifiable when you have already given enough and the opposite has exhausted your resources to help them help themselves. Bringing the authorities in will make compliance mandatory and eventually get her treated. So that, she can get well and do whatever she wants after that without hurting or killing even, other people.
I hope what I am suggesting could help and do excuse me if I have been insensitive or illogical but I can see that you are facing an extremely challenging situation where all of you cannot go about it alone. You may want to give your son some heart to heart talk before doing it to let him understand and give him the heads up or you can throw a stick of dynamite into a pond and wait to see what surfaces. Gallantry has its limits and if your son continues to be led by the nose then it is not even gallantry to begin with. It's your call.
@artemeis (4194)
• China
11 Feb 13
I am glad that you have found this response of mine to be helpful and after reading some of your latest comments, I'd like to add the following to further hope that it help you.
1. Counseling for yourself
I can feel and understand your frustrations and what you are going through when your advise falls on "deaf" ears and son does not seem to understand your good intentions. I do not doubt your intentions and genuine heart to help but I believe you need to speak to a family counselor to let you see a better way to deal with this problem. Sometimes, we drive away our love ones when we let our desperation and anxieties overwhelmed us. As much as it is a normal reaction, I believe overtime it will discourage you when you unable to see any progress to the current problems and mess.
Also, I firmly believe that these counselors could better advise you on how to approach your problems and knowledge which establishments would best protect your son who is I believe, your main worry. Remember there's nothing wrong to seek counseling for you and I am sure their experiences and knowledge are vital for you to be effective for your son.
2. Child Protection Services
I believe we should not hesitate to call for them when we notice a potential life threatening threat on your step grandchild especially when the adult parent is sick but stubbornly refusing both proper medication and treatment. Being aware that their violent ways are related to their mental condition, her refusal to allow herself to be treated is really wrong and not forgetting dangerous.
3. Son's Blindness
I hope that you would not give up even when your son is hesitant with your good intended advices and help. Sometimes, men just do not feel comfortable when walking the line makes them look bad and deemed by others to be a villain. We may call it ignorance, but men look upon it as chivalry. However, I believe he has forgotten that love can be painful when we cannot support or condone a wrongdoing which I am sure you are no stranger to here. I think your son could have his hesitations because of this. However, I believe he needs to realize that it is very important for his fiancee to gain a clean bill of health before there will be a future with her. On this point, I am wondering if he will be more susceptible to you when you approach the matter by showing a genuine care for her to get well and reducing the risk of harming all around.
In all, I hope that you will not let your frustrations get the better of you and do not give up until the both of you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
1 person likes this
@mentalward (14691)
• United States
10 Feb 13
THANK YOU!!! You've broken down each specific issue in a way that I can grasp each one. It was so overwhelming before that my mind was all over the place.
This makes so much sense. I have talked with my son about calling CPS over the incident that my other son witnessed of this insane female slapping her 4-year-old son in the face. I don't care WHAT he did, no 4-year-old should EVER be slapped in the face! I have only not called CPS at this point because it seems to have been a one time incident and it would cause even more upheaval in their lives right now. I've talked with the boy about being able to talk to his Nana (me) about anything he ever wants to talk about, good or bad. I raised my own sons the same way. All I can say is that the poor child cries his eyes out every time I leave their house. But, I've warned my son that if I ever hear of any harm coming to either of those children again, I will not hesitate to call CPS.
I have also talked with my son about talking with the finance company about his car. He never responded so I can only assume that he's willing to give up his car while allowing this insane female to keep hers. I've tried explaining that if they do end up splitting, SHE will have her car that he's paid for (or at least paid a good chunk of) and he'll have no car and no credit.
My son is flip-flopping right now. Maybe he's feeling guilty about having the baby with her and causing her to have an even worse outbreak of her mental issues. I don't know but I can't keep this up. I will talk to him about getting counseling for the both of them and HOPE she will agree to it. I kinda doubt she will but I can't take this back and forth stuff anymore. I'm being torn apart from worrying but don't want to "butt in" too much. I only respond when he asks but when he doesn't take my advice or even respond back, there's nothing I can do so I just need to back away from the situation and pray for the best.
I will be forwarding this discussion to him so that he can see what the majority think. It might help him to make a firm decision.
Again, thanks so much for the advice and the way you broke it down. It's much easier to see each issue for what it is this way than to try dealing with everything all jumbled up in my head.
1 person likes this
@bellis716 (4799)
• United States
9 Feb 13
Your idea of getting your son a lawyer sounds feasible. The ring does need to go back to the store. He does need to keep his car however he can manage it, but unless he cosigned the note on her car, he needs to stop making those payments.
1 person likes this
@mentalward (14691)
• United States
10 Feb 13
Hi bellis. I found out that she has been paying all the bills, at least the ones that do get paid, including HER car. She's using all his money, of course. She has been making her car payments but not his. He said he would be taking the ring back "soon", whatever that means. He still has not told me that they took the ring back so I'm thinking that he hasn't done it.
I hope he wakes up soon and sees what she is doing to ruin his life!
1 person likes this
@wilsongoddard (7291)
• United States
7 Feb 13
He needs to end the relationship now and get custody of the child. She obviously does not want to get appropriate help for her problems, and she will destroy him and the children.
If he stays with her, things will not improve. He will end up losing everything he has, and the children will likely eventually end up being taken away.
My boyfriend's first wife was like this. Thankfully, she never reproduced. However, she did manage to burn through their finances, put him into the hospital, destroy numerous things (including flushing several rings down the toilet)... She is, thankfully, on another continent, or I would likely have to deal with her showing up on our doorstep.
There are a lot of people who have bipolar disorder. However, not all of them are willing to get the help that they need to stay stable. If the person isn't willing to get the needed help and continue receiving that help, there is no way to have a relationship with the person.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
8 Feb 13
hi wilsoln I know some bi polars who take their meds and lead a pretty stab e life but I worked for a library manager who was bi polar and refused to take meds for it. She was like Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde. One day she thought all of us were the worst crew she ever had and were stupid nincompoops but another day she loved us all and we were the best crew ever and all angels etc.I was glad to retire and get away from her.
1 person likes this
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
9 Feb 13
Wow! That is huge! I can not even begin to give you any great words of wisdom..sounds like you are doing the best you can. I don't know that I would be able to handle it with as much class as you have. It would make me crazy worrying about son and baby. I think it would be a great idea to help him find a lawyer, but he has to be willing to let her go.
1 person likes this
@cerebellum (3863)
• United States
7 Feb 13
What a mess! I would help him in any way I could. The best thing he can do though, is to get rid of her. I would keep the mobile home and lose her! I guess if he were single, he could move back in with you, but if he keeps her around he will need someplace to live! He should go for custody of the child, imagine growing up with a mother like that! I wonder why your son has put up with her this long! It sounds like all she has done is make problems for him!
2 people like this
@ladybugtx (1)
•
8 Feb 13
MentalWard,
One of the hardest things that us parents have to endure are poor decisions made by our children. It is obvious that you desperately love your son and want to help him as much as you can. This is a difficult situation because you son has a child with this women. Despite her mental health issues he has a bond with her that will be very difficult, if not impossible to break. I hope based on the advice that you have given your son that he has asked you for your opinion on what he should do. It is very important that you have not given this advice unsolicited, because it could in fact drive a wedge between yourself and your son if you are not careful. The comment you made about him needing to open his eyes regarding his fiance makes me think that perhaps he is still in love with this women. If that is the case most of your advice is going to fall on deaf ears.
At this point all you can do is be there for your son as a shoulder to cry on. He sounds like he does not have anyone else to unburden himself on. This is what your job is as a mother and it sounds like you are doing it well. When he reaches the point where he, not you, are ready to break away from this women you can then help him find a lawyer etc. Until then all you can really do is give sound advice, be there for him and love him.
Emily
1 person likes this
@buenavida (9985)
• Sweden
8 Feb 13
This situation is really not easy. Most people have no idea what causes these mental disorders, and there may be many things of course.
But as I have read a great deal about health, I have come across some things I had no idea about some months ago. I think you might find it interesting to read this article about what can help for mental disorders.
http://expertscolumn.com/content/could-help-prevent-mental-disorders-0
Maybe this woman needs professional help too, and her children maybe need someone to take care of them so that they don't get disturbed too. I hope you all find some solutions for this all..
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
8 Feb 13
Yes yes yes help him find a good lawyer because he obviously needs one as well as getting custody of his daughter from that mad woman. Like in my case, there were several times that I needed hubby's help because I was overwhelmed and he helped in a lot of ways but in some ways he didn't and instead made things worse BUT if he hadn't been there, I think I'd have folded like a deck of cards. A lawyer can guide him in the right direction and maybe even save his daughter from mental abuse from her unfortunet nut case of a mother. Even if he gets upset because you've helped him find a good lawyer, he'll come around and realize that his mother loves him and is trying to help. DO IT!! Now stop reading all the other responses and get busy on the phone! ((((HUGS)))
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (159008)
• Boise, Idaho
7 Feb 13
This happens SO VERY often now days. Two people meet, think they are inlove and become committed before they know much about the other one. You can give him good, sound and even obvious advice ALL DAY LONG and you just have to hope he will do what needs to be done. You can't make yourself sick worrying about it. They are both adults and will do whatever regardless. If he is of the mindset to go for custody right now I would help him all you can while he is. That could change at anytime. If she has no job and no home then probably the judge would award custody to your son UNLESS her folks step forward and say they will do whatever to help her so she can get the child. Good luck!
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
8 Feb 13
I am so sorry that both you and your son are suffering from this total whacko of a lady. He has to leave her and get divorced. He will get custody I am sure. You just have to go through this awful trila and hurt. I can only imagine your pain and hurt and the depression that is affecting oth of you. This lady is toxic and for his own sanity he must walk away and nleave. If possiboe get legal advice before he wealks but he has to do it. He will be of no use to his child if she drives him crazy. Get the ring and take it back. She must take it off her finger sometime! He has to be encouraged to take control of his life. Pay fffffor her car payments? No way! Please let us know what happens to him.
1 person likes this
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
8 Feb 13
Obviously, the woman is no longer in her right mind. And I think that with the problem that they currently have, this could cause her to have another nervous breakdown. I'd say that she be sent back to the institution.
I have one question though. Does your son still love this woman? Could he still see her to be part of him? Coz if not, he really should proceed in filing full custody of his daughter as the mother is incapable mentally and psychologically.
Help him out as much as you can. He just needs a little push and hopefully everything will turn out right.
Yeah, get rid of the ring. It is something that he could not afford to pay for this time.
1 person likes this
@RebeccaScarlett (2532)
• Canada
8 Feb 13
This is so tough, but very similar to a situation an acquaintance of mine is in! Literally the same thing with a son who's wife refuses to work but spends all the money and tries to dictate where it should go, bankrupting a hardworking man and putting the children in the middle of a mess.
It is really hard to help someone who doesn't admit that she needs help. Medication only goes so far. I know a number of people who suffer from bipolar disorder. These people are close enough to me that I've seen that the best therapy so far was getting a job. It might seem strange, but having a "purpose" in life, or accomplishing things and being accountable to others on a regular schedule seems to help as much, if not more, than meds. Of course, other types of therapy should be considered as well (psychiatric appointments) and I know that bipolar can differ greatly in severity, so you can't always just expect someone to "get a job".
Of course, financially, extensive treatment might not be possible. And your son is in big trouble right now--it doesn't sound like he has months for treatment to start being effective. I think your son needs legal advice. Since they are not married, if this woman was judged as being incompetent to make her own medical decisions, it would likely be her parents, not your son, who will have the right to make those decisions for her. He also needs to know the "right things" for him to do and how he should document events in the home. Somewhere down the line, she will have an episode and accuse him of something -- and even good police officers tend to believe a crying woman over a man -- which will mess up his chances of getting custody of his child, even if the mother does have a diagnosed mental illness. (Again, something I've seen before.) If she is abusive, it should be him making police reports so that she has a record -- you don't want her taking him to the cleaners and getting your grandchild in the bargain sometime down the road.
Most importantly, try not to let this turn YOU into a wreck. It's so easy to get drawn into these things, and develop an anxiety disorder of your own. Stay strong!
1 person likes this
