Stuck in our comfort zones

@Aja103654 (5646)
Philippines
February 9, 2013 12:57am CST
I had a talk with my boyfriend just awhile ago. He said that I should be independent and try to live on my own instead of staying with my parents and relying on them. Because I will never learn, unless I try and take courage to do so. I reasoned I wasn't ready and especially with my current financial state. I'm jobless. He said, did I think he was ready when he left his family to live on his own too? I know my guy is trying to encourage me but I hate the way how it makes me feel bad when he says those things. it's as if I'm incapable of doing things on my own and I lack courage and so on. I just wanted to use reason here too. I want to do things my way and in my own time. I told him that his methods won't work for me, because I am a different person. I told him to just stop telling me these things and let me alone to work things out myself. Although I appreciate his suggestion, he usually ends the sentence with... "Ikaw ang bahala" Which means "It's up to you" in English. But also, the word 'bahala' is related to leaving everything else to God, like abandonment. That is why I hate his words. He has a point, but I'm really mad now. Because what he said is true and I can't move on yet, because there are still steps that I need to take before going independent. My boyfriend is kind of a gloat the way I see it. But maybe not? What do you think? Are you stuck in your comfort zones as well?
5 people like this
29 responses
@vernaC (1491)
• Romania
9 Feb 13
Don't force yourself if you feel you're not ready yet, no one else knows better than ourselves. Not because your boyfriend has done his things he should push you to do the same. If he really wants to help you, he should start by helping you getting a job first then teach you the things he had learned on how to be independent so somehow you will think about it and get inspired to do it.
2 people like this
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
9 Feb 13
He would offer suggestions. I did take them and I failed in getting the jobs he suggested to me. There's not much I can do after that. So I opted to study for some skills that would help me be more eligible for jobs later on. I'm glad you understand verna. All his talk about what I should do to be independent and expecting it to go like it did for him is getting on my nerves. I do appreciate that he is trying to help but he should have been more sensitive and understanding himself instead of assuming that I am afraid to step out and afraid to leave my comfort zone. It makes me so angry to be labelled as one who is not doing anything. I know for one that I am doing something, even when the phase is slower than what he might find satisfying. I am so angry at him now, I don't even want to talk to him.
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
10 Feb 13
He is probably worried that I would stay dependent forever. he wants me to grow up and learn how to be independent fast. He assumed I was too deep in my comfort zone that he thought I would be too scared to live on my own. We talked and he said he assumed because I don't talk about it. I was about to talk about it but he assumes first. Then I told him, if he wants to know about me, he should not assume and instead ask me questions. Come to think of it, he's the silly one. He has a point, but he's not very good at seeing the whole picture. Thank you esther. I am now more encourage to hold on to my own plans. Though there are times that I feel I am not being productive and I am at a lost on what to do.
• United States
10 Feb 13
Aja, turn the anger into a learning experience. We can learn something from criticisms and the one who's criticizing. Your boyfriend isn't as wise as he thinks he is. If you are going to advise someone, tact is critical. When one loves with the healthy love, there's consideration and tactfulness in advising, otherwise it is cold criticism that we don't need. You sound wiser than him. How can you advise a person to move out of their parent's home when they are unemployed? You are using wisdom in taking classes to improve your skills and have more to offer an employer and thereby becoming more employable. It is only wise to move out on your own after you are mature enough, knowledgeable and financially prepared. This takes focus, commitment time and work.
@Angelpink (4035)
• Philippines
9 Feb 13
Hello Aja ! Be happy you're having a responsible and independent boyfriend ! Don't get him wrong , he is just teaching you but just not in right timing ! Consider his suggestion it is for your own good and just tell him kindly that you are in that plan but just not now . No need to fight for him , he just wanted to assure you that it is okay to be independent by making himself as an example . I guess his intentions are good but maybe the way he delivers it not that sweet ! Just forgive him and see the beaitiful side he got.
2 people like this
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
9 Feb 13
Yeah, how I feel so blessed. But right now, I am annoyed with him more than anything. He S-cks at timing and he never even improved. he gives out good advise but chose wrong words and wrong time and wrong place to say it and still justifies himself that he is right anyway not even considering the feelings of others or thinking about proper time to say it. I did kindly told him to sh-t up before I lose my temper. I didn't want to fight and I told him I'm grateful for his suggestion and that I understand. but he still said that I am the one who does not understand and kept annoying and pushing the issue. It pissed me off. it took a great deal of control to be calm so I dropped the call and cried afterwards. It's so annoying how he pushes me to the point that it's hurting me and not motivating me anymore. he's dumb at understand that. I Do do do want to be independent. Just not ready at this time but I'm planning to. I can't forgive him unless he apologizes to me. I've had enough of his annoying way of motivating me. It does help but more a pain in the a$$
1 person likes this
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
9 Feb 13
No, he is bossy, if he was i would have left him long time ago. It's just that when he gives advise, he can be pushy and it's as if he is implying that you are not doing enough and you need to try harder, but he fails to understand my situation, that I am pressured by his words. he believes he is right and so keeps on telling me this. I will tell him that, angel. Thank you I'll talk to him when we have time and when my head is cool. arguing with him is usually fun, but this time, he's gone too far.
1 person likes this
@Angelpink (4035)
• Philippines
9 Feb 13
I can feel he has a bossy attitude maybe . Observe this thing from him because if i am to be asked this type of attitude is not good ! What more if he becomes your husband , all the things he will be saying would be followed, without listening your side ? A very dangerous trait! Also like he is hot tempered. Tell him his flaws so he will be aware and can have the chance to change while you are not yet married.
1 person likes this
• South Africa
9 Feb 13
While your boyfriend definitly does have a few good points, I can understand why you are currently hesitatnt to leave your parents home. You do not have a steady job right now and that will make it very difficult if you decide to go out on your own.I would suggest that you and your boyfriend and parents first discuss the situation in depth before you make any decisin.It is difficult, expensive and sometimes even dangerous in the bog old world.You need a good support network of family and friends :) ... oh, and as for being stuck in a comfort zone, for sure, thats ME :)
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
9 Feb 13
I do agree with his idea of being independent. I want to do that when I have everything I need and support from my family. But he is pushing me, he's been doing this since last year and its sickening. He doesn't like me being stuck in my comfort zone and it seemed he was.. disappointed in me. It's not like I want to please him so I will do it. I would do it for myself... only I don't have the right resources yet. The world is dangerous, but I am no longer that afraid of it. If I had money, I would willingly go out there and live on my own. Then learn how to take care of myself. But people, even my family, doubt I could handle such a thing. They don't have faith in me at all. They underestimate me so much, it makes me...
1 person likes this
@joliefille (3690)
• Philippines
9 Feb 13
I had been told that before by my ex. At first I reacted the same way you did. But as time went on I began to realize his counsel for me regarding being independent, not by means of overthinking and overreflecting on his advise, but rather different circumstances in my life showed me he made sense. To be honest you gotta see his words in another perspective. Guys say it as it is and women are prone to take things too personally even when the guy didn't mean to. You seem to be approaching it too personally when he says that advise to you but if you take away that thinking that it's meant to hurt you, you will realize he is being realistic about it. He's not gloating, he is telling you the reality that the best way to start being independent is now. If you wait some more and wait till the time is right to be independent, you wil never get your chance to be independent. You have to start in small steps. It doesn't have to be sudden. Life doesn't happen that way. Don't wait until something gets you stuck in that family situation before you can get out.
2 people like this
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
9 Feb 13
ARRRRRGHHHH!!! I know i know!!! I get the independent theory but things like that can't be rushed. I have my own plans of being independent he really shouldn't rush me to it, things take time, I just wished he had enough patience with me as I had supported him in his difficult times... why can't he be the same and be less annoying when he give such advises at least.... Just to make it clear. I have to intention of prolonging my dependence to my family. I just had to do this temporarily. Why do people assume that I want to remain in my comfort zone? It's simply that I don't have the requirements yet.
1 person likes this
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
9 Feb 13
Thank you so much for the response jolie. I didn't mean to rude here, sorry about that.
1 person likes this
@annierose (18926)
• Philippines
9 Feb 13
I was once in your shoes. When I was still a college student and was having a problem with my family, my boyfriend that time "who is already my ex-boyfriend now" told me to leave our house and look for an apartment. He told me that he will answer my expenses so that I can learn how to be more responsible. Well, I don't know much household chores and he thinks that I can know more of it when there is no one I can depend on with my foods, clothes and others. I did not agree with his suggestion because I don't want to depend on him for my daily expenses. I don't have a work too that time and I wonder how will I survive. Of course, I cannot ask him to answer everything because he must also spend some money for himself. Well, if your boyfriend cannot understand what you said just let him.YOu are not yet ready and you cannot forced yourself to stay away from your family. It is not practical. Wait for the right time that you already have a job and you think that you can stand on your own feet.
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
9 Feb 13
I would have refused that offer too. It would be a great deal of responsibility on his part. Maybe he wants to prove something that's why he suggested it. But it's not wise and practical at all. Your boyfriend was still a student that time too? Or was he employed? That's my plan. If my job is good enough and I have decent amount of income. i would move somewhere, and learn how to live in the world on my own. I'm forming a plan, even my parents don't know. They all think I am not capable of living on my own and keep reminding me of that. It's sick and I hate how they are treating me. Just because I am a bit lazy and often laid back, they assume I can't fend for myself.
1 person likes this
@edsss17 (4394)
• Philippines
9 Feb 13
After reading your discussion, I remember a quote from Robert Kiyosaki saying: If you want to be rich... don't allow yourself the luxury of excuses. I was stuck in my comfort zone 2 years ago. I keep complaining and making excuses and when it comes to excuses, I never ran out of that.. Just take a little step forward and you'll see how exciting it is outside your comfort zone! :)
2 people like this
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
9 Feb 13
ack, I know that. I would do that if I had money and a job, Since I don't have either, it's kind of stupid to just take a leap eh? I don't want to do something I would regret. If we want to take a step forward, let's at least use our logic more. I agree that I may seem like I'm making excuses. that is not the case. I want to be free more than anything and be independent. Some people like my boyfriend just see it as making excuses.. but I am not. It's merely that I have some things I have to take care of before moving out on my own. Is that too much to understand for him?
1 person likes this
@julyteen (13252)
• Davao, Philippines
10 Feb 13
It's hard to a woman to live separate from her parents specially in our country that woman will be cared off by both the parents and siblings. I didn't encourage my sisters to live independent because I don't want to put them in danger. You know, alot of opportunist nowadays, woman can be the easiest victim. But I don't like man still live their parents after 20 years old. I live separate from my parents at the age of 18, right after I finish my college course and got my first job 2 weeks after our graduation.
@julyteen (13252)
• Davao, Philippines
12 Feb 13
After I finished college I was hired as operation supervisor in one of the the known company few miles to my place. It happened that I can only went home once a year due to the distance. I am worried about the safety of my sisters. I will give her independent after she finished school and find a decent job in preparation for her bright future
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
12 Feb 13
Wow, that is fast. Were you referred to this company by someone you know? That's very fortunate! That's a good plan. Your sisters will appreciate it.
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
12 Feb 13
You are fortunate to have found a job so fast. What's your job? The circumstances in my life has not made it easy for me to live on my own. Maybe if I had a job with a higher salary, I would have been able to start earlier. That may sound as an excuse, but it's true. How can one live on his own if they don't have money and a job? simple as that. No need to assume that i chose to be stuck in my comfort zone because I wanted to. You have a good point too. Our country has this kind of culture. I think your sisters should make an effort to live on their own. The world is dangerous but you have to face the fact that they have to learn to take care of their selves too. You won't be helping them by keeping them safe. They won't learn so much like that. You have to let them go too. Women are often easy victims, but with proper guidance, they will make it through.
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 Feb 13
Oh, I'm an electric fence personality. If I step too far outside my comfort zone, I get a jolt of electricity, and I go right back into my comfort zone. Thing is, your boyfriend should be helping and supporting you, not pushing you. He shouldn't be making you feel bad about yourself. If it feels bad, something is wrong, and it's probably not you. You have to want to do it, and when you really do want to do it, you will do it.
1 person likes this
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
9 Feb 13
Thank you dawn! That's what it felt like. I think he was aiming on motivating me put ended up pushing me instead. It makes me feel bad whenever he talks like this with me. Does he think I can be like him? We are not the same person and we have our own solutions for different things. He's pushing his own methods to me, when I don't even find them wise. And when I say my disagreement, he'd sound disappointed and say that, 'it's up to you to help yourself' He's making me feel bad for not listening or following his advise it's annoying. Maybe that is not what he intended to do, but it sounded like that.
2 people like this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 Feb 13
It took me a lot of years, but I learned to listen to my feelings, and figure out the reason why I felt that way. My ex was an expert at making me feel like there was something wrong with me, and really there isn't, I'm just different.
• United States
9 Feb 13
I agree with Dawn here, Aja. There are many ways to motivate people to do things but it must be done for yourself and not for him. He can't expect you to do things his way and in the now. It's just not how we work. Like Dawn says, if you feel like sh*t, it's probably because the problem is really with him.
1 person likes this
• United States
9 Feb 13
If you don't have a job, how are you supposed to go out and live on your own? Where would the money come from for food, rent, utilities, etc.? I think that one of the best things that you could do to "step outside of your comfort zone," would be to dump your boyfriend. He isn't being loving and supportive. He is being pushy and rude. He is subtly undermining your faith in yourself. You do need to move beyond your parents' home. However, you also need to have enough resources in place that you can support yourself--not just go out, fail and end up back with your parents. That would be far worse than the situation in which you currently find yourself. Do what you need to do to build a solid foundation for yourself. Find a job. Continue your education. Join professional groups. Then, once you have a solid enough foundation, move outward and onward.
1 person likes this
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
10 Feb 13
hahaha, many of you here have told me that he deserves to be dumped. I couldn't blame you guys. My mind thinks that what he is doing is so wrong that if it keeps up and doesn't attempt to change no matter how much I explain things to him, then I have to terminate this relationship. But I think I shouldn't jump to conclusions and consider other factors too. He's so cranky lately, he's almost like a different person than I thought he was. But again, it's much to early to conclude plus I made a promise I wouldn't mess the relationship especially at a critical time in his life(he is studying for a board exam) Even when I don't like what he is doing to me, I will keep my word, a promise I made to myself and his mom. Thank you wilson! That is what I think too. My boyfriend must have been full of himself because he made it even when he is not prepared, so he kind of dared me to do the same. Which is silly because our situations are not the same at all. I'm having a hard time with finding a job. I've been in so many interviews and ended up failing. I need to develop more skills as it might help me get jobs better. Also the professional group joining is a great idea. I will search that!
@allknowing (130088)
• India
9 Feb 13
My situation is different. I have gone through all those uncertainties, having left home to fend for myself the difference being that I stayed with my sister until I got married not the best solution but I had little choice as she decided everything for us as my mother had great confidence in her. The only time I had put my foot down was when she showed displeasure when I got a job that made me financially better off than her. I had no alternative but to stick on there for a few more months till I got married but those few months were hell for me. That is history now and much water has flowed under the bridge since then. Your boy friend is not doing the right thing by making you feel that getting out would be the best for you. You know yourself better than anyone else. You could start the process of learning to take decisions right where you are now and then slowly move out.
1 person likes this
@allknowing (130088)
• India
9 Feb 13
Besides making suggestions I don't think one should be goaded into doing something a against one's will. You should stick to your ground and decide when you think it is time for you to be on your own. I feel for you that he was rude to you which should not have happened. You know best how to handle it.
1 person likes this
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
9 Feb 13
You and my boyfriend have some similar situations. He also lived with his older sister who is supporting him with his education. But he complains that his sister puts him under pressure and seem to assume that he will not do good in some things or they argue over something. I'm not totally sure. But when he had enough with his sister, he packed his things and left(even when he was not ready) not wanting to go back there again. He did not have a job, he didn't have that much money and he is a graduating college student. That was last year. After that he applied for a job, earned his own income through those jobs and kept up with school work too. It is admirable a feat. However this time, he's become too proud I think that he is like challenging me to do the same, even when I am not completely ready. I hate how he treats me lately and I don't think I'm gonna talk to him until he apologizes. He still thinks what he is doing to me is right and good for me, but I wonder if he realizes how much this is breaking me. thank you allknowing for sharing that. I think moving out for now would be a bad decision, I still need more time.
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
9 Feb 13
Thank you allknowing. I needed that. Many people around have reminded me how much of a failure I am makes me an emo wreck but I'm doing what I can. I don't need people to push me to do things I am not prepared for, because I have my own schedule and plans to follow. Thank you for your support It's just hard when we are reminded how incapable we are of some things... He tried to help and... he was not good at timing and delivery at all. That's one of his greatest weak point, and one of the reasons why I find him so annoying.
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
9 Feb 13
Your situation, being single is very different from mine. But I do think that you should really not be in a hurry to be on your own if you think that you really are not ready for it. I mean, considering that you are jobless, how are you suppose to pay for the rent, right? Not unless your boyfriend wants you to move in together.....
2 people like this
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
9 Feb 13
Yeah, that's what makes it stupid. I am still training to improve my skills for a certain job and plan to apply afterwards. But he seemed very pushy and wanted me to be independent just because I said that If I had a job I would remain in my parents house temporarily because renting my own place would mean more expenses. He's comparing me to him. He's proud of his independence and manages to make me feel bad that I'm not independent. thank you jenny.
1 person likes this
• United States
9 Feb 13
and now to give you my personal reply... There is nothing wrong in staying with your parents as long as you are not a couch potato. Men if they are mature enough realize that it takes a woman longer before they are ready to move out of mom and dad's home. Women need a lot of support and love from their families and when they know they have that it builds their strength and self reliance over time. So what if you're still with them? I moved out and moved back in with my parents TWICE. I had to. Is that my comfort zone? Not really. My comfort zone was when I made the final leap and was living on my own and made my own decisions. Your boyfriend can't decide for you when you are ready. You will know. Don't let him push you that way. Simply be honest and tell him to back off, otherwise that he is being too domineering. What kind of relationship do you want? Any man who tries to push a person into something is trying to dominate the partner. Mind you, women can be guilty of this as well but normally it's more heard of from men.
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Feb 13
Nooo! LOL ... No couch potatoes allowed. So you are doing something to better yourself. The training program is the best thing you can do for yourself. That is your independence right there. Seeing that he is also DEPENDENT on his mother, he's no one to talk. What a freaking hypocrite. I'm sorry, but I see what he is really doing. That's just not right. I hope you are sure he's going to be worth your time and effort because that right there would make me break off the relationship. What kind of freaking idiot would push a woman to get independent and make money yet depends on MOMMY. Freaking idiot. I'm in a relationship myself and if my terms were exactly like yours, I would tell him to get out of my face. Why deal with something like that now? I'd hate to be in that situation and come marriage he still wants you to do everything while he's the couch potato. Screw that.
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
10 Feb 13
Hahaha, I'm a natural couch potato. But here's some benefits to it, when I use the laptop, I am actually earning on mylot. When I watch tv, I improve my listening skills which comes in handy with my training. Medical transcriptionist need good hearing skills, so these I developed. I may seem like a couch potato, but I am actually making use of it too. Well, my grandma gives me money as an allowance. I use it for food and fare to get to school. I save money as much as possible. I haven't even gone anywhere expensive because I don't want to waste money. LOL, he is an idiot. His intentions are good, but he's not the type who thinks before he talks. he's like that. But I see he loves me and is sincere. I'm strong enough not to let things get to me for too long. I easily recover and can hold my own enough. If this was all he did, I would have dumped. But he's done many good things too, and he helped me in many situations and gave me good advise before. So this is not enough to dump him. If ever he became domineering and annoying like that, I would never marry him. He apologized to me and admitted he was wrong. Hard to stay mad at him long. No worries, he can never treat me badly, because I never will allow him and whenever he does, I would scold him.
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
10 Feb 13
Haha, but I am a couch potato. But I help around sometimes. I am also participating in a training program that will help me gain skills for a job I plan on having. And then I also try to earn on mylot and try article writing to earn some extra money too. Am I really that irresponsible?? Come to think of it, no, i'm not that comfortable being around me family emotionally and mentally. Physically I am comfortable because I get to eat and sleep well. But I need to stay here for now because I can't support myself yet. Actually, my boyfriend is all talk about independence, but his mom still actually supports him with money. I never criticized him about it. But here he is, talking to me about independence. How annoying. That's why it made me think he was gloating his accomplishments and is subtly challenging me. I won't let him, thank you. The thing that really upset is his behavior towards me, and how he spoke to me. No, I don't think he was trying to be dominant. It's just that he has strong issues with independence and doesn't want me to be a dependent person. He wants me to grow. His intentions are good, i am sure of that, it's just that he is rather harsh and pushy when he attempts to motivate me.
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
9 Feb 13
Partly I think your bf might be right. I say partly because it all also depends on how you life while staying with your parents. YOu can take care of yourself, pay them for the room you use, take your responsibility for your own acts. It's not Always about being stucked in a comfort zones, both parts can help eachother out as well (my 22 year old daughter is living with me and is doing a part of the work/care that has to be done as well).
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
10 Feb 13
hi aja wow if you become a medical transcriptionist you will really make money then you will be able to do the things your boyfriend talks about..How old is he by the way?Stick to your studies as that a good field.I have several friends who work in that field and they do make decent money too.I think your boyfriend needs to back off and let you finish your own plans first.
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
9 Feb 13
I know my boyfriend is right. Just that I disagree with him trying to push me into doing something I am not ready for. It's not really fear of losing my comfort zone that is holding me back, it's my lack of financial resources. how can I be independent if I don't have income? Back when I had a job, I share a percentage of my earnings to help around the house and I realized months later that this is not a good decision because I was not able to save money at all, so I have no way to move out of the house. Since I have no income now, I am using the little money I have saved as a daily allowance. And sometimes my parents even borrow money from me. I am currently studying for medical transcriptionist so that I can work as one in the future. I just need more time. Is my logic wrong?
1 person likes this
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
10 Feb 13
Thank you hatley. My boyfriend is 22, we are the same age. He is mature, but he can be hard headed sometimes. Yep, I am training as a med trans. I hear it makes good money if I work under US companies. here in the philippines, the pay is really low. I think I need to know people personally who will pay me to transcribe for them. So you know people who are in the same field? Could you tell me more about how they are in their jobs? I really need to know people who work this job so I can ask for tips. You have really encouraged me to do well in this training. I also hear it makes decent money. We just have to be resourceful!
@spicymary (558)
• Romania
9 Feb 13
Your boyfriend may be feeling suffocated in his parent's house and just wanted to start his own life. This can be a good thing, but not always. You will have all the time to do this, to work and take care about your house. Now, when your parents can do this for you, you might focus on your studies and get how much you can from this time. I guess it depends also on your age.
1 person likes this
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
9 Feb 13
Actually his family is broken. His parents separated, his father has another family. His eldest sister is the one who supported him financially. He felt suffocated because of her so that made him want to be independent and free from her. As for me, I love my family and I'd like to be with them at this time when they can still take care of me, i don't have to rush independence. besides, I can always be partially independent and help support my family. I don't really have to move out although I considered moving out for experience and for me to learn how to be independent. I'm old enough to be independent. just not financially ready. thank you for responding.
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
16 Feb 13
I call it being disciplined but I see now that you could say I'm stuck in my comfort zone. The thing is, it's not very comfortable and I'm missing out on so much. I'm 60 years old now and I've never allowed myself to let my hair down and live life. I've never been well off and that was always the excuse I used to myself and it's true and I could not see my way around that but now I am comfortable financially and so I'm taking off on an overseas trip soon. Ask yourself what do you want out of life. I'm sure you don't want to be with your parents forever. Do you want to travel and have adventures? To you want to have lots of fun with friends? Do you want to settle down and have a family (not with your boyfriend, he sounds too controlling)? Figure it out sweety because we only get one go at life and it goes by all too quickly.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
16 Feb 13
I can tell you have a lot going for you and I understand that you cannot have a plan yet but I know you still have hopes and dreams. The steps you take to reach your mini goals which will lead to maxi goals, may have to be tiny ones, e.g. putting aside a dollar a week. You may need to step sideways for a while, do some courses, get to meet people, make friends with people while you look for work and go back to see them often. Back-packing and walking are an adventure themselves. I have a feeling you will be fine. Turn those negative ideas into positives, concentrate not on what you can't do or don't have - focus on what you can do and do have. It's a good exercise and it does make things happen.
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
16 Feb 13
That is great, Tickle. Now you are financially comfy to take off overseas! That sounds fun. My boyfriend is not controlling. He can never control me even if he tries. But he is crazy and a wee bit proud. I have plans of travelling some day. I am ready to go out there mentally and physically. The only problem is I don't have money. That is why I am working on getting more money. I want to travel before I am 30. That is my goal. I want to visit many places. Sadly, I am not as fortunate us other people who get this privilege easily because of their parents' money. I have to start from scratch in order to achieve my dreams. I fear it will take a long time and I would be too old to travel I sure hope not. I can manage the discomforts of back packing and travelling on foot. I don't need to be in a luxurious hotel to travel. travelling on a budget is better than no travel at all. My boyfriend and I plan to back pack when we are both financially ready. I am still looking for a job, save some money, invest some, make more money elsewhere, anything to speed the money making to make my dream come true. I have plans in mind, only I can't take a major step yet because of financial draw backs. I have to admit, that without money, it won't be possible to achieve the things I want to achieve. Unless someone else gives me an idea to accomplish this faster, I am open to new ideas. Thank you for responding.
1 person likes this
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
18 Apr 13
Yes. Haha, I have a rather short attention span. I was advised to have mini goals to focus on that will ultimately lead to my big goals. Oh, yes. Thank you for that advise tickle. haha, any tips on how to be a more of a 'people person'? Haha, my boyfriend also likes to go travel/backpacking because it's more challenging and cheaper compared to expensive resort vacations. Lately I have been training myself to be used to lesser resources and more endurance in walking for long periods of time. Thank you so much!
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
10 Feb 13
Aja you then will not like what I am saying as your boy friend has a point. If the mama bird did not push the young birds out of the nest they will die as they will not learn how to fly.Parents too need to start suggesting to their adult kids that its time to get a job or go to college but also get their own apartment. ONce they have the job often some parents will finance the first and last payment on the apartment so the kids have an incentive to moving out and on their own. Of course they will visit their parents often but now they are adults and are making a new exciting life for themselves. Really its an awesome feeling when you realize you can work and pay rent and build your own life and bank account too.You can have friends visit you and hang out together.you are an adult now. I worked and cared for myself until just four years ago then found I needed some help so am now in a retirement center.But I am 86 and we were homeless so thats why I am really here.Do think about moving out and getting your own place as surely you do not intend to live with your parents all your life??
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
10 Feb 13
Of course, I know that hatley. and I thank you for your response. Believe me, believe me, I would have done that if I had money and a job. I still have some savings from my last job and annoyingly, my parents keep borrowing from me, so now it's very low and I failed to get jobs. Believe me when I say I gave it my everything. I also used the money to pay for some training I joined. Plus, admittedly, my parents couldn't pay my rent and supplies either. trust me, it is additional burden and expenses for them. They even have to resort to borrowing money from me because of our financial crisis. See where this is heading? Trying to be independent now that I don't have money and a job is not wise at all. So I have to wait till I have both money and job before I get to do that. I want that kind of feeling just that I don't have resources the problem here is not that I want to remain in this comfort zone, but the problem is lack of resources to start living independently. I don't intend to live with my parents all my life. I wonder why people seem to assume this. Maybe I forgot to mention this? I have plans moving out just not just yet because I don't have money and a job. I am thankful for your response and you have inspired me more to be independent. I see you are retired. You live in a retirement home and having fun mylotting in your free time?
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
12 Feb 13
Maybe I am not all that brave. -shrug- I'm working on things I need in order to accomplish this goal: being independent. I appreciate this wisdom you are sharing frai. I am thinking along the same lines, as well. It's different though, because I don't think believing is enough. No matter what, we still need some material things like money. I don't want to end up going out to live on my own now without money and then return when I lose what little resources I have. Being prepared takes more than just believing and being brave in this matter, money is essential here. And that money is what I am trying to earn now.
• Penrith, Australia
10 Feb 13
I think it is my turn to tell you to be brave. You might be thinking "sure there is something i want to do, but what are the chances of it working out?" I understand if you have reasons But if you put off to later something that you really want, then you aren't being true to yourself. If you decide firmly that you want something, and make a conscious effort to accomplish that goal, you really can. It may be difficult and strenuous process full of highs and lows, but you wouldn't fully understand your ups if you've never experienced the downs. Paulo coelho ones wrote " when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it." I believe that. Observe it. Take a couple of sincere strides to what you want and observe how the universe responds to your wishes. Dont expect the things you need to magically appear in front of you easy, instead, be prepared to give it everything you've got. If you refuse to give in, you cannot be stopped. The only thing holding you back is you. To love yourself is to do what you want,
@pokumon (644)
• United States
11 Feb 13
His tactics seem to be counterintuitive. He wants to help but he just does not know how. I was and perhaps still am in a similar situation as your own. I however really did not want to move back in with my parents. After graduating from college I was unemployed for 4 months. I had some savings to fall back on and I was not entirely prepared to enter the real world. As I was applying for jobs I took the liberty of auditing a few classes I never got to take while at my school. I learned things and wrote a really cool chapter that may get published in a popular science book someday. Having no car made my job search very difficult. I mostly applied to places in Pasadena and at my school. I couldn't get a single interview until May however and lucked out that my mentor from an unpaid internship wanted to work with me again and could actually afford to pay me something for my time. Meanwhile, I went on one interview, which I did not get but which I did not lament because the hourly pay was so much below what I had hoped for. A real estate broker kept giving me the run around such that after 5 attempts at an interview I simply told him I did not want to come in. Nobody wants to work for a man who cannot even meet with someone for 15 minutes and doesn't have the courtesy of calling to say he won't be there. Again, I lucked out in June by running into an old friend at Caltech. I asked her how she was doing and what she was doing and she said that she was tutoring in Koreatown. Half jokingly I asked whether they were hiring and she said that they actually needed a math tutor for the summer. She forwarded my resume a week later and I got an interview right away. I got the job and am very grateful for everything. My boyfriend never pressured me and offered to drive me to interviews. My sister had called him and told him to force me into getting a job, but he respectfully refused to listen to him. Just tell your boyfriend how he can help.
@pokumon (644)
• United States
12 Feb 13
It seems to be a big point of contention between the two of you. I hope that things work out for you and that this doesn't cause you two to break up. Yelling at him won't make things better and will just cause you to drift further apart. I wish you the best of luck on your job search. I think that it is wonderful that you are helping your family out, and I hope they will soon be able to repay your kindness.
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
12 Feb 13
It is only me, actually. My boyfriend thinks this issue is over. I still have some feelings of anger left though but I don't intend to let it ruin our relationship. I just need patience because this time he is at a critical time of his life and he is very stressed. I don't want to add to that burden. LOL, my family, i think, is the one expecting from me. I don't think they will repay me. but they will help me because I am family and it's also their responsibility as parents. Thanks po!
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
12 Feb 13
This is what how he usually approach things. He tends to try helping but ended up being annoying. When I tell him that, he starts getting upset and in his mind, I believe he thinks that his help is not being appreciated. It's really dumb and makes me more annoyed. It's as if he does not have faith in me and don't believe me when I say that I know what I am doing and what I have to do. That I have some plans of mine that I am following. The big factor that I couldn't save money is because I was giving money to my parents, grandparents and used them for requirements for work. Now, I have barely any left, because my parents borrowed money from me again. Luck is also a big matter here. Even when we work so hard to achieve something, it won't mean we will get it. That is why I am making sure to prepare everything. My boyfriend is extremely lucky because he found a job fast and people helped him out. Now, he has become such a brag, it's annoying me. He is very confident now that he seem to underestimate me. It's very annoying. Now, I so badly want to show him. I told him, he should sh-t up and that would help more. That didn't stop him though. I'm still angry at what he did. But for now, I can't let my anger show. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me! Made me motivated. I wish my boyfriend was more understanding like yours.
@Mavic123456 (21898)
• Thailand
10 Feb 13
I went out of this comfort zone. Comfort zone is boring. when I feel a little comfortable I try to find some place to have a little thrill in my life. Odd? maybe yes. I am tired of comfort zone.
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
10 Feb 13
It's not odd. I think it's a good habit to try new things. It makes you learn and makes you enjoy life more.
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
12 Feb 13
Actually, people should be more like that. We all need to grow and step out of our comfort zones. You are blessed to have a natural inclination to do that without being held back.
@Mavic123456 (21898)
• Thailand
10 Feb 13
Exactly.. thanks for not thinking I am ODD.
@yugocean (9975)
• India
10 Feb 13
I never had a girlfriend, so I don't know what to feel, but this is so bad to force your loved one to live on own. This is important that you must find some job, but this do not means you should leave your parents to live life of your own. You can live separately after your marriage, till then live with your parents with love.
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
12 Feb 13
Thanks for underestanding, yugo. People can be so hard on us sometimes, even when the solution they offer us is impractical to begin with.
@yugocean (9975)
• India
15 Feb 13
You know Aja, now you are grown up and its time for you to get married too, so why your boyfriend is forcing you instead of accepting as you are? I'll say if he really loves you and he should accept it, it is his duty too. Oh did I said too much? Sorry Aja, but every real couple are married.
@yugocean (9975)
• India
16 Feb 13
.... Your boyfriend is still a student and he is saying something upsetting.
@blackrusty (3519)
• Mexico
10 Feb 13
well if you feel safe at your home with your parents then i dont see why not stay as long as your parents are ok with you living with them and it may also be wise to talk to them to see how they feel about it as well
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
10 Feb 13
My parents are worried I go out at night, so i don't think they are ready about me moving out either. They are very concerned about my safety. They think of me as an innocent girl who is not ready to face the world. How can they know that unless they let me try?
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
12 Feb 13
That's a good idea. For now, my parents are more concerned I get a job. They kind of want me to help around the house more, have my own income and help with the expenses. Living away from them. I don't think they would approve of that yet.
• Mexico
10 Feb 13
i would worry as a parent too if you are going out later at night no young lady should out late unless she was a group of people as they say safety in numbers something else that could be said is have your parent go with you to find your new home and they can tell you if they will approve of the place one thing i say is make sure you need is close by meaning laundry stores banks good luck