don't know what to do....

United States
February 17, 2013 10:18pm CST
I read some text messages between my son and my ex. My ex is trying to convince my son to move out of the house in April. My son kept telling him that he wants to move out after he graduates in June. I realize that my son will be turning 18 in April and I can't stop him. But, I still have to pay for his driving class by the end of this month. I have to get the graduation announcements paid off next month. Still need to get his class ring before June. Have his graduation party, finish teaching him to drive. He wants a new bedroom suite for his birthday. None of these are less than $250. Should I keep paying knowing that he's moving out the day after graduation? Or just get what I know needs to be paid and just get him the basics?? I've got put this in God's hands and ask for an angel to guide us through this. Am I ready for an empty house????
4 people like this
14 responses
@nmariean (19)
• United States
19 Feb 13
I don't think not getting him the things he needs is a bad idea. It doesn't matter when he will move out. I would think about it this way: if he had been living with his father sick young age, would you have stopped buying or contributing to the things he needs? The answer is probably no, so now is not the time to abandon him. Just because he will be 18 doesn't mean he doesn't need you. Unless he is living on his own and leaving your house on bad terms, then I would continue to support him, but also make sure that his father contributes as well.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Feb 13
I couldn't just abandon my kids, however, I think if they were to move in with their father, he would make it more difficult for them to continue their education. i worry about them. :/
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Feb 13
I understand your points. Unfortunately you are right he will be an adult and you can't hold him forever. I have a daughter who will be moving to college next September. We would love for her to stay but ultimately it is her decision and I can't stop her, so I know how you feel. It is a tough situation all around. I will say this though. Since he will be an adult, I think you are right to stop the cell phone, and perhaps also the driving lessons. He is making the choice to move out so while I would feel bad for him, I would also use this opportunity to teach him about some more responsibility and have him earn the money for the driving lessons.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Feb 13
age does not mean anything when it comes to you buying your kids things. I would let the father get the bedroom set and pay half of evertything els.e
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Feb 13
If it wasn't for the fact that I now owe the IRS money, it wouldn't be a big issue. But for the next 6 months, my budget is real small and we have to tighten up on what we spend.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (157677)
• Garden Grove, California
19 Feb 13
hi I think gifts has a point and since he snuck the moving in with him on you I would ask his dad to pay for the bedroom set and most everything else. you have you r own problems to deal with .your x should help you really not connive with yo r son behind your back as thats not kosher.
@lelin1123 (15645)
• Puerto Rico
18 Feb 13
Considering he will be moving in with his father I would do only the basics for him. Why should you buy everything if he will not be with you for a long time. I would do the basis as for the bedroom set let the father buy him that since he will be living with him. Why should it all be on you anyway. Since your son is choosing his father over you then just do what needs to be done for school and driving lessons since he will still be with you at that point. The bedroom set unless the ex is going half with you on the expense let him deal with it. In fact, he should be going half on everything from school ring, driving lessons, graduation party etc.... Good luck and everyone has to deal with an empty nest at some point. Don't worry you can do it.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Feb 13
All he pays is the child support and I try to get everything done with that. When my son asks for anything more that I know I can't do, he'll ask his father and majority of the time, he'll come through for him. I just don't see why I should buy him the bedroom suite, and he takes it out of here. I don't think it's fair. I've already decided that if he does move out, I'll have to take the cell phone. I'm not paying for something that I don't have access to. His father can buy him a new phone! I won't take him back to take his driving test. No point of going through the motions of putting him on my insurance if he's not living at home and driving my vehicles. His father can deal with that! But I won't be telling my son this until he decides that he's leaving.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Feb 13
Sometimes that tough love is what is needed to wake a kid up. You shouldn't be responsible to buy him a bedroom suite, or the insurance on the car or the cell phone. As you said, he has to make a choice here but he can't have his cake and eat it too. A wake up call wouldn't hurt him any regardless of how much it hurts you to do. Sometimes that is just what is needed.
• Philippines
18 Feb 13
Doing everything for your son as mom should not be a question... just do everything with love; It does not matter if he is going to move out or not... what matter is how you made him feel that he is well love and kept by her mother that is all that matters... because when you do... your son will be more confident because he knows he has a mother who loves him and a mother he can turn to no matter what. I am not a mother yet but I know as a daughter I have to move out and pursue the life that was been given to me... and every child leave his/her parents house to grow... but being a child whom being very love will always go back home to say hi and show our love to our parents and appreciation in everything they did for us. So don't worry its normal for a child to do things on his own.. and it is also normal for a child to experience both his parents care... so if he decided to be with his dad just let him be and just continuesly show him your love for him. God bless you.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Feb 13
Over the last two years, I have been preparing myself for the kids to move out of the house. Granted, it's always been to move to a college campus, not to their father's house BEFORE graduating! That he told them to keep it from me! That just burns me up!!!
1 person likes this
@sishy7 (26644)
• Australia
18 Feb 13
I'd do my best for whatever would be supportive for your son. I'm sure he's also mature enough not to put his mom in bad situation financially and emotionally. All will be well as I see you put your trust in God. Two of my elder sons go to local college and they still live with me. I have yet to experience having my kids leaving to be on their own. My third one is graduating from high school the end of this year and few weeks ago he told me he might be looking at some colleges at another state. He has always been the most independent one, but every time I think about what he said made me sad somehow. I know I can't stop him if that's what he wants and I have to support him instead. I also ask God to give me strength to go through everything for the sake of my children's best interest in life.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Feb 13
Do you ever feel like yelling at him that he doesn't know what he's doing yet?? That he needs to be guided to make the right decision?? A part of me wants to yell at him that he's making a mistake, but like you said, I'm trying to support him instead. I will pray that God blesses you with the strength you need.
1 person likes this
@bjc66bjc (6745)
• United States
18 Feb 13
Where will you son move to either in April or June??,,will he be going with his Dad or on his own...But the things you listed are just what should be done for his graduation.. other than the new bedroom set or driving lessons..But since he is in touch with his dad, where does he fit in this scenero. It just seems like his dad could pitch in on these things... Any way good luck and do what you can for your son,,it is an] important landmark in his life...
• United States
18 Feb 13
He will be moving in with his father. His father lives about 45 minutes down the road from us. Up till two weeks ago, his father was living with us. He made the decision to move out as we had made the decision to move out of the old house to the new house. So part of me wants to think that my ex is trying to get back by taking my son away. But I have to realize that my son will be 18 and I can't hold him home forever. :'(
@bjc66bjc (6745)
• United States
18 Feb 13
Well It sounded like something was just not kosher with that story...and he may be just doing as you mentioned but I just think its terrible when parents put childern in the mix of adults stuff...Just not a good scenerio... Good luck to you and your son,,,
• United States
19 Feb 13
That's what has me most mad. That he's using my son to hurt me. I haven't said anything to my ex yet as I don't want him to know that this does hurt me, but I did tell my kids that I know what's going on. That if they think they're ready to move out, to write down the pros and cons of living here and living with him. To think about this long and seriously and without anyone pressuring them. I left it at that. I'm praying that I'm doing the right thing.
@anuraa32 (2453)
• India
19 Feb 13
Hi angelwithkids... Well I really feel bad that your son is moving out and you are left with an empty house. But then when he is moving out is something that you came to know from the conversation he had with someone else. Was it your son saying that he is moving out in April for sure, or was it your ex advising him to do it so. And has the son come back to you after the conversation he had with your ex and told you officially that he moving out. If not then he has not made the decision. And I think these are a few things he is not going to be able to pay for immediately. Yes it can be made clear that the expenses already thought about could be made by you. And now that he wants to move out, whatever expenses that will crop up he should bear. And a word of advice from a generation which more closer to your son's age, let the bird fly, stretch his wings and test them. Who knows, he may see the logic of coming back to you and staying with you. But dont alienate him now and say hey you moving out then take care of your own expense. That would be cruel.
• United States
20 Feb 13
My son has told me that he wants to go to a college and live on campus. He didn't tell me about what his father has said or is doing. When I asked my daughter if she had the same conversation with their father, she said yes. She then told me that he told her not to tell me!! It took a while before I could speak rationally. I did advise the kids that they need to weigh the pros/cons of living here and living there. To take their time to decide. I'm praying that God gives them the knowlege and peace they need to make this decision.
1 person likes this
@anuraa32 (2453)
• India
20 Feb 13
Let him go. Let him live on the campus. Its an experience in itself. It will only lead to developing your son's personality. Trust me. Don't feel bad. Let him be and he will love you even more. Just be there for him when he needs you and even when he doesnt. I know today I love my mom more. But at 18 we just want to fly
@cttolledo (2314)
• Batangas, Philippines
19 Feb 13
I think you should follow what is in your heart to make your son happy. Moving out doesn't mean no plans of returning so it is okey for you to pursue with your plans of providing your son to have his own room .. Take note your are the mother and no child can stay long without the mother...
• United States
20 Feb 13
That's what I keep telling myself. That eventually that they're not going to like it over there. I just hate the way he's making them keep it a secret.
• Philippines
19 Feb 13
If you are financially capable, it is best to give your son what he deserves since he he is graduating in June. He will soon become an adult so you need to accept the fact that he will make his own decisions already. Give everything you can give to him and show him that you love him so much.
• United States
20 Feb 13
Since he's my "baby", I want to give him everything we got for his sister last year. I've been dealing with the issues that the kids will be leaving for college and all that. I've kept telling the kids to talk to me about it. It's the fact that my ex told the kids to keep it from me.
@kprofgames (3025)
• United States
19 Feb 13
I think that's pretty crappy that you foot the bill on everything. It's wrong. I understand wanting to have a nice graduation but you had this child together so you should both help with the costs of this graduation. Knowing that your son is being used as a toy to take jabs at you is sadder still. I don't understand that and went through it with my step children. I wouldn't be paying for everything if you know he's going to move out. TO me that's just wrong for your son to do that. No one should be expected to foot the bill on everything all to be told thanks and see ya around the next day. One day your boy is going to realize he was manipulated but in the mean time, sit down with him and tell him that you just can't be expected to pay for everything. A family pulls together in hard times and even if it's his graduation he needs to e realistic on what you can and can't afford.
• United States
20 Feb 13
That's what gets me now. The ex lived with us for the past year and a half. The kids know what he's like. They've seen it first hand. So for them to believe that things will change just because he's living with his girlfriend now, ticks me off.
@Hatley (157677)
• Garden Grove, California
19 Feb 13
hi angelwithkids so your son wants to move out once hes eighteen but you are supposed to pay for all this stuff wow. cannot his dad lend a hand here as I know you are not made of money so ask for some help on this even he at almost eighteen could help a little with some of the costs.As you suggest why not just the basic and let him or his dad pay for the other st uff. Why should you have to handle all those costs if hes moving out on you. It will take some getting used to for awhile I can well imagine. hope things turn out well for you.I will send some prayers to help your son and you with all these costs.
• United States
20 Feb 13
Thank you Hatley. I'm trying to put all of this on God's hands as even more drama is popping up every where I turn around.
@cutepenguin (6458)
• Canada
18 Feb 13
It sounds like you're having a tough time right now. Is your ex paying for some of the graduation costs? If he wants your son to move in with him in April, maybe he should be planning to pay for the graduation expenses. It sounds like he's being vindictive and using your son as a pawn, though. I would get whatever it was that you wanted to do for your son. He's still young and he'll make some mistakes. I wouldn't get him anything that wasn't something that you originally wanted or had on your list to pay for.
• United States
19 Feb 13
Aside from the child support, no he's not paying for anything. I'm trying to do what I can with what we have. Now that I have this big IRS situation on my hands, it just makes our cash flow even smaller/tighter. Yes, he's using him as a pawn and I hate it!
• Dhaka, Bangladesh
18 Feb 13
Hi angelwithkids, it is really shocking that your son is leaving you after completion of his graduation. His father is calling him. Actually a kid wants affection of both his/her mother and father. Probably father will not tolerate his activities, the way a mother can. After few days, he will realize, love of which is better. You should pay all his dues or you should ensure it from your ex. It is better, you can pay it, if you are able to pay. Have a nice day.
• United States
19 Feb 13
I know that my son wants to leave. I have him doing a lot of chores. Everything he does, he ends up doing well and making me proud. But when he doesn't do somthing correct, and I try to correct him, he gets mad about it. I suggested to him to make a list of the pros/cons of living with me and living with his father. Don't let either of us pressure him into anything. I just want to beat my ex for doing this!
@Raine38 (8987)
• United States
18 Feb 13
I do not have a kid yet, but if I were in your position, I will do everything that I can do to help my kid. As long as I will not be forsaking or letting go of my own basic needs, my kid will be given priority. We cannot hold them with us forever even if we want to. Like you said, sooner or later they will have to go and be independent. Actually, if only I am rich and capable I would never want any of my children (if ever) to go far away from me. But since I know I am not and I can only teach them so much about life, they will need to leave in order to grow.
• United States
19 Feb 13
I have always made my kids my priority. that's one of the reasons why this hurts, a lot! I'm also realizing that this is the time for them to get ready for their next stage of life. I've been trying to prepare myself for this moment. I just hate that my ex is pressuring to leave the next before they're ready. My son doesn't graduate from high school till June and the ex is wanting him to leave in April! He's not even thinking about what's good for my son, just thinking of himself!