Maybe I have changed...

@dawnald (84131)
Shingle Springs, California
February 23, 2013 12:23pm CST
Last night our respite care person, Michelle, was back. She had taken some time off because her adopted son, who had been in a really bad accident, was home from the hospital. Michelle's there for Cary, who has autism, but the girls really like her, and she doesn't charge us extra to watch them, so I usually go out on Fridays. Only Tony has dialysis most Fridays, so usually I wait around until he's done. Last night I was tired and hungry and was trying to arrange to meet him over there so I wouldn't have to wait so long. But he had fallen asleep and didn't hear the phone, and by the time he replied that he was coming out here, I had decided fine, I'll wait. So I was really, really grouchy when he got here. We went to Denny's, and they didn't have my chicken and spinach thing any more. I had the pot roast, which was really good comfort food anyway. And I didn't bite Tony's head off. For what? Just because I was cranky and things didn't work out the way I had planned. You see, I probably would have said something really b*tchy 5, 10, 20 years ago. I guess all the counseling has helped me recognize when it's me and not the other person. So I just said, "I'm really grouchy" instead of making it all his fault for not hearing the phone and saying "sure come on over". Maybe I have changed. Or maybe it's just who I'm with.
8 people like this
27 responses
@Raine38 (9029)
• United States
23 Feb 13
Maybe you're right to both. As we grow older, we grow wiser, more mature (supposedly, although I know a couple of adults who act no better than a teenager). That is a good change in you, and you even felt better. Although your counseling would have indeed helped, the big chunk of the responsibility to change for the better still rests on you. It's like the counseling just chiseled a few blocks to enhance the natural you.
3 people like this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
23 Feb 13
I think we grow more experienced, but wiser? I think that depends on the person's ability to look within, to be willing to change, etc. Some people never do.
1 person likes this
23 Feb 13
I think nothing feels better when you know yourself best and able to express it. Changes are made also I believe depending with whom we are with since we know in some point the person already and knew them already sometimes we tend to shift our behavior towards them to let them feel what we feel about it.
3 people like this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
23 Feb 13
Thing is, the person I am with accepts me the way I am. My ex was more like "I'll put up with you because I love you." There's a big difference between accepting and putting up with.
@STOUTjodee (3401)
• United States
23 Feb 13
You've just realized not to sweat the small stuff and that could come with aging and maturing and being with that special person. Now, I'm the opposite on some things, I use to be a person who people use to walk on/over, but now I've matured and won't stand for it anymore.
2 people like this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
23 Feb 13
I've realized how to recognize what my feelings mean, so I can pick a better course of action...
1 person likes this
@alberello (4755)
• Italy
23 Feb 13
Well, you think you've changed? Well, from what I could deduce from your discussion, if you there was a change, I think positive! Or rather, on the one hand were surly having your reasons. But even though you have not said a bad word (which maybe you would have done years earlier). So if you think you are able to contain you changed from situations that make you "lose your head", I believe that your change has been positive. Are you agree?
2 people like this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
23 Feb 13
Yes,of course it's positive.
@TriciaW (2441)
• United States
23 Feb 13
It is great that you are now able to recognize when it is just a you thing and not take it out on someone else. Many of us need to learn that trick. I think to we learn a lot when we have a child that has special needs and we are more likely then others have to keep so much of our frustration deep inside us. I think it is wonderful you are going to counseling what a great way to take care of yourself. Keep up the good work. The changes you are making are for the better and you should be very proud of yourself!!
2 people like this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
23 Feb 13
I'm not going to counseling any more, but I was there for years...
@savypat (20247)
• United States
23 Feb 13
I think both of these things are true. As we grow we change and those changes attract people of like energies. The only thing to watch out for is your reaction to people you knew before. You may find yourself reacting to them in the same way you did before. Human beings love habits and unless you are aware the old habits can sneak up on you. Blessings.
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
23 Feb 13
I do react the same way to R. I clam up. :D
• United States
23 Feb 13
Maybe it's a little of both. I think we all change as we grow and mature.
2 people like this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
23 Feb 13
The counseling really did help me recognize what some of those feelings were, and now I can usually figure out why I have them, instead of just reacting on them. Now I can usually think first, and then decide how to react.
@kprofgames (3018)
• United States
28 Feb 13
I think sometimes being in a healthy relationship can change our outlook on things. I know had the therapy after my marriage fell apart (15 year nightmare)has helped tremendously. I'm calmer now and more receptive. It really is putting your perspectives back in order. Seeing things a different way through a healthy mind set. So it is a change but I look at it as more growing. Filling out your own skin with someone that you like now. Happy to hear your caregiver is back. Respite is a wonderful thing. I'm been trying to find it in my area but there just aren't that many registered caregivers here.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 Feb 13
Do you have a child that qualifies? If so, your regional center should be able to help with that.
• United States
28 Feb 13
Yes my youngest two qualify and the regional office is coming up empty. I'm considering moving because there isn't a lot in this area for them for additional activities. It would be nicer to be in a larger city/town where they could have peers.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 Feb 13
Most of the services here are on the other side of town. The social skills class that Cary goes to is about a half hour away.
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
23 Feb 13
You have learned some very valuable life lessons. Maturity brings wisdom too if we change or are willing to change. when my mother was iperhaps 90 she said that the way to live wqas to be flexible and not rigid. she said ths as she had criticised me for not being flexible in my thought and she wss right. Maturity is one thing but also being with someone that you feel comfortable with is also very important. So nice when the other person just understands. You are right though as it is important tonthink first and identify cause of irritation. Re my phone call yesterday with lady witch from bank. I still want to slap her hard
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26820)
• United Kingdom
23 Feb 13
Isn't it a shame in a way that wisdom comes at the wrong end of life.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
24 Feb 13
Whjilst driving to pick up the twins - they had gone to their first movie - I rememebred something important that is hard for me to say. My husband had dyalisis twice a week if possible and sometimes only once as we had to pay full cost. I noticed that before having his treatment, he was not only greatly fatigued but made poor decisions and business judgements. I am not saying that Tony is the same way but it is possible and perhaps should be factored in as to when he makes big decisions. After having treatment the person is feeling so much better and alert. Just a thought. Don't get cross at me...........
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 Feb 13
I didn't know your husband had to deal with dialysis. Maybe that does affect Tony's judgment somewhat, or perhaps his will to fight. And, of course, he just lost his father too. Things on his mind...
@artemeis (4017)
• China
24 Feb 13
I am a firm believer of counseling and I am glad that you had not ignored it when you needed it. A lot of people either does not believe in them or finds them too much of a hassle when in fact it is the opposite where most of the time they opened peoples' perspective in the right and positive directions. I hope that more counseling skeptics would read or come to know you because I have seen too many of them falling badly. I am happy that you are dealing your issues with such finesse and urge that you continue to do so. Keep it up and before you know it fine things in life will come in naturally for you.
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
25 Feb 13
And then there's my ex. His idea of counseling was, you go there, tell them what your problem is, and they tell you what you need to do. In one session.
@artemeis (4017)
• China
26 Feb 13
Can't help recalling the title of your other discussion - Stxxx Men? But, he's not the first to have such a view.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
26 Feb 13
I might not have been that kind if I had been talking about him...
@bellis716 (4806)
• United States
25 Feb 13
Sounds as if you've grown in maturity. The test when you encounter a simliar situation with someone you don't care that much for.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
25 Feb 13
Maybe when I call the insurance lady later I can test it. :-D
@bellis716 (4806)
• United States
26 Feb 13
I wish you good luck with her.
• United States
24 Feb 13
Happiness can do that! Tony isn't the ex. it was just one of those nights when things are a little off. I'm glad you told him at the beginning of the night. so the night was ok instead of horrible. I think the answer to your question is both. You have changed and you are with a good man. The ex would push your buttons or try to make it seem like it was your fault. so of course you would get into b!tch mode, who wouldn't? But tony is cool. He doesn't push your buttons.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
25 Feb 13
No, he doesn't. (light bulb) Hooray for Tony!
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Feb 13
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31006)
• United States
24 Feb 13
I'm guessing that it is a little bit of both. We do change as we get older I think. I know that I have learned to not be quite so hyper=sensitive over things and to communicate better which was something I sucked at when I was younger. I had some councelling too and I think almost anyone could benefit from it if you have the right counceller. Life is just so so so....well..you know. There is such a stigma with getting this kind of help. One of my daughters has an anger issue and for years she refused any kind of help for fear of what others would think. She is 26 now and finally at least looking into help...it's a start. I think also that after you have been through enough stuff that some things just don't seem worth making a big deal about. They are so small in comparison.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
25 Feb 13
When I really look at it, it's my fault anyway for not just calling him and saying "hey, I want to come out there", so why blow up in his face for it? Like they say, words hurt, and they can't be taken back.
@sid556 (31006)
• United States
1 Mar 13
And that is so true. Still, I do think that age and life experience has a lot to do with how we react to these things. Maybe that's why so many "young" marriages don't work out. I think as we get older, we just don't take things as much to heart. I'm much more understanding to the other person's side of things now than I was when I was younger. I think my judgement in other people's intent is more fine-tuned as I get older. I am better at knowing when someone is just being inconsiderate and when there is a legit excuse to what appears to be inconsiderate. I'm more open to hearing the other side.
@celticeagle (117235)
• Boise, Idaho
24 Feb 13
Could very well be alitte bit of both. I think that when we are young we tend to be sort of selfish and as we grow older we get over that. And, of course, counseling doesn't hurt. Understanding ourselves and such helps alot. Early in life we don't know ourselves all that well and as the years go by things aren't so intense and confusing to us and we can be more solid and calm. You know what i mean? For me it sure seems to be that way.
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 Feb 13
I definitely didn't understand what that feeling was before or how to deal with it...
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (117235)
• Boise, Idaho
25 Feb 13
I understand. I think it takes some time to really get to know who we are and what we expect from the world. Spiritually I have read that humans aren't really read for that until they are about twenty five. I think it takes some of longer than that.
@mariaperalta (19096)
• Mexico
23 Feb 13
We all change with age as well. Hope you are having a great sat. there...
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 Feb 13
I'm having a pretty good Sunday. :D
• Mexico
24 Feb 13
thats good to hear, a day off here for me. Finally. Take care.. :)
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
23 Feb 13
As they say, you're never too old to learn something new and it's true. It's all in how we learn what we learn and what we do with it. I, too, had to learn a little bit about patience and tolerance. And about forgiving and apologizing when I know I'm in the wrong however, forgiving is still a little hard for me because I've been hurt so deg gone many times in my life and am bitter. I need to change that one letter in bItter and make it bEtter instead but it's really hard. However, the apologizing part, it was hard at first but then I realized that it takes a bigger person to admit their wrong doings so now I feel much better about myself when I apologize but I refuse to apologize when I don't feel I'm in the wrong but I will for the bad feelings it may have caused. Even in my younger years I thought a girl had to fight for her man. I don't feel that way anymore because it's such a horrible feeling to be insecure! And that's just what it is, insecurity! UGH! Now I feel like this, if the man is going to cheat, he's going to cheat no matter what I do or don't do and if and when I catch him, his behind will be grass in my rear view mirror! I'll go home, whereever home may be and cry my hurt heart out but deg gone it, I don't want to be with a man who doesn't want to be with me. It took me a LONG LONG time to get that thought in my head! Now that it's there, I won't go back to the way I was!! Oh hell no!! So in saying all that, we all learn a few things in our lives. It's what we do with that bit of knowledge that makes the difference.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
23 Feb 13
Forgiving is easy, but forgetting is impossible. I find it hard to admit I"m wrong also, but I'm better at it. It's easier to do when the person isn't all in my face and nasty about it.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
24 Feb 13
That's what I meant to say! I can forgive but I cannot forget. I can get a little tongue tied too. Because we're HUMAN! Anyways, I'll admit when I'm wrong and apologize but if the person still wants to get in my face, I'd get right up in theirs too and ask them "WTF do you expect of me? To bow down at your feet? Well you can hang that out to dry because it will NOT happen! I've apologized which means I've acknowledged my wrong and I'm sorry but that's the end of it.... take it or leave it!"
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (48158)
• United States
23 Feb 13
That's great. Personal growth always is!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
23 Feb 13
Meanwhile, the ex is sitting there predicting the relationship will fail. (evil grin)
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Feb 13
Oh lord, Dawn. What a comfort. That's great support.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
6 Mar 13
I tend to think that as we get a little bit older, we do grow as people and that does mean that there are times that we are better equipped to deal with the things that would have once really driven us nuts. Of course the fact that you are with Tony now instead of your ex-husband really could have something that has a lot of influence on the kind of attitude that you tend to have now.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
6 Mar 13
The counseling didn't hurt either.
@WakeUpKitty (8707)
• Netherlands
26 Feb 13
We all change through the years by the experiences we make but also because the older we get the less important it is to fight for our rights, things we did find important to fight for once.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
26 Feb 13
I would say it becomes more important...
@bounce58 (17524)
• Canada
26 Feb 13
Maybe that was just what it takes? Or what it took! That you be with the right person so that you're ability to not-bite-off people's head could come out. Unfortunately, you may have been with the wrong person for so many years, that this ability somehow got lost in the shuffle. [i]It's a new dawn... It's a new day... And I'm(you're) feeling good![/i]
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
26 Feb 13
(laughing at song) True.