I've Been To Jail. I'm Having NightMares

@MoonGypsy (4613)
United States
March 9, 2013 8:07pm CST
this is something that i don't talk about or mention to alot of people. the only people in my family who know are my mother in law and my husband. once, we were so poor. we were living in a hotel and barely making the rent there from week to week. i was only working part time. we barely had food. one morning, i was on my was to go get some help from a local help center. it was raining. i do remember that. i remember getting a referral to get some help. then black out. the next thing i remember is me sitting in a jail cell. this may not make any sense to you, but there is an explanation. i suffer from dissociative identity disorder, ptsd, and now agoraphobia. i may have blank out and a particular alter ego took over for me. apparently, she led me hook up with these group of people to go back to an abandon building to hang out. the police saw everybody go in waited a while and raided. marijuanna and alcohol were found at the scene. i didn't find out all of this until court the next day. we were charge with tress passing in a group. luckily they did not charge for the weed. i don't know why. i can't tell you how scared i was to come back and find myself in jail. i had been living with dissociative identity disorder for so long that i knew what happen. i just didn't figure out who it was in place of me until i went to court the next day. it was her, jenna. one of my alter egos. she is so not like me. she is the life of the party and always looking for a party. she gets along with people a little bit too much for her own good and she is down for what ever. she is tempered by myself and other two alters that i have. i have been suffering with this disorder for years now and it can get quite embarrassing, but not to this extent! i was screaming and crying. i was so scared that i was away from my kids, my family, home. i was trapped against my will and there was nothing i could do. at firs the put me in cell all by myself for hours before anyone came else came in. then at night, they transfer some of us to county. in the state i live in at the time, tresspassing was a county violation. from there it was just police, sherifs, guards all around. they put us in waiting room when we got to county jail. i couldn't believe they were getting ready to try to put me in a cell. in that situation, you don't know whether you want to be alone or with other people. when i got to sleeping situation it wasn't a cell at first. other women were there, but there were also cells. if i could cry any more. i found out that they were going to have me locked up in one of the cells by myself. i freaked! i didn't want to go upstairs to that cell. i freaked so bad some other inmates came to warn me that if i didn't stop, the guard would send me to the hole. so, i had no choice but to go get locked up in that cell all by myself. luckily, she didn't close the cell door all the way. i cried myself to sleep as quietly as i could so no one would here me. i had to stay there in that jail for 4 days, because i had no bail. i couldn't tell you much about the four days other than what i am remembering here. i probably had black out periods there. i do remember them making talk to a psychiatrist and taking meds. i do remember now that i think about it a girl being on the floor having a seizure and the guards dragging her on the floor yelling at her to get up. then, i remember getting out of jail because of time served, but i don't remember how i got home. i just remember being in bed with my whole family that night. i get flashes. i get dreams. i have nightmares. i can't stop them. i don't want to tell my therapist, because i am embarrassed. i don't want to mention it to my mother in law or husband, because we don't discuss it. they know how embarrassing it is for me and that i wouldn't want to talk about it. this happened three years ago, but because of it i now suffer from agoraphobia as well. i can't go out by myself because i don't know where i will end up. it's just safe to stay at home, around my family, people i trust. this is so embarrassing, but i just have to get it out someone. i can't stop thinking about these dreams. i wish it never happened. i feel like a bad person....a criminal. this will forever be on my record, even though just a misdomeanor.
3 people like this
12 responses
@cvodrey (227)
• United States
10 Mar 13
Well, first of all, don't be embarrassed. We all have issues in our lives, and yours seems to be a little serious -but it's not something you can control. You should, and I repeat, you should tell your therapist. That's what they are there for. Don't let that embarrass you because trust me, they've heard it all, and worse than what you are telling us here. It's a misdemeanor. You didn't harm anyone; you only blemished your record. Many have done worse while making conscious choices. This is not a good quality of life for you to have to block yourself off from the world. I understand it is painful and scary. That makes perfect sense. But in order for you to make your way to the end of this journey and have a happy and blissful life is to talk with your therapist and make peace with these other personalities, to understand them, and more importantly, where they came from. Most dissociative disorders are the result of an early trauma. When an event is to painful for the conscious mind to grasp or accept, a personality splits in order for the core personality to be protected. This is something that happens, and you are NOT alone. There are many people who suffer this. You should find a group for people like yourself. You need support. You are NOT a bad person. You deserve to live a happy life. And please, don't be embarrassed. ((hugs))
2 people like this
@yoyo1198 (3643)
• United States
10 Mar 13
This is the most knowledgeable and insightful post I have ever seen about this problem. A lot of truth therein. Cvodrey, are you a therapist yourself?
1 person likes this
@Hatley (164450)
• Garden Grove, California
10 Mar 13
oh my moongypsy thats so sad and I guess the police never thought to check with your family to find out about your mental health problems as I cannot see how they could imprison you had they known your mental health problems.I hope you can find some way to bury this or talk to your therapist if its not embarrassing you too much. You do have my sympathy for sure.I hope you can find some peace with your family and those you trust.You are not a bad person so tell yourself that over and over if necessary moongypsy not at all.
@MoonGypsy (4613)
• United States
10 Mar 13
thank you for you kinds words. it feels good knowing that i can come here and talk about it. i don't feel so alone with it now.
1 person likes this
@nitinnair89 (2895)
• India
10 Mar 13
Oh my! It was terrible. How are you feeling now? Maybe you can understand your alter egos and know what they want..those personalities are created by you only in your unconscious mind. So if you tend to their needs, maybe they will go out of your mind forever.
1 person likes this
@MoonGypsy (4613)
• United States
10 Mar 13
i understand my alters a bit more better now than ever. i have great therapist and doctors. i am not fully integrated yet. this is the deepest work i have ever done since i have this disease. i couldn't see it possible for me to be integrated, but now i am hopeful that one day i will be. for now, life is much better than it has been because i have stopped working and started getting help.
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Mar 13
I feel terrible for you and feel like crying as well. I cna't tell you how I can understand your issue here. it is just life andthere is not much you can doabout it. I feel bed as well because I rely on adrain so much becase I don't know anyone who would deal with my mental health like he does. I am up sometimes and down the next and taking medication is the only thing that gives me some help. I can't bother telling you not to be shamebecuase that you can't help. I am the same way and only some close people know the suffering i go through. i hope you can talk to you dotor about this. I can talk to mine about everything good or bad. I love my doctor very much.
1 person likes this
@MoonGypsy (4613)
• United States
10 Mar 13
i may think about revealing this to my therapist. i just don't want her thinking that this disease can go so far that i can't take care of my kids, because that's not true. it has NEVER and WILL NEVER get that bad. i will do ANYTHING before i let it.
1 person likes this
@bryanwmc (1052)
• Malaysia
10 Mar 13
Multiple personalities,disassociative identity is order..it seems a bit unfair, although all share a common physical body but the spilt personalities can be as different as the sun and the moon.Like this instance, Jenna probably did the crime but moonlady is the one doing the time.Do you know how many split IDs you possess? One truly hopes that none of them have a very violent streak that can cause grievous trouble to the others, it will be like innocents get punished for what they did not do.can be traumatic to the main ID, namely you moonlady..are you getting professional help and counsel for the disorder? Or are you living with it for the time being? Sounds scary to me this condition because of the fact that there is no control over the own physical and psychological body and mind.Each separate identity manufesting in reaction to certain situations, but never sure who will it be. The main dominant personality has to take charge and gradually learn to phase out all the others within.
1 person likes this
@yoyo1198 (3643)
• United States
10 Mar 13
There should be nothing that you keep from your therapist. Especially something this serious. It will be part of the healing/integration process. Next session, please do this.
1 person likes this
@mariaperalta (19094)
• Mexico
10 Mar 13
wow very sad. So sorry to hear you went through that, and those hard times.
@MoonGypsy (4613)
• United States
10 Mar 13
thank you so much for your sympathy. those were really hard times. i was away from my family for 4 days. imagine having to be there for like 4 years. i would die.
1 person likes this
• Mexico
10 Mar 13
oh man, id go nuts locked up away from my son for 4 hours. Take care there.
• Mexico
10 Mar 13
oh no, never been close to a jail. And I dont want to me. Especailly in Mexico..
@AidaLily (1450)
• United States
10 Mar 13
Dissociative Identity Disorder is terrible. I don't even need to tell or ask you to think about how terrible it is to wake up and realize you almost for some inexplicable reason did something to someone you care about. How terrible it is for a therapist to tell you that you can't feel strong emotions because if you do then you wont be yourself. Threatening said therapist and not ever remembering it and then getting branded with other mental illness labels. Having one personality that has to be the most reprehensible person to you for what they enjoy and you are more conservative than to enjoy. And then... never remembering your life or where you are... the nightmares... the silent wishing you can just keep your mind together... It is also strange that they diagnosed you with PTSD as well. Not strange in a bad way just... familiar. Even worse, when people don't believe that you truly can't remember what you did and you didn't mean to do anything wrong. It's the worse feeling in the world. You aren't a bad person for it though so please don't believe that. I wouldn't want to talk to a therapist either to be honest.
@AidaLily (1450)
• United States
10 Mar 13
And just for clarification... I described it like that because that it how it feels when one finds out all this stuff happened and they did and said things but it makes no sense because they would never personally say or do these things at least in their mind. There is no control if someone else takes over.
@lacieice (2065)
• United States
10 Mar 13
You really do need to share all this with your therapist. How can he/she help you if you don't tell about your feelings and situations? The therapist will not judge you...they are there to help. Please. Come clean with your therapist and get the help you need.
@maximax8 (29032)
• United Kingdom
10 Mar 13
Hello Moon Gypsy. It was so terrible that the police didn't look into your mental illness. You got in a bad situation and none of it was your fault. They should not have sent you to jail. It upsets me that you had a miserable time in the jail. It is very sad that you are having worrying dreams. You are not really a criminal in my mind. You are not at all a bad person. My wish is for you to have a happier time now you are out of jail. Your family and friends on My Lot are the ones you trust. Therapists have heard many different problems you know. My Lot is an excellent place for you to discuss your feelings. I hope some My Lot users make you feel brighter and you have less nightmares. Good luck.
• United States
10 Mar 13
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Although I have never been in jail, I have done my share of bad things that will stay with me for the rest of my life. I have since made a complete turn around but like you, I suffer from nightmares also. Sometimes I am afraid to go to sleep because they can get really bad. Unfortunately, we cannot change the past. If we could, trust me I would have found a way already. All you can do is move forward and try to make the best life possible for yourself. I wish you a lot of luck.
@suzzy3 (8357)
10 Mar 13
Having read your story I don't think jail is the place for you.Tell your therapist everything you are suffering,it is an illness you have not an embarrasment.Remember you have done nothing wrong.Make sure one of your family take you out for a few hours a week then you will have the confidence to go on your own after a while of course.Good luck to you ,you have had a real bad time and cannot immagine how awful it has been for you.There is a lot of love out there and beleave it or not you are not the only one.Mental illness is better understood these days have faith and try to get on with life.You must tell your therapist as she will give you coping choices to help you deal with this.Good luck to you.