I've Been To Jail. I'm Having NightMares

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this is something that i don't talk about or mention to alot of people. the only people in my family who know are my mother in law and my husband. once, we were so poor. we were living in a hotel and barely making the rent there from week to week. i was only working part time. we barely had food. one morning, i was on my was to go get some help from a local help center. it was raining. i do remember that. i remember getting a referral to get some help. then black out. the next thing i remember is me sitting in a jail cell. this may not make any sense to you, but there is an explanation. i suffer from dissociative identity disorder, ptsd, and now agoraphobia. i may have blank out and a particular alter ego took over for me. apparently, she led me hook up with these group of people to go back to an abandon building to hang out. the police saw everybody go in waited a while and raided. marijuanna and alcohol were found at the scene. i didn't find out all of this until court the next day. we were charge with tress passing in a group. luckily they did not charge for the weed. i don't know why. i can't tell you how scared i was to come back and find myself in jail. i had been living with dissociative identity disorder for so long that i knew what happen. i just didn't figure out who it was in place of me until i went to court the next day. it was her, jenna. one of my alter egos. she is so not like me. she is the life of the party and always looking for a party. she gets along with people a little bit too much for her own good and she is down for what ever. she is tempered by myself and other two alters that i have. i have been suffering with this disorder for years now and it can get quite embarrassing, but not to this extent! i was screaming and crying. i was so scared that i was away from my kids, my family, home. i was trapped against my will and there was nothing i could do. at firs the put me in cell all by myself for hours before anyone came else came in. then at night, they transfer some of us to county. in the state i live in at the time, tresspassing was a county violation. from there it was just police, sherifs, guards all around. they put us in waiting room when we got to county jail. i couldn't believe they were getting ready to try to put me in a cell. in that situation, you don't know whether you want to be alone or with other people. when i got to sleeping situation it wasn't a cell at first. other women were there, but there were also cells. if i could cry any more. i found out that they were going to have me locked up in one of the cells by myself. i freaked! i didn't want to go upstairs to that cell. i freaked so bad some other inmates came to warn me that if i didn't stop, the guard would send me to the hole. so, i had no choice but to go get locked up in that cell all by myself. luckily, she didn't close the cell door all the way. i cried myself to sleep as quietly as i could so no one would here me. i had to stay there in that jail for 4 days, because i had no bail. i couldn't tell you much about the four days other than what i am remembering here. i probably had black out periods there. i do remember them making talk to a psychiatrist and taking meds. i do remember now that i think about it a girl being on the floor having a seizure and the guards dragging her on the floor yelling at her to get up. then, i remember getting out of jail because of time served, but i don't remember how i got home. i just remember being in bed with my whole family that night. i get flashes. i get dreams. i have nightmares. i can't stop them. i don't want to tell my therapist, because i am embarrassed. i don't want to mention it to my mother in law or husband, because we don't discuss it. they know how embarrassing it is for me and that i wouldn't want to talk about it. this happened three years ago, but because of it i now suffer from agoraphobia as well. i can't go out by myself because i don't know where i will end up. it's just safe to stay at home, around my family, people i trust. this is so embarrassing, but i just have to get it out someone. i can't stop thinking about these dreams. i wish it never happened. i feel like a bad person....a criminal. this will forever be on my record, even though just a misdomeanor.