Daughter and daughter in law

@roshigo58 (4871)
Pune, India
March 11, 2013 7:47am CST
Some women behave differently with their daughter in law. When their daughter in law goes to meet her parents frequently they become angry and make complain about them. But if their daughter comes to visit them then they become happy and welcome her very warmly. I can't understand this unfair behavior of mother in laws with their daughter in laws. Do you have any experience?
3 people like this
23 responses
@salonga (27965)
• Philippines
12 Mar 13
It all depends on the person. I've seen mothers who have sweet relationship with their DIL. But indeed there sour relationships on the other hand. In most cases, one of the reasons is the fact that the mother is jealous with the attention given by the son to his wife. The mother who was once the object of attention of the son has been relegated to the second place because the attention has shifted to the wife already. Also sometimes the MIL wants to compare herself to the DIL so that when the DIL fall short of her expectation, she treats her with disdain. I once was not in very close relationship with my MIL because she misjudged me all the once. However when she came to know the real me, she changed her attitude and treated me with much respect. I think good relationship must be established between MIL and DIL because in the first place they should not be rivals or enemies. They are supposed to love each other. So in my case, once I become an MIL, I would treat my DIL as my own.
@roshigo58 (4871)
• Pune, India
12 Mar 13
Hi, You ahve very nicely explained the relation between MIL and DIL.My mother and wife also have some differences but after some years they love each other and try to understand each others feelings. Thank you for the response.
• Philippines
13 Mar 13
That is what my mom would usually say whenever I told her about those issues I had with my mother in law. She said my grandmother, my father's mom, don't like her either when she and my father were in the early stage of their marriage. But later on, things have changed and my grandma eventually liked her. I do not know if that will going to happen to me and my mother in law in the future but it can be a good motivation to stay aside those differences and wait until this good day comes.
@else22 (4319)
• India
12 Mar 13
Ideally a married girl should give priority to her in laws over her parents and girls in India do that,but this doesn't mean that a girl's relations with her parents are completely snapped after her marriage.They are her parents,they have given birth to her.It is but natural for a girl to be attached to her mother and father.I know mothers even in my hometown who discriminate between their married daughter who is now the daughter in law of someone else and their own daughter in laws who are the daughters of someone else.Such mothers don't realize that they are violating the law of nature,the law of God.They do grave injustice to a daughter.They should do well to allow their daughter in laws to visit her her parents from time to time.This gesture would generate respect for them in the heart of their daughter in law. Fortunately I have never witnessed any such injustice meted out with the daughter in laws in my family.
@roshigo58 (4871)
• Pune, India
12 Mar 13
Hi, It is nice that there is no injustice for daughter in law in your family. Yours is a happy family. But this injustice is made in many families and there is no solution to it. It depends upon the understanding between MIL and DIL. thank you for the response.
• Philippines
13 Mar 13
Even though my mother in law and I have issues, I was never really prohibited to visit my parents. I still have the freedom to do what I like.
@else22 (4319)
• India
13 Mar 13
My mom is no more,but as long as she was alive,she never had any discrimination between her daughters and her daughters-in-law.
@doroffee (4233)
• Hungary
11 Mar 13
My dad's mom did kind of the same with my mom. And I know I'm gonna be the best friends with my fiancé's mom, either. I think it's because almost any mother sees a rival in a new woman in a family. They usually favorit their sons, too... but even if not, they just want to show everyone that they are the better woman - the better cook, the better style (or the more feminine or more modest dressing style, whatever flotas their boat), the better at raising kids, the better at everything.... because they feel as if they are going to lose their sons. Sometimes even that counts that deep in their hearts they want their sons (as they usually earn more than the women) to stay at home, have no life, and spend all their salaries on their parents... I find this disgusting, too, but, maybe, it's just the way of life.
@roshigo58 (4871)
• Pune, India
11 Mar 13
Hi, i think mother in law feels insecure. She feels that They may feel that after marriage her son's love may be divided between son's wife and mother. So she wants to prove better than her daughter in law. But it is very disgusting to do so. thank you for the response.
• Philippines
12 Mar 13
What you said is true. Most of them think that way. I guess they are jealous and afraid that they will eventually lose their sons. But actually, before the wedding happened, they should expect that their son will now be having his own family. It is definitely obvious that things will not be the same as it was before. Their son's time will be more focus on his new family. Some mother in law would even tend to compete. Like you said, they will see to it that they are the better person, and that you are nothing compare to them. Many times, they create fire in the house that could lead the married couple to fight. And if the son would take the side of his wife, the mother in law would use tears to get his attention.
@roshigo58 (4871)
• Pune, India
12 Mar 13
Hi, you are right. Some mother in laws try to create fire in the house. They forget that their son is also suffering by doing this. He has to listen both his wife and his mother. It is very difficult situation for him. He can not take any one party's side. thank you for the response.
@prashu228 (22652)
• India
11 Mar 13
Hi roshigo yes but it also depends on the DIL. Most of the DIL's also don't look after their MIL's well. The love and affection should be from both sides. I know a family the aunt(MIL) is very good they belong to some lower caste and her son married to a girl of some higher caste. The girl acts as if she looks after her MIL very well in front of her husband. But when he is away she look after her well. She keeps a separate plate for for MIL and look as untouchable.
@roshigo58 (4871)
• Pune, India
11 Mar 13
Hi, It is very ridiculous. Such type of untouchability is very bad thing for humanity. Caste system in our country is prevailed in many areas of our country. As you said love and affection should be from both the sides.
@prashu228 (22652)
• India
11 Mar 13
yes i agree. But the point here is if DIL is not having any problem with the son and married him then why such a feeling towards his mother? The son came from mother she should remember that.
@roshigo58 (4871)
• Pune, India
12 Mar 13
Hi, you are right. Mother has raised her son with love. If DIL loves the son of lower caste then what is the problem of MIL. It is very strange.
@celticeagle (114511)
• Boise, Idaho
12 Mar 13
I think that sometimes mothers feel that no woman is good enough for their son. Have you seen the movie 'Monster-in-law'? It is pretty cute with J-Lo and Jane Fonda. Can't remember who the guy was.
@roshigo58 (4871)
• Pune, India
13 Mar 13
Hi, I haven't seen this movie. I would like to see this movie. Thank you for the response.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (114511)
• Boise, Idaho
13 Mar 13
It is a pretty fun movie. Hope you get to see it. Do you get Netflix? It is probably on there.
@Austee (132)
12 Mar 13
I have lots of experiences about this. Maybe this is the reason why I could not accept her as my mother, too. Me and my husband lived with my mother first when we got married. My mom treated my husband the way a mom should do. Everytime he got sick. My mom take care of him the way she treats me. But when we live in their place, I could not see it in my mother-in-law. Even for my son. I could not see it. Why? I ask often. Then it came to a point that I think of my situation. I do not have money when we moved in their place. Is that the reason why it change? I do not want to think about it that way. But in our last discussion, I realize it. She said she will take care of my son if I have work. I said no because I know how messy they are. At one time her other grandson just throw away scissor and it is close to my sons head. I do not want that to happen. You know what she said. There is no problem because we have money to get a nanny to take care of our son if I work. Her daughter has work and she is taking care of her grandson. As for me, I do not have money but jobs are just waiting for me and yet she could not take care of my child until she sees me I am working.
@roshigo58 (4871)
• Pune, India
12 Mar 13
Hi, your mother in law seems selfish. She is behaving differently with you and with her daughter. I also can't understand why this is so? The your child is also her son's child. Why can't she like this? All the grandchildren should be treated equally. Thank you for the response.
• Philippines
13 Mar 13
Hi Austee, I was also asking the same question. My family treats my husband very well. Whenever he is with my family, they would always see to it that there's a special food to eat. They are always there to attend to his needs as if he is a VIP. I have told my mom about the issues I had with my mother in law but she never took that against my husband. They continued to be extra nice to him. I really do not know what is with my husband's mother.
@olliekobra1 (1826)
11 Mar 13
my mother and my brothers wife dont get on and hardly speak its horrible because it always puts my brother in a awkard postition because it makes him pick sides. They also have kids and if my mother wont be aloud to see her grandchildren which is sad. I think that life is to short to have these little arguments
@roshigo58 (4871)
• Pune, India
12 Mar 13
Hi, It is very sad that your mother is not allowed to talk with grandchildren. Your brother must be in awkward position because he has to maintain relations with both of them. Thank you for the response.
12 Mar 13
it is sad and what my mother and sister in law dont realise is that the real victims are the grandchildren. I agree that life is far to short to have these little petty arguments there is to much hatred in the world without having it in your own household.
@marguicha (81873)
• Chile
11 Mar 13
I had a very nice mother in law. But I must add: considering... We cannot expect that a person we didn`t know before will start to love us just because we married her son. She might even think that we somehow "took away from her" her dear son. And in fact, it is partly true. If a marriage will work, both spouses will partially change their ways from what they were before to accomodate to the other. That means becoming a little stranged from parents. If DIL and sons behave nicely to the mother, probably the friction will be a lot less.
@prashu228 (22652)
• India
11 Mar 13
Hi I agree mother feel insecure about her son. But cannot avoid this . But as you said if son and DIL take care of her then she will/can come out of all her insecurities.
@roshigo58 (4871)
• Pune, India
12 Mar 13
Hi, It is obvious that mother feels insecure. Every mother does not behave badly with her daughter in law. She behaves nicely with her DIL. DIL and her son should give respect to mother. Father also needs respect and love from the children.
@blackrusty (3532)
• Mexico
11 Mar 13
well my mother in law hated me but loved the fact that I had taken care of her daughter and grand daughter but when it was her son all hugs and kisses and all that and the boy is and or was bum hope that helps
@roshigo58 (4871)
• Pune, India
11 Mar 13
Hi, You are a nice person.Even if your mother in law is not behaving with you badly and hated you, you take care of her daughter. because she is your wife and you love your wife. Thank you for the response.
• Mexico
11 Mar 13
you are welcome and that is ex wife of 20 years now
@dorannmwin (36696)
• United States
13 Mar 13
My mother-in-law never had a daughter of her own so this has never been something that I've been able to experience. However, I do find that it does tend to be the case that mother's-in-law and daughter's-in-law don't always have the best relationship with each other. I think that the reason that this is the case is because of the fact that a mother-in-law always feels to a certain extent that their daughter-in-law has taken their little boy away from them.
@roshigo58 (4871)
• Pune, India
13 Mar 13
Hi, The behavior of mother in law is like this because they feel insecure because they have the fear of their son may go away from them. Thank you for the response.
@yanzalong (8871)
• Indonesia
12 Mar 13
I guess it's normal and it happens every where. A mother in law loves her daughter in law visiting her and feels unhappy when her daughter in law visit her mother.
@roshigo58 (4871)
• Pune, India
12 Mar 13
Hi, You are right. The relation of mother in law and daughter in law is not healthy almost in all houses. Thank you for the response.
@kokomo (1868)
• Philippines
12 Mar 13
Yeah, I can relate to that because in our house before it did exist. It involved my mother and my father's mother, my grandmother. Before, my grandma did not like my mother for my father for the reason that my mother got pregnant so very early at her age same with father who was just 20 years old that time. So expected, my grandma was very rude to my mother and she did not treat her well. My mother's life was a mess before.
@roshigo58 (4871)
• Pune, India
12 Mar 13
hi, It is very sad that your grandma was very rude with your mother. It is not fair. thank you for the response.
@missjahn (4578)
• Philippines
12 Mar 13
it is a matter of misunderstanding may seems. and the story like it does not happening to the daughter in law who have a different feelings for his mother only. it also happened vice versa. i guess, each of them shows respect and better understand each other. one must humble theirselves, by this, harmony is present between them. yes, i saw and heard plenty of cases that mother or daughter in law is like this that is why they do not like each other. so better of them to have a sincere talk ;)
@roshigo58 (4871)
• Pune, India
12 Mar 13
Hi, You are right. It is the matter of misunderstanding. In this relation always there is a misunderstanding and so both are not easily accept each other. As you said there should be sincere talk between them so that they can understand the feelings of each other. Thank you for the response.
@srisahara (4099)
• Indonesia
12 Mar 13
Hi, Yes, it is unfair behavior of mother in laws for their daughter in law. But, I can understand what they want. Most of parents especially mothers want get much attention from their children no matter their son, daughter, son in law and daughter in law. But we cannot force them to change their behavior, it is natural...Maybe we have to more understand about this.
@roshigo58 (4871)
• Pune, India
12 Mar 13
Hi, It is natural but they should try to understand DIL as she is new in their house and she needs warm welcome to their house. Some DIL are also not good. They don't want MIL in their house. But all are not like that. MIL should take some time to judge their DIL. Thank you for the response.
• China
12 Mar 13
Haha yes and this can happen to every family,and actually it is a very normal phenomenon in our society,and that is why the relationship between mother and wife is so complicated.
@roshigo58 (4871)
• Pune, India
12 Mar 13
Hi, Yes, Every husband thinks that the relation between wife and mother is so complected. He can't understand what to do. Because for him both the relations are equally important both should be given respect. Thank you for the response.
@gkutti (111)
12 Mar 13
i do not have any personal experience but i have seen many people do it to my sisters and friends. the reason is simple, daughter is someone from your family and a daughter in law is from the other family. mother in laws tend to think they are some kind of parasite and they are the host. the day when daughter in laws are also taken into consideration as coming into the family and not just the house, these will stop. what do you think?
@roshigo58 (4871)
• Pune, India
12 Mar 13
Hi, You are right. The daughter is from her family and daughter in law comes from other family. So it takes time to accept daughter in law. But mother in law should give some time to adjust daughter in law as this house is new for her. Both should understand each others feelings. Thank you for the response.
@Iriene88 (5352)
• Malaysia
12 Mar 13
Human by nature are selfish. That's why a great advise always mentioned, "Put yourself on that person shoes and look from his perspective, then you will understand better". I too not happy with people like you said, having double standard on the same issue. I just hope all the mother-in -laws in the world will understand this. Then, there will be peace in family, right?
@roshigo58 (4871)
• Pune, India
12 Mar 13
Hi, All the mother in laws should remember that they were also in the past somebody's daughter in law. If they thought something wrongly treated by their mother in laws then they should try not to repeat the mistake their mother in laws had with them. Both should have healthy relations with each other. Thank you for the response.
@cttolledo (2322)
• Batangas, Philippines
12 Mar 13
No.. I haven't experience and I haven't seen situation like that..maybe your mother in law has much deeper reason why she is acting like that.. you should find it out.. or maybe the daughter in law and mother in law just need more time for bonding to became closer to each other...
@roshigo58 (4871)
• Pune, India
12 Mar 13
Hi, this is not the case with my wife and my mother. There are some differences of opinions but they have good relations with each other. I am talking about general cases. mostly the relation of mother in law and daughter in law is not good. It is very nice that you don't have any bad experience with your mother in law.
@Paper_Doll (2376)
• Philippines
12 Mar 13
Yes, there really are many cases of that sort. I actually have experienced the same. I came to a family where both parents have never really shouted at us. We have not experienced that kind of treatment before. We are also thought to be independent and to be responsible to everything we do. In short, before I married her son, I know how to cook, I know how to do household chores and I also have a stable career. So whenever my mom in law is with us, dictating me how to do something, or how it should be done, I felt embarrased and annoyed. But I did not talk. I also noticed that she care less for me as she never consider how much I am paying for our monthly bills when my husband temporarily lose his early last year. During those times, I expect my husband to help with all the finances. I asked him to drive me to the office so I can save half for the fare. But my mom in law talked to me that she is going to send his son to school to continue his studies. The way I understand it, she was avoiding my husband to drive for me when in fact, the money we save because of that could help us a lot in our finances. So from then on, I no longer ask my husband to drive for me but that means, I am spending almost 1/4 of my salary to pay for my fare going to work. And what I really hate the most, I noticed that she is only nice to me when she needs favor or money from me. She in fact borrowed money from me, more than a year now but never really care to pay for it. Money that is good enough so we can start a new business at home. And the latest incident, I got irritated when my husband did not care to wake up on time after we planned of processing some documents. We woke up at 5:30 in the morning, I told him to go to her mom and get the papers that he will need and take a bath while I am preparing breakfast. But what he did was after telling his mom about the papers, he went to the sofa and sleep again. I have finished cooking when I noticed him so I got mad because he knew that I will still have to drop by at the office and I am already late. After taking a bath, he went to his mom and asked for the papers again. I was left at home packing our breakfast because we really do not have time to eat them. But I was shocked when my mother in law came, handling the papers, angrily shouted at me asking me why on earth I am always rushing his son. She also said many things that truly hurted me. For the longest time, I stayed calm and silent but that moment I was not able to do it. I told him, it has been two hours since I told him to get those papers. I have finished cooking and have taken a bath and he is still sleeping in the sofa. Is that what she calls rushing? I was really shaking. I wanted to say many things but instead I took my things and walked out of the door. After the incident, I don't want to see her again because I fear that I might lose my temper again. But another thing that makes me sad is that, they make other people believe that I am the bad guy. One time they did not know I was there and I heard everything they say about me.
@roshigo58 (4871)
• Pune, India
12 Mar 13
Hi, I feel very sad after reading your experience with your mother in law. Some words hurt our heart very deeply and we can not forget them. Thank you for the response.
@jenny1015 (13394)
• Philippines
12 Mar 13
I am not sure if my mother in law had issues with my frequent visits to my parents' home when I was just newly married. And if she was annoyed by that, I really don't care. Years ago, when my husband and I would be fighting, he would often tell me to go back to my parents since I like going to my parents' home. And he even told me that I should have married them instead! Such a jerk, right? So what I would tell him, maybe he ought to see himself coz even if he was that old, he still lives behind the shadows of his parents!
@roshigo58 (4871)
• Pune, India
12 Mar 13
Hi, it is very sad that your husband still doesn't support you. If he has been taken your side then no one can blame you for going to your parents. Thank you for the response.