I was almost a mother...

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I was offered to adopt a baby boy last November. When I got that offer, I felt a jolt in my heart that I never felt before. I was offered before but I never felt anything like that. Unfortunately, the opportunity was ill-timed. I was having money problems and I knew I couldn't afford a baby just then. About less than two months later, I met the baby in question. He got adopted by someone I know. When I held this baby in my arms I knew I made the biggest mistake of my life. I've held other babies before but I never felt like this. What he did was he rested his head on my shoulder about to sleep and I felt he felt safe with me. In that moment I actually felt like I belonged with someone. It felt like I wasn't alone anymore. Unfortunately, it was only for that one moment. I specifically asked this person who adopted him to never show this baby to me ever again. I have been crying for months now. I have known for a long time that I could never be a good wife but I've always known, even at a young age, that I would be a wonderful mother. If only he had arrived a month later or a month earlier, maybe my life would be different now. Now I am asking for advice on how to get over this baby. I don't think a new baby would do the trick. This child was different. There could be no one else. If another baby were to come along, I want to be more than fair to this other baby, not to try to compare her or him to this first one. I always knew I was missing something in my life but before last November I didn't know what. Now I do and I just feel wretched. I don't know what to do. I always thought that a true mother knows. If I had been that mother, I would've taken him regardless of the cost, wouldn't I?