I was almost a mother...

Philippines
March 15, 2013 3:51am CST
I was offered to adopt a baby boy last November. When I got that offer, I felt a jolt in my heart that I never felt before. I was offered before but I never felt anything like that. Unfortunately, the opportunity was ill-timed. I was having money problems and I knew I couldn't afford a baby just then. About less than two months later, I met the baby in question. He got adopted by someone I know. When I held this baby in my arms I knew I made the biggest mistake of my life. I've held other babies before but I never felt like this. What he did was he rested his head on my shoulder about to sleep and I felt he felt safe with me. In that moment I actually felt like I belonged with someone. It felt like I wasn't alone anymore. Unfortunately, it was only for that one moment. I specifically asked this person who adopted him to never show this baby to me ever again. I have been crying for months now. I have known for a long time that I could never be a good wife but I've always known, even at a young age, that I would be a wonderful mother. If only he had arrived a month later or a month earlier, maybe my life would be different now. Now I am asking for advice on how to get over this baby. I don't think a new baby would do the trick. This child was different. There could be no one else. If another baby were to come along, I want to be more than fair to this other baby, not to try to compare her or him to this first one. I always knew I was missing something in my life but before last November I didn't know what. Now I do and I just feel wretched. I don't know what to do. I always thought that a true mother knows. If I had been that mother, I would've taken him regardless of the cost, wouldn't I?
4 responses
• Philippines
15 Mar 13
There is always a right time for everything. The right baby came at the wrong time. Maybe it would help to think of the opposite feeling you might be having now if you have accepted the little one even when you were not ready. It was meant to be that he landed in someone's arms who were more prepared at that time. The boy is in good hands that is something to be happy about. In every experience, we learn something from it but let us not sulk into regrets. Time will heal you, and it would also bring you someone when you are ready to open your heart and arms again.:)
@pahak627 (4198)
• Philippines
15 Mar 13
That must have been difficult for you. Don't worry you can get over it specially that you don't see the baby anymore. You have to move on. The baby was not for you. There may come a time when you will just laugh it out when you remember it.
• Canada
15 Mar 13
OH leiah This is so heart breaking to me I really feel your pain. I wish I had an answer for you dear, I am not sure if you read the Bible or not perhaps if you ask God to help you he may have an answer. Sometimes I have found if things are weighing too heavy on my heart I shift it to God (he has big shoulders) and will help carry this pain for you I hope this helps some. May God be with you dear.
• India
15 Mar 13
Well, sometimes it happenes some body goes to our heart and without knowing how, we start loving and feeling that we know that one and feel that is ours. I hope that you will be able to have that baby with you and be a really good and caring mother for that baby. God bless you.