'All We Want Is For Our Kids To Be Happy'

@Janey1966 (24127)
Carlisle, England
March 24, 2013 3:00pm CST
This is what Mum said to me on the telephone earlier. Mum suffers from 'Black Dog' as she calls it. Sundays, especially, are a bind for her and she hates them. Apart from my brother Danny and his son Tom going round for their dinner, not a lot goes on. Anyway, Mum was determined to get more out of Danny today as he doesn't say much. Even though he only lives round the corner he's not one for inviting anyone round, least of all Mum. I think he's a bit ashamed of the place as he always has his hair cut at Mum's rather than the hairdresser coming to his. Mum made the mistake of mentioning 'decorating' and 'you can get things done now that Trisha [mother of Tom] has left.' Apparently, Danny went 'ape' at her, saying he can hardly pay for food never mind sort the house out. When he drank constantly the mortgage suffered and he's now having to pay much more per month in order to compensate for the debt. He is also paying 'an arm and a leg' for Virgin Media. I told Mum that he should be with Sky as that will save him money, for a start. His partner left him a massive water rates bill that she chose not to pay. That landed on his doormat the other day. To make matters worse Trish has been sending Tom £100 a fortnight, which is why he's not that bothered about finding a job. It wouldn't be so bad if he'd passed at least half of that money on to his Dad to help him out..but he's spending it on nights out, just like his mother would if she had that money. Because Danny hasn't bought a pair of trainers 'for 3 years' Mum has told me to order him some online from JD Sports. She is kindness personified. She can't do anything with his house as she doesn't have the money herself but buying him trainers makes her feel a bit better inside. I feel so sorry for Danny as he's been in that house a long, long time with nothing to show for it but a mountain of debt, accrued when his partner lived with him and during his many years of alcohol abuse. He's working harder now than he's ever done just to keep the roof over his head. It would be great if he could sell the place but he'd make less than what he paid for it. He doesn't really want to move back into Mum's house so what's the alternative? I wish I could think of something but I'm struggling at the moment.
4 people like this
11 responses
@sulsisels (1685)
• United States
24 Mar 13
Hi Janey Maybe he could rent the house out and move into a small, inexpensive flat? A friend of mine recently did that and the outcome has been nothing but positive.
2 people like this
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
24 Mar 13
Hello. Yes, that's something I did mention to Mum over the phone. Even though his present house is a semi-detached there are no gardens as such, so a flat would be idea from that point of view as there's no garden to miss, so to speak. Unfortunately, when he bought the house he paid more for it than he wanted to so if he did sell it, he would lose money. However, if he can find a smaller flat then I can't see that being as much money to buy or rent than what he's forking out at the moment. Danny does tend to bottle things up which doesn't help him so to even admit he has a problem financially is actually a major step. It's up to him now to sort himself out. It doesn't help that he's paying way too much for things like Virgin Media. I'd have that taken out and go on to Sky instead if it was me.
1 person likes this
@sulsisels (1685)
• United States
25 Mar 13
Getting rid of things like Virgin Media is just one of many things he can do to cut expenses. I just takes some sitting down making a list of all the things he pays for and start purging. I've had to do it before and found that writing it all down, having it stare you right in the face, somehow makes it easier to see what can stay and what needs to go. Maybe you could help him as two minds are always better than one...even if its your mind...Ha Ha,,you know I'm kidding Sister Sledge. Hope things sort out for him.
@sulsisels (1685)
• United States
25 Mar 13
Paying bills - Nothing more stressful than bills!
Saw this and thought of you.
@BarBaraPrz (17242)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
24 Mar 13
And how old is Tom? He's an adult, right? He should be made to put some of that money towards room and board. He'd be paying more than that if he had to live on his own.
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
24 Mar 13
Tom is now 23. The board thing is a major problem. He was never asked for money even when he worked which, to me, is a mistake. Paying board helps you to appreciate money and to make the money you have left last. That's what happened with me. I couldn't live at Mum's and not give her any money, it's not right. It doesn't help that his Mum keeps bailing him out as well. She doesn't even live in Blackpool anymore. She lives with her fancy man in Consett, many miles away. Why she feels the need to give Tom money like this I do not know.
2 people like this
@Hatley (157527)
• Garden Grove, California
24 Mar 13
hi I went out on my own when I was twenty and it was the biggest thrill of my life that I could make the rent for my room every month and as I ate at the hospital where I worked I did not have to worry about food either and on my days o ff often ate out at cafes as back then costs were low or often I went home to spend the weekend at my parents house on the farm,There my mom always overfed me lol.But being independent was such a great feeling and I loved my job as nurses aide too,.Tom needs to get that great feeling,and know he can depend on himself now while hes young As long as his mom bails him out he will not be able to try to get a job and stand on his own two feet.Gosh to be washed up at 23 thats just plain silly as he has a long life ahead of hi and he needs t grow up and work for himself and fend for himself too.
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
25 Mar 13
He did work for a time last year (seasonal at the local amusement park) but as soon as the winter came and he was laid off that's been it..party time! I don't blame him for that as he's still only 23 and likes going out with his friends but if he didn't have the money (he also gets paid JobSeeker's Allowance) he wouldn't be able to do it would he? I blame his Mum for sending money. She's not even in his life now so why bother? I saw two jobs he'd be good at actually in the Coral Island Amusement Arcade..the first was as a Bingo Caller and the second another caller for the Grand National Race lol. He'd be brilliant at either of those jobs as he's not a shy person by any means. There would be long hours though and I think it's something he really doesn't like, not if it's interfering with his social life.
1 person likes this
@louievill (16199)
• Philippines
24 Mar 13
hi Janey, think every person has the right to fight to the end to whatever predicament they got themselves into and your brother is fighting to the end by at least changing he's ways so give him the chance, the end is not the end not unless it's really the end, just decide when the real end comes and he has to move back to your mum's place, but till then anything can still happen , for bad or for worse so it's really up to him what comes out of him, wish him luck from me.
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
24 Mar 13
The End. LOL.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Mar 13
Hi Janey. I know you and your mother are caring people. Your brother made some bad choices in his life, yes? He's trying to do better now. I think he needs to work things out for himself. Maybe working two jobs until he can keep his head above water. I don't think hurting yourselves financially is going to help him. He was 'bleeding' money for a long time, so it's going to take time to stop the bleeding.
1 person likes this
@inertia4 (26878)
• United States
31 Mar 13
It is always hard when the partner leaves. I know this from my experience of the evil ex doing that to me. Only she did not leave me with debt, she took all the money and furniture. So I had to work and make the money to replace what she took. But she went a step further with not only taking everything from the start but demanded more and more each month for her and the kids. I wound up bankrupt and it is not a pretty picture. Luckily I am living in the apartment in my parents house. Even though I am in their house, I have my own apartment. So it is far better then living amongst them. I feel for your brother and his situation. He is probably right about selling not making a difference. I hope he does find a solution to this. And I know that parents can only do so much.
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
31 Mar 13
I'm sorry about what happened to you. I cannot understand why some people are so evil when it comes to money, possessions and the like, not realising how it can impact on those left behind. You're better off without someone like that and it's encouraging that you can live in an apartment separate from your parents. This is why I couldn't go back to living full-time with mine (unless I was very, very desperate) as my Dad, in particular, would drive me nuts. I know he's getting older but I can't have a conversation with him anymore as he can't hear me anyway!
1 person likes this
@inertia4 (26878)
• United States
6 Apr 13
I know all about the parents getting older. Mine are in their 80's and it does become trying at times. I am glad I am in my own apartment. I don't have to deal with the day to day bull that goes on. But I am there for them when they need me. After all, they have done a lot for me so the least I can do is be there for them when they need someone.
• China
25 Mar 13
I deeply feel for your brother.His wife went so far as to walk out on him and made him be up to his neck in debt.I think the reason why he hit the roof when your Mum mentioned decorating was that it touched him on a tender spot.I don't know what did you mean by saying Tom didn't want to find a job,because I have known he works for a amusement park.
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
28 Mar 13
Trish wasn't his wife, fortunately. Never got that for but she did live with him for longer than perhaps she should've done. As for Tom, his job at the amusement park was for around 10 months, which ties in with the holiday season at Blackpool, and includes the Illuminations at the end of it. Tom knew this when he was taken on and was told that he would be contacted this year if they wanted him back. He has heard nothing (and has told Mum that he has rang them up once) and Mum has told him to do so again. I guess he's playing a waiting game. I'd be surprised if they don't take him on but nothing is guaranteed anymore, especially in the dark times we live in. I suppose going out enjoying himself takes his mind off these things.
• China
28 Mar 13
Tom is just on the wrong side of 18,so he is too fond of play.However these days it's becoming increasingly difficult to find employment,he had better keep ringing them up.They tend to get too big for their boots.
@francesca5 (1344)
25 Mar 13
If it were me I would be inclined to think about persuading him to move to a new home, maybe a nice flat. Though there are problems with this, as flats these days can have ridiculous service charges. But a fresh start in a different home can be quite good sometimes. The question would be, if he sold it, though he would sell it for less than he paid for it, he would also be able to buy something at a lower price than before too. So it depends on whether he would be able to pay off the mortgage and move, if there was negative equity it would be impossible, but if not, it might be possible.
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
28 Mar 13
There are some flats nearby actually but, unfortunately, I think they're housing association properties now. They used to have private tenants and were well looked after but not anymore. Such a shame.
28 Mar 13
It might be worth looking at the new home buying scheme that was in the budget, as that applies to moving to another property as well as first time buyers. I don't know if your brother would qualify, or when it is going to be available, and I don't even approve of it, because the last thing we need is another housing bubble, it won't do much for the economy. But, on the other hand, it may be helpful.
@wolfie34 (26881)
• United Kingdom
25 Mar 13
Doesn't matter how old your kids are, mothers will never stop caring and worrying about them, look at me, I am 41 and my mum still worries when I worry. Fortunately when I split up with my ex, the place was rented, I had to forgo my deposit, my ex was hopeless with my money, even though my ex worked and had a good job and I didn't it was me who coughed up the 650 pound deposit which I never got back, but it wasn't the money I was grateful to escape the ex. If Danny doesn't have the finances then surely he should get state help? Not prying but there are benefits he could be entitled to. I guess his male pride got in the way and hopefully he will understand that his mum was only trying to help not interfering. She sure has a heart of gold your mum and has to put up with a lot, from all sides it seems!
@wolfie34 (26881)
• United Kingdom
25 Mar 13
Fortunately I had the foresight to make sure all the bills were in my ex's name! I pleaded poverty, I didn't work and my ex never had any doubts that I was anything but. I had money, savings, but they never knew, otherwise I would have lost the lot.
@jenny1015 (13394)
• Philippines
25 Mar 13
We are three siblings. Among the three of us, I, eldest is the one who has the simplest life. It is kinda ironic coz, bragging aside, my inlaws are well off. But they are not the kind of people who would just shower their kids with everything that they might need or want. They just let their kids live the way that they want, if anybody asks for help, my FIL will help. But if it is regarding money, well, he would ask for about 10%. Both my siblings are now married. And I feel a bit ashamed that my mom still needs to buy me things or my kids things without me asking for them. Really, I am grateful to have a mother like her. My husband, on the other hand, doesn't put much effort in trying to earn for the family coz he thinks that his parents would always be there to "save" us. I am really not that happy about it coz I wouldn't want to hear my in laws talk bad against me. So, I guess, small things like those trainers from your Mum to Danny, yeah it counts a lot for her.
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
25 Mar 13
I'm a bit like that with my in-laws although they have stopped giving money to John. They were like a bank at one time but John had to pay them back anyway (especially if was a bill of some kind) so, really, he's better off not relying on his parents as it causes more aggro, not less. It's nice them not knowing our business, for a change. Asking parents for money would be embarrassing for me as I like to be as independent as possible. I am unemployed but I hate the stigma attached to it..you know, we're all scroungers who don't want to work. I can't even claim benefits anyway so that argument doesn't wash for a start. There are 20,000+ in the same boat as me.
@ElicBxn (60044)
• United States
25 Mar 13
Life's tough when people make their own problems. The roomie's brother has nothing to show for his life because of his drinking and messing around. Her mom doesn't see that she's alienated her other son and doing it to the roomie because she defends this brother over anyone else. Honestly, a week or so living in his truck might help him figure out what he's doing... Or not - he's a moron.
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
25 Mar 13
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Mar 13
I think that it would be cheaper for him not to have his son there, since Tom isn't contributing to household income but is certainly using his share in utilities and eating the food that his father is buying.