I really feel selfish tonight.

United States
March 27, 2013 10:54pm CST
After feeling good all day about helping my new friend I am now feeling selfish. Adrain gets up at 3 in the morning to go to work and he works hard for real. he works on a garbage truck. well,he was here tonight and I needed him to come pick me up to drive with all my stuff. so he came and picked me up. I gave him stuff to take to his house and he went home. i was feeling down a little because he was not here yet and I am cleaning up my kitchen. so,he just called and asked if I miss him and I said yes,I miss you and he then said did you want me to come back tonight. so,I could hear he is dead tired and I said,you can stay home tonight if you can just sleep with your phone by your ear incase I need you. but,I also told him I would go in the room and take my pill to calm my nerves. but,I said I would need you to be here tomorrow early. because that would be too many hours with me alone. so,he said,sharon I am on my way. I said,no you can stay home and he said no I will be there in ten minutes. so,I feel really selfish because the man is tired. but,he knows I will leave the house in the middle of the night in a panic. I hate being like this. because it is not fair to him. he has been here since aug when I moved here. if kay would come back he could go home some times. what can I do?
3 people like this
8 responses
• United States
28 Mar 13
I really feel that your disability serves a purpose to have control in your life. I don't think it's intentional but there is a payoff for having this fear of being alone. It's irrational. It's something you might try to figure out. This fear causes you to avoid time with yourself and it keeps your man at arm's length so you can have him on a short leash, so to speak. I have an irrational fear also. I cannot drive in areas I'm not familiar with. I have not been able to figure out why I avoid this. Like what is the worst thing that could happen to me? I know it does not make sense. The only thing I can say is that it gives me control over something. There has to be a payoff but I have not figured out what it is.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Mar 13
I don't want adrain to be stuck here when he could be home in his bed. I know he misses his apartment where he can smoke all he wants without going outside. I need to get this take care of I don;t know how.
• United States
28 Mar 13
You can do it. Try not to be afraid of the anxiety. The anxiety is what drives your avoidance to being by yourself. Allow yourself to feel your panic but breathe through it till it is gone. Judge your panic level from 1 to 10 (1 being no panic and 10 for the worst you ever felt ). Judge your panic level every 10 minutes and take note of it deminishing. Your panic is just your 'fight or flight' mechanism misfiring. Your autonomic nervous system misfires and tells you to panic. Know it for what it is and there is less reason to be afraid.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Mar 13
I don't really understand all this but I can tell you this. If I get to 10 I will not know what I am doing or where I am going. I will leave this house just to relieve the pressure in the back of my head. See that is the problem I get so out of it that I black out and find myself out of the house and I will land in the hospital. but,monday if he leaves I will sure tell him I can stay alone to see for myself again. but,every time I tried it failed.
@TLilly12 (1230)
• United States
28 Mar 13
It hard to answer that, you mean in the middle of the night, you will get up and go out, if some one is not there, to keep you from leaving, wow that hard to understand,if you are going through thing, like this, and you have told your doctor,why won't the doctors do something for you.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Mar 13
They try to help me and they do a great job. my nerves are bad and I can't help how it makes me feel.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Mar 13
I think it would be good one night to face your fear. I have an irrational fear too. I panic when I drive outside of my comfort zone. One time I made myself drive to Stockbridge GA which is WAY out of my comfort zone. I did feel panic but I breathed through it and was proud of myself with that one accomplishment. It's not really good to try to avoid panic cecause it reinforces the fears. It causes you to need Adrian to avoid panic. Panic will only escalate so far. It can't actually hurt you. It's just a feeling but your reaction to it can ruin relationships and cause you to hurt yourself. It's sad really because I understand how self limiting panic can cause you to be. It is for me also because I am somewhat agoraphobic. I can psyc myself up to venture out. I'm just glad that my fear doesn't extend to influence other people.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Mar 13
You are not being selfish because you told him he could stay home if he wanted to, but he chose to come and be with you. He probably wants to be with you because he loves you and misses you a lot. I remember one time when one of my ex-roommate claimed that I threatened her when I was really at work and sent her boyfriend over at 11PM to harass me. As I was walking out he said in a threatening voice, "I told you to sit down and I had said, "I am not a dog and I know you treat your girlfriend like trash, but that is not the way to speak to me". I walked out and went to Randy's work at which took me 20 minutes to get there. I was scared walking alone at night, but I was more afraid to stay at my apartment. I waited for Randy and he took me to his place so I could stay the night. On the way home Randy and I went to the police station and filed a complaint. Adrian is taking care of you because he loves you.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Mar 13
I know and he gave me the sweetest hug this morning and I felt his love.
@jenny1015 (13389)
• Philippines
28 Mar 13
Just let him stay for the night. He seemed to really have missed you. he could be as sweet as a boy!
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Mar 13
He can be sweet for sure like the times when he just walks to me and gives me a hug so sweet.
@alpha9180 (301)
• Malaysia
28 Mar 13
Perhaps he is really worry for you that he cannot leave you alone. Anyway, he could still take a rest if he is here with you. If there is anything happens to you, at least he is beside you to offer instant help than for you to wait for him to come over and it may take some time.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Mar 13
That is the good part about it I feel safe when he is here.
@Dominique25 (9475)
• United States
28 Mar 13
It is very sweet that Adrain continues to be there for you through it all. The relationship that the two of you have, has been up and down these past few weeks and I'm glad that he is still there for you. That is a great thing. Hope he is able to get some rest.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Mar 13
I know he leaves when he gets pissed at times. but,he will calm down and come right back. I just wish I could make it one night without leaving my house.
@lelin1123 (15644)
• Puerto Rico
28 Mar 13
I don't think you are being selfish at all. You told him to stay home and keep the phone by his ear. He could have said ok, call me if you need me. He didn't he decided he was going to come and stay with you tonight. So that is not being selfish on your part at all. If you had to plead with him or demand him to come to be with you then you would be selfish knowing how tired he is from working all day.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Mar 13
Ok,I feel a lot better now because I know how tired he was. thanks so much.
@celticeagle (119115)
• Boise, Idaho
29 Mar 13
You can't change who you are or your situation. And on the same token he can't change how he feels about wanting to be there for you. So you guys are just set in life and that is the way it is.