I don't know what to do anymore...

United States
April 19, 2013 1:17pm CST
Some of you may know my boyfriend is in the army, is in Korea, and is supposed to come back in May to visit. Ever since he left I've been looking forward to him coming back for my 21st birthday and that's what has been making my time go by so fast. Well today on facebook I noticed his sister had posted a status how her brother probably won't make it back for her birthday (hers is a few days after mine) because he might go to airborne school. When I read that my heart instantly dropped because I knew it was my bf she was talking about. I immediately tried calling him and when I asked about airborne school he said that it wasn't a for sure thing and he might not get picked. I asked if he would go if he did get picked and he said yes. That would mean that instead of coming back to visit he'd be going to Georgia for airborne school and he wouldn't come back home until his time in Korea is over which would be the beginning of October. He also got to talking how he doesn't think he'll take his leave in May anyways because then he wouldn't be able to take leave when he gets back from Korea and he'll have less time at Christmas. This means I won't have seen him for a whole year and I'll have another birthday alone. So of course I was crying my eyes out during this conversation and he got on the subject of how he feels bad that I'm always so upset and crying and he doesn't want to see me like that. He also felt bad because he's always angry and often takes it out on me and he said there's lots of other people that wouldn't do that to me and that would actually be there to spend time with me unlike him. He said he didn't want to lose me and that he really does love me, he just feels guilty all the time because in Korea he doesn't have a lot of time for me and we never even see each other. I really do love him with all my heart but it really is hard to always be so far apart, it feels like I don't even have a boyfriend. I would love to stay with him but right now I'm always unhappy and he can never be there for me. I know he wants to be with me but it seems like the army is doing everything possible to tear us apart. Lately I have found myself questioning our relationship and whether or not I should stay with him and I'm constantly going back and forth. Things are so hard lately and we're not the same as we always have been. I don't really know what to do, I don't want to rush into a decision that I'll regret. For now, I think I'll try to keep my distance and not talk to him and see what happens. I just can't take the hurt and the pain any longer...
4 people like this
12 responses
@dagami (1163)
• Rome, Italy
19 Apr 13
i don't understand why he didn't tell you himself about that georgia plan. if you didn't go online on facebook or you didn't see her sister's status, you wouldn't have known about it. in my opinion, what he said about not wanting to hurt you and feeling guilty that he doesn't have time seems like he was baiting you to ask for a break up. i hope i'm wrong but some men do take this line when they want out but don't want to make the first move. i agree with you when you said you will keep your distance. this is the best way you can do. if i'm wrong and he's really worried about the hurt this conversation with him caused you, then he'll be making several calls soon. don't worry about the hurt and pain. in time, all of these will fade away.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Apr 13
That's what really ticks me off is that I discovered he most likely won't be coming home through Facebook. I'm a bit hurt he mentioned it to her first instead of coming to me with that info. What you said sums up exactly how I feel. Once he started playing the guilt card about he doesn't want to see me sad, he can't be there, etc. As he was saying all of this I kept asking him what he wanted to do and what he was trying to say. He kept answering that he did want to be with me and that he loves me, he just doesn't want me to be sad in the relationship because of him. To me, it did feel like he wanted to break up by the way he was talking how Korea is a busy duty station and that people told him before but he didn't believe them. I didn't get to talk to him as long as I would've liked because it was midnight where he is and he was sleeping when I woke him up. He said that when he got up in the morning he would call and skype like we planned. But right now, I'm not so sure I'd like to talk to him and I almost think it would be better if I didn't talk to him. If he calls, he calls. But I'm done always texting back right away and worrying about having him call. I'll see how he reacts and if he really wants to keep our relationship I'm sure he'll be calling and texting a lot.
1 person likes this
• Jacksonville, Florida
19 Apr 13
I am so sorry, I know you were so excited about him coming to visit you in May! I am also sorry that things are so hard on you with him being so far away. It is a really difficult way to live being a military girlfriend or spouse. It's hard being so far apart. And your right, the military owns him. The minute he signed up for it, they started owning him. No matter who likes it or not, he is stuck with it until he decides not to re-enlist. From the sound of things, he wants to be in the military for a long time. I really hope you make the right decision, it sounds like he wants you to find someone else to make you happy that can be there for you. I hope things get easier for you.
• United States
19 Apr 13
I'm devastated right now and I doubt he'll be visiting for my birthday. Even if he didn't get picked to do airborne school he said that his request for leave would probably get denied because I guess a lot of people also requested off. The army truly does own him and there's nothing either of us can do. At least now I think he only wants to stay in for the 3 years and be done. He used to debate about whether or not to stay longer but I think he's finally starting to see how our relationship is being affected. I'm kind of taken back with his comments on me being better off without him and stuff like that because it made me feel like he wants to end things because it's too much to have a girlfriend right now. I don't know what to think right now but I know that I'm not going to be calling or texting as much. If he calls, he calls. Right now I'd almost just rather not talk to him for a while.
@dagami (1163)
• Rome, Italy
19 Apr 13
coutknee, regarding his request for leave, i don't think it will be granted because of the situation in korea now. they even sent additional forces there during these past few days so they won't allow your BF to go on vacation.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Apr 13
Yes, his request for leave was denied because too many people from his section were going to be on leave during that time
@verolop29 (1096)
• United States
27 Apr 13
I have said this once before and I will say it again. I look forward to hearing update about how ur doing and and things are between u and ur bf! Love has its challenges sweetheart. Life gives us bumps and curveballs but we always come out stronger than before! Ur boyfriend wants a strong woman. He's telling u without so many words. My sister in law my husbands baby sister married an army guy and he recently retired and at his retirement party she talked about how he lhad to leave the day their son had to be hospitalized for an ependix removal. She said she was always depressed because when they talked on the phone she would always hear how he had fun being with the guys...while she had to deal with dr visits and sick boy at odd hours of the night....I don't want to scare u but being an army wife is not gonna be like walking on the beach at sunrise. Those type of woman have to be tough. Not only for their man but for others around them. But hey. What do I know??? I know how u feel kourtknee. U love this man with ur soul. I know u do. If he's the one GOD picked for u, then everything will fall into place.
• United States
30 Apr 13
It definitely has been stressful and tough on our relationship. Now things are at their worst and it's taking a toll on both of us. It does kind of suck to hear him talk about something fun he did when I'm here lonely and busy with work and school. usually though he doesn't ever get to do anything because he is super busy with work stuff during the week and sometimes on the weekends. I do have to say that he's very good about talking to me a while on skype whenever he's free on the weekends. It's hard right now but I'm trying to keep my head up and hope for the best.
1 person likes this
@verolop29 (1096)
• United States
2 May 13
@courtknee525 I know it's strainfull right now for both of u and I knew this was going to happen. I think that if i were in your shoes, i would find someway to NOT think of him and worry about me. and think of him like for 20 min a day. Babygirl, guys are different compared to us! that being said do something fun for yourself! I know if i were ur bf i would want to hear about your day (not every day!) but every few days. I would also want u to not be stuck at home. i think that would be a little hard for me to concentrate on work related things. u understand?! real men these day love sexy confident woman not crybabies or weak woman...those are the kind of men i grew up around so i know! I bet once u start doing ur own things like do something new or something learn about things u wouldn't normally learn about. and then leave him a message telling him about what u learned. i bet he would be amazed
@jbrooks0127 (2329)
• United States
26 Apr 13
If I were you I would follow through on your plan to back off for now and see where it goes. When he finally get's it that you have backed off you will know where you stand with him by his actions. If you do not hear from him then you know he does not want to continue your relationship as much as you do. It is possible that because he is tied to the army and there is nothing he can do about changing that he may indeed want some distance from you. If so it would be very easy to find that out but simply not contacting him unless you hear from him. Be prepared however for the worst because, sadly, you may not hear back from him but at least you will know where you stand.
• United States
30 Apr 13
I've pretty much left him alone but he still texts me everyday when he wakes up and skypes me. He basically treats me the same as he did before. I think right now he's trying to deal with so much stress from the army and our relationship. He can't really do anything about the army so I think he takes out stress on our relationship sometimes. I'm trying to keep my distance for now and I know he's going to come around, I can already tell by the way he's acting. We miss each other but i don't think it'll keep us apart
@bounce58 (17527)
• Canada
22 Apr 13
This is a test. A test on you, and your relationship. You just got to stay strong. I know it's hard, but I think the ultimate goal is still the same. To have a better life for you both, together. When he does leave the army. If this 'keeping your distance' is just you sending him a message, that you don't like his decision, or that you don't like being away from him for much longer, or that you don't like that you don't get to see him on your birthday, then I hope that he gets it. And that your relationship passes this test!
• United States
30 Apr 13
Thank you. He still talks to me everyday and he treats me the same he did when I was his girlfriend. He keeps saying he's so stressed out right now with work and that us fighting stresses him even more. He does want to be with me and he still wants to get married later on but I think it's just a really hard time right now. I know he'll come around soon, probably in a few days. As annoying as it is,I guess i just have to be a little patient and let him realize that despite the distance he still wants to be with me.
@911Ricki (13602)
• Canada
21 Apr 13
Is he your first boyfriend? Im assuming he is about your age? He picked to go to the army, it obviously shows that is what he wants to do. He didn't decided yesterday he wanted to do it for the money, pack his life up and go to another country, and go here or there for training. My personal view is you do something you want to do with a career, don't let a relationship stand in teh way. It will just bring the relationship and your life down. If you are truely meant to be together then it will work it's wway out. It would be hard to be apart, but thats the true test. My sister and her boyfriend was just going through this. He went to either Korea or China for work business for several weeks, he came home for a week then left to go to the States. He would call every night and text, not the same but it does actually test the relationship and the person. Since then he has been back but my sister spends more time at home, I think she actually realizes she caan enjoy life and have her own life without him. So we will see how it goes as she was asking me about it. Whereas with him, she dnever had a life, and her own thing. Now if you are really that unhappy, anger, and sad about it, maybe that is telling you something. Why stay in something that isn't making you happy, but then again what anyone else says wont matter, until you realize it I've been there, and once I was out of the relationship I was so much happier.
• United States
22 Apr 13
We're the same age and have been together 3 years. He's my first boyfriend but I'm not his first girlfriend. The 6 months he's been gone I thought I was doing well but once I found out he wasn't coming back on leave like he said, I couldn't help but feel disappointed and upset. He's also really upset because he feels guilty about how he's not here for me and can't be the boyfriend he wants to be. I don't think he realized how tough things would be on our relationship because of the army and now I know he regrets ever joining. I think I'll have to give things a few days and see how I feel. In the moment I was upset but I didn't want to make any decisions that I could end up regretting. He's my best friend and he's always the one I want to tell everything to and I just couldn't picture myself without having him. I think I just need to take a step back and just let things work out
@cutepenguin (6458)
• Canada
20 Apr 13
I think I'd actually be more concerned about the comment "he's always angry and takes it out on me". Long distance relationships are hard but are you sure you'd be that great of a couple if he was around? Angry people aren't very pleasant. It's too bad that he won't be back for your birthday. That must be hard. I've never been in a long distance relationship, so I'm impressed at your ability to overcome this challenge. It's a good idea for you to assess now whether it's worth it for you to continue going to this effort.
• United States
20 Apr 13
I think right now, being in Korea really stresses him out and sometimes he'll have an attitude with me because of something that happened to him at work. For the most part he keeps work and me separate and he can vent to me about whatever bothered him at work without getting upset at me. When we're together things are great. We do get into our little arguments over silly things but we immediately go back to being ourselves. He's not angry when he's with me and he turns into the biggest sweetheart. I think that lately, the stress of Korea has really been getting to him. This will be the second birthday he's missed. He left for the army last year two weeks before my birthday. The first week he left we was able to call at night and text before beginning basic training. Of course, the day before my birthday I get the last call from him for months. My birthday I couldn't even talk to him so at least this year he can talk and skype. It's been 6 months since we last saw each other and I think it's starting to really get to the both of us. I was able to talk to him early this morning about some things and I feel slightly better but a lot of stuff happened that I'm pretty upset about. I know him all too well and I think that right now he needs some time and after a few days he'll come around and realize his decision was sort of stupid
• United States
20 Apr 13
Oh CourtKnee, I feel so bad for you. Relationships don't always survive separations like that. He is making choices to advance his career, and unfortunately, his choices don't include you right now. If he doesn't get picked he still may not come, because he would rather have longer at Christmas. I think only you can decide what you want to do. I think he is giving you an out for this relationship. That is how it looks to me as an outsider. You trust that he is faithful to you. I'm almost wondering if this is too stressful on him and he is maybe seeing someone there now. He is angry and taking things out on you now...this has me wondering. I noticed the same behavior with my ex-husband. He was angry a lot and he wasn't even gone. He wanted me to break up with him, but it didn't happen until he was finally truthful with me and told me he had feelings for someone else. I hope he isn't going to break your heart. Does he still Skype with you frequently? Does he pay you as much attention as before on the computer as before? I hope everything is okay. Please sleep on this for awhile and see if he draws closer or farther away. This separation may be harder on him than it is you. Being a guy, he might want to be one of the boys on his off time. I really do hope he is not going to hurt you after all this time.
• United States
20 Apr 13
My mind jumped to the same thoughts. I ended up calling him early this morning because I hadn't heard from him when he said he was going to wake up. When I called it turned out that he was just really upset and had done a lot of thinking since our last conversation. He basically hates himself for leaving into the army because of what it's done to me and how he can't be the boyfriend that he wants to be for me. He said it's no one else and he didn't want to be with anyone else but me. For the past few weeks he's been super busy just about every day, even on the weekends. So he's had less time to talk to me and skype since we usually do skype on the weekends when he has more time. But he said that he wants to take a "break" these last months he's in Korea just because he's always busy and stressed and thinking about me here alone makes it harder for him. I tried to tell him I knew how hard it would be when he left and apparently he never realized it would be this hard. During this time off period he said that he wasn't going to go out doing crazy things and being with girls. He told me he still loves me and will still say I love you, text everyday and try to call. I don't really like this because if he's still calling and saying I love you, then it's basically like we're together. He also said that when he's out of Korea he does want to get engaged and it will probably be one of the first things he does. He still wants to be my best friend and talk to me because he does love me. I hate the idea because I don't like being in between, I like when things are clear cut, we're either together as a couple or not. I think he just needs some time and I know him and i know that after a few days he's not going to really like his decision. But in the moments he was talking about breaking up when I mentioned I'd want to be together or not, I realized that I still do want to be with him and almost losing him really made me realize. I'm just hoping he comes around and decides we're better off together even though we do fight. I really don't think he's seeing someone or talking to anyone, he barely has time to give me a call because he's always so tired and he's been cheated on before and I trust him to be loyal. That thought is still in the back of my mind and I did ask what the "terms" of this whole ordeal would be and he said that he wouldn't be seeing anyone. I'm really upset at what he's doing right now and I can only hope that things don't change and he ends up changing his mind after a few days :(
@MandaLee (3695)
• United States
20 Apr 13
I am really sorry. I know you were really looking forward to May. You are in my prayers. Please feel free to send me a private message if you need to talk.
• United States
20 Apr 13
Thank you :) A lot has happened in the past day and I'm just really upset about everything. I've been looking forward to May since he left because he had told me he'd be back for my birthday. Now everything I've been looking forward to the past 6 months has been taken away in a matter of a day and I'm sad about how things are now going with us
• United States
19 Apr 13
I always knew this could happen because i lived it when my first love went to the army. we would have been together if he stayed home. He and I met up once after he got out and he could not let me go. the army could never be something I would deal with again. nor would i ever be in a long distance relationship. they are too hard on both people. as much as I love adrain I will wish him the best and leave. You will have time to decide what is best for the both of you. but it is clear he cares about his future in the army. if you can put that before your feelings your good to go. if not you wish him the best and move on with your life.
• United States
19 Apr 13
A long distance relationship is hard enough as it is and the army just makes it a million times harder. I don't think he really wants things between us to end, the army just puts a lot of stress on our relationship. He wants to do airborne and he thinks it will help him in a few years after he's out of the army and trying to get a job. I'm definitely going to have to think about things, I won't rush into any decisions. I knew things would be hard when he was in the army and part of me always knew that something would happen that would make us end the relationship. I guess I just tried to ignore it for so long and now it's all catching up to me.
• United States
20 Apr 13
that's a lot of stress for one person to handle. It's basically like you're single with a love interest, not a relationship. Some people have the capability to be in such a relationship. I give them credit, I couldn't do it if I tried. It seems you're boyfriend wants you to be happy, but he sees unhappiness in you. It's a big decision. Good luck in what you decide.
@blackrusty (3532)
• Mexico
19 Apr 13
Some times we have to do things that are very hard I understand that your a young woman and I am sure he is doing this to have a better life with you in the end I would not give up on him and though the love away that you both share for each other any person who is away from the ones they love and they get that Dear John letter saying it is over does not make it easy for them and if fact get them killed or hurt real bad and I am sure you dont want that to happen so as it is stand by your man