My Daughter

@celticeagle (118231)
Boise, Idaho
September 20, 2015 3:58am CST
My daughter was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck several times. She was full term and until she got into school there were no problems. There was a slight learning disability because of the lack of oxygen when she was born. She was a good kid, very active and hard to keep up with at times. She loved cats from a very young age. I love her so and thought she was beautiful. I thought she had model potential but later she didn't care for the idea. Almost immediately the kindergarten teacher saw signs of what they called hyperactivity. Now it is ADHD. Back in the late seventies and early 80's they didn't know what they do now. So my daughter went through a series of tests and the doctor gave me an option. He said I could either put her on Ritalin or eliminate from her diet all foods with preservatives in them. I chose the latter. At that time I was very apposed to any prescriptions drugs. And she was only six years old. So fast forward to about 12 or 13 and school was beginning to be a problem. She got into some trouble and I was not sure what to do. I took her to a mental facility here and her seen by a well know psychiatrist in town. She was kept for several days and what I came away with was not all positive. There were actually two psychiatrists. One was very nice and seemed like a competent doctor. The other had gotten some new equipment and was all excited about it. He was also one of those kind of men that doesn't look you in the eye when he is talking to but has this interest in a woman's décolletage. The diagnosis was narcissism. It wasn't until about six years later that she was diagnosed correctly. And that wasn't until her children were taken away from her. She was living with a fellow who was not present in the relationship either physically or mentally. They got into a big fight one day and after he stocked out she mistreated the two babies she had by that time and a neighbor saw it and reported it. She and I were estranged at that time. Her lies, stealing, etc. had had its toll on me and she and I were estranged until the kids were taken and I came back into the picture at that time. She began to have supervised visits with the two kids who had been put into foster care. I began taking her to visits. I had bonded with her daughter but not with the son she had. So a few months in someone made a comment one day that stuck with me and I started looking into it. A relative could get guardianship and was advised to start trying to get foster care licensing. Then I found out I could get all the paper work and actually get guardianship myself. So I went to a law shop, got the paper work and did it all myself. My daughter saw a psychiatrist which was a part of the list of things she had to complete before she could get through all of this who correctly diagnosed her with the bi-polar disorder. It took several years to get her on the right medications and she tried many. During this time the social workers at Health and Welfare were giving my daughter her options. The guardian ship was on the table but, I realized immediately that I could not take both the kids. I had bonded with her daughter and not her son. I had never taken care of a boy. I had scarcely been around him at all. I just knew that I could not take care of two kids. So, a subject was brought up that was rather scary but the further we got into and found out more about it it really began to sound like a viable option. Open adoption. At first my daughter was very hateful toward me and expected me to take both of her children. I wished I could have but I did not feel that realistically I could take on two kids and still hold down a full-time job. I was also battling depression and so I really didn't think I could care for both kids. She and I went through what probably was the worst time of our lives during that time. She finally did come around and understood and has now put that behind her. Several couples were introduced and my daughter was able to pick the one she wanted for her son. As it turned the couple who adopted him, if you didn't know, looked so much like him you would have thought they were his bio parents if you didn't know differently. There were a couple of visits between us and it all went well for awhile. Then his counselor began to feel that it would be best that he didn't see us until he was able to understand why his mother(and remember there is a father here too)couldn't keep him. We have never seen him since then and that was about twenty years ago. The way the family worked our communication was such that they first gave us a number of a relative where we could call to set up meetings and see how he was doing. Then that number was changed and we were never able to locate them again. There also became a time when my daughter had dealt with the adoption and was able to cope with it and I think it was better for her not to see him. I was in a position where I let it go that way and knew he was in a good place and I knew my daughter was in a good place and so I let it go. I often wonder and would enjoy seeing him and know how he is but I feel like unless my daughter brings it up I won't broach the subject. I think that it is something only the mother can fully understand and if she is able to move on and be okay with the way things are then who am I to rustle up something. I went before a judge and was complimented on my guardianship paperwork by the judge which made me feel good. I received guardianship and had my granddaughter from the age of about 3 until she was 15. My next account will be about her.
12 people like this
12 responses
@sprite1950 (13924)
• Corsham, England
20 Sep 15
Oh my god, your story brought me to tears because although my story is slightly different, it has many similarities to yours. I have a special guardianship for my granddaughter as my son and his partner are heroin addicts. I have had her since she was almost 4 and she is 9 in November. Thankfully she was the only child as I could not have managed 2. At first I did not want to bring up a child again as I was 60 at the time and just reaching retirement but she would have gone into care if I hadn't. We have come a long way since then and been through some hard times but have now built a good little life for ourselves. We have to do what is best for everyone concerned. My son still resents me for having her but the mum is doing a lot better. I admire you and your daughter for coming out the other side. Unless you have been through a situation like this it is impossibe to understand.
5 people like this
@celticeagle (118231)
• Boise, Idaho
20 Sep 15
I think you are right. We can only love them and give what we can. And I think that is different at different times for different reasons. Hang in there. We are obviously two tough old birds.
3 people like this
@jaboUK (53921)
• United Kingdom
20 Sep 15
Thank you for sharing your moving story. I realise how difficult things have been for you, but I admire you for coping so well. Your daughter and grandaughter are extremely lucky to have you.
2 people like this
@celticeagle (118231)
• Boise, Idaho
20 Sep 15
Thank you for your kind words. There are times that I wish you could tell them that.
1 person likes this
@jaboUK (53921)
• United Kingdom
20 Sep 15
@celticeagle I'd tell them if I could
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118231)
• Boise, Idaho
21 Sep 15
@jaboUK Thank you!
@Inlemay (16520)
• South Africa
20 Sep 15
You did well - being a mother and grandmother, you have to make some serious decisions
2 people like this
@celticeagle (118231)
• Boise, Idaho
20 Sep 15
Thank you. I feel like I did what I could with what I had.
2 people like this
@sharon6345 (125373)
• United States
20 Sep 15
I have bipolar disorder and I wish someone would have taken my child when she was small. I can't begin to tell you the struggle we had together. I still have issues with her now at 21 and I could not for the life of me get the help I needed. I went to welfare and social services and tried to get them to take her. They woud not unless I did something to her. I refused to go to prison just for some help. I wish your daughter the best I hope she is stable now..
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118231)
• Boise, Idaho
20 Sep 15
She is as much as she can be I think. All we can any of us do is the best we can with what we have available. If she hadn't mistreated them she never would have gotten the help and I hate to think what would have happened.
@sharon6345 (125373)
• United States
20 Sep 15
@celticeagle I just hope and pray all continues to go well as it can with her. I know my struggle and many like ours.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118231)
• Boise, Idaho
20 Sep 15
@sharon6345 She will continue to get what she needs as long as I am alive. She is 44 now so that should give her a good start.
@gregario888 (1282)
• Aurangabad, India
20 Sep 15
I can only salute your grit, for what you faced in life.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118231)
• Boise, Idaho
20 Sep 15
Thank you.
1 person likes this
• Aurangabad, India
20 Sep 15
@celticeagle My pleasure!
@simone10 (21657)
• Louisville, Kentucky
20 Sep 15
How difficult this must have been for you, your daughter and your grandchildren. I know it had to be so hard to make the decision you did but I'm glad that your grandson had loving parents and that you have your granddaughter.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118231)
• Boise, Idaho
20 Sep 15
Sometimes the toughest thing is to let go.
1 person likes this
@simone10 (21657)
• Louisville, Kentucky
24 Sep 15
@celticeagle I agree. I'm sure it was one of the hardest things you have ever had to do.
• New Delhi, India
21 Sep 15
Read and learnt. Hats off to you!
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118231)
• Boise, Idaho
21 Sep 15
Thank you.
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
20 Sep 15
Yo have done a wonderful job under difficult circumstances and I commend you as it could not have been easy peasy lemon cheesy. Sending you lots of
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118231)
• Boise, Idaho
21 Sep 15
I can sure use that hug energy. No, it hasn't been easy but worth while.
1 person likes this
@gudheart (12752)
20 Sep 15
Sounds like a difficult time for both of you. Sorry it took so long for her to get properly diagnosed.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118231)
• Boise, Idaho
20 Sep 15
I think an earlier diagnosis would have changed things ALOT.
@LeaPea2417 (20362)
• Toccoa, Georgia
20 Sep 15
What a story! I do feel things turned out best for the son in the long term. It would be nice to know exactly what happened to him, but only if he tried to find you all.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118231)
• Boise, Idaho
20 Sep 15
I agree.
• United States
20 Sep 15
Credit due you Celtic for doing that paperwork and helping your daughter and grandchildren. Glad the boy is in a good place, but sorry your daughter lost him. We have to do what we have to do and you did stupendously the best you could do and continue to do.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118231)
• Boise, Idaho
20 Sep 15
All I can do is just that.
@katsmeow1213 (29047)
• United States
20 Sep 15
I could not have chosen not to take the boy also. Whether I bonded with him or not, he would still be my grandchild, and I wouldn't want to split up a family. I know you mentioned other hardships stopping you from taking the boy too. Do you regret that decision? Do you wish you'd taken both of them?
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118231)
• Boise, Idaho
20 Sep 15
I used to. The goal would of course be to keep the family together. But, that is not always a viable option. I am glad he is in a good place.