October 27, 2015 12:14pm CST
I’ve noticed that my profile picture doesn’t really convey the happy, jolly chap I undoubtedly am. Time for a change maybe! I agonised long and hard over which picture to use as a replacement. Not being of a particularly photogenic nature the choices were extremely limited and ultimately I’ve decided that my current offering is, sadly, the best I could find. I had considered using one of the pictures taken during or after the many triumphs of my younger days but had to rule them out on the grounds of public taste and decency for one reason or another. My first thought was to use the picture of me receiving my first "Ashington's Top Light Entertainer" award in 1986 for my naked mime act but while my man-boobs made for some cracking comedy mimes I considered posting them on here an affront to public decency. It will please you to know I'm in much better shape now!! My next thought was to use a picture taken at the 1982 "Young Inventor of the Year" award ceremony which captured me using the two inventions for which I was nominated. I have mixed feelings about that photograph. My prototype of the right-handed coffee cup failed to withstand the harsh lighting in the arena causing a catastrophic handle failure which resulted in the cup landing on my foot and the contents burning through my deck-shoes (as made fashionable by George Michael and Andrew Ridgely of Wham!). On the plus side, Michael Jackson picked up on the left-handed glove idea and the rest, as they say, is history! Finally, I dismissed the idea of using a picture of me proudly holding my bronze medal at the World Bog-Snorkelling Championships in Holland in 1984 on the grounds that one of my testicles can be seen peeking out from my speedos.
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