Murderous Meat

Grand Haven, Michigan
November 4, 2015 6:54am CST
Vegans love to tell you that meat is murder. They say this right after they tell you they are vegans, which is the first thing they’ll tell anyone as if it’s actually part of their name. “Hello, my name’s Patti IMAVEGAN”. While their assumption is as wrong as a Tofu Kale Burger tastes, I can clarify it for you. Your meat is trying to murder you. This past week has brought two bits of news that will make you think twice about shoving meat into your mouth. And I don’t mean it THAT way you pervs. Unless you’re gay. In which case, I DO mean it that way and IT’S TOTALLY OKAY. First we found out that hot dogs contain HUMAN DNA. Does this mean there are HUMAN BITS in our hot dogs? The scientific answer is yes. That’s exactly what it means. Keep in mind that I base “science” on only the parts of an article I can understand. And since DNA, to me, is only something I care about should I ever be wrongfully charged with sodomy of farm animals (allegedly) and the CSI team has to prove my innocence by testing my swab sample (again, it’s not as dirty as it sounds so stop it), I didn’t get past the first sentence before deciding it MUST mean there is human in hot dogs. Probably not though. The second bit of news came from the World Health Organization, or WHO for short. I believe they intentionally named it that so the people that work there can say “I AM a Dr. WHO”. Anyway, they have determined that bacon causes cancer and should be labeled with a warning. Now when people hear the word CANCER, they freak out. It gets a knee jerk reaction much like the same one women give me when I say things like “Hello” and “You look nice today”. Except THAT knee jerk reaction is usually in my nether regions. My point is, I am creepy. But my OTHER point is people are being anti bacon now. So let’s take a breath and use some common sense here. Bacon MAY cause cancer. Hot dogs MAY be made up of the missing cadavers from medical schools. But here’s the thing. If you eat so many hot dogs and so much bacon that these things will make you sick, the LEAST of your worries should be cancer. In fact, if you use bacon as a substitute for salt, you’ll probably be dead before cancer can do any damage. Or you’ll get your own reality show on TLC right between “16 And A Pregnant Hoe Already” and “The Man With The 150 Pound Testicles”. Either way, the effects of anything depend on use. People have died from masturbating. And sharks. I don’t think those two things are related, but if it is you may need to learn more about that DNA I mentioned earlier. So while the news may appear bleak for us meat lovers (once again….NOT DIRTY YOU SICKO), I’m not going to worry about it. I’ll continue to put bacon in my chili and eat my dead baby flavored, forced meat tubes on a bun. I will also find out how DNA actually works. I hear there’s been a break in at a petting zoo.
9 people like this
9 responses
@simone10 (22231)
• Louisville, Kentucky
17 Nov 15
It really grosses me out to think there may be human DNA in our ground meat. I just can't dwell on it or I would probably never eat meat again. But at the same time, I don't want to be vegan either as I enjoy a steak and burger now and then.
1 person likes this
• Grand Haven, Michigan
18 Nov 15
I'm sure pigs are equally grossed out when they eat us that there may be animal DNA in us lol
1 person likes this
@simone10 (22231)
• Louisville, Kentucky
20 Nov 15
@spleendingo1 Ewww, I hope there aren't pigs out there eating humans.
1 person likes this
• Grand Haven, Michigan
23 Nov 15
@simone10 Pigs are the best way to dispose of bodies. They eat everything. Which is why I should never buy a pig farm. It would be too easy to snap lol
1 person likes this
@lady1993 (16212)
• Philippines
4 Nov 15
I don't know any vegan, so i can't relate although i have heard of those"killer" food and i don't think people will stop eating them too.. i hate hotdogs and bacon though
1 person likes this
• Grand Haven, Michigan
6 Nov 15
HATE BACON?!? You take that back right now! You're a bad person....lmao (just kidding by the way)
1 person likes this
@lady1993 (16212)
• Philippines
7 Nov 15
@spleendingo1 hate is such a strong word.. i eat it when it is served and freshly cooked...
1 person likes this
• Grand Haven, Michigan
7 Nov 15
@lady1993 You are an AWESOME person then! I can be manipulated with bacon. I'm easy like that lol
1 person likes this
@Shellyann36 (8554)
• United States
5 Nov 15
I would love a BLT right now. I am afraid I like bacon but I don't eat it often. Am I going to stop eating it? That is a big ole NO.
1 person likes this
• Grand Haven, Michigan
6 Nov 15
THAT is the correct answer yo lol
@tallawah (7767)
• Kingston, Jamaica
4 Nov 15
I've been a vegetarian most of my life. Unlike Patti; I don't tell people. I was at a function and someone found out I was vegetarian and jumped in my face. She began to tell me what she eats and that she can eat anything. I hadnt' said a word. I never do. If we go to a function I will either spend it at the desert table, (especially if there is chocolate) or have some salad ... or a vegetarian dish if they have it. But Loudmouth, whom I didn't speak to, began defending her eating habits. When I left I said to my friends, "I don't care if she eats her relatives." I don't proselytise.
1 person likes this
• Grand Haven, Michigan
6 Nov 15
I actually have nothing against vegetarians. Like you, I'm a live and let live kind of guy. Unless it's animals. Then it's live and let me EAT YOU lol But when these articles came out, Twitter was awash with vegans mocking those who had heart attacks and such blaming the meat they eat. I had fun with them all day though. I may be on some hit list now, but totally worth it lol
@boiboing (12261)
• Northampton, England
4 Nov 15
You are so funny - I loved that.
1 person likes this
@LadyDuck (131416)
• Switzerland
4 Nov 15
If every time they say that something is dangerous to eat, we should stop eating it, I believe that very little would be left for our daily diet. I listen nobody and I eat what I like.
1 person likes this
@jaboUK (52062)
• United Kingdom
4 Nov 15
If we didn't eat anything that we're warned not to, our diet would be very limited. I shall carry on with my bacon and burgers.
1 person likes this
@MALUSE (34570)
• Denmark
4 Nov 15
Every movement that is exaggerated is bad. 'Est modus in rebus' as the Romans said. Meaning: there is a proper measure in things, i.e., the golden mean should always be observed
1 person likes this
• Grand Haven, Michigan
6 Nov 15
In other words, in moderation there is almost nothing INHERENTLY deadly. But eating two pounds of bacon and a dozen hot dogs everyday will probably kill you fairly quickly. AND make your sweat smell like grease lol
• United States
1 Dec 15
Cancer can attack every single person who has a pH that is more acid than alkaline as cancer attaches itself to weak cells ; therefore if you do or do not have the genetic marker to develop cancer somewhere in your body, your best defense is eating a balanced diet low in acidic fruits and vegetables and animal protein and more alkaline