Are UK Streets Really Safe?

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Those of you familiar with my inane ramblings will have come across the work of the late Brigadier Louis St. John Mortimer, stalwart of the shadowy organisation known as The Bureau Of Comedy Assassinations. After the Brigadier’s untimely demise a missing chapter from his memoirs has been discovered, amongst his personal effects, which blows the lid off a controversial agreement between the UK and the USA. Known as the ‘three strikes and you’re in’ policy, the Bureau of Comedy Assassinations used death row inmates from US prisons as guinea pigs for their new assassination techniques. The deal being that if an inmate survived three attempts on his/her life they would be given a new identity and a new life in the UK. The Brigadier’s memoirs give the names, and the new identities, of the only two prisoners to have survived. The first is a serial killer called Walter Singleton who won is freedom when an exploding electronic cigarette failed to ignite. This was followed by a piano failing to drop on him because an assistant had failed to mark the correct landing spot. Finally, the Quantum Falling Anvil failed to finish him off because, despite it dropping everywhere in the world simultaneously it also dropped nowhere in the world simultaneously. Sadly, Walter’s murderous ways weren’t curtailed by his new identity as he can be seen regularly murdering songs on West End stages and on UK television programmes as John Barrowman. The second prisoner is rumoured to be a murderer named Colin Beckett. A dangerous individual who ripped a man’s arm off and beat him to death with it. If the Brigadier’s memoirs are to be believed, Colin is now ‘entertaining’ the world as Madonna. I’m highly doubtful on this one though. Madonna is far too butch!!