Are UK Streets Really Safe?

@WorDazza (10091)
Manchester, England
November 20, 2015 4:56am CST
Those of you familiar with my inane ramblings will have come across the work of the late Brigadier Louis St. John Mortimer, stalwart of the shadowy organisation known as The Bureau Of Comedy Assassinations. After the Brigadier’s untimely demise a missing chapter from his memoirs has been discovered, amongst his personal effects, which blows the lid off a controversial agreement between the UK and the USA. Known as the ‘three strikes and you’re in’ policy, the Bureau of Comedy Assassinations used death row inmates from US prisons as guinea pigs for their new assassination techniques. The deal being that if an inmate survived three attempts on his/her life they would be given a new identity and a new life in the UK. The Brigadier’s memoirs give the names, and the new identities, of the only two prisoners to have survived. The first is a serial killer called Walter Singleton who won is freedom when an exploding electronic cigarette failed to ignite. This was followed by a piano failing to drop on him because an assistant had failed to mark the correct landing spot. Finally, the Quantum Falling Anvil failed to finish him off because, despite it dropping everywhere in the world simultaneously it also dropped nowhere in the world simultaneously. Sadly, Walter’s murderous ways weren’t curtailed by his new identity as he can be seen regularly murdering songs on West End stages and on UK television programmes as John Barrowman. The second prisoner is rumoured to be a murderer named Colin Beckett. A dangerous individual who ripped a man’s arm off and beat him to death with it. If the Brigadier’s memoirs are to be believed, Colin is now ‘entertaining’ the world as Madonna. I’m highly doubtful on this one though. Madonna is far too butch!!
10 people like this
6 responses
@LadyDuck (177329)
• Switzerland
20 Nov 15
Oh my, Madonna is far too butch What a story!
3 people like this
@WorDazza (10091)
• Manchester, England
21 Nov 15
Well at least you recognised it was just a story. I think one of the comments on here suggests someone thinks I was serious!!!
2 people like this
@LadyDuck (177329)
• Switzerland
21 Nov 15
@WorDazza See this with a positive mind, if you convinced someone that this story is true, you can convince the Americans about Donald.
2 people like this
@WorDazza (10091)
• Manchester, England
23 Nov 15
@LadyDuck Leave it to me! I'll see what I can do to save the planet!!
1 person likes this
@Vivenda (588)
• Portsmouth, England
20 Nov 15
Worthy of Terry Pratchett's Guild of Assassins!
2 people like this
@WorDazza (10091)
• Manchester, England
21 Nov 15
Wow! Thank you! I'm extremely flattered by that comparison.
2 people like this
@troyburns (1428)
• New Zealand
23 Nov 15
You're a very strange man, Dazza. This sounds like it could have been the plot of a Goon Show episode. Peter Sellers as the Brigadier?
1 person likes this
@WorDazza (10091)
• Manchester, England
23 Nov 15
This was one of the ideas I had for a novel based on the exploits of a Bureau of Comedy Assassinations member. I think it might actually work better as a screenplay though. Sellers is (or would have been) an excellent call for the Brigadier.
1 person likes this
@jstory07 (70095)
• Roseburg, Oregon
21 Nov 15
You sure do write funny stories I enjoyed reading it.
1 person likes this
@WorDazza (10091)
• Manchester, England
23 Nov 15
Thank you. Glad you enjoyed it.
@yalul070 (1750)
• Manila, Philippines
20 Nov 15
but if there are people who survived that 3-strike policy, then they could be just very few. i don't think a lot of people could be that lucky.
1 person likes this
@WorDazza (10091)
• Manchester, England
20 Nov 15
Well, according to the Brigadier's memoirs there were only two. But you just never know
2 people like this
@alchemistrx (2569)
• Philippines
23 Jan 16
And i thought the streets were safe.