Am I selfish?

Philippines
November 30, 2015 3:06pm CST
My ex ran away when he got me pregnant. He blocked me in every contacts we have, he changed his phone number, blocked me on facebook and skype. But, one month before my daughter turns 2 years old I got a messaged on facebook from him after almost 3 years and he ask if he can be a father to her daughter so I give him a chance since my daughter already started to ask about her dad so I thought that it is a good idea and I thought of that time he deserves a second chance. My ex is in Australia so they talk via viber. He is then started to sent some allowance to his daughter. Lately my ex want us to visit in Au so he can be with his daughter for a lil bit longer rather than he visit and only take a week. But when we already lodged my daughters citizenship he said when we get the result of my daughter's citizenship he will then travel to Ph and pick my daughter and I am no longer on the plan. And I am like WTH she will bring my daughter alone and he dont even have any experience taking care of children and they dont have any bond yet and he might not give it back to me. So I dont agree with it and he gets mad and threaten me to get my daughter, he will bring it to court. I am mad because he is not thinking of his daughters welfare. He is just thinking of whats only suits him. And he call me selfish because he said I am not giving him a chance to be with his daughter. Am I selfish? I give him a chance to know his daughter and I even told him he can visit and spend time with his daughter anytime. And he accused me that I want to extort money from him thats why I dont want my daughter to spend time with him. I am thinking that giving him a second chance is not a good idea at all.
12 people like this
14 responses
@allknowing (61563)
• India
1 Dec 15
You are in a terrible situation sadly. That is not how it should be. You should be in the plan as well and for that he should visit you and not the other way around where he is only interested in his daughter. You can get hold of all the laws and do what is best for both of you.
3 people like this
@Beatburn (3915)
• Philippines
1 Dec 15
That's right. Use the law. He has no right to get her after all you've gone through. That man is bad news.
4 people like this
• Philippines
1 Dec 15
Yeah I am . And its a sleepless nights for me. So many things runs through my mind but no way he can take my daughter away.Thank you.
@allknowing (61563)
• India
1 Dec 15
@hlfbldmom The earlier you get hold of laws that will take you there the better it will be for you.
2 people like this
@k270585 (161)
30 Nov 15
There no way my children would go off alone with someone they don't really know whether it's their Dad or not. Definitly not selfish of you as you have said he can have access. I would have said he same as you.
3 people like this
• Philippines
30 Nov 15
Thank you for responding. I told him he can visit her anytime and I will have them spend time together but not without me. But seems he wanted to rule over with my daughter which is I wont let it to happen.
2 people like this
@k270585 (161)
30 Nov 15
@hlfbldmom I would be the same she's only young.
1 person likes this
@jaboUK (53411)
• United Kingdom
30 Nov 15
You are 100% right not to let him take your daughter. The only way he should see her is if you are there too.
3 people like this
• Philippines
1 Dec 15
Thank you.
1 person likes this
• Jacksonville, Florida
30 Nov 15
I do not blame you at all, that would never be something I allowed either. Your not the selfish one-he is! You gave him the chance and he wants more, too bad for him. He should have thought about his daughter more and been a part of her life before now.
3 people like this
• Philippines
1 Dec 15
I am not talking to him anymore and that I am doubting if he could be a good father to my daughtet. My daughter is better off without him.Thank you.
@cacay1 (32537)
• Cagayan De Oro, Philippines
1 Dec 15
Never allow your daughter to be with his father.Why didn't he appear before. You better close your communication with him and tell the Philippine immigration to block his entry to Ph.He is not worth of your trust and affection.Never be fooled. He fooled you once and never allow him to fool you again.It's your time now to shut your FB connection with him,viber ,Skye etc. Be wise enough.Enough is enough.I hate that kind of person,insensitive.
2 people like this
• Philippines
1 Dec 15
I already did blocked him in everything. I give him a chance because I am thinking of my daughters best interest. I dont want her to grow up clueless about her father but now I think my daughter is better off without her father . Thank you!
2 people like this
@cacay1 (32537)
• Cagayan De Oro, Philippines
1 Dec 15
@hlfbldmom I am so pleased of your action done to stop your ex abuse.
2 people like this
@Marcyaz (35765)
• United States
1 Dec 15
@hlfbldmom Your daughter is better off without this man as her father.
1 person likes this
@birjudanak (7160)
• India
1 Dec 15
you not have to give second chance to him because that person who left yo in such a critical condition and put you in trouble he not deserve any chances,i swear while i reading your post when i see you give chance then i feel from inside that if he come after 3 years then must be for daughter and its right ,he want your daughter not you,hes is irresponsible person otherwise he not left you like this.all of this condition effect on child which is not good so please keep child away from this kind of person.
2 people like this
• Philippines
1 Dec 15
Yeah I decided to keep my daughter away from him so I shut all the communications with him. He is truly irresponsible and coward. Thank you.
1 person likes this
• India
2 Dec 15
@hlfbldmom you have take a perfect decision and you are not selfish but you done it only for you daughter for her good future.i am really happy with your strong decision.
@yukimori (9042)
• United States
30 Nov 15
No, you're absolutely not selfish. I think you need to speak with a lawyer who's familiar with international custody law and can advise you about this. Your ex doesn't seem to have your daughter's best interests in mind, and I have a sneaking suspicion the reason that he's getting so upset at the fact that you're "being selfish" is because he knows damn well he's setting off your inner mama bear's alarm bells and is trying to override her common sense. Trust your instincts on this one, and DO NOT let him (or anyone else) convince you that you're overreacting. You're not. If he was really, truly intent on being a part of his daughter's life, he would understand exactly what he did to you when he took off and what effect his sudden reappearance is having on your child. Instead, he's focusing exclusively on his wants and getting things to go his way. You threw a wrench in his plans, so he's taking the offensive with you. Talk to a lawyer. My gut reaction is that you need to refuse the money he's sending so that he can't claim he's supporting either of you or that you're unable to care for your daughter financially. No matter what, DO NOT GO TO AUSTRALIA WITH HIM. Again, you're going to have to talk to a lawyer, but I'm pretty sure you're going to wind up with one hell of a custody nightmare if you go there. He and your daughter have citizenship. You don't.
2 people like this
@Drosophila (16742)
• Ireland
1 Dec 15
Yep, Yuki is right! This sounds very fishy indeed!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
1 Dec 15
Thank you Yuki for the advice. Thats what I am thinking too if we go there in Au my daughter cant get out of Au if the father dont give consent to travel. I already talked to a lawyer here and she told me that Philippines is not a party to the Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of Family Code and that Once in the Philippines, the child/ren would be completely subject to Philippine law for all matters including custody. Your adviced is greatly appreciated. Thank you so much...and to all who give their adviced Thank you guys.
1 person likes this
@totobasso (346)
• Canada
30 Nov 15
Please take care of your daughter and be a good mother and don't give in to his selfish whims.
2 people like this
• Philippines
1 Dec 15
Yeah I will...and no way I will give in. Thank you.
1 person likes this
• Minneapolis, Minnesota
30 Nov 15
Oh my god he had his chance to be a father but he decided to take the easy route out and be completely disrespectful to you at the same time. I am all for not keeping children away from their birth parents, she should have a chance to see her dad but not alone! If you keep her from him she will only hate you for it when she gets older, speaking from experience.
2 people like this
• Philippines
1 Dec 15
He always thinks of whats best for him. I tried explaining him that his daughter is too young to be away from me and that will affect her and his heartless answer was she will get over it. I am trying to explain to my daughter at her young age why I am not talking to her father and so do her she said okay and ask why her father do that I told her she will undertsand the situation whe she grow up. I hope she will understand whe she gets older as I dont want her to hate me because of the sitaution.
@srisahara (4155)
• Indonesia
1 Dec 15
I think you are not selfish, but you worry about your daughter because you don't know how your ex will treat her, whereas he never caring her at all. I think you should be careful when take a decision to give a chance to your ex to bring your daughter.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
1 Dec 15
Thank you. I am very careful and I came to a decision that my daughter is better off without her father. If in the future she is old enough I wont stop her from seeing her father but for now I am just after her best interest.
1 person likes this
@srisahara (4155)
• Indonesia
2 Dec 15
@hlfbldmom Agree with you. Your daughter is your treasure for your future. Give the best for her.
1 person likes this
@Marcyaz (35765)
• United States
1 Dec 15
That is not right and sounds like if he gets the daughter to Australia he won't bring her back. You are the one who has taken care of her and he is the one who ran away when he found out you were pregnant. Don't let him bully you.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
1 Dec 15
Thank you. I wont allow him to hurt me again nor let him to hurt my daughter. So I shut all the communications.
@Sreekala (21942)
• India
1 Dec 15
I don’t know how you could be kind enough to him, since he deserted you after knowing you are pregnant. Where he disappeared till his daughter turned 3 years old. I really wonder and doubt his care and concern on his daughter. He does not have any right to blame you, as you stood for your baby and took all pain alone during the pregnancy. What he knows about the pain of bearing a child and the following process. If I was in your place, I would have slapped on his face when he comes back after a long gap then demand for visiting his daughter. I really appreciate your patience and I am sure you think about your daughter’s happiness and longed the father’s love to her. Yes, most of the mothers are ready to do compromises for their children. Be bold enough and care your daughter well.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
1 Dec 15
As far as I wanted to slap my ex and kick his balls I am more concern of my daughter. As a mother I want my daughter to be happy and wanting to know and see her father makes her happy I set aside the anger I have for my ex. But this time I am not tolerating him as I am jow sure he wont be a good father to my daughter. Thank you for responding I really appreciate.
• United States
1 Dec 15
That is very rude of him to say that to you especially when HE was the one who left and didn't want to be a fatherly figure from the start. He should be thrilled you granted his wish to speak to his daughter after how many years. I would not trust him with your daughter alone, he doesn't have any custody over your daughter at all.. At this point, if he wants to see his daughter - he will have to fly to you even if it's just one week. It's a start because you don't know how he is now either ~ people can change and all that matters is yours and your daughters safely.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
1 Dec 15
Thank you.
@youless (90089)
• Guangzhou, China
1 Dec 15
I am sorry to hear your experience. It is really not difficult for you to bring up a child by yourself. Then he just suddenly appears but I am surprised that he doesn't want to mend up his mistakes. You are not selfish. The daughter is all you have. It is important for a woman.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
1 Dec 15
I am so grateful and blessed to have a very supportive family who is helping me all through out to take care of my daughter. Thank you.
1 person likes this