Empty Arms

@Juliaacv (32377)
Canada
January 4, 2016 7:13am CST
Twenty five years ago next month my husband and I had a beautiful baby girl. Usually in the weeks leading up to a birthday I plan and I find something special for that person who will be celebrating. We cannot do that for this birthday. Our little girl, who was born with congenital heart disease, passed away from her bad heart just a couple of weeks after she was born. Instead of picking out something that my daughter would like to open as a gift, my heart cries out with the pain and loneliness that it feels after having carried a child and then never got to love her as long as my heart was ready to. My arms feel so empty, my heart feels so cheated. Its a lifetime, 25 years, of not having. Not having any mother-daughter, or father-daughter or brother-sister stories to share, except for a few from her brief life with us. I absolutely hate this time of the year, the pain feels as fresh as it did a quarter of a century ago. So forgive me if I'm quiet, or not my usual self. I am going thru a lot, and this year seems to be worse, perhaps its the milestone of realizing that its been so long without, and yet so long with.
26 people like this
28 responses
@LadyDuck (170893)
• Switzerland
4 Jan 16
I am very sorry for your baby girl. I can understand your pain, no matter how much time has passed since that day.
2 people like this
@Juliaacv (32377)
• Canada
4 Jan 16
Thank you, I don't mean to cry the blues, but there is so much pain for me at this time of the year. Some years are worse then others, but this one is awful.
1 person likes this
@1creekgirl (11426)
• United States
4 Jan 16
I am so very sorry. I can't imagine how painful it is. I pray for God's comfort and strength for you.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (32377)
• Canada
4 Jan 16
Thank you Vicki, I could use those prayers. Some years its harder then other years, but this one tops them all. But I'm letting it all out, so that it doesn't fester inside of me and make me ill.
1 person likes this
@1creekgirl (11426)
• United States
4 Jan 16
@Juliaacv I guess there's something about an anniversary that is especially painful. I know you'll always miss her. You have many friends here who care and are praying for you.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (32377)
• Canada
4 Jan 16
@1creekgirl Your kindness and concern is very appreciated, and greatly needed. Her birthday and anniversary are just 14 days (2 weeks) apart. She wasn't here for very long.
1 person likes this
@BelleStarr (39591)
• United States
8 Jan 16
I am sending you a hug, I know your pain. Almost 46 years ago I lost my second son Daniel. He was stillborn and perfect. I have never gotten over it. His birthday is January 17th.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (32377)
• Canada
8 Jan 16
I am sending you a hug back. Our daughter's birthday would have been February 16th, isn't that something that they had such close birthdays? I'm glad that you have the wonderful grandsons that you do, so that you can have that special bond that you didn't get to have with Daniel. That is what I miss about losing our little girl when she was so young. I only took her out shopping once with me.
1 person likes this
@BelleStarr (39591)
• United States
8 Jan 16
@Juliaacv There are quite a few people who have lost a child among our BB friends. One of my grandsons is named Daniel and so is my great grandson. Yes the grandsons are wonderful but I will always wonder what my Daniel would have been like, I nver got to see him they didn't let the mothers hold stillborns in those days!! The doctor told me he was perfect. Sorry I am tearing up, yes it is something that their birthdays were so close.
1 person likes this
@kevin1877uk (36964)
5 Jan 16
I'm so sorry to hear, my mom was the same before I came along she had a daughter who lived for 3 days after birth.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (32377)
• Canada
5 Jan 16
Thank you. Our son was 17 months old when she came along, sadly we were told not to have any more children, so he's been raised as an only child, although we talk about his sister and always have to him.
1 person likes this
@kevin1877uk (36964)
5 Jan 16
@Juliaacv Sorry to hear they told you not to have any more.
1 person likes this
@sharon6345 (135560)
• United States
4 Jan 16
My neighbor lost her son as she was 6 months pregnat and she is having a hard time now with the new one she is carrying.
1 person likes this
@sharon6345 (135560)
• United States
4 Jan 16
I am so sorry that your down about your daughter. I know it's going to be a life time and I wish you the best dealing with the loss.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (32377)
• Canada
4 Jan 16
@sharon6345 Thank you, I think that I'm realizing that with 25 years of not having her, it feels like a lifetime, and given the fact that I was 28 when I had her, it is almost a lifetime.
@fishtiger58 (30320)
• Momence, Illinois
4 Jan 16
I am so sorry for your loss, even though it was so long ago she was your child and you will never forget. My sister had her first child and the sweet baby girl lived 11 minutes in my sister's arms. That was at least 25 years ago. It's still and always will break her heart. I hope you and your loved ones get through this painful time.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (32377)
• Canada
4 Jan 16
Thank you, our kids are our future, and its hard to live with part of your future missing. I find that my grief is heavy this year, and I'm having a hard time concentrating as of late. Thankfully I am enjoying a few days off of work.
1 person likes this
@fishtiger58 (30320)
• Momence, Illinois
4 Jan 16
@Juliaacv you are more than welcome.
1 person likes this
@Shiva49 (13787)
• Singapore
4 Jan 16
It is such a deep loss that others may not understand at all. We had our child after fourteen years and it was such an empty feeling before he was born especially to my wife. Some things are tough to accept in life - siva
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (32377)
• Canada
4 Jan 16
Our family doctor, at that time, told me that he and his wife went thru the very same thing.
1 person likes this
@Shiva49 (13787)
• Singapore
4 Jan 16
@Juliaacv It felt unreal for me to become a father after fourteen years of marriage and now he is nearly 25 years old - siva
1 person likes this
@cintol (7620)
• United States
5 Jan 16
It is never easy to lose someone you loved, especially a child and I know how you feel. I too lost my son when he was 7 1/2 wks old and what made that worse is that his identical twin brother is still with us 31 yrs later and I always wonder what it would have been like with them both. All you can do is keep her in your heart and cherish the memories you have. Hugs to you
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (32377)
• Canada
5 Jan 16
Thank you for your kind words.
@Beatburn (3904)
• Philippines
5 Jan 16
You deserve that moment of silence, of solitude. Sorry for your loss. When you've recovered your bearings, we'll be here, eager to interact with you.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (32377)
• Canada
5 Jan 16
Thank you, that is very kind of you. I'll probably take a couple of months.
• United States
4 Jan 16
I cannot even fathom losing a child. My heart goes out to you. A dear friend of mine lost her first born, a boy, when he was 11 months old. He had pneumonia. She still grieves today over the loss.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (32377)
• Canada
4 Jan 16
Thank you. Its a double edged sword, you grieve the child you lost and you grieve the child that never got to grow up and give you the joys that children give to us thru the years. All of our hopes and dreams for her were vanished and we're left with just her sweet memory.
@gr8nana6 (2191)
• United States
4 Jan 16
I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are still going through Julia. I can't even imagine the pain of losing a child.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (32377)
• Canada
4 Jan 16
The pain of the loss was bad enough, but living your life without them, that takes so much out of you, and you hurt so badly inside. I'm glad that you don't know this pain.
1 person likes this
• Jacksonville, Florida
4 Jan 16
I am so sorry for the loss, I am sure it never ever gets any easier no matter how much time passes.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (32377)
• Canada
4 Jan 16
Thank you, it hurts pretty deeply for us all.
@marlina (76666)
• Canada
4 Jan 16
I feel so bad for you losing your little girl years ago. I think it must be the hardest thing to go through in life. Hope that you will be able to find some peace about it.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (32377)
• Canada
4 Jan 16
I usually just live thru it, and come out of it eventually. Its like going into a long dark tunnel, there is always light at the end of it but passing thru it can be rough.
@AnneEJ (4986)
• Dollard-Des-Ormeaux, Quebec
4 Jan 16
Knowing the relationship I have with my daughter, I can understand how you must feel. I pray the Lord will give you comfort and peace.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (32377)
• Canada
4 Jan 16
Thanks, and I feel close to our son's girlfriend, and I find that the more that her and I do together the more I realize how much I missed out on after we lost Brittany. And when I see my hubby and our son doing things together, even just sitting in the family room and having a lively conversation, it tugs at my heart strings. But one day I know that we'll be reunited and never separated again, and she will not be in heart failure.
1 person likes this
@JudyEv (130208)
• Bunbury, Australia
4 Jan 16
I am so sorry that you are going through such pain. No-one will blame you for not being your usual cheerful self at this time. Sending you hugs.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (32377)
• Canada
4 Jan 16
Thanks, its really not like me to blog about it, but I'm feeling really low this year and totally not myself and I needed to explain that to you, my friends. This hug will go a long way today, much appreciated!
2 people like this
• United States
6 Jan 16
Oh I am so, so very sorry for your loss, Juliaacv!
1 person likes this
@monalica (117)
• New Delhi, India
5 Jan 16
The mother loves her children so much ,as she does every thing what they want , what they wish in their life .The baby girl looks so cute, loving, beautiful and charming . I feel the sorrow of a mother who has lost her baby it is very difficult to survive without your baby,your dream to love it .
1 person likes this
@xtedax (110)
• Quezon City, Philippines
5 Jan 16
Tears fall from my eyes as I read your post. I cannot imagine the pain a parent, especially a mother, feels when her child is taken from her. Time will heal the pain but the scar will forever be there. Your precious angel is now looking at you, hugging you whenever she can, and praying for you to be strong each day. She's in a better place, and one day you will see her again.
1 person likes this
@sallypup (27998)
• Moses Lake, Washington
5 Jan 16
My condolences. I'm sorry. Thank you for sharing your pain.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (101709)
• United States
5 Jan 16
I am so sorry for your loss. You are correct, some years our losses are more emphatic.
1 person likes this