Don't Panic!

@WorDazza (10089)
Manchester, England
January 29, 2016 6:27am CST
The BBC website reports that the Royal Navy's most modern warships, the Type 45 destroyers, are to be fitted with new engines because they keep breaking down. In a world where the UK is public enemy No. 1 to pretty much everyone, including many of its own citizens, is this really something we should be broadcasting? It's tantamount to sending an open letter to the world saying: "Dear Potential Aggressor, It has come to our attention that our fleet of modern warships is a little bit broken. While we carry out essential repairs it would be awfully nice of you to refrain from engaging in hostilities with us, particularly hostilities of the naval variety (that's the sea, not the belly button!!!). A few months should see everything tickety-boo once more, at which point we would be delighted to indulge all-comers in a spot of sea-faring fisticuffs. Should you choose not to be terribly British about this, you should be warned that we do have a contingency plan in place for anyone who thinks it will be an easy task to enter our waters uninvited. We have engaged the services of the London Mayor, Boris Johnson, who will be patrolling our coastline in a pedalo, armed with a blunderbuss. We would, however, request that you take it easy with Mr. Johnson as his movement is severely restricted by the inflatable rubber ring and arm bands. Your co-operation in this matter will be greatly appreciated. Yours hopefully, Mr. D Cameron (on behalf of Her Majesty's Government)" That should keep the blighters at bay!!
10 people like this
11 responses
@xFiacre (6136)
• Ireland
29 Jan 16
@wordazza Indeed. Who needs double agents when we can just leak the secrets ourselves - cut out the middle man.
5 people like this
@WorDazza (10089)
• Manchester, England
29 Jan 16
It is terribly British of us! Oh hang on. I mean it is terrible of us!!!!
3 people like this
@gudheart (12740)
9 Feb 16
LOL it does save time doesn't it!!
@LadyDuck (189105)
• Switzerland
29 Jan 16
You made my day, I needed a funny post to brighten up my day. Now, if I feel down, I think to Boris Johnson patrolling in a pedalo.
3 people like this
@WorDazza (10089)
• Manchester, England
29 Jan 16
I was hoping that the non-Brits would know who Boris is. Don't forget the rubber ring though!!!
3 people like this
@JudyEv (142064)
• Bunbury, Australia
30 Jan 16
@WorDazza Boris occasionally makes it onto our news service too. Quite the character. But didn't our Tony Abbott popularise the budgie smuggler first?
3 people like this
@WorDazza (10089)
• Manchester, England
31 Jan 16
@JudyEv Is it possible to popularise the budgie smuggler???
2 people like this
@boiboing (12879)
• Northampton, England
29 Jan 16
Poor Boris.
3 people like this
@WorDazza (10089)
• Manchester, England
29 Jan 16
Don't worry about Boris. He volunteered! It'll give him some good stories to tell over a glass of port and an impromptu game of wiff-waff at the gentleman's club.
2 people like this
@jaboUK (55157)
• United Kingdom
29 Jan 16
Yup - that should do it. Very clever post as usual.
2 people like this
@WorDazza (10089)
• Manchester, England
29 Jan 16
I'm pretty sure it will be effective. Would you approach Boris while he was wearing speedos???
2 people like this
@jaboUK (55157)
• United Kingdom
29 Jan 16
@WorDazza Wot?? I'd run a mile!
2 people like this
@WorDazza (10089)
• Manchester, England
29 Jan 16
@jaboUK Well there you go. Our country is safe thanks to Boris and his Budgie smugglers.
2 people like this
@Morleyhunt (19299)
• Canada
29 Jan 16
By the time I finished reading this, I was glad my coffee was finished. It reminds me of Operation Desert Storm...lets have it all televised. Reality TV goes to new heights.
2 people like this
@WorDazza (10089)
• Manchester, England
29 Jan 16
What a brilliant idea! Boris patrolling the high seas and being shot at by a variety of ne'er-do-wells and the public gets to vote on which weapon Boris uses to defend himself.
2 people like this
@Fleura (7435)
• United Kingdom
1 Feb 16
@WorDazza That would make a great new game! Quick get it patented!
1 person likes this
@WorDazza (10089)
• Manchester, England
1 Feb 16
@Fleura It's got to be better than a lot of the rubbish that's currently on TV purporting to be entertainment!!
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Jan 16
This reminds me of the Congressional hearings we have on everything imaginable. The fools want to broadcast even the most sensitive information to the world.
2 people like this
@WorDazza (10089)
• Manchester, England
29 Jan 16
It's probably so they can show everyone just how important they are.
2 people like this
• United States
30 Jan 16
@WorDazza True, but wouldn't it be wise to hold private meetings on sensitive matters? I think some of these hearing amount to treason by putting us all in jeopardy.
2 people like this
@JudyEv (142064)
• Bunbury, Australia
29 Jan 16
This sounds just so British! Pompous as they come.
2 people like this
@WorDazza (10089)
• Manchester, England
29 Jan 16
I may have missed my calling as an official government letter writer!!!
2 people like this
@GreatMartin (6607)
• Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
31 Jan 16
We live in a strange world with strange leaders today and the Internet doesn't help!! :O)
2 people like this
@MALUSE (46040)
• Uzbekistan
29 Jan 16
The German army's equipment is also in a bad state. It has recently been found out that the rifles German soldiers use in Afghanistan don't shoot straight when a certain high tempreature is reached !
2 people like this
@bluesa (15242)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
2 Feb 16
Tee hee! Fisticuffs , love that word. Oh my word, you would think something important like that would be kept under wraps! @WorDazza maybe all the baddies out there are on vacation, or, uhm, they could think it is a plot to lure them in, and then BHAM they are hit with full naval wrath!
1 person likes this
@WorDazza (10089)
• Manchester, England
2 Feb 16
Not quite sure which is worse. Full naval wrath (I like that phrase ) or the wrath of Boris!!!
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15242)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
2 Feb 16
@WorDazza , goodness knows! I have seen he is quite dangerous in a football match.
1 person likes this
@WorDazza (10089)
• Manchester, England
3 Feb 16
@bluesa Oh yeah, takes no prisoners. He even flattened a young child playing rugby in China!!
1 person likes this
@Fleura (7435)
• United Kingdom
1 Feb 16
Yes I always wonder whether that sort of thing should be broadcast, you can bet Mr Putin isn't telling the world about any military problems!