Pa Returns Home

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Woke up to hear Mama screaming her head off and what sounded to me like her big old cast iron skillet hitting something fleshy. The fleshy thing turned out to be Pa's head. Once he stopped seeing stars and had a swig of the shine, Pa was ready to explain where he'd been for the last five years. According to Pa he had gone out to buy me candy on account of how I was his most precious girl child and as he was driving to Plexley's Shop and Save, he saw this light up in the sky and next thing he knew these odd looking skinny gray fellers were probing him where no decent man cares to ever be probed. Pa sworn it took him two weeks to walk straight again and gave him a fierce case of the rhoids. Mama smiled and listened to his woeful tale then when he was finished she told him to git before she did some probing of her own with some buckshot. Pa begged not to be thrown out in the cold lonely world but Mama, she wasn't having none of it and punched him straight in the face. Blood came shooting out of his nose, landing on the wedding dress we had just cleaned after Cousin Myra's almost wedding. Then she hit him again for ruining the dress. Pa took off running as soon as Mama went and got the shotgun. Guess he figured he'd be better off taking his chances with them gray fellers and their probing ways.