My unplanned surprise

@sissy15 (5395)
United States
February 4, 2016 1:05pm CST
Sometimes in life we're handed things we we hand't planned, heck in life we're handed a lot of things we haven't planned. I mean if I'm honest plans rarely work out he way we plan for them, but the thing is some of those things turn out for the better. I have mentioned my son was unplanned, but I've never really gone into detail. The thing is when I found out I was pregnant I was thrown through a loop. I didn't want to be pregnant, I wasn't at a point in my life where I could be a mother, or so I thought at the time. I didn't look at the big picture, I just thought about how it would ruin my life, it seems extremely selfish looking back. I had started my first and only year of college, and late at that. I was 23. Neither my boyfriend nor I had a job, we were living with my mom (we're still living with her after a brief stint on our own), and we had no clue what we were going to do. I kept hoping I'd miscarry, since I didn't/don't believe in abortion, at least not for myself. I mean I didn't try to miscarry, but I wished it on myself none the less, something I'm not proud of. I am so insanely thankful my wish at that time didn't come true. Part of me felt like none of it was real. I was already almost 3 months along when I found out I was pregnant as I wasn't showing any symptoms. I was terrified, I didn't have the means to be a mother, I didn't think I could be a mother. I tried to convince myself it wasn't real. I eventually made a doctor's appointment, and they scheduled me for an ultrasound. It was at the ultrasound that everything was made real. Before that I had no real proof it was real, I could convince myself it was a false positive, but then I saw my son on the screen and heard his heartbeat, he was a tiny human, since I was further along than most women who have their first ultrasound. I saw his little hand that looked like it was waving, and I heard his heartbeat, and I fell in love. He was real, and I wanted him. I was still terrified, but I knew from that moment that my life would never be the same again. My boyfriend eventually got a job, and I babysat and we managed to make things work. I didn't tell anyone until I was in my 3rd trimester, I'm already heavy, so I didn't really start to show until the last couple of months. I remember learning I was having a boy, I would have been happy with a girl too, but I really wanted a little boy, because I'm surrounded by nieces. I didn't know that I wanted my son until he was on his way, I didn't even think I wanted children, I love kids, but I wasn't sure I wanted to give up my me time for a kid, but now I wouldn't have it any other way. I have made a lot of sacrifices for my son that I never thought I would be able to make. I will never tell him about the time I didn't want him, because that was short lived, and it's not that I didn't want him, I just didn't know that I did. Some of the best things in life are those we didn't plan. No, I didn't plan him, but he is the best gift I have ever received. He is difficult and he drives me crazy, but I'd never want to imagine a world without him. Just because something is scary doesn't necessarily make it bad. I was scared, and if I'm honest with myself I am still scared, but it's a different kind of scared. I'm scared I'll fail him, and I'm always terrified something could happen to him. I mean it's a scary world, but you can't let fear rule your life. I'd hate to think where I'd be if my wish to miscarry came true. Clearly my son was meant to come into my life when he did, I just couldn't see it at the time. My son wasn't an accident he was just an unplanned surprise, which is what I'll tell him if he ever asks.
2 people like this
2 responses
@celticeagle (118231)
• Boise, Idaho
5 Feb 16
Fear and anxiety seem to be very close. That is what I deal with. Many new moms are naturals and just seem to do very well.
@sissy15 (5395)
• United States
5 Feb 16
As my pregnancy progressed I got a more positive outlook, but at the beginning I was just terrified.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118231)
• Boise, Idaho
5 Feb 16
@sissy15 ...But, you did fine right?
@sissy15 (5395)
• United States
5 Feb 16
@celticeagle For the most part, I'm a work in progress. My son seems happy for the most part, so I guess that's something.
1 person likes this
@JudyEv (123169)
• Bunbury, Australia
4 Feb 16
I think many young Mums are scared with their first child - even the second and third. It is a great responsibility having a new baby to care for and raise.
@sissy15 (5395)
• United States
5 Feb 16
It is a great responsibility, but I still wish I wouldn't have felt the way I did in the beginning. I mean in hindsight I know I was crazy for thinking that way, but at that time it was scary, and I didn't realize what I was capable of.