"PETA protests shameless exploitation of animals in Super Bowl"
February 8, 2016 5:37am CST
Killing pigs to make footballs is only one of the two major points raised by PETA in their annual outrage over the Super Bowl. This year, they also directed their wrath towards the Carolina Panthers and the Denver Broncos. "It is totally outrageous and beyond belief that animals would be used in the names of these teams" said an unnamed source. "These animals are being shamelessly exploited by the NFL in their mad grab for money from the unknowing American public. Animals don't play football, and millions of unwitting Americans tuned in yesterday to see a fight between wild horses and jungle cats, which of course, was never shown. These names, and others like them, such as the Livingston Seagulls, are merely 'bait' to catch the public unaware and get them to tune in to their sporting events, hoping to hook the unsuspecting viewers into waiting for the advertised animal battles." Speaking on conditions of anonymity, the member then went on into a mostly garbled, fuming and shouting tirade about Life, The Universe, and Everything. Meanwhile, John Q Public, head of the other PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals) continued to watch the game and eat Buffalo Wings, another misnomer that the first PETA is strongly against, since buffalo don't have wings. (This has been an unofficial report from 109.9 - FM WEED)
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• Winston Salem, North Carolina
@JolietJake It's pretty clear that writer's sometimes have problems with very simple math. There have been a few trilogies over the years that prove quite clearly that some authors just can't count. I still want someone to provide my kindle with a Don't Panic screen!