I want to understand Arranged Marriages better

United States
February 10, 2016 3:47am CST
I understand the historical reasons for an arranged marriage. I can't say that I understand the modern need for it. Perhaps it is because I do not understand the culture of the countries that still practice it today. Is it due to financial reasons? Is it something that sill goes on because of tradition? Is it the father's right to choose the partner that his daughter would wed? Is it just the daughter's that have their life mate chosen or is it also the men now? I realize that it may differ from country to country but I am very much interested in the reasoning behind the continuation of arranged marriages?
17 people like this
18 responses
@Platespinner (16520)
• Winston Salem, North Carolina
10 Feb 16
I'm glad I'm not responsible for arranging the marriages of my children--child rearing is too easy to screw up as it is. I'm also glad my parents weren't responsible for arranging my marriage--they definitely did NOT approve of my choice .
4 people like this
• United States
11 Feb 16
My family usually does butt into the relationships of their relatives. They didn't butt in so much in mine and my exes relationship but I have to say I almost wished they had. When I say "butt in" I do not mean that they try to break us apart, but that they do not approve of the match.
2 people like this
• Winston Salem, North Carolina
11 Feb 16
@ScribbledAdNauseum I don't think my parents actually approved of any of the spouses my siblings and I chose...
2 people like this
• United States
11 Feb 16
@Platespinner It's just the way of things. Our parents want better for us than what they *think* our spouses are.
2 people like this
@Shiva49 (13049)
• Singapore
10 Feb 16
Arranged marriages were practiced in India and even now prevalent but parents have wised up. Normally, it works like it did for me nearly forty years ago. It is more of family union. Parents look for eligible matches within their community, social circle, so that the relationship is on even keel. I met my wife along with my family and we had a private chat. Then we departed to let know whether to proceed. I saw only one girl who is my wife for nearly forty years. Normally the union survived even on agree to disagree basis and the divorces were hardly heard of. Now things are almost same everywhere. In India, educated boys and girls do make own choices and parents "leave them to their own devices" rather than get blamed later. It is said arranged marriages lead to "love after marriage" and for love marriages "before"! Even in arranged marriages the couple make independent decisions like we did all along. All marriages within my close circle have survived the test of time - siva
3 people like this
• United States
10 Feb 16
I have also heard that people "learn to love" after an arranged marriage commences. So it is still very much to do with social standing, atleast as far as marriages arranged in India are concerned.
4 people like this
@Shiva49 (13049)
• Singapore
10 Feb 16
@ScribbledAdNauseum Now it is no more hush hush and the couple has a say, but there are the exceptions that get highlighted. Girls, especially, have put their foot down against this practice - siva .
3 people like this
@vandana7 (65091)
• India
10 Feb 16
Here is a statistics for you...my father's older brother, married for monies, suffered with inferiority complex about his wife's lack of looks and accomplishment, became a drunkard. My father's older sister, married off in a hurry to her cousin as back in those days lifespan was less 50 was considered great, so she was married off the guy turned out to be a gambler. My father's second older sister, they could not afford dowries for her, got her a match, which was second marriage. Things apparently did not work out, even though there were no children from first marriage. It is said that she was killed. Coming to dad's generation, dad's marriage was a failure. Dad's nephew, sister's son one of the again became a gambler. Dad's nephew brother's son, divorced, dad's niece from sister's side has a son who is not up to mark, and nearly broke his marriage. Given such appalling statistics, I am inclined to say, the arranged marriage system does not work here.
2 people like this
@Shavkat (62774)
• Philippines
10 Feb 16
I think it is in the culture. I had once lived in a Muslim country. We have the same perception about fixed marriage. I had asked this to a local person. According to him, their mothers are the one looking for the right for them. They cannot refuse since it would be a big disgrace to the family. It is not also based on the money, but they are looking for a woman who can be submissive to their husband forever.
3 people like this
• United States
11 Feb 16
I thought that, atleast in some cultures, it would be considered disgraceful to refuse a match. I have noticed one big difference between families here and families in other countries. It seems that here in the USA we tend to be independent from our families, whereas in other countries they depend on the family in many ways.
2 people like this
@Daljinder (21591)
• India
11 Feb 16
@Shavkat Disgracefull Ha! Such people are the ones that I call the "stuck-ups" with stick up their a**. lol
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (21591)
• India
11 Feb 16
@ScribbledAdNauseum Yes, here children does not branch out of their families the minute they turn eighteen. The concept of joint families is very well spread all over the country. Now there is emergence of nuclear families too.
1 person likes this
@Asylum (48281)
• Manchester, England
10 Feb 16
This is something that we are never likely to fully understand. Our family and social cultures are extremely distinct to each other, so we are not in any real position to appreciate the structure of such arrangements.
2 people like this
• United States
10 Feb 16
I suppose not, and I imagine that many respond would be out to defend the culture instead of explaining it better. I don't condemn them the right, I just don't quite understand it either.
2 people like this
@Asylum (48281)
• Manchester, England
10 Feb 16
@ScribbledAdNauseum I have known a few people who had arranged marriages and even attended the wedding ceremony of one friend many years ago, but ever thought about asking the question.
2 people like this
• United States
10 Feb 16
@Asylum I don't blame you that, hardly the circumstance to ask.
2 people like this
@MALUSE (40330)
• Germany
10 Feb 16
A girl from Egypt told me that grown-ups have better judgement and aren't blinded by infatuation. She also pointed out that the Western system obviously isn't better what with the many divorces. Many Turks marry first cousins. The argument for this is that one knows the family and avoids negative surprises.
2 people like this
• United States
10 Feb 16
I can't say I disagree with her. There are many divorces here. I was once married myself. As for cousins marrying? It is still practiced here in the States. I won't say people are proudly proclaiming the union, but I know of a few incidents of marriage to one's cousin.
2 people like this
@MALUSE (40330)
• Germany
10 Feb 16
@ScribbledAdNauseum Sadly, marrying one's cousin can result in disabled children.
2 people like this
@marguicha (94995)
• Chile
10 Feb 16
@MALUSE Or not. Human genes are so many that we can never know for sure.
1 person likes this
@Fishmomma (11504)
• United States
10 Feb 16
I know that many arranged marriages are successful and living in a country where many people get divorced maybe more marriages would last, if the parents had a say. I'm not sure, but all of my closest friends are married and several were arranged marriages. Many times its to make sure money isn't a huge problem and being sure there the female marries somebody that takes good care of her and makes sure the future children will have everything needed at the time. My husband talked to my father and received my fathers blessing for our marriage. We have been married a long time and are quite happy. I think its important to listen and be willing to change when needed. Many people just get a divorce when the road gets hard and you really have to both be willing to work out issues. Yes, there are couples where one side just won't listen and that is sad to me.
2 people like this
• United States
11 Feb 16
My marriage broke apart though I did try to save it. I tried to get him to talk to me but outside influences were already causing him to close up on the subject. Looking back now, I can't say that I completely liked how it all ended but I see that it was for the best anyway. I think that people go into marriage very lightly now. I can't say that I would appreciate a match made for me by a family member though.
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (21591)
• India
11 Feb 16
@ScribbledAdNauseum THAT is what is different here somewhat. I mean here people does not go into marriage lightly at all. They marry with the mindset to stick through it in thick and thin no matter what. But some situations like abuse, dowry, cheating does break up the marriage.
1 person likes this
@TRBRocks420 (77753)
• Banks, Oregon
10 Feb 16
I think arranged marriages are because parents don't trust their children, to make good choices, but either way. I don't agree with them, they are normal in many countries still though.
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Feb 16
I don't know that it has ever been because of a dis-trust. It's a valid theory though.
1 person likes this
@TRBRocks420 (77753)
• Banks, Oregon
11 Feb 16
@ScribbledAdNauseum It has always been that in my opinion and, also money.
2 people like this
• United States
11 Feb 16
@TRBRocks420 Monetary I can agree with. I won't say that it's the reason it happens today but it definitely seemed to be the way years ago.
1 person likes this
@amnabas (10298)
• Karachi, Pakistan
10 Feb 16
Yes we do follow here arrange marriage tradition.
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Feb 16
Are dowry's still given?
1 person likes this
@MALUSE (40330)
• Germany
10 Feb 16
Can you explain which thoughts are behind this? This is what the discussion is about.
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (21591)
• India
11 Feb 16
@ScribbledAdNauseum Dowry is outlawed in our country i. e. India. But like most other laws some people try to violate it and sometimes succeed it. So, yes it is present in certain parts of the country. But not everywhere. Nowadays if a women files a case against this practise the whole in-law family goes behind the bars for a long time.
1 person likes this
@Tampa_girl7 (25722)
• United States
11 Feb 16
I'm glad that I had a choice in whom to marry.
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Feb 16
We have never been exposed to having our parents choose the partner for us. I can see why it would be done in the historical sense of it. One user below said that another person once told them it was because the parents would see things in a practical manner and not a lovestruck manner.
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (21591)
• India
11 Feb 16
@ScribbledAdNauseum According to what I have seen and known, the reasons behind arrange marriages, I find are as follows:- Age old tradition: I don't think that needs explanation. Busy lifestyle: The busy schedule of youngsters leave them no time for pursuing any relationship. Laziness: Lol!! Yeah funny reason but its true. Some just don't want to bother with the whole process of looking and dating and what not. So, they leave that whole thing on the parental unit. Co-dependency: Since we are already dependent on each other and trust our parents like no other we leave it to them to look for prospective matches. Fear of unknown: Sounds dreary lol But I meant that we fear going into Love marriages. Maybe due to that it is ingrained in us from early age to not to pursue such relationships.
@JESSY3236 (6536)
• United States
10 Feb 16
I think it's just tradition. I don't understand either.
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Feb 16
It is tradition but I imagine there is somewhat of a deeper meaning there somewhere. I am curious by nature and would love to know why.
2 people like this
@Daljinder (21591)
• India
11 Feb 16
@JESSY @ScribbledAdNauseum What is not to understand here?? Okay let me explain it this way.....hmm.... How do you go looking for an eligible partner? You date...... get to know each other... things work out then good...didn't work out..... You look for another......... Right?? In arrange marriages, the looking out part falls on parents or elders........ You meet the person...... get to know each other..... things work out then good..... didn't work out....... lol... Here comes another mailed prospective partner... Ultimately choice is yours..... That is what arrange marriage is truly about......
1 person likes this
@Lucky15 (33382)
• Philippines
10 Feb 16
I just read an article about arranged marriage. It is indeed differ from one country to another. What i read was like...an arranged but the woman can really make a choice if she will marry the man or not
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Feb 16
So it was an "offer" but not one set in stone?
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (21591)
• India
11 Feb 16
@ScribbledAdNauseum Yes, kind of. Its not like parents just bring a match home and demand that you marry him or her. I am a girl and single. I have been introduced to couple of guys as a prospective life-partner. My family arranged the meetings. They left the choice to me. I have yet to meet someone that I would like to marry. I wasn't forced into marrying anyone if I don't like the person or don't find us compatible. I am not going to just marry anyone. My family knows that and respects that.
1 person likes this
@Morleyhunt (19750)
• Canada
10 Feb 16
I'm so glad that I was not subject to an arranged marriage. My parents did not like him when they first met him. They were not really approving when we got married. We've been married for 40 years. Yes, we've had a few bumps in the road, but we are still happy together and working towards our future.
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Feb 16
I was married once. It was not arranged, obviously, but it wasn't a good match either. I wished to try to make things work and he did not. I can't say I regret the divorce though. I hope for many more years for you.
2 people like this
@Daljinder (21591)
• India
11 Feb 16
@Morleyhunt @dodo19 Lol!! Sorry but "subject" is a harsh word to use. If you consider young girls in early teens or even younger being sold off to marry a guy three times her age. Now THAT is subject to a harsh life. I am not going to defend arrange marriages since I don't care what kind of marriage it is- love or arrange. Doesn't really care about it. But I do believe that people have some wrong misconceptions about arrange marriages. Is that based on the bad cases that is highlighted through media or something?
2 people like this
@shshiju (10492)
• Cochin, India
11 Feb 16
If you love some one you can shift your wedding from love marriage to arrange marriage with the consent of both parents.
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (21591)
• India
11 Feb 16
@shshiju Yeah true.... Get the consent.. And it becomes arranged.lol
1 person likes this
@marguicha (94995)
• Chile
10 Feb 16
Other cultures are very difficult to understand. We can only respect them. I cannot even understand the health use of some food in some countries although I love to cook.
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Feb 16
You are right about that. I can't say I understand the foods that we are allowed to eat here in America. Things that are put in our food here but banned in several other countries. I don't understand that myself.
2 people like this
@scheng1 (24800)
• Singapore
10 Feb 16
I am fortunate to live in a place where free love and arranged marriage are both acceptable. There is a saying in many cultures that say that the two families must be of equal social standing. Arrange marriage works on this concept. They choose the families, and among the families of the same social status, they will find someone for their son or daughter.
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (21591)
• India
11 Feb 16
@scheng1 Arrange marriages does not depend on social standing... Its people's own personal mindset into play.... Every parent wants a civilized, educated, well-mannered, established life-partner for a their child.. The social status, according to me, is just something stuck-ups believe in.....
@dodo19 (32909)
• Beaconsfield, Quebec
10 Feb 16
I was not subject to it. My husband and I got married because we loved each other and wanted to. I'm still not 100% sure how my parents feel about him, or the fact that we got married young, to whatnot, but they do tolerate him, and respect our decision, to say the least. Either way, it was our decision. Although I don't follow the whole arranged marriage thing, I do respect those who do still practice this tradition.
1 person likes this
• United States
10 Feb 16
I was married once myself, and I was young. I was around 22 when I got married, and 24 when I divorced. Age is not the factor that people need to keep keen on. It's that the two people love each other and believe in working through things that does.
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (21591)
• India
11 Feb 16
Hey!! I already answered many of the questions in the other responses and comments. But still if you need to ask more you can ask. I will gladly answer them.........
1 person likes this
@divalounger (2252)
• United States
11 Feb 16
I don't pretend to understand this issue--but I expect that its roots are buried in culture. My parents were old world Russian--had I been born 50 years earlier, no doubt there would have been attempts at an arranged marriage for me--and I am glad I was born later!