Critique needed :)

zombie, fear, horror, death, fiction
By DJ
@Daljinder (22196)
India
March 3, 2016 5:33am CST
So after procrastinating for a while, I have finally found the courage to put up a very small part of the long story I have written. I need your feedback on it. Let me know your HONEST opinions on it please........ It is a zombie fiction..... So, not everyone is going to be interested. No worries about that. But kindly spare a moment and point out the errors, if any, in the way I write putting aside the subject. I will greatly appreciate it. Okay so, this is from the point of view of the male lead. It is based in USA as a back setup. Remember that, this is a fiction. Here we go.... ******* I sighed bored and picked up the remote to flip through the channels on T.V. “……..the strange sickness hits a large number of people showing symptoms like nausea, spitting blood, strange cravings, and change in …..” Rolling my eyes I changed the channel. “……….the CDC investigation had confirmed the causal organism as an unknown virus. Rumors have it that it was used as a bio-weapon…………” I sighed frustrated with the same thing being broadcasted by every news channel over and over. “……..Over fifteen states had now been confirmed showing people with the signs of mysterious illness……” I sighed again probably for the millionth time it seems. I had been lazing around on my sofa, munching on the chips and slurping on the smoothie. I still had some packing to do. I should have been on the road by now. But no, I am still here at my Condo in Gold Coast, Chicago. “…..All communications and transports with other countries had been shut down. The states affected had been quarantined. The government had already called in military back up……….” “…..suspects Zombie Outbreak…” I scoffed openly and switched the damn thing off. I mean Zombies? Really, what was next? Hobbits or the dragons? “Friggin’ idiots” I muttered and shook my head. Some people called in sick and the doctors couldn’t figure things out. So what do we know next? It’s the end of the friggin’ world. ****** So, what do you say? (Photo by Pixabay and edited by me.)
20 people like this
17 responses
@irishidid (8734)
• United States
3 Mar 16
You want a critique, not a review. I like the way you start out. Need to get rid of the unnecessary words ie "Now I scoffed openly... " The "now" is unnecessary. Make sure your sentences are complete and make sense. Needs a bit of work but all in all not bad. Good job.
3 people like this
@Daljinder (22196)
• India
3 Mar 16
Alright another error corrected. Thanks for pointing that out. Thanks!
@thesids (22357)
• Bhubaneswar, India
3 Mar 16
I should have seen this coming.... You read too much Q. Werent the Vampires, Draculas, Ghosts, Witches good enough
2 people like this
@Daljinder (22196)
• India
3 Mar 16
There is always a scope for learning and messing up with more fictional beings........
2 people like this
@thesids (22357)
• Bhubaneswar, India
3 Mar 16
@Daljinder Do they have classes on me too
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (22196)
• India
3 Mar 16
@thesids Oh yeah!! @VivaLaDani13 is conducting those classes. I assist her some times. BUT they are very expensive to enroll into. Are you sure you can afford them? You have to sell your soul to the myLot admin (Satan).
@TRBRocks420 (84694)
• Banks, Oregon
3 Mar 16
I would say so far so good, if I heard Zombies were coming. I would head to the store and, then barricade myself inside the house with my family lol.
2 people like this
@Daljinder (22196)
• India
3 Mar 16
Dude! But for how long?? Zombies never get tired. They never stop. They don't die on their own. They will start accumulating in one place. Their number would keep on increasing outside of your house with every day that goes by. They can smell fresh blood and your flesh is luring them in. Every little noise is noticed by them. And this isn't even the worst thing about them........ Now what would ya do? Muwahahahaa....!!
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (22196)
• India
3 Mar 16
@TRBRocks420 That would do too. Until the ammo runs out. *sigh* You need to be better prepared.
2 people like this
@Daljinder (22196)
• India
3 Mar 16
@Mike197602 Oh yeah, I hear .22 caliber is the most common in USA. And those Texans have their own special weapons..lol The rifles.
1 person likes this
@pumpkinjam (5800)
• United Kingdom
3 Mar 16
Sounds like a good start. There are some places where things could be clearer but I assume you'll be editing anyway. Not that it needs much editing, just a couple of long sentences which could be made clearer and sharper, if you understand what I mean, One thing, though, if you don't mind me saying - I think it would be better to replace the world 'several' with a large number. It would give it more impact. By the way, one of the many 'hats' I wear is that of an editor. :)
2 people like this
@Daljinder (22196)
• India
3 Mar 16
Friggin' A I hit the jackpot. I found an editor.... *squeal* Lol... Thanks a lot!! I do not mind at all you suggesting anything. I want to improve my writing and get published someday. This is kind of my attempt at taking a chance at finding out how people would react to my writings. So, feel free to point out any grammatical errors or any improvements. It is all good with me. I made some corrections as you suggested....... You can check it out. :)
1 person likes this
• United Kingdom
3 Mar 16
@Daljinder I think I need to improve on my own skills. I meant to replace 'several' with, for example, 10 million, not literally 'a large number! Sorry, that was me being unclear. Not that there's anything wrong with what you've put :) I'll keep a look out for your work and offer you anything I think will help. :)
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (22196)
• India
3 Mar 16
@pumpkinjam Ah! okay... No worries about that. And thanks for the help. Looking forward to more helpful suggestions in future.
@Mike197602 (13937)
• United Kingdom
3 Mar 16
Honestly???...it reads like a screenplay or a play. Is it part of a novel or novella? If so then it needs to read as such which it doesn't at the moment.
2 people like this
@Mike197602 (13937)
• United Kingdom
3 Mar 16
@Daljinder Yes, in a novel I'd suggest the sounds are removed as single bits of text but they could be described. It needs more filling out with descriptions of things. I'd suggest if you're looking to sell the book at some stage you maybe should think of something that gives a different slant on the zombie genre. I do like zombie stuff so hopefully you'll keep going so when you get famous I can boast to my friends that I read the first bits of your story
2 people like this
@Daljinder (22196)
• India
3 Mar 16
@Mike197602 The description is there further along the chapter. This is like a small paragraph out of a single chapter. Okay so sound parts would be taken care of... I don't know about publishing it. It depends on the response I get from here. And yes I have 10 chapters written already. I think if I shared only first chapter like this in parts. It would take about 7-10 discussions or maybe more. lol
1 person likes this
@scheng1 (24741)
• Singapore
3 Mar 16
Is this the start? You can change it into a non-zombie virus too. I think Michael Crichton and Tom Clancy had written about a bio-weapon. Tom Clancy managed to combine Eloba with flu virus, and turn it into a deadly virus that has a high kill rate.
2 people like this
@Daljinder (22196)
• India
3 Mar 16
@scheng1 Hey! :) Yes this is the start. I already have 10 chapters written with 12-16 pages each. This is a very small part of it... I looked into Tom Clancy and found his work "The Andromeda Stain". I think I am going to study it. Thanks a lot for the suggestion.
@LadyDuck (183314)
• Switzerland
3 Mar 16
I do not like zombies, but I decided to read your post, just to give you my opinion. I would shorten the paragraphs where you are lazing on the sofa slurping, this interrupts the story.
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (22196)
• India
3 Mar 16
Done....... Thank you for your opinion even though you have no fondness for zombies. That makes me more grateful. I am actually asking critique for my writing. The subject is just an example.
1 person likes this
@LadyDuck (183314)
• Switzerland
3 Mar 16
@Daljinder Your short novel is well written, so I suggest you to write more.
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (22196)
• India
3 Mar 16
@LadyDuck This is not a short one exactly. This is just a very small part of 15 pages long chapter. And I have written 10 chapters in total as of yet... Thanks :)
1 person likes this
@allknowing (70977)
• India
4 Mar 16
I did not find any substance per se to comment. Your approach seemed too informal.
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (22196)
• India
4 Mar 16
Could you explain what you are saying? Sorry I didn't actually get it..... If its not a bother??
@allknowing (70977)
• India
4 Mar 16
@Daljinder Sorry but I did not find any substance to comment on What exactly do you want to know - is it your style of writing and that i have said seems informal. Beyond this I canot contribute. I have never done this type of work before.
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (22196)
• India
4 Mar 16
@allknowing Alright ... No worries :)
@vandana7 (68713)
• India
3 Mar 16
You talking about my cousins? They are nice folks Porridge...I never had any issues with them... Now as to your content..I humbly state...my skills are inadequate. :)
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (22196)
• India
3 Mar 16
Oh my God for a moment I thought you were talking about your real life cousins. Then it hit me that you were talking in the sense considering you are Vampire Queen. Sorry, my bad. No worries about the topic. I am wishing to get a decent feedback and want to improve my work. May be even get a confidence boost so that I could move ahead and get myself published. I have several plots running through my head and they are kind of getting annoying now.. Lol So, I thought to take the plunge here on myLot... Let's see how this goes... :)
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (68713)
• India
3 Mar 16
@Daljinder ..Yeah..lack of emoticons always gets me into soup...but hey it also gets others in to some.....
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (22196)
• India
3 Mar 16
@vandana7 Aww.. Lol It sure does..
1 person likes this
@inertia4 (27784)
• United States
22 May 16
I think this could be a wonderful story. I like what I read so far. And I think you have talent as well. Keep it up. Lets us all know when this story is complete. Maybe we can read it here or somewhere else.
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (22196)
• India
26 May 16
@inertia4 Thank you! The story is in progress but I don't think I can post it here. It's rather long. lol
1 person likes this
@inertia4 (27784)
• United States
27 May 16
@Daljinder Okay. But you can post it in chapters or installments. Good luck with it.
1 person likes this
@just4him (128987)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
3 Mar 16
It's good. You do need some help with it. Watch your tenses. You're mixing first and third together in the same sentence. Keep it to third person. It works best. In your second bold statement from the television news cast it should be Rumors have not has. Otherwise this is good and no, I'm not a Zombie person but I know how important a critique is. I hope this helped.
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (22196)
• India
4 Mar 16
I got the tenses one noted... I will check them out. But I didn't understand mixing first and third? Are you talking about first person(I, we) and the third person(He, she, they)? Or first form of verb or second form? News statement corrected.... Thanks for pointing all of these out. I agree critique is important. Without an honest one I can't improve myself. And I want to improve.
1 person likes this
@just4him (128987)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
4 Mar 16
@Daljinder First and third as in first and third person.
1 person likes this
@pgiblett (6576)
• Canada
3 Mar 16
Is this the beginning? It seems a good way to bring people into the story.
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (22196)
• India
3 Mar 16
Yes this is the beginning. I am trying to get the feel around how people take to my writing regardless of the subject/genre.
1 person likes this
@pgiblett (6576)
• Canada
3 Mar 16
@Daljinder It gives a sense of frustration, perhaps the hope that there may be something better.
1 person likes this
@VivaLaDani13 (22552)
• Perth, Australia
25 May 16
Don't leave me hanging! What happens next?! lol Seriously, I am already intrigued. I want to know what happens once he leaves his condo. Where is he heading? And if he will counter any zombies and AHHHH SEND ME THE NEXT PART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My friend in Adelaide started a story of her own and I was SO intrigued but she stopped. So sad because it was really good. And plus it bugged my OCD lol I feel incomplete not knowing the rest of the story. Yes I am easily amused but this was really interesting to me! And also because I like zombie things. I was reading a few of what other people had to say about your style of writing, I see the points they are making. I didn't think much about HOW you wrote it. I mean I am good at picking up spelling mistakes and poor use of grammar ( which I didn't see in your story ) but I am not really all that good at looking for any other type of faults. Again, I am just easily amused and this was too interesting for me to think of how it was worded. I will just say I really like it so far and was honestly bummed out when it stopped.
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (22196)
• India
26 May 16
@VivaLadani13 Thank you! Will think about sharing. lol I wrote this one years ago. I am 10 chapters in with almost 6000 words chapter each. It needs some editing and I have better alterations in mind for the plot. I wrote the story because even though I liked Twilight book series, I did not like the character's traits. Then I was intrigued with zombies and such. So, I kind of put my interpretations of Twilight characters into zombie infested world.
1 person likes this
@SIMPLYD (85024)
• Philippines
8 Mar 16
I don't have an imaginative mind when it comes to horror movies nor books. Though , i would like it to end nicely where the zombies were killed.
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (22196)
• India
8 Mar 16
For human kind to survive and re-establish their dominance, it has to be one...
1 person likes this
@RussTeed (1503)
• United States
4 Mar 16
I am not a zombie fan, but this is well written.
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (22196)
• India
4 Mar 16
Okay.. Thanks!! :)
@jaboUK (55198)
• United Kingdom
3 Mar 16
The minute you said it was zombie fiction I was going to go away, but as it is you, and you asked so nicely, I read it. If it's a novel I wouldn't put the 'slurps' etc. in there as they just interrupt the flow, in my opinion.
1 person likes this
@DianneN (88397)
• United States
3 Mar 16
Not my type of story, but it may interest others. I'd check the capitalization and punctuation, as well as overuse of adjectives. Keep in mind that I am not an editor!
1 person likes this
@Daljinder (22196)
• India
3 Mar 16
Okay.. Duly noted
1 person likes this