depression and anxiety

@sissy15 (5762)
United States
March 9, 2016 9:01am CST
Sometimes I worry about my past mistakes coming back to haunt me or the people I care about. Some days I feel like I am a failure, or that I'm not really where I want or need to be. I feel like I fail more than I succeed, and some days I just want to give up, and I think sometimes I do. Sometimes I let the depression get to me, and I just don't want to get out of bed. My depression hasn't been severe in a really long time, usually it's fairly mild, but sometimes I feel like it consumes me, between that and my anxiety I really hate dealing with people most days. Sometimes it takes everything I have just to function. A lot of the people around me don't take me seriously. They think everything is all in my head and that gets to me, and makes everything worse. They look at me like I'm just making things up when I mention that I need to see someone eventually. They are the very reason I feel bad about wanting to get help. I don't understand why some people don't take mental health seriously. Regardless each day I continue to keep moving even if I don't want to, and some days I'm more productive than others. My biggest worry is how this will take its toll on my son, he doesn't always understand why mommy is more present some days than others. The way I've come to see it though, is that each day I'm alive I have a chance to make things better and make things right. I have to keep getting up and forcing myself to be there and be present. I want my son to look back with pleasant childhood memories, I need for him to have good memories. I have found I've found myself getting worse since I've been living at my mom's, because I try to avoid her like the plague. I'm tired of being made to feel guilty about every little thing. I have never felt like more of a failure than I do around her. She is always telling me how I SHOULD be doing things. It gets to me, so I hide. My mom is a great person, and I doubt she realizes the way she makes me feel, but even if I tell her she will deny it, I should know because that's how everything in the past has gone. It does no good talking to her, because when I do she gets defensive and makes me feel even worse than I already did. I have issues, and maybe that makes her feel like a failure as a parent and that's why she doesn't want to believe it, I don't know. I just know that I'm tired of being made to feel like this is all me crying out for attention or something. She seems to think I am just making it all up, or at least that's how she makes me feel. I know my family talks about me when I'm not around. Some days I'd love to move away from everyone. One day I'll get to where I want, and I need to keep myself thinking positive despite my depression and anxiety telling me not to. There are days things are easier than others. Anyone who has to live with either knows what I'm talking about. There's part of me that is optimistic, but often times it's hard for me to show that part of myself. I really have no control of how I feel or when I feel it. I just know that everyday is a new day, and I'm going to have to start making changes in my life to get somewhere better.
3 people like this
5 responses
• Delhi, India
11 Mar 16
Beautifully written thoughts. Relax. Everyone goes through such phase and emotions. Everything has to happen on time. Worrying and thinking about the same things is anyways not the solution.
@sissy15 (5762)
• United States
11 Mar 16
Thank you, and I try, but anxiety is what makes me go over every little thing, I can't seem to help myself.
• United States
9 Mar 16
I feel you my friend. For a start, you are living with Mom, which I can understand makes things harder for you ... Been there, done that. When depression is severe, it is crippling, and I also understand your concerns for your son during this time. It does rub off on the dear little ones, for they dont know what is wrong. I wish you all the very best Keisha and I am so sorry you suffer with this. I do also and nearly always have all my life. It is a real fight. It is important to have support and we are here for you friend.
@sissy15 (5762)
• United States
11 Mar 16
Thank you, it's always good to know I'm not alone. Thankfully I do have some support. My boyfriend is very supportive, and he tries to understand. He suffers with it a bit himself, but not as bad as I do.
1 person likes this
@rina110383 (24065)
9 Mar 16
Be strong and stay positive for your son. He needs you.
@sissy15 (5762)
• United States
11 Mar 16
I do my best.
1 person likes this
@sjvg1976 (18388)
• Delhi, India
9 Mar 16
Of course you will reach where you want to one day. Start thinking positive and indulge yourself in things which interest you . Keep yourself busy and you will find yourself relaxed.
@sissy15 (5762)
• United States
11 Mar 16
I do the best I can, but with anxiety it makes it difficult to stay positive. I can be a very optimistic person on my good days, but other days are difficult.
@Shavkat (66910)
• Philippines
9 Mar 16
Better yet, start to love yourself. Forget all the hang ups from the past. There is no need to linger from it.
@sissy15 (5762)
• United States
11 Mar 16
That's a lot easier said than done when you are living with severe anxiety. It's not something I can really help most days, I try, but unfortunately I can only do so much.