Friends are a Product of Circumstances

Friendship
@Shiva49 (12947)
Singapore
March 29, 2016 8:46am CST
I have friendships that have survived the test of time though very few from childhood days. I connect with them but time has taken its toll in some ways. We have not much to talk as common interests have dwindled and our families are strangers to each other. When young we were on the same boat of uncertainty as to what the future held for us but now it is looking back on lives that had taken different routes. So tough to connect emotionally with old days when we had much in common. Once we are married our lives take a certain course with new friendships and then at work those we meet mostly to agree to disagree to survive and earn a living. We do not want to upset the apple cart and try to work as a team. Then there are the few out to torpedo the boat of common destiny. But we manage to survive adjusting to stormy waters. I have more of well-wishers who are ready to help each other than friends with whom I share the ups and downs of my life. For those who approach me I try to go out of the way to help as I put myself in their shoes. I have seen in life we help some and others help us. Help has come from unknown quarters as I am loath to approach friends and relatives for help. How are you placed in terms of friendship? How do you take the term? Is it just superficial or go deeper to get involved deeply to an extent their problem becomes ours? As for me, I never refuse any chance to help as altruistic deeds give me great fulfillment. I am rather circumspect initially but tend to get involved over time. When we rise to the occasion to extend our hand of help beyond our circle of family and friends we show that humanity triumphs in the end. It is just imploring us to come out of our shell.
16 people like this
19 responses
• United States
29 Mar 16
I feel that I do have a side of me that is more compassionate in life and try to use it well when I can, though the opportunity does not present well for me, I enjoy it. Friends are not present in life in real time, it is because of moving so much, the tides ebbing and flowing, moving me, not by choice, no roots, thus no friends. Despite this, I have memories to carry me a for a lifetime and more.
5 people like this
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
29 Mar 16
I do take stock of those I can rely on in times of emergencies but when we have a system in place to tide over desperate situations they can be relied upon more. We all have childhood friends but slowly they fade away as circumstances change - siva
3 people like this
• United States
29 Mar 16
@Shiva49 It is a great blessing to have those you can rely on ..
3 people like this
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
29 Mar 16
@TiarasOceanView Blessed are those willing to help those in need - siva
3 people like this
@Lucky15 (33386)
• Philippines
29 Mar 16
that is nice of you sir. friendship is helping each other, not just with something material but also with spiritual too, or moral :)
4 people like this
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
29 Mar 16
Yes I agree - if spiritually, we have no self-interest and without borders. We should channel our time and energy into positiveness to uplift humanity as true co-creators - in fact, that will go to unify us - siva
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Mar 16
Yes, I don't want friends saying they are happy when they truly are not and that happens a lot these days. It is as if people are just expected to work and not really live life. Maybe some can't afford to live life, have a day off. How we feel really does affect us as people so that to me is important. Truly knowing how my friends feel.
2 people like this
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
30 Mar 16
@WendySpickerman Yes, some are likely to bottle up their emotions thinking others do not care but there are the few who do care to keep them in mind and help when possible. At workplace too we can see the work load is lopsided with few having to carry the burden of those who are expert in pushing their work to others. We should watch out for those in distress, suffering silently - siva
1 person likes this
@jaboUK (53919)
• United Kingdom
29 Mar 16
You are a very nice man Siva - anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend. The older I get the less friends I have - they die off or move away.
3 people like this
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
30 Mar 16
Thank you Jabo for your kind words. I try my best not to let down others though may not volunteer to help. We are all in the same boat and that shows the oneness of humanity! I keep an open mind and chip in whenever I can to help those in need tough I should do much better!
2 people like this
@ptrikha_2 (8273)
• India
31 Mar 16
@Shiva49 Yet you need to be careful of those who might take your help but cause trouble in some form later on.
1 person likes this
@ptrikha_2 (8273)
• India
5 Apr 16
@Shiva49 Most of the times, trust is a bigger hit, and some even change friends, because someone is no more useful to them in getting career advancement or getting things moving for them, i.e not worthy of a good return on investment(ROI) in crude terms.
1 person likes this
@scheng1 (24801)
• Singapore
29 Mar 16
I have a very narrow definition of friendship. For me, most people are casual acquaintance, and some are just colleagues. That means these are people we seldom call socially.
3 people like this
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
29 Mar 16
I remember earlier days when friends counted high up in our list but now its is a hurried life with flippant attitudes and little time to know each other. Friends are no more like previous times as face-to-face time is getting less and it is more of social networking. So there is a sort of sea-change to the term! siva
1 person likes this
@mommaj (22768)
• United States
30 Mar 16
@scheng1 I am in agreement with your view of friendship. Some people you may talk to randomly, but it doesn't mean you want them in your house.
1 person likes this
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
31 Mar 16
@mommaj I think of earlier days when we had quality time to spend with others - now it is more of hi and bye - siva
@destimona (1930)
• Luxembourg, Luxembourg
29 Mar 16
One best friend is equal to a library.
3 people like this
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
29 Mar 16
Tough to get a friend like that nowadays - siva
2 people like this
@destimona (1930)
• Luxembourg, Luxembourg
29 Mar 16
@Shiva49 That's true. I am blessed with a friend like that.
2 people like this
@salonga (27993)
• Philippines
29 Mar 16
I think we live in this world not just for ourselves but for others as well. So it is always good go extend help and always be ready to do that. The good things we do will always come back to us anyway.
3 people like this
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
30 Mar 16
It is better for us too that others are well and lead a meaningful life; we should help each other and that is humanity in action. A change in attitude will change our life. Yes, we are helping ourselves too when we help others - siva
2 people like this
@thesids (22358)
• Bhubaneswar, India
29 Mar 16
Real life friends? none. Online friends - quite a bunch and almost all from MyLot. And these friends know more about me than my family or even the people I know in real world. In real life, no one stayed in touch with me after school and no one was around when I needed them and then when they wanted to, I had moved beyond, with zero need of them in any state/situation. The same for many of my extended family (maternal and paternal). In my opinion, relationships are all about take and give (and not the other way round give and take). If you cannot take, you will not be given anything.
2 people like this
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
29 Mar 16
I understand your point of view but there are the few who still go out of the way. I agree it is better not to depend on relatives as we are harshly judged. We get hit below the belt even! Though some try to revive old friendships through school/college reunions, I find they are not for people like me. It is still rather superficial and causes misery at times. I know some just take and take, and the term "give and take" is taken as one giving and the other taking! siva
1 person likes this
@thesids (22358)
• Bhubaneswar, India
29 Mar 16
@Shiva49 It (being without friends/family) is not a healthy thing for sure, because inherently, humans are social animals. But then, what does one do when things dont turn the right way. i shunned off those relatives just because during those long 8 months when I was on the bed with only my wife to care for, earn and even do everything to keep us alive, none of them cared to even call up and ask if we were okay or needed anything. Not that we would have asked any help as they all know, I am very strict and have a high ego - no matter what I will never ask for help. And no, I wasnt this way from day one. If you find some older discussions here, you will find my responses where I have mentioned, I literally have gone out of my way to keep relationships alive. I even ignored my parents wishes to keep them alive. But those 8 months made me realize where I stand, what I had been chasing and what is the end result. School College friends - they too always have deserted me. In fact some of them created more hurdles than anything else. I got framed up once by two of my school classmates. Now, I think, I have grown in age, matured enough to realize who has priority and also been able to identify what the "fake" relationships are. So my rule of thumb now has been... if you are in sight, all good. Maybe we can stay as friends. You move out, and there is no reason I should get back to you. I agree that this is not just all good, because at times you just need a friend whom you can confide in, look up for help in terms of advice. Glad that I have some beautiful souls here at MyLot who have been there for me.
3 people like this
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
30 Mar 16
@thesids I understand what you have gone through. As for myself, most are indifferent due to their own family commitments, some might think I have an easy life while others are like me - eager to extend their hand of friendship and help but without putting themselves to harm. I feel you should just carry on as some might have had personal issues to behave the way they did. Once you reconnect with them, it may not be good old times but on agree to disagree basis. I want to have at least a superficial relationship all the time but able to rekindle the feelings when necessary. People know I will help if possible. Of course, better that we do not go for financial dealings with relatives, even siblings, as priorities change. All relationships are tested during tough times and then we know who our real friends are and those having a compassionate heart. I take care not to be found wanting to help those I know who need help. The best way is never to expect help but no harm in asking when needed. At least we tried as we know few who would tell later - why you didn't ask. My general take is don't expect anything and whatever we get then is a bonus. My reply to your situation is - never lose hope on humanity as there are many looking to help those in need and they keep us afloat during tough times that none are spared - siva
2 people like this
@innertalks (4177)
• Australia
30 Mar 16
My best friend was my dog!
What is friendship about? To me, life essentially is mostly about our connecting, and about how we connect, to others in our lives. Friendship is a part of this process. Friendship in a sense is about the reliability of the connection. This connection must be strongly enough based on resourcefulness of effort, being matched by an unconditional love response to all outcomes and connective thrusts alluding to that connection. This connection must be constantly met and re-met again with this type of love, for friendship not based on love, always grows cold, in the end, I think.
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
30 Mar 16
Good to see you again Steve after a hiatus. I feel the sincerity of purpose underlines the friendship as is famously said - a friend in need is a friend indeed. It is also said - we are known by the company we keep. Some of my old friends have fallen by the wayside while few remain but well circumstances and time have taken their toll. Now how we term friendship has changed with the advent of social media. Bill Gates also lamented - how to be friends with those you do not know? But for me how we rise to help others in need defines us and if the beneficiaries are strangers all the better - siva
2 people like this
• Australia
30 Mar 16
@Shiva49 Yes, someone who sticks with you through thick and thin is usually someone you can trust, and rely upon too. Not really too much of a break, it's just that our paths did not cross for a while, LOL...
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
30 Mar 16
@innertalks I was in India for a month and was forced to be part of real life in action (including T20 cricket)! Occasionally I sneaked in and managed to comment/respond. Met some old friends and relatives and hence this post! siva
1 person likes this
@mimiang (3777)
• Philippines
31 Mar 16
I believe that people come by due to our fate. there is connection in the universe that made them appear. Something like that.
2 people like this
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
31 Mar 16
I admit helpful people have appeared from nowhere when I really needed them! I know who is that in disguise! siva
2 people like this
@mimiang (3777)
• Philippines
31 Mar 16
@Shiva49 You got it wisely
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Mar 16
Friendship seems to have its own flow in the waters of life. People come and go and I can't help wonder why that is for I remember my grandmother knowing the same people all her life. Those she went to school with, those who lived in our small town. I'm sure the world wide web and everything traveling in life at a fast pace have much to do with it. But at this stage in my life, I want to make friends. Not just those who come and go but those who are a constant. Those of whom our lives while being very different are still very much a part of our life. I want to find that person or person's who will take in tea with me or meet at a cafe'. Maybe it is just my age speaking but I want to know what a person is truly going through and how they feel what hopes fulfill them not just their worries of the day but of life itself.
2 people like this
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
29 Mar 16
Thanks for sharing your views. I do not know whether modern lifestyle will make lifelong friendships history. and whether I have the gumption to make a lasting friendship now even as the old are fading away. I have seen, sadly, how older people become desolate when they lose their friends one by one. Some become so lonely to lack the initiative to make new friends. Modern technology has also played its part in excluding some from the mainstream of life. I cherish real friendship but they are becoming history. Time is becoming a scarce commodity in terms of face-to-face interactions and some never switch off from work leaving people like me to wonder where life is headed for. I also see women have more to share with their friends while men have become isolated; just my perception - siva
2 people like this
@JudyEv (123138)
• Bunbury, Australia
10 Apr 16
Sometimes we say we don't have many close friends but once we start thinking about our circle of acquaintances we do have quite a few. For some years my husband worked long hours and didn't have the opportunity to make close friendships but now he has retired he has more time to invest in friendships.
1 person likes this
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
10 Apr 16
Long working hours take their toll in forming lasting friendships. I have many acquaintances but few real friends as others too are busy with their work and family. I recall one retired person lamenting that all his friends were through his wife's contacts and when she passed away he was lost and left bereft. I am thankful to the all those who rise to the occasion to help those in need despite time becoming a scarce commodity by the day - siva
1 person likes this
@JudyEv (123138)
• Bunbury, Australia
12 Apr 16
@Shiva49 Some of our friends were absent from our lives for some years but now our children are busy with their own children we have had the chance to reconnect.
1 person likes this
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
12 Apr 16
@JudyEv Yeah, time is the issue though we want to be in touch with our friends. Now we have social networking to fill the gap but I think that is not the real deal as against face-to-face sharing and bantering but something is better than nothing! siva
1 person likes this
@simone10 (21657)
• Louisville, Kentucky
31 Mar 16
We have recently moved so I really don't have any friends here. I do have a couple of 'friends' from when I worked 9 years ago but we aren't as close as we used to be.
1 person likes this
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
31 Mar 16
We keep thinking of all the friends and tough to forget. I met a young lady who is now a specialist doctor. I asked her how is your friend Joyce? She stared at me and then I told her - she used to be your best friend at kindergarten! siva
2 people like this
@simone10 (21657)
• Louisville, Kentucky
1 Apr 16
@Shiva49 It is hard for me to let go of friends because I am a very loyal person and I always give second chances. But if they do me wrong, then they are no longer my friend.
1 person likes this
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
1 Apr 16
@simone10 I too have had friends who betrayed my trust. I keep them then at arms length - siva
1 person likes this
@mommaj (22768)
• United States
30 Mar 16
This is an interesting view on friendships. I too believe friendship is based on circumstance. I do not consider people that I randomly help or who have helped me friends. Friends are the people you call out of the blue to talk or invite to your house for tea. I do not consider coworkers friends unless they are someone you have something in common with besides the office. I too believe in helping people for the common good. Whether I become friends with the people I help remains to chance.
1 person likes this
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
31 Mar 16
I cannot forget childhood friends though there are friendships formed in adulthood. After marriage it is more of family friends and relationships. One recalled with rue that he had no friends but acquaintances through his wife's contacts. And this fact hit home when she passed away before him! The passage of time has taken its toll with my childhood friends with whom I am not able to connect like I did earlier. A whiff of nostalgia is mostly still present! siva
2 people like this
@mommaj (22768)
• United States
31 Mar 16
@Shiva49 That is sad. My best friend from childhood, I still talk to on occasion, even though I have moved miles from her. It's odd that we had somewhat the same life in two different states. It's hard finding out your friends are only acquaintances. That is when you realize you need to make your own friends and it is hard to do. Good luck with your journey.
2 people like this
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
31 Mar 16
@mommaj I have lot of well wishers but they are not friends that I can call up and talk about issues that are close to my heart and feel free to share with them. But now I am reconciled to the fact that circumstances have changed from those present when I developed close friendship in my childhood. So I keep the door open and meet and spend time with them when I can - siva
2 people like this
@shaggin (36845)
• United States
4 Apr 16
I had a few friends I was very close to when I was in high school. After graduation it became harder to stay in touch. I got married and had children. I have been able to see what they are up to in their lives on facebook so that's nice but I miss the days when we were very close. I find it is hard to stay in touch very well with my friends. I used to have a get together every week but now many have young children or are working. If it wasn't for facebook I wouldn't have any socialization.
1 person likes this
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
5 Apr 16
I do not have much interaction with friends from school days as our paths have taken different directions mainly due to physical distance we have traversed. But I connect with few occasionally. Again our interests are not the same now. I moved to few places due to work and this distanced me from my old time friends. I am not much into social networking like Facebook but know what my friends are up to. Now I have few friends from recent tines - siva
@jstory07 (66946)
• Roseburg, Oregon
2 Apr 16
Some friends disappear right after high school. Some friends stay in your life forever. Just depends on how close you were to each other.
1 person likes this
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
3 Apr 16
Most are still in my mind but unable to connect face-to-face. Some have moved on to a different set-up, level, due to realities of life with the past just a distant memory - siva
• Quezon City, Philippines
1 Apr 16
it's hard to find a real true friends nowadays, just like what had happened to me, I used to have a so called best-friend whom I treated as a sister but screwed my bf
1 person likes this
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
1 Apr 16
The term we used to take friendship as has changed with no time to invest for others. Society has also changed - siva
@sjvg1976 (18386)
• Delhi, India
31 Mar 16
That's with me too it's hard to meet friends on regular basis once we get married. As we get married our family becomes the priority and we never come out of it. For me too it's hard to give hand of help to others in the starting but once I get familiar with the people I help as if they are my own.
1 person likes this
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
31 Mar 16
Extending the hand of help in times of need gives fulfillment. We should do within our means. Agreed, marriage changes our approach to friends as it is tough for both to agree to be friends with those one likes! And then our friends too get married and it complicates the matter a bit! siva
2 people like this
@ptrikha_2 (8273)
• India
31 Mar 16
Well, I am not any more deeply involved with my friends due to family, social and personal reasons. Yet whenever I can afford it, I am selfless in helping my friends, and do not expect favors in return.
1 person likes this
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
31 Mar 16
I think that is a reality of modern life as time has become a scarce commodity. Real help is extended without expecting any returns - siva
2 people like this
@allknowing (65014)
• India
31 Mar 16
I have a confession to make. I was always a people's person getting together be it family, friends and most important of all classmates and all this despite not having common interests. But the virtual world has weaned me away from them as it is here that I get those that share common interests with me and enjoy the interaction. I do have someone from my office, a couple of classmates, very few family members and a few friends I am in touch with in my real world but must honestly say I do not miss them. Sad, but true.
1 person likes this
@Shiva49 (12947)
• Singapore
31 Mar 16
I think for most that is the reality. I have many here I can term as friends but not like the ones I used to have. For the younger generation, the differences may not be that stark as they grow with the social media. I place my old friends I know in flesh and blood on a higher pedestal though some have faded away due to circumstances taking their toll as life has dealt a harsher blow to them. I have been more into online sites like MyLot and am happy to spend my time here but I miss something of the magic of "real" friends with face-to-face interactions but all have to adjust to changing times. I was drawing attention to the fact of changing times on the term 'friends" - siva
1 person likes this