I Hope My Husband Dies Before Me.

My husband and me.
By Jabo
@jaboUK (51447)
United Kingdom
May 30, 2016 3:37pm CST
As my husband and I are both getting on in years, it's natural that thoughts should occasionally turn to death. I'm not being callous when I say that I hope my husband dies first. He is 85 and rather frail physically, and though he's sharp as a tack mentally, I don't think that he would cope very well living on his own. He's always been gregarious so would probably get lonely. and as he doesn't drive any more he could become rather isolated. He can't walk very far either - I push him in a wheelchair if necessary. Also, as he's not got much of an appetite , he probably wouldn't feed himself properly, Then there's the financial aspect - he'd be the first to admit that he's hopeless with money. I realised this soon after we were married, so I took charge of the finances. This has worked well for us, but it does mean that he hasn't a clue about our outgoings and the general running of a household. No doubt our children would do all they could, but our daughter lives on the other side of the world for most of the year. Our son lives locally and would visit him regularly, but that still leaves big chunks of time when he would be on his own. That's why I say that I hope he goes first, as it would be too much for him both physically and emotionally if it were the other way round. We think the world of each other, and whichever one is left is going to be devastated, but I think I would be the one better able to cope. So I hope you understand that I'm not being selfish by saying this, I'm actually being the opposite. Photo is of us both.
93 people like this
88 responses
@Corbin5 (85038)
• United States
30 May 16
I do understand completely. You want to save him from the hardship and the loneliness he would have to endure. I, on the other hand, would hope I go first. My husband and I are very close in age, but I would be overwhelmed with finances, house, investments, and more. Our son is nearby, but I would have him coming over here far too much to help me out and that is one thing I do not want him to feel obligated to do. My sister and I have PTSD dealing with our mother first, and now our father, for over 17 years. No way will I want our son to "do all" for me because that kind of burden is heavy indeed. Of course, he will have only one elderly parent to help, but Sis and I had two elderly parents, now only Dad at 95, and both could do nothing for themselves. Sis and I are both broken-down big time.
13 people like this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
30 May 16
@Corbin5 You make a very good point about being a burden to our children. I would hate to be that myself, and I wouldn't like for them to have the obligation of looking after my husband. In the natural course of events my husband should go first as he's 9 years older than me, but it's not guaranteed.
10 people like this
@DeborahDiane (17025)
• Laguna Woods, California
30 May 16
My husband and I have discussed much the same thing. My husband has chronic kidney disease and will likely only live another five years or so ... and probably less. If he goes on dialysis, his projected lifespan after that will be about 2 years, for someone his age. It would be very hard for him to live alone, I think. I also pay all the bills, so he would have to deal with that.
8 people like this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
30 May 16
@DeborahDiane You're in much the same situation as me Deborah - my husband has heart problems so it's unlikely that he will outlive me, especially since he's 9 years older. It could happen however, and I wouldn't want him to have all the problems that would entail.
2 people like this
• United States
31 May 16
At least the both of you (@DeborahDiane and @jaboUK) have some warning. That won't lessen the pain, but it won't be such a shock.
6 people like this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
31 May 16
@ElizabethWallace That is true - we've been forced to face reality.
4 people like this
@Lucky15 (33754)
• Philippines
30 May 16
Janet..i truly understand you. You have your worries and reasons, those what ifs. Maybe it was because i have seen and experienced losses of loved ones. Me, myself has worries of the same thing, who prefer.to go first than my siblings..., for reasons that their kids are young..me still single...those things.
6 people like this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
30 May 16
@Lucky15 I'm pleased that you understand Reine, thanks. I see that you have the practical approach too, though in your case you would prefer to go first.
2 people like this
@Lucky15 (33754)
• Philippines
30 May 16
@jaboUK seen eyes with pain over loss and worries too. And same just like you
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (24500)
• Canada
31 May 16
You look like such a fun-loving couple, I love your picture! I've thought of this for us here too, I don't think it uncommon. But I hope that I go first, because I fear I'd not be able to manage a life without my husband. I count on him for so much. I do my share, the cooking, cleaning and the budgeting for the small things, but he is half of my heart and is something that I fear would kill me if he passed first. I think that he would have a hard time without me, as I do a lot for him, and he doesn't realize all of it, but he would reach out to our son for help and be better able to cope with the transition. I don't mean to be morbid, but I would prefer we both went in our sleep all cuddled up together.
6 people like this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
31 May 16
@Juliaacv Your last sentence says it all - wouldn't we all like to do that? Realistically though, someone is going to die first, but each couple is different. It's going to be hard for whichever one is left.
3 people like this
@rebelann (34207)
• El Paso, Texas
30 May 16
I love your photo, both of you look so sweet and happy ..... no, I don't think you're being callous, it's actually practical given the circumstances. Perhaps you'll both leave for heaven together, that would be ideal, wouldn't it?
5 people like this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
30 May 16
@rebelann Wouldn't it be ideal if we both went together? That's unlikely to happen, but he's 9 years older than me, so he should actually go first. Glad you like the photo - thanks.
2 people like this
@rebelann (34207)
• El Paso, Texas
31 May 16
I didn't know he was that much older @jaboUK I just assumed you didn't want to lose him but understood that he couldn't survive well without you.
1 person likes this
@GreatMartin (4328)
• Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
31 May 16
Oh sure--now tell us the truth--you already have that 23 year old picked out in Spain and you can't wait until you collect the insurance and run off to him!!!
4 people like this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
31 May 16
@GreatMartin Oh sheesh - I'm rumbled!! You know me so well
• Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
31 May 16
@jaboUK I said something like that to a woman here and she said she doesn't have the time or patience to break another one in!!
3 people like this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
31 May 16
@GreatMartin Good one - quite true!
@PainsOnSlate (19665)
• Canada
31 May 16
I understand every word. My husband although older than I will be fine when I'm gone if I go first., if he goes first I would not do as well as he would. My daughter has already said I would be moving to her house if it happens that way. I hope your husband loves every day until the last, and you too.
3 people like this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
31 May 16
@PainsOnSlate Ha - so it's the opposite way round for you - I'm quite surprised at that as you always seem so capable. Yes we are still enjoying our lives, and hope to for some time yet.
1 person likes this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
31 May 16
@miniam That was good of you, especially as she wasn't your own blood relative.
• Canada
1 Jun 16
@jaboUK I know I would be ok my my own for a while. I guess when it happens you have to just see what its like to be alone again. I can't imagine my staying in an empty house but if I am still painting and selling I will. I do have lots of friends here. But my daughter and I get along really well and she has the space and likes me around and her chicken love me.
@LadyDuck (126500)
• Switzerland
31 May 16
I understand very well what you mean, my husband is exactly the same, he would be lost without me.
3 people like this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
31 May 16
@LadyDuck I'd an idea that your attitude would be the same as mine, Anna. Let's hope neither of us have to face this situation any time soon.
1 person likes this
@LadyDuck (126500)
• Switzerland
31 May 16
@jaboUK I hope that our hubbies can leave for many many years, but I know that my husband without me would not even be able to pay the normal bills, or make a cup of coffee. I feel guilty sometimes because I always did everything.
1 person likes this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
31 May 16
@LadyDuck My husband is a bit better than that as he can make himself a cup of tea or coffee
1 person likes this
@nomus24g (17379)
• India
30 May 16
3 people like this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
30 May 16
@nomus24g I'm just being realistic.
1 person likes this
@nomus24g (17379)
• India
30 May 16
@jaboUK I understand...But I just didn't have any words to express
1 person likes this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
30 May 16
@nomus24g That's fine, no problem.
@just4him (95871)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
31 May 16
That's the most unselfish thing I've read. I also love the photo. It's good to finally meet you. You're nothing like my imagination, it's actually a lot better. Sorry, I was picturing someone more like my grandmother, who was a handsome woman, just not slim. My mother's mother. She was taller than grandpa, as I see you are, though grandpa was a bit rotund, but lots of fun. Boy, I feel like I slighted you, when my grandmother was a wonderful person. Tall and big boned. You make a wonderful looking couple.
3 people like this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
31 May 16
@just4him Thank you Valerie for that fulsome compliment. I have put a picture of myself up somewhere, you must have missed it. Yes, I'm taller than my husband - he's only 5ft 4".
3 people like this
@just4him (95871)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
31 May 16
@jaboUK Quite handsome too. I bet you got the cream of the crop when you set your cap on him.
2 people like this
@sharon6345 (105191)
• United States
30 May 16
That is nice that you care about him like that. I am single right now and hope to be for a while. If I were to have a mate like you I would want to know them well enough to be able to choose these options too.
3 people like this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
30 May 16
@sharon6345 Thanks Sharon, but it's not a question of choice - we'll have to take what comes.
• United States
31 May 16
After hearing of my friends mothers passing this morning, leaving her 102 year old husband with only his daughter to take care of him, facing this loss is hard and there are no words to help her feel better at this time. In your case I just hope you BOTH stay as healthy as possible as long as possible
2 people like this
• United States
31 May 16
@jaboUK I wish I could of done more for her mom though these last 3 years when her health did start to decline . . . this week is going to be very difficult, thanks for your support, I need it right now
1 person likes this
• United States
31 May 16
@jaboUK my moms husband did pass before and while she is still alive and well, it is NOT EASY , as they had discussed (he knew he would due to an aneurysm of the aortic abdominal area caused by the CLEVELAND CLINIC) but it certainly was not easy for my mom . . .
1 person likes this
• United States
31 May 16
@jaboUK that is for certain and in the same year my mom lost her husband, my father her ex also passed, just three months later . . . so we had a rough year in 2012. Now I am just wanting to be there for my friend cause her dad is technically 'fragile emotionally' but not showing it at all
1 person likes this
• China
31 May 16
I know what you mean.It just proves that You are an affectionate couple and you have a heart of gold.If my memory serves me well,Your husband now has no problem with the skin cancer and you are as fit as a fiddle,so it is still too early for you worry about it.
2 people like this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
31 May 16
@changjiangzhibin89 I'm not the worrying type, but I'm just thinking ahead. Yes, the skin cancer has gone, but he does have a heart problem that he's lived with for many years. We are making the most of our 'twilight years'
1 person likes this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
1 Jun 16
@changjiangzhibin89 Your father-in-law is very lucky to have 5 daughters living close enough to look after him. But if he didn't have them, would he be able to cope? I've seen surviving partners having to go into a 'home', then withering away and dying when they are in unfamiliar surroundings.
1 person likes this
• China
1 Jun 16
@jaboUK Yes, my father in law is fortunate enough to have 5 daughters,though four of them live 150 miles away from him,at least he needn't go into a home.I am not as lucky as he is,I only have a son.
1 person likes this
@much2say (36276)
• United States
31 May 16
You two look so adorable here! I don't think you're being callous . . . this is what I've heard from my parents too - as well as other relatives - I grew up hearing those very same words and reasoning.
2 people like this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
31 May 16
@much2say Fair enough - what's that saying -'As ye sow, so shall ye reap'.
@miniam (9285)
• Bern, Switzerland
31 May 16
I can understand why you say this as you have looked and know he will be miserable alone.Im sure you`ll be lonely and alone too but as you say,you can cope better. As you say, your son could visit,but it`s not the same and he has other commitments so some days he will miss.And even if he came everyday, he can only stay a few hours. Any way you look at it, it`s not easy.
2 people like this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
31 May 16
@miniam You're right - it won't be easy whichever way it happens. But in the meantime we intend to enjoy whatever time is left to us
@miniam (9285)
• Bern, Switzerland
31 May 16
@jaboUK That`s important,enjoy the time you have left together and make it count.Still, l wish you both many more years to come.People live to be 100
2 people like this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
31 May 16
@sishy7 (27749)
• Australia
31 May 16
That is such a sweet photo of the two of you and such a loving thought you have for him...
2 people like this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
31 May 16
@sishy7 Thanks for being complimentary about the photo, and for understanding why I say this.
1 person likes this
@sishy7 (27749)
• Australia
1 Jun 16
@jaboUK Oh, I understand... My husband said the same to me in a lot less descriptive words than you have explained in your post and I understood he meant to take care of me till the end. And I told him: "Thanks, honey! We plan and God decides... We'll see who goes first - and who are we to say that we're not going to go together?"
1 person likes this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
1 Jun 16
@sishy7 Unfortunately, going together is extremely unlikely.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (92271)
• Marion, Kansas
31 May 16
I think I would feel the same. Hubby, however, is more gregarious than I, but I have spent quite a bit of time alone even when I was married the first time, as hubby was a trucker. I can do it on my own.
2 people like this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
31 May 16
@GardenGerty So you feel the same as me. I think that generally speaking women would be able to manage better if left on their own.
• Santa Ana, California
1 Jun 16
I want to go first could not deal with the whole thing,
1 person likes this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
1 Jun 16
@maggie1234 You are probably stronger than you think.
@blitzfrick (2948)
• United States
30 May 16
I hoped the same for my first husband, but for vastly different reasons. He is deceased now since the late 1990s, but I divorced him long before that. It sounds like you're very much in love with him.
2 people like this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
30 May 16
@blitzfrick We've loved each other for over half a century, so whoever goes first, it's going to be such a wrench. Sorry about your experiences with your first husband.
2 people like this
• United States
31 May 16
@jaboUK First and second husbands are ancient history. Nice to know there are happy couples out there!
3 people like this
@Marcyaz (36022)
• United States
30 May 16
Yes I understand what you are saying. Some people wouldn't be able to go without the other one.
2 people like this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
30 May 16
@Marcyaz I'm glad that you understand - it's not a case of who loves the other more, it's just individual circumstances as to who's best able to cope.
1 person likes this
@Marcyaz (36022)
• United States
30 May 16
@jaboUK Exactly in my case my husband with have been hard pressed without my income so I don't know what he would have done.
2 people like this
@amadeo (51183)
• United States
30 May 16
I feel the same way.I go before Mike.I could not able to cope if it was the other way around.that is a lovely photo there. Your not being selfish.Many feel this way.
2 people like this
@jaboUK (51447)
• United Kingdom
30 May 16
@amadeo So you think that Mike would be better able to cope than you?
@amadeo (51183)
• United States
30 May 16
@jaboUK yes,he is.I could not handle it if I was alone
1 person likes this