Being Choosy

Centralia, Missouri
June 17, 2016 8:56pm CST
I am trying hard to be choosy. I choosing to try not to read stuff into things that might not be there (aka assuming something means something when I dont ask). I am choosing to try to let thing rolls off my back and not upset me. I am trying to choose to focus on the small victories, and not that there are more losses than victories. I am choosing to amble off from situations that I feel are making things worse for me, even if it's just to another room. I am choosing to try. It's hard. It's not something you do once and then boom, it's all good. And while today went ok, and I was ok until about ten minutes ago. Now I am not. Now I sit here, fighting back tears, and chose to blog here about how I am feeling and then I will choose to go bury myself in a book for awhile. I know when I have hit my limit and need to go pretend the world is perfect and be an ostrich for awhile. I read a book once, about two scarred women. One used to be singer/songwriter, who's cheating husband scarred her bad enough she simply stopped listening to her muse and walked away from music. The other was attacked and raped at a frat party. They met, became friends, and went around being all Robin Hood under the guide of being "Lesbian Assassins" (only one even was a lesbian, and that was never really that important of a factor in the books), blackmailing deadbeat dads into paying child support, running off bullies, etc etc. They never actually killed anyone, amusingly enough. The writer, used to write the most amazing books. Then her own marriage imploded. You can see that in her books, and you can see her healing as the characters heal. I thought I had walked through that already. The whole marriage imploding, falling apart, then rebuilding. Apparently ten odd years ago when my first marriage ended I fell apart, then what I recreated had a bad foundation, or something. I will be honest, I felt like I was taping together shards of myself, and never really got to a place where I felt stable. Now...with life and everything going on, I need that solid foundation....and I realize, I don't think I have one. I am still writing though, but to me, these blogs aren't Writing. Writing to me is a story, a poem, something with Feels. Sometimes I hit that here, and I might hint at it with the weekly poem challenges, but I haven't had a Feels piece in awhile. Not sure I am ready to let that Muse back out.
38 people like this
30 responses
@Susan2015 (21964)
• United States
18 Jun 16
Most of the time I can let things roll off my back. There are some things that I don't work wise and that is what I need to fix. I either can let it roll or get a job where I'm appreciated. It's good to focus on the small victories. We all need a solid foundation. Only you know what you can and should do. Go with you gut instincts.
12 people like this
• Centralia, Missouri
18 Jun 16
Sometimes the small victories are just enough to help keep ones head above water
10 people like this
@Marty1 (36968)
• Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
18 Jun 16
@susan2015 Very sound advice!
9 people like this
@RasmaSandra (20412)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
21 Jun 16
@Jessicalynnt Being a writer and a poet I can tell you that sometimes I have days when the muses seem to be on vacation and then comes along a day when I just cannot seem to stop writing.
2 people like this
@NJChicaa (47656)
• United States
18 Jun 16
these blogs or pieces or whatever you want to call them are just moments in time and letting us get our thoughts out in those moments. . .
10 people like this
• Centralia, Missouri
18 Jun 16
you are quite right there
7 people like this
• United States
18 Jun 16
@Jessicalynnt Remember that you are human. The path we take in life is for a reason. We don't always know what that purpose is at the time we are going through something.
8 people like this
• Centralia, Missouri
18 Jun 16
Very true
5 people like this
@Marty1 (36968)
• Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
18 Jun 16
@BernieZeitler You are so right in your advice. There is a reason for everything that happens.
4 people like this
@DaddyEvil (26044)
• Aurora, Missouri
19 Jun 16
Thanks, Bernie!
4 people like this
@boiboing (12881)
• Northampton, England
18 Jun 16
As the saying goes, nobody can drive you crazy if you don't had over the keys.
8 people like this
• Centralia, Missouri
18 Jun 16
That's a good reminder
4 people like this
@DaddyEvil (26044)
• Aurora, Missouri
19 Jun 16
I've never heard that before, boiboing! I like it!
2 people like this
@josie_ (8018)
• Philippines
18 Jun 16
There's a lot of pent up feeling in this post. We've all been there at one time or another, experiencing the emotional onslaught of anger and denial. We keep telling ourselves to move on yet we cling on to the past. People with good intentions may tell us to learn to forget and forgive. But what do they know of our pain? What if I don't want to forget much less to forgive? I think I've earn that right. So I'll put it in storage among one of those millions of brain cells of mind and take it out once in a while just for the heck of it. Beats popping pills.
8 people like this
• Centralia, Missouri
18 Jun 16
Very well said. I've worked hard on a mental old crap chest, when I start obsessing over old stuff I can do nothing about, for the gillionth the I try imagining putting it back down in the box, over and over again
5 people like this
• United States
18 Jun 16
Take each day as it comes. Don't try to take a week or month at a time. I know it is hard, been there, done that. Still working at it too.
7 people like this
• Centralia, Missouri
18 Jun 16
Right, I am also finding that evenings are much worse
6 people like this
• United States
19 Jun 16
@Jessicalynnt when we are along with our thoughts the voices can be quite loud.
3 people like this
@Tampa_girl7 (26838)
• United States
18 Jun 16
Sending you hugs and good vibrations. I will say a prayer for you to have peace of mind.
6 people like this
• Centralia, Missouri
20 Jun 16
thanks, I need all the help I can get
1 person likes this
@mbabies2 (429)
• United States
18 Jun 16
I am so sorry for the pain you have to go through. I wonder why God let's bad things happen. To good people. I hope you find happiness
5 people like this
• Centralia, Missouri
18 Jun 16
Free will includes the right to pick bad things to do, bad things done ends up resulting in bad things happening, or so I've always thought
5 people like this
@mbabies2 (429)
• United States
18 Jun 16
@Jessicalynnt yeh well it still sucks ??
2 people like this
@Rollo1 (16685)
• Boston, Massachusetts
18 Jun 16
Writing can be cathartic, but you can let it all out and still write creative things. Just find your character and let that character feel those emotions and pain.
5 people like this
• Centralia, Missouri
18 Jun 16
Sometimes that's hard because it makes my feelings too immediate and real again
2 people like this
@sishy7 (27594)
• Australia
18 Jun 16
Ah, I can sure feel the feelings when I read these posts of yours... Just keep writing and doing what you choose to do... You know I'm not very good with words, but I'm just trying to say for you to keep strong!
5 people like this
• Centralia, Missouri
18 Jun 16
I just dont like barfing me out there, my muse likes to slide around in deep lines and vivid undertones, lol
4 people like this
@Marty1 (36968)
• Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
18 Jun 16
@jessicalynnt I hope you keep writing as you are too good not to write. Keep up with it. Get a few good books read and keep writing. Eventually, you'll feel better, hopefully.
4 people like this
• Centralia, Missouri
18 Jun 16
I do find reading to help
3 people like this
@Marty1 (36968)
• Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
18 Jun 16
@Jessicalynnt Yes, reading always helps me feel so much better! Have been doing an extraordinarily massive amount of reading lately, and I feel so happy! And more relaxed!
3 people like this
• Centralia, Missouri
19 Jun 16
@Marty1 I do too, hard to stress when my mind is occupied with a good book
1 person likes this
@pgiblett (6576)
• Canada
18 Jun 16
Blogs are writing, just as is writing a story, people tend not to be as careful (with spelling, grammar etc.) with blogs, but they should be.
4 people like this
• Centralia, Missouri
18 Jun 16
Heh, I am guilty of that
4 people like this
@pgiblett (6576)
• Canada
20 Jun 16
@Jessicalynnt I write a blog where the theme is all about improving your blog.
1 person likes this
• Centralia, Missouri
20 Jun 16
1 person likes this
@Bluedoll (17041)
• Canada
18 Jun 16
Question? Have you ever written a story based on things like you just wrote. I mean specifically a character in the story thinks what you just expressed. All you need to do is add some story background and there it is. Unless of course not being read means you don't want to be.
4 people like this
• Centralia, Missouri
18 Jun 16
I have written bits with bits in it, but never in depth no, never really thought about it
3 people like this
@LeaPea2417 (22548)
• Toccoa, Georgia
18 Jun 16
I am doing the same thing lately, choosing not to worry about things that are trying to bring me down, and choosing not to worry about things I can't control.
3 people like this
• Centralia, Missouri
20 Jun 16
it's a struggle to keep that up
1 person likes this
@LeaPea2417 (22548)
• Toccoa, Georgia
20 Jun 16
@Jessicalynnt Yes, I agree.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Jun 16
Times like this I refer to the Serenity Prayer....God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Sometimes I get caught up in trying to change the things that can't be changed
3 people like this
• Centralia, Missouri
20 Jun 16
I think we all do, and good advice
@just4him (129047)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
18 Jun 16
I know what you mean by not feeling like this is writing. I feel like I'm cheating on my writing when I'm here. You do need to look at and choose the small victories or you will never see them.
2 people like this
• Centralia, Missouri
20 Jun 16
I just haven't been able to get myself to do what I would consider real writing. Though I feel like I might have some push building. I want to go back to my nano book and start editing it and fleshing it out, just dont ever get up the get up and go to, well go do it
1 person likes this
@just4him (129047)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
21 Jun 16
@Jessicalynnt I've been trying to find the get up and go with Freedom's Cry, but I have a feeling that will really happen after the move.
1 person likes this
• Centralia, Missouri
21 Jun 16
@just4him prob,you are tied up with housing stresses atm and temperature problems with the pc
1 person likes this
@topffer (36498)
• Goa, India
18 Jun 16
Nobody knows what future will be. You should be happy with your little daily victories and not worry too much about what will happen tomorrow. Sometimes foundations are looking less solid than they are really : I have seen Roman bell towers with quite no foundations but the buildings are still there after hundreds of years...
2 people like this
• Centralia, Missouri
20 Jun 16
this is also true, everything we worry about could change and something entirely unexpected happen!
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Jun 16
A muse is offered to us for guidance, choosing to follow takes confidence
1 person likes this
• Centralia, Missouri
20 Jun 16
that is quite true
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Jun 16
@Jessicalynnt you know you have confidence in yourself right ?
1 person likes this
• Centralia, Missouri
21 Jun 16
@enlightenedpsych2 I dont feel like I do anymore
1 person likes this
@RubyHawk (30557)
• Atlanta, Georgia
18 Jun 16
You will get there, just hold on and keep laying that foundation. Books are helpful when you're going through a bad time. Just keep keeping on.
1 person likes this
• Centralia, Missouri
20 Jun 16
books are one of my best friends, and thanks for the encouragment
1 person likes this
@RubyHawk (30557)
• Atlanta, Georgia
20 Jun 16
@Jessicalynnt Books will be with you when nobody else is. Just keep working it out.
1 person likes this
• Centralia, Missouri
21 Jun 16
@RubyHawk they are like my dogs, esp my youngest. He is always there no matter how bad my day was
2 people like this
@DaddyEvil (26044)
• Aurora, Missouri
19 Jun 16
Jess, uhhh... no matter what your topic, your feelings... your emotions at the time come through loud and clear for us... To you, it is mundane.... maybe a trivial effort on your part, but we can see you there... Happy or sad... upset, exasperated or angry... How you feel is definitely there...
1 person likes this
• Centralia, Missouri
20 Jun 16
heh, I can button that down so things dont bleed over like that. But it takes effort and work and just didnt have it in me there to try.
1 person likes this
@DaddyEvil (26044)
• Aurora, Missouri
20 Jun 16
@Jessicalynnt Yeah, it can take a bit of work to leave the stronger emotions out, but I wasn't suggesting you do that, Jess... I was simply noting the fact. Honestly, when we dump some of the emotional strain into what we are doing, it helps us release some of that strain... That is a good thing! Those little releases help to keep us from having an aneurysm from high blood pressure/stress! (Personally, I prefer to see your emotions in your writing.... Let's just say I like that MUCH better than the alternative, okay?)
1 person likes this
• Centralia, Missouri
20 Jun 16
@DaddyEvil I always felt there is a time and a place for those emotions, and this is deff a good place for em
1 person likes this