Titanic - The Iceberg Replies

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I know you all hate me but believe me, it wasn’t my fault right. I was just bobbing along in the Atlantic, minding my own business, when this dirty great big lump of iron came out of nowhere and smacked right into me. So he started it right. I was just defending myself from a totally unprovoked attack. If he wants to play chicken, I’m dammed if I’m getting out of the way first. I tried making a few waves but the lookout men were too busy watching a couple making love – what chance did I have? I was injured too you know. You should see the gash the ship made in me. Part of me ended up in the engine rooms and the bit from my frozen shoulder that landed on deck got kicked about like a football. They thought it was fun until the ship started tilting. Then everyone started panicking. No one thought to check if I was alright though – typical of you, humanity – self-self-self. I miss the Arctic – I wish I’d never run away from home. the rest of the glacier said I was a chip off the old block, and now I am, literally. I’m freezing cold and I’ve lost a lot of weight out here. Now I get blamed for sinking the unsinkable. It’s just not fair. From my vantage point I saw the end come of course. The band was playing on one side of the stern end, and they got a lot of praise, but no one mentions the guy entertaining everyone on the other side of the stern. He was quite a happy looking bloke, kept grinning and yelling out ’Cheer up it’s not the end of the world you know’ and ‘worse things happen at sea’. He played Abide With Me in armpit flatulence noises and even put a busker’s coin hat out but no one chipped in. Then he started a cheery little sing song; “We’re all gonna die, we’re all gonna die. E I Addy O, we’re all gonna die.” That’s when everyone gallantly tried to save him from going down with the ship by throwing him overboard. He never hit the water. He landed in Molly Brown’s lifeboat. He celebrated by starting his armpit antics again, but the lifeboat must have been sinking too, because Molly Brown kicked him overboard to save the others on board. He nearly drowned but he just managed to swim over to me and get into the ice along with my other passenger popsicles - a couple of cryogenically frozen mammoths, Captain Caveman, Captain America, the crew of the Marie Celeste and Godzilla. Only a thousand miles to Hawaii, I’ll drop them off there, if I don’t keep losing weight. Oh God, I wish this current would carry me South a bit faster. I can still hear Celine Dion. Arthur Chappell