Titanic - The Iceberg Replies

Preston, England
July 1, 2016 8:56am CST
I know you all hate me but believe me, it wasn’t my fault right. I was just bobbing along in the Atlantic, minding my own business, when this dirty great big lump of iron came out of nowhere and smacked right into me. So he started it right. I was just defending myself from a totally unprovoked attack. If he wants to play chicken, I’m dammed if I’m getting out of the way first. I tried making a few waves but the lookout men were too busy watching a couple making love – what chance did I have? I was injured too you know. You should see the gash the ship made in me. Part of me ended up in the engine rooms and the bit from my frozen shoulder that landed on deck got kicked about like a football. They thought it was fun until the ship started tilting. Then everyone started panicking. No one thought to check if I was alright though – typical of you, humanity – self-self-self. I miss the Arctic – I wish I’d never run away from home. the rest of the glacier said I was a chip off the old block, and now I am, literally. I’m freezing cold and I’ve lost a lot of weight out here. Now I get blamed for sinking the unsinkable. It’s just not fair. From my vantage point I saw the end come of course. The band was playing on one side of the stern end, and they got a lot of praise, but no one mentions the guy entertaining everyone on the other side of the stern. He was quite a happy looking bloke, kept grinning and yelling out ’Cheer up it’s not the end of the world you know’ and ‘worse things happen at sea’. He played Abide With Me in armpit flatulence noises and even put a busker’s coin hat out but no one chipped in. Then he started a cheery little sing song; “We’re all gonna die, we’re all gonna die. E I Addy O, we’re all gonna die.” That’s when everyone gallantly tried to save him from going down with the ship by throwing him overboard. He never hit the water. He landed in Molly Brown’s lifeboat. He celebrated by starting his armpit antics again, but the lifeboat must have been sinking too, because Molly Brown kicked him overboard to save the others on board. He nearly drowned but he just managed to swim over to me and get into the ice along with my other passenger popsicles - a couple of cryogenically frozen mammoths, Captain Caveman, Captain America, the crew of the Marie Celeste and Godzilla. Only a thousand miles to Hawaii, I’ll drop them off there, if I don’t keep losing weight. Oh God, I wish this current would carry me South a bit faster. I can still hear Celine Dion. Arthur Chappell
15 people like this
14 responses
@Jessicalynnt (47895)
• Centralia, Missouri
2 Jul 16
I actually like that song, but...this was the coolest idea for a tale, and I enjoyed it!
2 people like this
• Centralia, Missouri
2 Jul 16
@arthurchappell I hated the throwing away of the stone, all I could think was you rich selfish ^&*(O)*&U^&*I(. You could get clean water and food to SO many if you had sold that thing... yay you threw it away. and then the whole thing was ruined for me
2 people like this
• Preston, England
3 Jul 16
@Jessicalynnt yes, that made no sense - she killed herself right after that so the heart-stone never went back to the Titanic with her either - just into the sea rather than back where it came from
2 people like this
@JohnRoberts (44739)
• Los Angeles, California
1 Jul 16
And you would not mind Kate Winslet being frozen in your berg.
2 people like this
• Preston, England
1 Jul 16
@JohnRoberts yes she would be quite welcome but perhaps rather too hot for my tastes
1 person likes this
@JohnRoberts (44739)
• Los Angeles, California
1 Jul 16
@arthurchappell That's a good one! She would melt you in two seconds!
2 people like this
• Preston, England
1 Jul 16
@JohnRoberts she would certainly melt my heart
1 person likes this
@puddleglum (1435)
• United States
1 Jul 16
You mustn't blame yourself, friend. Blame the White Star Line, that built the most luxurious ocean liner in the world, but couldn't manage to supply the crow's nest with binoculars. Of course, the lookouts probably wouldn't have pointed the lenses in your direction anyway.
2 people like this
• Preston, England
1 Jul 16
@puddleglum by the time they compensate me I'll have melted - brings salt-water tears to my eyes
2 people like this
• United States
1 Jul 16
@arthurchappell I imagine they're counting on it.
1 person likes this
@LoriAMoore (4872)
• United States
3 Jul 16
Bullying against icebergs should be stopped!
1 person likes this
@glenniah (1205)
• Mandurah, Australia
2 Jul 16
Clever story Arthur. Poor old iceberg he really isn't too blame
1 person likes this
@jaboUK (52057)
• United Kingdom
2 Jul 16
This is very clever, I loved reading it.
1 person likes this
@Dragonairy1 (1472)
• Newcastle Upon Tyne, England
1 Jul 16
Very good
1 person likes this
@UncleJoe (9208)
• Virginia Beach, Virginia
1 Jul 16
It's difficult for me to find humor in a tragic situation where 1,500 people, including one of my ancestors, (the orchestra leader) lost their lives. I must be losing my sense of humor.
1 person likes this
@teamfreak16 (37914)
• Colorado Springs, Colorado
1 Jul 16
Nice! Very clever.
1 person likes this
@LadyDuck (131178)
• Switzerland
1 Jul 16
Good, really good Arthur, I love your story. Poor iceberg it is so true it was minding its own business and it hurt nobody. Selfish and silly humans.
1 person likes this
@Corbin5 (88955)
• United States
1 Jul 16
Such a sad tale. That poor iceberg. We never realized its suffering. Bad humans!
1 person likes this
@responsiveme (14290)
• India
1 Jul 16
I suppose this is what is meant by 'point of view'.
1 person likes this
@boiboing (12261)
• Northampton, England
1 Jul 16
Coooooooool
1 person likes this
@marguicha (83920)
• Chile
1 Jul 16
Very typical of human beings! They never watch where they are going.
1 person likes this