Make More Effort if Partner is More Attractive than You

United Kingdom
August 8, 2016 8:11am CST
Yes, I think it's an odd statement to make too. I can not imagine that anyone would disagree. However, there was one person who made the statement. I assume she was a young girl, although may have been older. On a thread about whether or not we should make changes for a partner. Now, I believe that there are certain changes or improvements we should make simply because they are necessary for a relationship (eg. making decisions with another person whereas you would have previously made them alone). I also think that there are areas where everyone can improve and that people often want to do things for a partner. That's all very well. Of course, there are also a lot of things which people should not do for a partner, or not be expected to do just because their partner says so. It's important to remember the difference between wanting your partner to be happy because you love them, and pleasing your partner because they expect it, etc. Anyway, this one comment worried me. The girl stated that it was her own opinion, her own conclusion but, as I pointed out, I worried that it could only be the opinion of someone who was made to believe that. I mean, for example, if they'd been with a partner who expected them to make more effort because they were perceived as the less attractive one. When I asked her what a couple should do if both considered the other partner the more attractive, she simply stated that they should both make the same effort. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, of course, but I just can't help thinking that this is a very unusual one, and I don't understand it. I'm usually very good at seeing all sides, and the fence is quite comfortable! This is just one I don't get. I can't comprehend that someone would hold such a belief not borne of unsavoury experience. To me, all parties in a relationship should make the effort. One perceived as more attractive doesn't (and shouldn't) have any more right to expect more from the other. The one perceived as less attractive shouldn't expect any less from a partner. It just doesn't make sense to me. If you're a nicer/better person in the first place then maybe you don't need to make so much effort. I mean, if one person naturally works hard and thinks about the other person while the other does nothing then the one who does nothing should make the most effort. That, to me, makes sense. Making more effort because you're less attractive, that does not make sense. It makes me think that someone has low self-esteem and the other partner should really be helping to build that. So, what do you think? Am I missing something, or do you agree that the amount of effort put into a relationship should not depend on how attractive a person is?
2 people like this
3 responses
@sabtraversa (12855)
• Italy
8 Aug 16
I agree with you. I think the only reason why the less attractive person of the couple should try to improve their appearance, is because of their jealousy and fear of being rejected for something better someday (low self-esteem). But that isn't something the more attractive partner has to pretend, it's up to the other person to decide, and all the attractive partner can do is to reassure and help, not complaining about their lack of work to improve their appearance. You chose to stay with a person for the way they are, why do you pretend a change? I agree both partners should do the same effort to keep their appearance decent, being sure to be clean and tidy as much as possible. That's only for being respectful to each other, and that's the least, of course.
1 person likes this
• United Kingdom
8 Aug 16
I meant more about making an effort with the relationship in general, rather than with appearance. Of course, if someone is scruffy and their partner is smart, I can see that the scruffy one may be perceived as less attractive and would want to improve. I think the one who believes they are less attracted should be supported and their partner assure them that they're not (i.e. help them build self-esteem). I agree that keeping a decent appearance is a matter of respect, not only for the partner, but for yourself.
1 person likes this
• Valdosta, Georgia
8 Aug 16
I agree with you. Being attractive should have nothing to do with effort in a relationship. Both people should work hard to make a relationship work and last. It shouldnt matter who is more attractive-matter of fact my husband and I have never even thought about which one of us is better looking. We are both beautiful in each other's eyes which is how it should be.
1 person likes this
• United Kingdom
8 Aug 16
Absolutely. My partner and I both think each other is attractive. He often tells me he's overwhelmed at how I feel about him. He doesn't always seem to believe me when I tell him how handsome he is!
@skysnap (20154)
8 Aug 16
I agree. there are chances that couple may break if one partner looks passive.