"I have become comfortably numb..."

By JJ
@JolietJake (50032)
United States
August 22, 2016 3:57am CST
...or so I say. The slings and arrows of Life don't seem to bother me as much these days, but sometimes I start looking back, and I may think 'I was so happy then'...and then I tell myself 'That is stupid to feel that way, because your happiness was based upon a lie, so ignore it'. But even though that second statement is true, at times I still miss that feeling, regardless of if it was caused by a lie or not. Sorry...my head is a bit weird this morning. My night was full of odd dreams that kept waking me up fairly often going 'What the (expletive deleted) was that about?' And one brought back the memory of being touched by someone once, just on the tip of the nose, and they said 'Mine'. And I remember, still, that being one of the happiest moments of my life. Of course, 16 years later, I know it was a lie. I guess I could equate that relationship to a beautifully frosted cake full of squirming maggots. Yeah, it ended up that bad. And these days, I am mostly numb to things...I wear this hard-hearted shell of IDGAF like a shield against the world, and mostly it protects me from things. But still, once in a great while, a dream will slip in between the cracks of my armor, and I'll awaken like a soul lost at sea, far from any comfort with humanity. And those periods can be really rough on my psyche. But I'll be okay here in a few hours as I carefully weld the seams back together and once again don my armor. And I can once again be comfortably numb... "Is there anybody out there?"
Pink Floyd - Comfortably numb It's obviously not my song , so i am not going to take any creds for it .. I know the song isn't from the dark side of the moon...
25 people like this
20 responses
@JudyEv (119099)
• Bunbury, Australia
22 Aug 16
What a very sad end to a relationship - and how nicely you have crafted your words here. I hope your armour is all mended and welded again now. How did the concert go?
4 people like this
@JolietJake (50032)
• United States
22 Aug 16
We raised $820 in cash and 3 HUGE totes full of school supplies for the kids...most of us agree it was our best one yet.
4 people like this
@JudyEv (119099)
• Bunbury, Australia
22 Aug 16
@JolietJake That's great - makes it worth all the effort.
1 person likes this
@msiduri (5757)
• United States
17 Sep 16
@JolietJake That's wonderful.
2 people like this
@WorDazza (9893)
• Manchester, England
22 Aug 16
Wow! You've really touched me this morning you old soft lump you!!! Although not physically I hasten to point out!!!
3 people like this
@JolietJake (50032)
• United States
23 Aug 16
Yesterday was horrid...at least the first hour or so of it. Just trying to get my emotions back under some kind of control was hard...
1 person likes this
@WorDazza (9893)
• Manchester, England
23 Aug 16
@JolietJake Strange how the subconscious mind can dredge stuff up we'd much rather was left buried. Emotionally we're probably at our most vulnerable when we sleep. Can't control what flows through our head!
2 people like this
@Raelove (16819)
• Saco, Maine
22 Aug 16
Speaking purely personally, I can remember maybe only a couple of isolated times when I felt truly happy and content. They did not, however, last. Nothing does. I can honestly say that much of my adult life has been spent coming to terms with/adjusting my attitude to/resigning myself to most issues, be they related to friends, family, work, or just life in general. I had a strange childhood, an even stranger young-adulthood. And it is only now in my mid 60's that I am starting to feel relatively "normal," whatever the (expletive) that is! What might seem to you to have been lies at any point time were probably not that at all. I prefer to call them "shifts in perception." Maybe the individuals involved were being sincere at the time, but things change, and people change. And there's that tired old saw again of "being able to control only your own attitude" to things and nothing else. I have days when I feel "numb," too. That's usually when I'm at point where something isn't sitting well with me, and it's so tiring to think about it that I just, well, go numb. Not a bad thing to be sometimes.
2 people like this
• United States
23 Aug 16
I am now 61 and your response here also resonated with me.
@allen0187 (32591)
• Philippines
23 Aug 16
This is so deep and true on so many different levels. What you wrote are literally my thoughts! Thank you for this. Sometimes it isn't so bad to be numb. Better alternative than to being sad. Or bitter. Or lonely. Or sad.
2 people like this
@Mike197602 (13363)
• Worcester, England
22 Aug 16
I get like that occasionally. sometimes I find it a bit depressing. mainly I regret wasting all my money even though I thought I was happy at the time.
2 people like this
@much2say (38752)
• United States
22 Aug 16
Numb - yep. I don't know if it's because I'm just "older and wiser" now . . . but I sure can relate, and as you see here apparently many others do too. Back then it seems like emotions were stronger - super happy or super down . . . but now it's more even keeled for the most part . . . comfortably numb.
2 people like this
@Jessicalynnt (47790)
• Centralia, Missouri
22 Aug 16
the thing I have found, is that numb shell is only a false cover over a rolling sea of bottled back pain and such, oh it has it's uses, and it's a heck of alot easier to deal with, often, than the stuff it's hiding, but meh. I empathize. Looking back there are times that in the moment I felt much more loved and happy, and while I know those were based on shaky ground of whatever sort, and didn't last, I do wish I was able to feel like that again
2 people like this
@jerzgirl (7978)
• Gloucester City, New Jersey
22 Aug 16
Anything in life that gives you Joy even for a moment is a good thing. Being able to keep the bad stuff from hurting over and over and over again is a bit more difficult. I wasted a lot of years reliving the bad. I try not to do that but I would love to be numb to the current bad so that it wouldn't hurt as much as it does. But I do believe those moments of joy are things that we should focus on even if they didn't last. Well crap. I thought it deleted my comment, so I did another. *sigh*
2 people like this
@jerzgirl (7978)
• Gloucester City, New Jersey
22 Aug 16
Physically, I wish I was numb. I hurt all over. But, I know what you mean about emotional numbness. As for that nose touch, maybe it was true....for that time. Things happen that bring us joy, but they don't always last. That doesn't mean the joy was a lie.
2 people like this
@simone10 (21670)
• Louisville, Kentucky
22 Aug 16
I can understand your feeling numb. I have days like that too. It seems like it has been such a long time since I could say that I was really happy. Do we wait for happiness to come along or do we try and make our own happiness? I am clueless.
2 people like this
• New Delhi, India
22 Aug 16
Your feelings are completely valid. Here's a quote by Oprah that has helped me get through feelings like this - ' So go ahead, fall down. The world looks different from the ground.' Tc! :-)
2 people like this
@TheSojourner (17479)
• United States
23 Aug 16
Oh, goodness....this just stabbed at my armor and I feel as if I have been exposed. I might have written the same thing. *sigh*
1 person likes this
@JolietJake (50032)
• United States
23 Aug 16
I can open myself here at myLot a little at times, but I am glad no one that actually knows me well saw me yesterday. Took me a good bit to gather the pieces back up and reassemble myself. That relationship badly damaged me, and 13 years later I still refuse to open myself around people...I refuse to give anyone the chance to hurt me that badly again.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Aug 16
@JolietJake because of what I do and my personality, I often open myself up in front of people, but only when I can do it my way. So, I do public speaking and I will open myself up that way. I can also do some of it in writing. Butt personal relationships, friendships, and family... Not so much. I can be very guarded. Anything in writing, I can take things to Heart, and don't open up as much because of some of the hurtfulness that I have seen by some. Again, this resonated with me so much. And I wish I had a cat named scar to help me with it, unfortunately I'm very allergic... see? Even cats avoid me! Haha
1 person likes this
@msiduri (5757)
• United States
17 Sep 16
Eh... Hard to come up with anything profound. Take care. The world sucks sometimes.
1 person likes this
@millie02 (6908)
• United Kingdom
23 Aug 16
I think the past always looks better when we are feeling a bit low.
1 person likes this
• Pune, India
23 Aug 16
One of my all time favourite songs.
1 person likes this
@SIMPLYD (78118)
• Philippines
23 Aug 16
At least you have those very happy moments in your life , even if 16 years later, it went down , my friend ,
1 person likes this
@nanette64 (17180)
• Fairfield, Texas
22 Aug 16
I can relate @JolietJake .
1 person likes this
@JohnRoberts (52346)
• Los Angeles, California
22 Aug 16
That song describes the majority of the American population.
1 person likes this
@Drosophila (16729)
• Ireland
22 Aug 16
Ya, I can relate to those annoying dreams.. usually kicks in just when you're happily going about your daily life
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (29001)
• Canada
22 Aug 16
Good morning, love your choice of music this morning.
1 person likes this