Staring at the ceiling at 1 am
By Jekca
@Jessicalynnt (50525)
Centralia, Missouri
October 7, 2016 8:04am CST
This is what I was doing at 1 am. Staring at the ceiling. Sometimes I am, well ok isn't the right word, I am never ok. Managing maybe. Many times I am not. I have online and cell support, but not much actually HERE. Oh his family would come help, but I don't want that. It's his family, you know? So here I am trudging along.
I'm working on maybe getting FMLA from work, so I can prolong decision making. I know I can't work at the moment.
I did find a visual that is helping with every nasty or painful mental movie that starts running through my conscious head. I picture a great big sea monster, like the one from Jurassic Park, OR a big whale that jumps and just bites all the movie and takes it away down below the water to digest it where I don't have to see. Odd, but if it helps break up the movies in my mind. I am not going to knock it.
Will there be a poem tomorrow? Shoot I don't know. I might just offer one up for ya'll and not write my own. Not sure you would want to read what I have in my heart right now. Not sure I have the heart to string anything together.
17 people like this
17 responses
@Jessicalynnt (50525)
• Centralia, Missouri
12 Oct 16
the care and support here helps. and some day that poem will come.
1 person likes this
You read poetry Pony? Shelley "Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought."@Jessicalynnt (50525)
• Centralia, Missouri
12 Oct 16
I agree, normally, right now I am too hurt to even manage that.
@Bluedoll (16774)
• Canada
12 Oct 16
@Jessicalynnt It takes time to heal. What ever feels right for you.
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50525)
• Centralia, Missouri
12 Oct 16
that often works, but right now I just have hurt, and bitterness, and pain there, barely able to do the little I am doing, let alone put together real writing. maybe in a week or two
@arthurchappell (45002)
• Preston, England
8 Oct 16
it must be grim for you just now - hope there are people around who can offer support - none of your own family within reach? You should take time off work if you need it - take care
2 people like this
@arthurchappell (45002)
• Preston, England
12 Oct 16
@Jessicalynnt hope you get the leave through ok
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50525)
• Centralia, Missouri
12 Oct 16
I am trying to get approved for family medical leave, it's in processing right now. I cant work though, if I dont get approved on that I will just have to quit. I have shifted where I am closer to in real life friends (am currently living with one), and family.
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50525)
• Centralia, Missouri
15 Oct 16
@arthurchappell still fighting for it, but honestly if I dont get it, I could be done with dealing with it, which while not as financially good, would also be ok. I will have to start looking for work here. I have a few leads, but the one really good job is FT, and honestly i dont want FT right now, I need more time to heal
1 person likes this
@Drosophila (16573)
• Ireland
7 Oct 16
you're managing well. I had the same problem after my breakup. I got a job doing night shift instead.. did help
2 people like this
@Drosophila (16573)
• Ireland
12 Oct 16
@Jessicalynnt ya could try doing some painting late at night..might help
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50525)
• Centralia, Missouri
15 Oct 16
@Drosophila once my new canvas comes in, it's a plan of mine, anything to get so tired I dont dream and can sleep
2 people like this
@Jessicalynnt (50525)
• Centralia, Missouri
12 Oct 16
I cant work yet. I'd get fired. I just dont care, about much of anything right now
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50525)
• Centralia, Missouri
12 Oct 16
I cant yet, I dont have words, just a ball of pain sitting where the ruins of my heart is
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (157546)
• United States
16 Oct 16
I have not been exactly where you are, but had some serious sleep disturbing things. I found it good to get out of bed, go sit in the recliner and turn on the Weather Channel have some cocoa and just rest, until I slept.
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50525)
• Centralia, Missouri
16 Oct 16
I am going to have to start getting up and breaking the cycle with something
@zebra2222 (5269)
• United States
7 Oct 16
Sometimes it is best to take a mental pause.
1 person likes this
@kevin1877uk (36988)
•
17 Oct 16
Yeah been there, not knowing what to do at silly times of the day, Mylot was good to me when I was going through so much.
1 person likes this
@kevin1877uk (36988)
•
18 Oct 16
@Jessicalynnt That's hard when you don't have anything. Yes say in touch, being here will help, sorry you are having to go through all that you are, hugs.
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50525)
• Centralia, Missouri
18 Oct 16
and the net was down last night, so I had nothing,
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50525)
• Centralia, Missouri
18 Oct 16
@kevin1877uk -hugs- thanks K
1 person likes this
@else34 (13517)
• New Delhi, India
11 Oct 16
@Jessicalynnt,I can understand what you must be feeling on such moments.I often find myself in the same situation.Whenever it happens I try to detach myself from the restlessness and go out for a long walk [if I have time] or read books of fairy tales.
1 person likes this
@else34 (13517)
• New Delhi, India
12 Oct 16
@Jessicalynnt Currently I'm working on making a huge collection of Indian fairy tales.
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50525)
• Centralia, Missouri
12 Oct 16
I like fairy tales and books with magic and wonder too, and I read a ton this past week, that helped
1 person likes this
@Inlemay (17714)
• South Africa
12 Oct 16
@Jessicalynnt I dont want your ceiling anywhere near me
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50525)
• Centralia, Missouri
12 Oct 16
thanks hun, if nothing else, I am going to try to get back on here and start reading and commenting again, maybe some of the old routine, ie things I did for me, will help
1 person likes this
@sallypup (57828)
• Centralia, Washington
12 Oct 16
@Jessicalynnt I sure hope you feel better soon.
1 person likes this
@cindiowens (5120)
• North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
7 Oct 16
I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I wish there was a way I could help you.2 people like this
@Jessicalynnt (50525)
• Centralia, Missouri
12 Oct 16
even for those that are here with me, there is really nothing, other than letting me cry, rant and rage
@Jessicalynnt (50525)
• Centralia, Missouri
12 Oct 16
well I moved in with a friend, closer to family. I am trying to get medical leave approved, if not I will quit, I cant work right now, not for awhile.
@Tampa_girl7 (48908)
• United States
15 Oct 16
It is good that you have Mylot as a place to vent. It is therapeutic.
@Marilynda1225 (79672)
• United States
7 Oct 16
Sorry to hear that you are going through such a painful ordeal.
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50525)
• Centralia, Missouri
12 Oct 16
it's not fair. it stinks. And I want to wake up and it is just the worst dream ever. And I know I cant wake up....
