I am wondering if it's too late for kay.

@sharon6345 (138006)
United States
November 17, 2016 9:40am CST
Kay has never had a father daughter relationship with anyone. The strange thing that I find now is that my man G is always calling to ask about her. He has her number now and she has his. He talks to her like he is her father. He got on her so much in a positive way last night that I was shocked. both of them to be honest. He was not disrespectful though stern. I was reading all the wonderful comments from you guys I am learning to parent from you great moms. But one person @yukimori said something to me that made me see that I need to get really firm with her. Not worrying about anything just doing the right thing. My daughter has been cleaning all morning. What I would like to know is it too late for kay to build some kind of relationship with G that would make her feel like she could have some support? I know he is not her father. But he checks for her in that way. He tells her when she is wrong and lifts her when she is good. Jay has never seen his dad. The way he respects G is nice. Kay listens to G with nothing but a smile on her face. And after he left last night she opened up to me about her deepest feeling and her need for medication. Is it too late for them to bond like that? Thanks guys and @yukimori
3 people like this
4 responses
@owlwings (39749)
• Cambridge, England
17 Nov 16
My grand daughter is in a very similar situation (she's 18) in that she never really knew her real father (and when she did meet him, she very quickly rejected him) and her mother (my daughter) has very similar concerns to yours. She and her mother don't get on very well at all, though I can see that changing slowly. The danger as I see it is that my grand daughter will be looking for a 'father figure' in any partner she chooses and, if the man she chooses doesn't fully understand that, it could lead to a string of abusive and abortive relationships. On the other hand, she is a very caring person at heart (just like her mother) and may choose 'losers' (just as her mother did .. twice) - well, not 'losers', exactly, but men who need 'mothering' more than anything and aren't capable of being responsible to support a partner, let alone a child. I don't think it's too late for Kay to find a 'father figure'. G sounds really good and able to play that part. It will never be the same, of course, as if Kay knew him and gave him that trust when she was six or nine and on but it sounds as if she's prepared to accept him as a friend and mentor, at least.
2 people like this
@Mike197602 (13911)
• United Kingdom
17 Nov 16
I agree with most of what you have said except for the last part....although I agree in the context you have put it in with regard to age....the younger the better. I personally think at 20+ it is too late to look for a father figure...that comes way way earlier in the life of a child. I agree more, unfortunately, with your concerns as to the partner issue. I spent a long time in the care sector primarily in young adult (16+) places. I saw time and time again women who didn't have a positive male role model pick some utter scumbags as partners. I 100% agree with your "mothering" point and that is absolutely the case in the majority of people I have seen.
2 people like this
@sharon6345 (138006)
• United States
17 Nov 16
I see and I agree with both of you as I saw kay looking for that in losers that I met. a mentor is better than nothing to me right now. I hope I can get that.
3 people like this
@Mike197602 (13911)
• United Kingdom
17 Nov 16
@sharon6345 A mentor...that's a nice word and a nice aspiration for your daughter
2 people like this
@Mike197602 (13911)
• United Kingdom
17 Nov 16
Where is her dad?
1 person likes this
@sharon6345 (138006)
• United States
17 Nov 16
Her father lives in Jamaica since she was 3. He was out of her life around 2
2 people like this
@Mike197602 (13911)
• United Kingdom
17 Nov 16
@sharon6345 My opinion is somewhat the same as owls except for one difference. To some extent I do think it is too late for her to find a father figure. That is purely down to my understanding of a childs developmental process. In your partner she may find a father like figure but not a father figure in my opinion. This is a complicated subject and I have quite a few opinions but think I'll just leave it at that.
2 people like this
@sharon6345 (138006)
• United States
17 Nov 16
@Mike197602 Thanks so much mike. I can see your views and ead what you said above. If she could continue to have what she has now I am blessed for that. he is on his way up now.
2 people like this
@ricki_911 (19861)
• Toronto, Ontario
17 Nov 16
I don't think it is. I know many people who haven't had father or mother being older they turned out fine. She just needs to learn. One thing I thank my patents at 16 I support myself. Now older I see friends who are as useless as anything.
1 person likes this
@sharon6345 (138006)
• United States
18 Nov 16
That is good I think she has a chance too. Thanks again.
1 person likes this
@ricki_911 (19861)
• Toronto, Ontario
18 Nov 16
@sharon6345 I think she needs to mature and I see some they basically had to be thrown out and fall on their face to make it happen. I think with him around and being there will help. Many who don't have a father or mother tend to look for it in partners. Basically how you were raised most likely will happen for example if your parents were divorced youpst likely will be divorced.
1 person likes this
@jstory07 (69807)
• Roseburg, Oregon
18 Nov 16
She might like him as a friend and that would be a good thing. I do not think she could have a bond with him.
@sharon6345 (138006)
• United States
18 Nov 16
Thanks judy. I saw them enjoy a visit today.
1 person likes this