The Month of December

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The month of December is one where I often feel like I'm two people as I oscillate between happy and joyous to sad and morose. Thankfully, I am able to put on the happy face most of the time. I save the sad moments for when I'm alone which isn't often. In December, 17 years ago, I gave birth to my first born, my beautiful son. He grew to be such a wonderful, smart, artistic, caring, funny young fellow. 4 years ago, in December, he turned 13. My first teenager! Oh boy! What did life have in store?! Then, just a few short days later, in December, December 31st to be exact, my precious son died without warning in his sleep from an unknown heart condition. Life changed in such a horrifying unexpected day that morning. How do you keep going? How do you function? Yesterday, it snowed our first snow of the year, yes, in December. Snow is another thing that makes me feel a bit schitzophrenic these days.... I love snow. My kids love snow. It's beautiful and fun. But... now I think of that morning when my second son ran to their bedroom to tell Nolan that it had snowed. Instead, he was the first to know our horrible news. So when the snow began to fall yesterday, I was surrounded by 5 and 6 year old kids, including my beautiful daughter, and we were all ooh-ing and ahh-ing as we watched the fluffy, fat flakes fall from the sky. However, I stepped back from the children and my eyes filled with tears as I thought of my son and the unfairness of life. So now, today, I keep moving in December. I shop. I work. I sing. I wrap. I laugh. I plan. I cook. I clean. I make lists. I check them twice (or really more than that). And yes, I cry.