Confused...

United Kingdom
January 6, 2017 5:36am CST
I don't want to go into a rant or anything here, but I am confused. My other half's eldest daughter has shown that we're not wanted in her or her children's life. She's made excuses (or just ignored me) every time I've tried to arrange to spend time with her (even though she claims to want to get to know me and spend time with us), and she's made it obvious that my other half is neither wanted nor appreciated and that we're not family. So, I was rather confused when, in response to something I said about not having bridesmaids at my wedding, she said 'you've got [the babies]'. Would you be confused by that? Someone who won't even arrange to spend time with us suddenly offering her children as bridesmaids. Of course, I would love them to be, but we're strangers to them and, given the reluctance to actually make any effort or arrange some time together, we're always going to be.
10 people like this
13 responses
@marguicha (81709)
• Chile
6 Jan
This is a difficult situation. In my case, I would try to bypass it by having a smaller wedding with no bridesmaids.
3 people like this
• United Kingdom
6 Jan
We haven't set a date yet anyway, but we have already said we'd only have a small wedding. With all the close family and our best friends, there would be about 20 people. I'd obviously like my partner's daughters and granddaughters to be there, but I'm not entirely sure they'd even turn up, which is why I was surprised and confused with what his eldest daughter had said!
2 people like this
@marguicha (81709)
• Chile
6 Jan
@pumpkinjam Such a small wedding does not need bridesmaids. That should be a good excuse. They will be invited and expected with happiness though. Then she will have to decide what to do.
1 person likes this
• United Kingdom
6 Jan
@marguicha You're right. I'd still be afraid that they'd be invited and not turn up.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (91020)
• Marion, Kansas
6 Jan
It sounds very awkward. Depending on how much preparation is required, this may be the vehicle to beginning a relationship. I sometimes feel that way about my daughter in law's daughters. Options I choose do not appeal, only what they choose.
3 people like this
• United Kingdom
6 Jan
I have tried. It's all one-sided, though. I did want to get to know both of my partner's daughters because, as I said to him and them, they're important to him so they're important to me. The younger daughter has ignored every attempt at any kind of contact. And, although the eldest does at least respond when I contact her, she's made it obvious that we're never likely to actually spend any time with her or her children. That is what's confusing me. I'd pretty much given up trying because I felt like my efforts were futile, then suddenly she's suggesting that her kids can be my bridesmaids. Just seems rather odd.
2 people like this
@atoz1to10 (6898)
• Australia
6 Jan
There is a saying that 'a way to a man's heart is through his stomach.' So, from what I see, this is the same for you and this daughter of yours. If you want to have a good relationship between the 2 of you, you'd better make her children happy and like you first.
2 people like this
• United Kingdom
6 Jan
If only things were so simple. The babies are only very little anyway (21 months and 2 months). It's going to be very difficult for her children to even get to know me, let alone like me, if every effort we make is met with excuses. It would be easier if they lived nearer, but 200 miles is a long way to just pop round unannounced. We don't even have their address. She's proven that she has no intention of any kind of relationship between her or her children and us. That's why I was confused as to why someone who obviously doesn't want us around would suddenly offer for her children to be included in such an intimate occasion.
1 person likes this
@atoz1to10 (6898)
• Australia
6 Jan
@pumpkinjam Not sure what else to do for you.. Hope you will find a good and happy solution for this issue.
2 people like this
• United Kingdom
6 Jan
@atoz1to10 I hope so too. As I said, I would love to spend time with all of them, and have the little ones as bridesmaids when I eventually get married.
1 person likes this
@Happy2BeMe (70142)
• Canada
6 Jan
I would accept her suggestion and then tell her that in order to plan things you need to spend some time with her and the children. Suggest you go out shopping together or ask for her help in planning your wedding. This may be what you need to build a relationship with her and the children.
2 people like this
• United Kingdom
6 Jan
I did think about suggesting that. I would be worrying that she's only agreeing so that her kids can be bridesmaids, though, rather than because she actually wants us to spend time with them. Ideally, I'd like the chance to get to know them all in general, if you see what I mean. But I would do anything I can to spend time with the babies and with the daughters.
1 person likes this
@Happy2BeMe (70142)
• Canada
7 Jan
@pumpkinjam it may start out that way for her but once she gets to know you better her ways may change
@katsmeow1213 (28925)
• United States
6 Jan
Sounds like she just wants the pride of saying her children were in someone's wedding.
2 people like this
• United Kingdom
6 Jan
They're going to be bridesmaids at her own wedding, to which we haven't even been invited. I fear your suggestion is a possibility.
• United States
6 Jan
@pumpkinjam I hope someday soon she realizes the importance of having family around for her babies.
1 person likes this
• United Kingdom
6 Jan
That sounds like a tough situation to be in, maybe she just wants her kids to be a part of the day, maybe she is doing it for selfish reasons, they key here I guess is trying to gauge her genuine feelings. Good luck and I hope your wedding goes brilliantly.
2 people like this
• United Kingdom
6 Jan
Thank you. We're not planning on getting married for a while yet. I am having trouble gauging her genuine feelings, considering she refuses any offer to spend time face to face. I'd be happy to have the little ones as bridesmaids but I want to get to know them because they're my partner's grandchildren, not just because their mum wants them to be my bridesmaids.
1 person likes this
• United Kingdom
6 Jan
@pumpkinjam that's very laudable and I hope she doesn't create any problems for you.
@diosabella (4843)
6 Jan
I'm extremely confuse too. I mean she doesn't want a serious bond time but she offered the grandkid's as bridesmaids in just a . I hope you get the chance of having a get together soon.
2 people like this
• United Kingdom
6 Jan
Exactly. I hope so too, but I've been trying for over a year already! Perhaps, though, it would, as some other people have suggested, be a good excuse and a good thing to bond over.
1 person likes this
@owlwings (38171)
• Cambridge, England
6 Jan
It seems to be a very difficult situation and, from what you say, she is saying one thing but actually doing another. Is it, perhaps, pressure from her partner or her mother which is causing this 'hot and cold' behaviour? Something like that she would quite like to build bridges with her dad (and his partner) but that she is being actively discouraged from time to time by other members of the family? Offering her children as bridesmaids could be seen in two lights. It might be a genuine attempt to make you and her dad part of the family again or it might just be a way of 'scoring points' (that one's children were chosen as bridesmaids is somewhat boast-worthy). Then again (but I hope that wouldn't be the case, though I have known people be as devious) she might be offering in order to raise all kinds of hidden objections and traps for the unwary, just so she can get some (twisted) satisfaction from being turned down. I really do hope I'm wrong there! I think that you should, at least, try to build on this rather off-hand offer because it MIGHT just lead to a better relationship between her and her dad (and you, of course).
2 people like this
• United Kingdom
6 Jan
You're so insightful, Mr. O. It wouldn't be the first time she'd been discouraged. I don't think her partner is a problem but I would be entirely unsurprised if it was her mother's influence (especially considering other things). I met her mother once. Instant dislike (not because she's his ex!). My other half told me that the girls' mum is a good mum and she's now a lovely person. Then he told me that he wouldn't do something he should have done because the girls' mum would 'kick off' if he made a fuss. Anyway, that's a different story. I have wondered if the daughter is just like her mum, and that would be a shame but would be the explanation as you said with the possible point scoring or deviousness. I'd like to think that it is a genuine attempt at being a family and building bridges. We honestly believed things would be better/easier once she moved away from her mother. She moved about a year ago, I think, but I think her mother still has a hold over her. It's taken me a long time to realise that my other half deserves a relationship with his kids and grandkids so I don't want to stop now, but I had begun to wonder if his kids deserved a relationship with him. I had considered the little ones as bridesmaids anyway, but I wasn't sure that daughter would even turn up. Or, if she did, would her mother be in tow?!
2 people like this
@JudyEv (100851)
• Bunbury, Australia
7 Jan
Gracious, that's wanting your cake and eating it too isn't it? Does she just fancy her kids all dressed up for the day?
1 person likes this
• United Kingdom
7 Jan
I really don't know. I have no problem with the little ones or even with daughter suggesting them. Only that it does seem strange that it's out of the blue after making us feel like we're not welcome in their life for the past two years.
1 person likes this
@JudyEv (100851)
• Bunbury, Australia
7 Jan
@pumpkinjam Very strange indeed. What a shame she can't get over whatever it is that is causing her to act so badly.
@Corbin5 (81626)
• United States
6 Jan
Rather hard to read that eldest daughter. I would be confused by her offer too since she seems to not want to be involved in her children's life.
1 person likes this
• United Kingdom
6 Jan
Just to clarify (because I'm not sure if you've misunderstood a bit or just a typo!) It's us (my partner and I) whom daughter seems not to want in her or her children's lives. Anyway, yes, it is hard to read her and the situation.
1 person likes this
@Corbin5 (81626)
• United States
6 Jan
@Plethos (4847)
• United States
6 Jan
she seems like a very jealous person. doing things out of spite perhaps? vindictive? maybe shes mad your with her dad. its better if you just tell her how you feel and confusing it is to you. im sure your other half is as lost as you are. he probably needs to step in and parent her. its a shame that she may be starting to put the kids in the middle of her possible dislike for you. i bet shes also afraid that her kids will end up likeing you.
1 person likes this
• United Kingdom
6 Jan
Honestly, I have no idea. I know there have been some issues in the past. She's 22 years old, with kids of her own. Her mum left my other half when she and her sister were little, and there have been other partners on both sides since. So I don't see any reason why she'd be jealous.
1 person likes this
@Plethos (4847)
• United States
6 Jan
@pumpkinjam - in this case. its not your problem its between her and daddy. as harsh as it is, youve done what you could and shes not being reasonable. or just have no bridesmaids or groomsmen. just go basic.
@stbrians (11882)
• Kakamega, Kenya
6 Jan
Just have them.Maybe it will be an occasion for a come together
1 person likes this
• United Kingdom
6 Jan
I'd love to. I'm just reluctant to have people I don't know at my wedding, especially when we're excluded from their life.
1 person likes this
@stbrians (11882)
• Kakamega, Kenya
6 Jan
@pumpkinjam My daughter had a weddimg on 26th November. You can guess how many famillies were brouhjt together by that. Yours too shoild bring them together
@allknowing (55750)
• India
6 Jan
One thing is evident out of this and that is today's generation pays a lot of attention to anything that promises fun and no wonder then she offered her children to be bridesmaids.