Confused...

We haven't set a date yet anyway, but we have already said we'd only have a small wedding. With all the close family and our best friends, there would be about 20 people. I'd obviously like my partner's daughters and granddaughters to be there, but I'm not entirely sure they'd even turn up, which is why I was surprised and confused with what his eldest daughter had said!

@marguicha You're right. I'd still be afraid that they'd be invited and not turn up.

@pumpkinjam Such a small wedding does not need bridesmaids. That should be a good excuse. They will be invited and expected with happiness though. Then she will have to decide what to do.

I have tried. It's all one-sided, though. I did want to get to know both of my partner's daughters because, as I said to him and them, they're important to him so they're important to me. The younger daughter has ignored every attempt at any kind of contact. And, although the eldest does at least respond when I contact her, she's made it obvious that we're never likely to actually spend any time with her or her children. That is what's confusing me. I'd pretty much given up trying because I felt like my efforts were futile, then suddenly she's suggesting that her kids can be my bridesmaids. Just seems rather odd.

I really don't know. I have no problem with the little ones or even with daughter suggesting them. Only that it does seem strange that it's out of the blue after making us feel like we're not welcome in their life for the past two years.

@pumpkinjam Very strange indeed. What a shame she can't get over whatever it is that is causing her to act so badly.

Honestly, I have no idea. I know there have been some issues in the past. She's 22 years old, with kids of her own. Her mum left my other half when she and her sister were little, and there have been other partners on both sides since. So I don't see any reason why she'd be jealous.

@pumpkinjam - in this case. its not your problem its between her and daddy. as harsh as it is, youve done what you could and shes not being reasonable. or just have no bridesmaids or groomsmen. just go basic.

I did think about suggesting that. I would be worrying that she's only agreeing so that her kids can be bridesmaids, though, rather than because she actually wants us to spend time with them. Ideally, I'd like the chance to get to know them all in general, if you see what I mean. But I would do anything I can to spend time with the babies and with the daughters.

@pumpkinjam it may start out that way for her but once she gets to know you better her ways may change

If only things were so simple. The babies are only very little anyway (21 months and 2 months). It's going to be very difficult for her children to even get to know me, let alone like me, if every effort we make is met with excuses. It would be easier if they lived nearer, but 200 miles is a long way to just pop round unannounced. We don't even have their address. She's proven that she has no intention of any kind of relationship between her or her children and us. That's why I was confused as to why someone who obviously doesn't want us around would suddenly offer for her children to be included in such an intimate occasion.

@atoz1to10 I hope so too. As I said, I would love to spend time with all of them, and have the little ones as bridesmaids when I eventually get married.

@pumpkinjam Not sure what else to do for you.. Hope you will find a good and happy solution for this issue.

You're so insightful, Mr. O. It wouldn't be the first time she'd been discouraged. I don't think her partner is a problem but I would be entirely unsurprised if it was her mother's influence (especially considering other things). I met her mother once. Instant dislike (not because she's his ex!). My other half told me that the girls' mum is a good mum and she's now a lovely person. Then he told me that he wouldn't do something he should have done because the girls' mum would 'kick off' if he made a fuss. Anyway, that's a different story. I have wondered if the daughter is just like her mum, and that would be a shame but would be the explanation as you said with the possible point scoring or deviousness. I'd like to think that it is a genuine attempt at being a family and building bridges. We honestly believed things would be better/easier once she moved away from her mother. She moved about a year ago, I think, but I think her mother still has a hold over her. It's taken me a long time to realise that my other half deserves a relationship with his kids and grandkids so I don't want to stop now, but I had begun to wonder if his kids deserved a relationship with him. I had considered the little ones as bridesmaids anyway, but I wasn't sure that daughter would even turn up. Or, if she did, would her mother be in tow?!

They're going to be bridesmaids at her own wedding, to which we haven't even been invited. I fear your suggestion is a possibility.

@pumpkinjam I hope someday soon she realizes the importance of having family around for her babies.

Exactly. I hope so too, but I've been trying for over a year already! Perhaps, though, it would, as some other people have suggested, be a good excuse and a good thing to bond over.

Thank you. We're not planning on getting married for a while yet. I am having trouble gauging her genuine feelings, considering she refuses any offer to spend time face to face. I'd be happy to have the little ones as bridesmaids but I want to get to know them because they're my partner's grandchildren, not just because their mum wants them to be my bridesmaids.

@pumpkinjam that's very laudable and I hope she doesn't create any problems for you.