Would you have sex while your child is in the same room as you?
@VivaLaDani13 (60355)
Perth, Australia
February 11, 2017 3:25pm CST
I know. Weird question. I'm in a venting / annoyed type of mood and you will see why when you read this.
I've been seeing a psychologist and some memories have been popping into my mind that I haven't really forgotten but just haven't thought thoroughly into before.
There are some things I have blocked out or don't remember which I am working out with the psychologist. But the things I do remember. I shared with her. And I felt like sharing with you guys too.
Not taking anything away from my psychologist at all. She's actually the best one I've seen to talk things through. But I still felt like venting and asking you guys about it.
I am switching between it being a touchy subject and then it becomes so annoying that I want to cry or yell at my parents...well...at dad. Since mum isn't alive anymore.
Anyway here is goes. When I was about 7 or 8, I was still scared of the dark so sleeping alone in my own bed was an issue. Reasons are still unknown. I was just scared. So I would jump into bed with mum and dad a lot.
But I can think of at least over 10 times where I would wake up in the morning feeling the bed shaking, and moans from mum and dad. They were having sex right next to me. In the same bed.
I had to keep my eyes closed pretending I was asleep. ok now thinking about it p*sses me right off again. Wouldn't you think the normal thing to do is move me back into my room? Idiots!
I asked the psychologist if this was normal. And long story short she said no. It isn't normal to do adult stuff like that in front of the child. Even if they thought I was asleep, still shouldn't have done that.
I already know the answer from the psychologist and my own thoughts but would love to hear what you think.
64 people like this
48 responses
@Daljinder (23233)
• Bangalore, India
11 Feb 17
I don't find this remotely acceptable! 
This could go several ways considering a child's psyche. They may turn out like you did. They might be scarred and scared of the act itself. They might start to think such things and similar things as appropriate and act inappropriate themselves....
Among many other things...........
This could go several ways considering a child's psyche. They may turn out like you did. They might be scarred and scared of the act itself. They might start to think such things and similar things as appropriate and act inappropriate themselves....
Among many other things...........8 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60355)
• Perth, Australia
11 Feb 17
@Daljinder Exactly. I knew back then something was off and wrong. But I didn't really accept that it was not good. Like I was trying and trying to put my parents in the "Good parents" pile. But this is just one of the things they did that makes them slide back into the "Bad parents" pile.
5 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60355)
• Perth, Australia
11 Feb 17
@Daljinder She said it was bad parenting on their behalf. And that is wasn't normal at all and exactly like my thoughts, she doesn't understand why they didn't move me into my own bed. Away from them.
3 people like this
@Daljinder (23233)
• Bangalore, India
11 Feb 17
@VivaLaDani13 Is that what your psychologist deduced?
4 people like this
@MALUSE (69413)
• Germany
11 Feb 17
I wonder why you're interested what members you don't know think about such a personal problem.
In case someone tells you that it is ok. What would you get from such an answer? Would you feel better then? Or blame yourself because you see it as a problem whereas other people don't see it as one?
If someone told you that it is *not* ok, you don't learn anything new because you already feel that yourself.
7 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60355)
• Perth, Australia
11 Feb 17
@MALUSE Nothing anyone would say can change my mind. But I am still curious to see other people's thoughts on the matter. Also because this subject will be discussed again when I see the psychologist next time I see her. I'm not sure why yet but it just helps me knowing other people's thoughts and how people think in general. If someone said it was ok, I would disagree. It just helps my thought process more knowing what others think. It maybe not be something that other people understand, but for me personally, it just helps.
5 people like this
@Daljinder (23233)
• Bangalore, India
11 Feb 17
@VivaLaDani13 Sounds to me like you are trying to gather your thoughts for the next time you talk with the psychologists.
6 people like this
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
11 Feb 17
I could hear my mother and her boyfriend in the next room.. the walls were thin. That's not really so bad because it was another room and they didn't know I could hear them and of course I never said anything..
But one time we went on vacation and we were in a motel room.. it had 2 beds, but they were doing it in the next bed, same room.. It woke me up, I covered my ears and I must have started moaning to cover the sound because next thing I know my mother asked me what was wrong and I lied and said I had an ear ache. Actually my ears did hurt but only because I was trying so hard to plug them.
4 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60355)
• Perth, Australia
11 Feb 17
@katsmeow1213 ah wow. Yeah the first story you explained, isn't exactly fun for the child but like you said, they didn't know you could hear them but it still makes me cringe knowing it was in the same room with the second story. I'm sorry. I can understand why you wouldn't tell her the truth. Not exactly an easy thing to talk about.
3 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60355)
• Perth, Australia
12 Feb 17
@katsmeow1213 oh no. I'm so sorry. There could be a good chance you've blocked out all of that, maybe you didn't hear it or maybe it didn't happen when you were around? I don't know but either way, he is an absolute a$$hole. I'm sorry your mother had to go through that. I can somewhat understand her horror. I was in an abusive relationship. It was more emotional abuse but there were some occasions where the hands would fly at me. Yet he would say it was my fault. No other word but "monsters" comes to my head when I hear of anyone hitting others.
2 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60355)
• Perth, Australia
12 Feb 17
@katsmeow1213 By the sounds of it no and I can feel the tension about why you wouldn't want me to feel bad for her. I still stand by what I've always said, that it isn't easy to get out of an abusive relationship, but to not stand up for your own child? That I really disagree with!
I'm sorry for you.
2 people like this
@allknowing (130066)
• India
12 Feb 17
If your intention is to go past this memory then this is not how it should be done. Just as many incidents in our life need to be brushed off in order to move on this incident could be similarly treated.
Having said that no parents would want anyone to see them while in the act.
7 people like this
@allknowing (130066)
• India
12 Feb 17
@VivaLaDani13 If you think by airing it here it will help you to move on so let it be. My good wishes are with you.
Finally it is the individual that has to do that exercise, an exercise to move on no matter how disgusting those memories are.
5 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60355)
• Perth, Australia
12 Feb 17
@allknowing With all due respect, and I really do respect your opinion. But I personally disagree. And I really do mean personally. I have bottled things up for a long time and not spoken about certain things and it's done nothing but made it much worse for me.
Not everything can be "brushed off." Certain events needs to be addressed to help a person learn the techniques to deal with it. You wouldn't tell a person who was just raped to brush it off would you?
Everyone handles things differently. I don't know if you've been through anything like this, but if you did maybe you could brush it off and easily be ok with it. And maybe your approach on dealing with it would be so much different than mine but that's the thing, I am me. And this is how I deal with it. And so far, it's doing me more good than the harm of me keeping my mouth shut.
6 people like this
@LovingMyBabies (85127)
• Valdosta, Georgia
12 Feb 17
I'm sorry, you and I went through the same kind of things. My parents would have s*x in the living room out in the open-knowing every night I had nightmares and would want my mother. It has caused me trauma in a way as well.
I would NEVER do that in front of my children-that is a private matter.
5 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60355)
• Perth, Australia
12 Feb 17
@LovingMyBabies I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I just don't understand how certain people think it's ok.
I already know you wouldn't do something like that. I've known pretty much from the start of meeting you that you are a great mother.
5 people like this
@garymarsh6 (23393)
• United Kingdom
12 Feb 17
I am so sorry you have had to witness something so taboo. Your parents were irresponsible for doing that with you in the same bed let alone in the same room. Please get it off your chest and move on. Don't let it be a burning thought that is going to torment you for the rest of your life. One thing I know for sure is you would never do that to your own children when or if they come along. Good luck and please try not to dwell on this for too long. Get rid of those demons in your mind and move on to a happier life.
4 people like this
@garymarsh6 (23393)
• United Kingdom
16 Feb 17
@VivaLaDani13 You are welcome and good luck to you!
3 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60355)
• Perth, Australia
16 Feb 17
@garymarsh6 Thank you very much for your encouraging response.
3 people like this
@pumpkinjam (8540)
• United Kingdom
13 Feb 17
With a 7 year old in the same bad, that's absolutely wrong. I can see with a baby in a cot in the same room then some people might be OK with that. But definitely not in the bed next to a child, and definitely not with an older child in the room, same bed or not. Yes, it would have been more sensible to put you back in your own room first.
3 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60355)
• Perth, Australia
16 Feb 17
@pumpkinjam Exactly. I just don't appreciate what my parents did. I feel weird about it now like I did then. Was even a time when they were close to me while doing it, that I could feel either mum or dads arm...or leg rubbing up against me. I couldn't move otherwise I would have fallen out of bed. I didn't know what to do except just lay there waiting for it to be over.
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (58675)
• Delhi, India
15 Feb 17
I think you should forgot the episode as a bad dream. What your parents did in your presence was uncalled for, they should have thought about you before indulging in an activity, which should invariably be done privately. Recalling those moments is not going to help, you have to erase the memory.
3 people like this
@dpk262006 (58675)
• Delhi, India
16 Feb 17
@VivaLaDani13 I know it is easier said than done. However, whenever your mind takes you back to those awkward moments, you need to divert your mind somewhere else. I know you cannot completely stop the flow of thoughts about unpleasant memories.
2 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60355)
• Perth, Australia
16 Feb 17
@dpk262006 oh lol if it were that easy, I would. But I am not a computer where I can delete memories. Erasing memories or pushing memories in the back of your mind is quite unhealthy. I feel dealing with it is better. Well personally better for me anyway.
3 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60355)
• Perth, Australia
16 Feb 17
@dpk262006 True. That is something I am also trying to learn.
2 people like this
@infatuatedbby (95001)
• United States
12 Feb 17
At that age - parents would think one wouldn't know of that subject so they'd think its fine. If I was in the position , I'd be traumatized since its the thought of our parents - but now growing up its only natural. Just not natural to do so in front of kids!
3 people like this
@infatuatedbby (95001)
• United States
17 Feb 17
@VivaLaDani13 Yes that's right have you confronted your parents about it?
3 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60355)
• Perth, Australia
16 Feb 17
@infatuatedbby That's exactly how I see it. It's natural but not so much when it's right next to their child. It just weirds me out.
2 people like this
@Daljinder (23233)
• Bangalore, India
17 Feb 17
@infatuatedbby No, she hasn't. How do one go about doing that anyways? Too weird or uncomfortable! 
3 people like this
@DaddyEvil (137145)
• United States
12 Feb 17
What a terrible thing to wake up to, Dani! (I am so sorry that happened!)
I have never understood how anyone, let alone a parent, could think something like that was appropriate! I do know it happens, though.
I can relate a story that happened when Pretty was about two years old...
Her mother and I were otherwise occupied when Pretty came into our bedroom one morning. Uhm.... I wasn't in a position that I could see, but I heard our bedroom door open. I stopped what I was doing in time to hear Pretty ask where I was at. Her mother told her I was hiding and if I knew what was good for me, I'd continue to hide.
I knew what was good for me, but I wouldn't/couldn't continue when Pretty was in the room! (Yes, my wife became very upset with me, but my brain won't let me continue when a child is present... My wife eventually got over it!)
That is just wrong!
3 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60355)
• Perth, Australia
16 Feb 17
@DaddyEvil Thank you for reading and answering! I would never do anything like that if I had a child. I agree with you totally.
3 people like this
@DaddyEvil (137145)
• United States
18 Feb 17
@Daljinder You don't like the idea that a sandwich is missing from the picnic hamper, DJ?
I didn't think that image was THAT bad! SMH!
(sorry, I was only responding to the imagery created by Dani in this post. I DID tone it down, believe it or not.
)
)3 people like this
@Daljinder (23233)
• Bangalore, India
17 Feb 17
@DaddyEvil Ewww! Don't put bad images in my head
3 people like this
@Drosophila (16573)
• Ireland
12 Feb 17
I think what's important here is how you feel about remembering this. And what you will do about how you feel. If what you do will bring you peace and happiness then that is the thing to do. :)
I wish you the best luck in finding happiness
3 people like this
@Drosophila (16573)
• Ireland
18 Feb 17
@VivaLaDani13 the one other thing I will say is that therapist are often good at asking "Why?" and "How?"
They very rarely ask "What?", which is the most difficult question of all. e.g. "What is it that made you angry when you remembered this?". The answer is more tricky than the "whys" or the "hows".
When you say "angry?" what is this emotion really? What was the last time you had a similar emotion?
I've found I get to the "bottom" of my feelings quicker when I ask "what" questions, than whys or hows.
I wish you the best luck as always.
2 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60355)
• Perth, Australia
16 Feb 17
@Drosophila Thank you very much for your answer. Much appreciated.
3 people like this
@Shiva49 (26201)
• Singapore
13 Feb 17
I never did and my parents slept separately even when we were quite young.
However, I do wonder how couples had many children when they had only one room in the house.
And in joint families that were the norm in India, many managed to have children even when they had to share sleeping space with others!
I can understand your angst.I recall a Thai lady lamenting how her Belgian husband used to smoke every couple of hours at night when their child was a few months old baby - and that was over thirty years ago.
Yes, your parents were not logical at that time.
Many others had to go through with this trauma of experiencing such, sadly - siva
3 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60355)
• Perth, Australia
16 Feb 17
@Shiva49 Yes I can imagine it being a bit difficult for many reasons when having a small house with not enough rooms. In my case, that wasn't even an issue.
Ugh I get annoyed when I hear of people smoking near babies. So selfish.
2 people like this
@stapllotik (1933)
• India
12 Feb 17
I don't know what to comment. Its too personal. By posting such post what do you want to propagate?
3 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60355)
• Perth, Australia
16 Feb 17
@stapllotik It just helps me hearing what others have to say. 
2 people like this
@stapllotik (1933)
• India
17 Feb 17
@VivaLaDani13 thanks. I respect your point of view
3 people like this
@JamesHxstatic (29242)
• Eugene, Oregon
12 Feb 17
It was a very bad idea for them to do that with you in the room, let alone in the same bed.
3 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60355)
• Perth, Australia
16 Feb 17
@JamesHxstatic Couldn't agree with you more. I really don't like that my parents did that.
2 people like this
@nanette64 (20364)
• Fairfield, Texas
12 Feb 17
Wrong, wrong, wrong @VivaLaDani13 . That was absolutely unacceptable.
3 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60355)
• Perth, Australia
16 Feb 17
@nanette64 Agreed! Thank you for answering!
3 people like this
@fishtiger58 (29823)
• Momence, Illinois
12 Feb 17
It's horribly wrong to do that, it's an adult thing not meant for kids to hear or witness.
3 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60355)
• Perth, Australia
16 Feb 17
@fishtiger58 Agree with you totally!
2 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60355)
• Perth, Australia
16 Feb 17
@Kandae11 It sure is. I know I wouldn't do that if I had children.
2 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60355)
• Perth, Australia
16 Feb 17
@sans224 Forgiving them is not easy.
3 people like this
@amateurhuman (60)
•
12 Feb 17
Very brave of you to share such a personal thing. That tells us you trust us. Sometimes it happens that you cannot even decide whether what you are feeling is justified or should you be feeling some other way. I think when we have had a good relationship with someone we find it easier to forget something like this and move on. But if the relationship is not that great every thing opens the floodgates for other unresolved issues. That happens with me atleast. Harmless comments from my parents make me burst because I remember all the other things they said. What do you think
3 people like this
@VivaLaDani13 (60355)
• Perth, Australia
16 Feb 17
@amateurhuman Yeah I agree that certain things that parents do or say can be burned into a child's memory.
3 people like this
