Do people fall in love with other people? Or do people fall in love with what the other person can do for them?

@FayeHazel (20033)
United States
March 27, 2017 10:53am CST
Seeing as this is the time surrounding my failed engagement of 2013 - I find it a wonderful time to write about romance.  Lucky you all!  (Maybe.)  Alright, obviously I'm a cynic.  To those of you in happy relationships - I apologize - I mean no disrespect to your partners or spouses or relationship in general. However I take the point of view that people generally don't really fall "in love".  Do people really "love" one another for the sake of who that person is?  On the surface it is easy to say yes, of course.  However is it that person, that imperfect individual - that you fall in love with?   Because everyone is imperfect, everyone has faults.   Or is it what they do for you?  How they make you feel?   Is that what people fall "in love" with?  I, of course, am including myself in this. I fell "in love" with my ex-fiancé, or so I thought.  Why?  Because I could have long, intellectual conversations with him.  Because he was caring.  Because he understood my life.  Because, around him, I felt I could be myself.  Because, at least for that first little while, he made me feel so attractive and special. Well, shortly after saying "yes" - he became a different person.  Before- he would pick up on the intellectual themes I was trying to get across.  After - he would ignore what I said, only to foam on about his own ego. Before - He cared about me, understood a very trying situation in my life.   After - He would go through something stressful with someone else - and yell at me, picking arguments, refusing to take it up with the source. Before - He told me that I was an artist's dream to draw my face and my body as is were his ideal.  After - I could dress up or down and it didn't matter.  He stopped complimenting me.  He made suggestions that I could loose weight.  He would stare at other women, and told me he preferred to continue having girlfriends after we would have been married.  The first painting he did after he proposed to me was yet another painting of his ex-girlfriend.  A common theme in his works. So - as you see - I thought I loved him.  But did I really love him?  Or did I love how he made me feel?  (Or was the "before" version of him simply not the real him).  Anyway.  My two cents. What's your opinion?  I welcome your examples, too.  *If you enjoy my rantings on romance - please click the green box above that says ror
21 people like this
16 responses
@andriaperry (58938)
• Anniston, Alabama
27 Mar 17
No disrespect but he was a 100% a s s! Sounded like he was all in as long as the chase was still there but once he got what he wanted he no longer felt that thrill, he will never be happy with anyone. I have seen his type many times. You will find the right person for you, he is out there. Keep being yourself and he will show up.
6 people like this
@TRBRocks420 (82888)
• Banks, Oregon
27 Mar 17
What Andrea said. I believe people do fall in love with people, but there is also a lot of money hungry social climbers out there as well.
2 people like this
@FayeHazel (20033)
• United States
28 Mar 17
@TRBRocks420 -- So true. Sometimes people's "love" is motivated by money, power, social standing... (I have some girlfriends like this, which makes me sad but... their choice what they're looking for I suppose) or How the other person makes them feel / what they can do for the other person (caregivers) (Uncle Joe made me think of this angle) Or Infatuation/ social pressures I think it is rare that someone really loves the other... but does happen.
2 people like this
@FayeHazel (20033)
• United States
28 Mar 17
No offense taken, at all :-) Sorry you've seen this type before. It's disappointing for sure. In his case - he stood to gain a great deal. He was a European national - wanted to live here... I would have been a way for a green card for him... I think he thought once I said yes I would stay with him no matter what he did.
@UncleJoe (10875)
• Virginia Beach, Virginia
27 Mar 17
There are so many different aspects to love that it would take a book to cover it all. Still, one of them concerns how someone makes us feel about ourselves and them as well. Nevertheless true love is more of a commitment than a feeling because sometimes outside difficulties interfere with how we feel. There are some who fall in love with falling in love. When the infatuation wears off they seek it elsewhere. True love is not selfish. It means that you love someone for what you can do for them to make them happy. Not what they can do to make you happy. That happiness comes when both parties want the relationship to succeed. I hope that helps.
4 people like this
@FayeHazel (20033)
• United States
28 Mar 17
Love is such a mysterious word, true that. So many meanings. When you love a thing. When you love your parents/family. When you love yourself. And then the many varieties of romantic love. I really enjoyed your well written post. You inspired me to think on this more - I think there are people who are in love with what doing-for-someone-else does for them. I once read a book on "Caregiver personality" - fascinating indeed. Thank you for your writing. I think you should do a love series of writings...
1 person likes this
@UncleJoe (10875)
• Virginia Beach, Virginia
28 Mar 17
@FayeHazel No series is needed if couples can just get to the "bottom line" which is so simple. I've often heard is said that a relationship is a 50/50 proposition. That is the problem. Any union worth keeping has to be 100/100. That's because on days when we can't quite do our hundred, our partners hundred covers us and visa versa.
@responsiveme (16816)
• India
27 Mar 17
Well the love thing is a tricky thing.
4 people like this
@FayeHazel (20033)
• United States
28 Mar 17
So true. So an understatement.
1 person likes this
@Asylum (48224)
• Manchester, England
27 Mar 17
I would expect that both of these scenarios exist.
4 people like this
@FayeHazel (20033)
• United States
28 Mar 17
True, that too...
1 person likes this
@OneOfMany (12401)
• United States
27 Mar 17
At least you got that far. I've had yet to be in a serious relationship. I've had girlfriends and dates, but it's been difficult finding anyone for long. Although I've had my own insecurities and emotional baggage to get through, and that little problem of being in life threatening situations doesn't help either.
3 people like this
@FayeHazel (20033)
• United States
28 Mar 17
You know, that's funny, that's actually what I thought after the whole thing was over. "Well, never been engaged before..." Oh dear, I am interested in your life threatening situations though -- things you choose to do? Like a daredevil or something? Or circumstances outside your control? I do hope that - no matter which the case is - you're alright/.
1 person likes this
27 Mar 17
I already got involved with girls who were only interested in something in return and were very bad experiences.
3 people like this
@FayeHazel (20033)
• United States
28 Mar 17
A shame. I'm sorry to hear you needed to go through that.
1 person likes this
29 Mar 17
@FayeHazel But I learned the lesson.
@JudyEv (134905)
• Bunbury, Australia
28 Mar 17
It's hard isn't it? So difficult to know if someone is going to change once you commit.
2 people like this
@FayeHazel (20033)
• United States
28 Mar 17
It's amazing like that. I would have much rather known what he was like all along. I wonder why people change. :/
1 person likes this
• United Kingdom
1 Apr 17
"It's hard isn't it?" Said the actress to the Bishop.
1 person likes this
@JudyEv (134905)
• Bunbury, Australia
2 Apr 17
@Orson_Kart Or was it the other way round?
@Tampa_girl7 (26235)
• United States
27 Mar 17
It sounds like he was quite a Stinker Don't give up on love. If you do you are letting your ex win.
2 people like this
@FayeHazel (20033)
• United States
28 Mar 17
GOod point -- I'm scared now - if he changed , who can I trust? But I do not want him to win, oh that's an irritating thought right there.
@bluesa (15115)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
28 Mar 17
@FayeHazel , after what has happened to a friend of mine, I can say that I am certain some men just like to claim to be in love and then hurt women. I personally have never been in a serious relationship, I don't have patience, I don't want to compromise and I prefer being single. I think we sometimes tend to fall in love with the idea of being in love, if that makes any sense. I really enjoyed your rant!
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (20033)
• United States
28 Mar 17
Thanks for enjoying my rant, sometimes I worry about the flood of words that spills out of me. :-) I think you're right. IN his case - he was charming, said the things he thought I wanted to hear - until I said yes. I would have preferred to know him, as he was. So true there too. I'm like you, normally I don't have time for relationships and I value my independence -- but occasionally I miss the thought of meaning something to someone, the idea of being in love...
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15115)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
29 Mar 17
@FayeHazel , yes, it is that thought of meaning something to someone that tends to pull at us now and again. And the idea of being in love...fresh love can make a person feel like they are floating, the down side of it is coming back to the earth with a bump when the newness wears off.
• Banks, Oregon
28 Mar 17
Men are jerks, i know i am a man so i can say that, actually no men are not jerks boys are, and sounds like you we're with a very immatue boy i am sorry, i hope you find you're true love, i hope i find a Mr. Right to someday....
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (20033)
• United States
28 Mar 17
Thanks Chris - your comment made me laugh! I tend to agree! No, I'm just kidding - you are right, I believe that is the difference - some men haven't grown up into "men" yet even though their age is well into adulthood. Calling these men , "men" is a did-service to the rest of you. Mr. Right is doing great job of hiding! :-) Thanks for the kind wishes...
1 person likes this
• Banks, Oregon
28 Mar 17
@FayeHazel It's easy to feel bad because Mr. Right hasnt came yet but who knows when he will show up
@teamfreak16 (41508)
• Colorado Springs, Colorado
28 Mar 17
Or three: Do people fall in love with what they think they can change the other into!
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (20033)
• United States
28 Mar 17
Oh that's a good one. A most dangerous way of thinking since most people, in their adulthood , usually cannot change to a great degree... but a mistake that a lot of people seem to make.
1 person likes this
@teamfreak16 (41508)
• Colorado Springs, Colorado
28 Mar 17
@FayeHazel - Yep. I had a girlfriend that tried to change me into a money-driven yuppie.
28 Mar 17
Now in the 21st century, girls prefer rich guys who give them expensive gifts, but there are women who love their man, such a woman is my wife.
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (20033)
• United States
28 Mar 17
I'm happy you found a worthy woman. Unfortunately you are right. I have a friend where her preference is rich men - she likes the gifts and treats they offer. Well, I guess they like the fact that she looks beautiful, like a model. I, personally, don't care as long as he likes what it is he does and isn't interested in me to pay his bills (another experience I have had) :/ Unfortunate that people need to behave in such a way
@Kandae11 (40370)
27 Mar 17
When a man feels that he really has you in his grasp - then his true colors will surface.
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (20033)
• United States
28 Mar 17
He must have felt I was pretty safely within his grasp then, I am so happy I got out of there.
@prinzcy (5057)
• Malaysia
27 Mar 17
Sorry to say this but it's a good thing it ended then. Sound to me like that guy is a complete [please insert any cuss words] He already show his true colours. If you're married then he changed like that, it might be a disaster.
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (20033)
• United States
28 Mar 17
Thanks! I, too, am happy it ended. Life with him would have been a nightmare indeed.
1 person likes this
• Lagos, Nigeria
27 Mar 17
S**t happens get over it and move on with your life...
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (20033)
• United States
28 Mar 17
Thanks for the advice, however some things are easily said and not so easily done. :/
@Orson_Kart (4487)
• United Kingdom
1 Apr 17
Women are romantic, men are lustful.