Being Gay in a Small Town (Part Three)

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When i had sent the letter to Franky and got a response, he seemed as happy to hear from me as i was to find him. He said he had never felt like someone could look up to him before, but i did, i mean i was in total aww here was this teenager two years younger then me whom seemed to figure out the secret to being gay ina small town and being totally open about it. I think me and Franky talked about two days in a row all day online, before we finally decided to call each other, i was still using a landline at the time so imagine how scared i was one of my Grandparents, or cousins or siblings would answer the phone while i was talking to Franky, so i tried to keep our conversations as non gay as i possibly could while still getting to know this man i had developed a huge crush on!! During this time i looked through all his pictures he had the cutest smile, and by now i had really thought this could be it, i think i found Mr. Right! So from then we started dating, what was funny is the place he and his parents lived was the former home of my Uncle Willie and his family, so i was very familiar with the house and the property. Anyway after officially meeting him, and deciding were boyfriends he put in a little pressure for me to come out to my friends and family. That to me was just to much, i mean sure i was happy but i was just not ready i mean how could i be openly gay and be living in my Grandparents house? i was so afraid of disapointing them somehow making anyone thing less of me,and what about my mom i had always been her baby boy i had quite literally never done anything wrong. I finally got enough courage to come out to my cousin Audrey, she at the time was basically my best friend we we're raised together and knew everything about each other, and besides it was her whom had printed that blog that Franky wrote she must be friends with him. So i told Audrey and she was in complete shock i swore her to secrecy telling her i was still really scared about our grandparents, or my mom or anyone else finding out. But then my cousin James found out i was friends with Franky and he said people at school we're talking about it, so i made up a lie i said i was dating Franky's best friend Sadie and i only went to his house so i could see her. Was he beleving it? i don't know but i knew i probably didn't have much time till others found out, Banks is an incredibly small town and word travels fast. So i decided to come out to my mom, i really had to talk myself into it, i was so scared if she disowned me or told me i could date Franky what would i do? i could never lose my mom and family but i also could not stay in the closet this was not a choice i had to live my life openly and proudly, if worse came to worse i guess i would have to find a way and move out on my own. I told my mom as she was driving me to Franky's house she knew i was friends with him but did not know he was gay, she was in shock i almost thought she might swerve off the road and kill us both but she didn't she just cried and she told me her fears she was scared about how others would treat me she did not want me to feel like a minority and deal with hate and homophobia, she was scared id never marry and have children of my own. I comforted and told her i am the same person and i still can do all of that, i can adopt and have a civil union if i want. When she went to drop me off i had to tell her something else and had to trust her she would not tell anyone, i knew she would not as i do not trust anyone more then my mom. But she also needed to know Franky's parents did not know i was Gay or dating Franky either. She made small talk with the parents, and i said my goodbyes, we we're going to meet p with his friends and "see a movie" we told his parents but in reality we went to Barnes and Noble and looked at the Gay book section he talked me into buying a book called Rainbow Boys by Alex Sanchez. We then went to underage gay nightclub which of course did not serve alcohol but did have dancing, this was my first experience being literally surrounded by gay people. The person who brought us was my old friend Mat who also happened to be gay he was quite shocked to find out i was gay, and i think he was a little jealous i was dating Franky. but everyone was cool with each other we also brought along his friend Sadie who was lesbian. It was amazing to be in a Gay club although i was a horrible dancer i felt so alive, i felt that here i could be free i could be me. We danced and hung out for hours till finally we heade back to Franky's place. It was kind of late and i guess his parents went to bed early, they we're very trusting of Franky and i guess since they thought i was straight and that Sadie was there to all would be fine. I called my mom and said we we're all staying the night here i also said Sadie was here as i did not want her to think anything. Truth is Sadie was supposed to stay the night but her mom said no, why you may ask? well her mom did not trust her at a overnight with two boys, if only her mom knew we were both gay and Sadie was fine and that her being there would have been the only thing to stop us from doing anythng. Well we we're alone, and we kissed for the first time, i can't even begin to explain how i felt kissing Franky for the first time it felt like i had found my soulmate he was a incredibly kisser with big pouty lips. We eventually did a little more then kissing but before things went to far we called it a night, afterall bis parents we're asleep in the other room. When we woke up in the morning we had breakfast with his parents and i had to make small talk, Franky made a joke i was his boyfriend which made me have a m ini heart attack, thankfully he said he was just joking and that i was the strightest guy he knows. that gave him and his parents all a big laugh, and i nervously laughed along. The next time me and Franky would meet up we would go alot further, and i knew this i could never come back from but i also knew without question i was gay, i even told him that i loved him. Sadly the very next day he called me and said that we couldnt date anymore and that he was sorry, i dont even remember saying anything back i just froze and hung up the phone. I had never felt so hurt in my entire life, i felt like he had stabbed me in th heart, i had told my mom, my cousins and most of my friends i was gay. I was no longer innocent he broke up with me the day after we made love, i felt so used here i thought he was this amazing guy and really he stole my innocence. It did not matter i was two years older i was the unexperienced one, i was the closeted one here i was as close to being suicidal as i had ever been. I cried myself to sleep and barely withdrew myself from my room, i just felt so disgusted with myself how could i have been so stupid why did i move so fast, why did i trust him so much. I was pretty Emo after this i listened to alot of very dark music, and wrote sad poetry, i never hurt myself but i always thought about how easy it would be to do so. But i loved my family to much i would never put them in that position. It took me alot to come back from those deepest of lows, but that will continue in Part Four. Photo is of me the day after Coming Out as gay