Tales of a New Wife #2: Our Laundry Smelled Great!!!

United States
April 19, 2017 6:37pm CST
Now keep in mind my mother was a Drive-Thru cook, so laundry was outsourced as well. My mom put my clothes away and I don't remember ever seeing dirty laundry around our house growing up. So when I got married the laundry, without my knowledge :), became my duty... After a few days of being married being I noticed we had clothes in the floor. We didn't even own a laundry basket.... I picked the clothes up and literally stared at them for a little while. I tried remembering how mom had done laundry but my mind was blank. I did remember my granny hanging things on the line thingy outside. I looked behind our house and there was a line thingy. Yay!!! The day is saved!!! Well it dawned on me I can't just hang the clothes up and magically have them clean. I called my Nana and asked the unthinkable question, "How do I do laundry?" After she finished giggling at me she made it sound so simple. You wash it, dry it, fold it and put it away... as easy as 1,2,3... Tada!!! Laundry is done!!! I am a college educated, intelligent, confident, 21st century young woman. I CAN do laundry dang it. I went to Wal-Mart and had my list. I found the laundry isle and froze. Why in the world are there 5,000 bottles in this isle?! I just need something to clean my clothes, I wasn't looking to cure any diseases... So I made my way down the isle, pink bottles, purple bottles, orange bottles, blue bottles, and even clear bottles as far as the eye could see. I couldn't tell a difference, so I started sniffing them. One by one, I sniffed all the bottles until I found a blue bottle with a teddy bear on it. I really liked the way it smelled and the bottle said it made the fabric softer. Win win!! I bought my blue bottle, found a small laundry basket t buy and then I went to the laundry mat. I was so excited, I called my husband and told him I was at the laundromat. Now I can't say for sure but I am certain he rolled his eyes at me being excited about doing laundry. When we got off the phone, I got my blue bottle, the new laundry basket I had grabbed at Wal-Mart as well, and proudly marched in to the laundromat full of confidence. I walked in and it smelled great. There were machines everywhere and I had no dang clue where to start. I asked the funny-looking fella that worked there where to start. Ugh... He grunted and told me, "Washers over there. Dyers over there." (Geez, thanks fella.) I walked over to the washers, opened it and poured every piece of clothing from the basket in to the washer. Then (being the intelligent woman I am) read the instructions on the back of my blue bottle. Fill to the line was not hard. But man, there was no way that tiny amount would clean those clothes, any idiot would see that. So I filled to the line, and filled again, and again, and again. Then I spotted a pull out thingy, it said "Detergent" so to be safe I put more blue stuff in that thing as well. I closed the lid and.... What in the hell are all these knobs?! Was I going to launch our clothes in to space? Where the heck was the "Clean My Clothes" button? Seriously, this was harder than my theology course. Religions make sense, laundry is an entirely different story. I, again, used my limited knowledge of the situation to solve my dilemma. I chose Large for the load size because I'd rather have too much water than not enough. I chose Hot for the water temperature because hot water kills cooties and no one likes cooties. I chose Quick Wash because I didn't want to be there all day. Then I couldn't make it start. I looked all over for the start button, the begin button, the now button, but there was no such button. I remember opening the lid and closing it multiple times using various amounts of force thinking maybe there was a sensor for it to start. I eventually went and asked the guy that works there how I start the dang thing. Again he was beyond helpful, "pull the knob" was Mr. Talkative's suggestion. I looked for a knob, there was no knob. I went back and explained my new dilemma, I swear if he rolled his eyes any harder he would have seen his own brain. He lumbers over to the washer I was using and pointed at the dial... not a knob, a dial... I pulled the dial and it started doing it thing. I waited and waited and waited what felt like forever but when it was done, I pulled the clothes out and took them home to hang on the line thingy out back. I get home, walk around to the backyard and go to put the clothes on the line. How the crap do you accomplish this? I started flinging the clothes over the line and they were folded in half. Thank God my elderly neighbor saw me and came to my rescue. She gave me clothes pins and showed me the best way to hang the clothes on the clothes line.... She giggled at me calling it a "line thingy" and I could see why. Lol. Clothes Line makes total sense to call it. She remarked about how wonderful our clothes smelled. I thanked her and explained it was my first time doing laundry so I used a little extra cleaner stuff from my blue bottle. She said I used the perfect amount because even she couldn't get her clothes to smell so good. (Ha!! I KNEW I could laundry!) Eventually I remove the clothes, take the clothes pins back to my neighbor, and fold the laundry and put it away. Days pass and my husband comes home from work talking about the women where he work wanted to know how I got our clothes to smell so good. I told him I used the blue bottle with the teddy bear cleaner stuff. Conversation over... Then my nana comes over one day and notices a stain on a nice shirt of mine. She proceeded to tell me to take it off and change clothes, she would get that stain out if possible. I did as I was told. My Nana then mentioned how the shirt smelled wonderful but she needed to get that stain out. She asked me if I had gotten the laundry done, and I told her proudly I had. She wanted to know the detergent I used. I went to the utility room and got my blue bottle with the teddy bear on it. I handed it to her and I remember the look on her face. She asked me for the detergent again. Was she losing her mind? I had literally just handed her the bottle. She was holding in her hand.... I, politely, told Nana I had just given it to her. Well after she finished laughing harder than I had ever seen her laugh, she tried to tell me something.. by tried I mean she giggled, attempted to talk, giggled some more, coughed from laughing, made her stomach ache, had to sit down and wait for her to catch her breath. Come to find out my blue bottle with a teddy bear is fabric softener and not detergent.... Who the hell made laundry so complicated?! Detergent is the cleaner...Why didn't any of the bottles specifically say, "THIS bottle of stuff CLEANS the clothes." My Nana then goes through our closets, gets out all the clothes I had "washed" and takes them home with her. Then she proceeds to give me lessons on how to do laundry. Apparently you are supposed to sort them according to color, and even separate some of them according to fabric type. (Good grief!!) Then use cold water for some, hot for others, add bleach at some points and many many other things I had NO clue about. Needless to say, I took notes. Eventually we bought our own washer and dryer set and I became confident at the whole laundry task. While I am now good at doing laundry, I occasionally call Nana and ask questions. But, to this very day, I still have family that feel it their personal mission to poke fun of my laundry mishap every time our family gets together.... I'm sure it's because they love me.. ;-) What were you clueless about when you officially were released in to the "Real World"? Please help me feel like I'm not the only goof that's had these problems.
2 people like this
3 responses
• Ponce De Leon, Florida
20 Apr
This was a fantastic story, I now have to follow you and become your friend because you are hilarious.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Apr
Thanks so much. Lol. Sad thing is it's just true. I've made some pretty intense mistakes in our 10yr marriage. Lol. I have literally made a list of stories to write. Lol.
• United States
20 Apr
Hey... you cheated. Lol. Surely other than the pop tart you've made some really bad flops. What was something you totally didn't expect?
@1hopefulman (23468)
• Canada
21 Apr
That was really funny! But everybody liked how you got the clothes to smell so nice. My mother did the laundry when I was young and my wife did them after that and when I found myself alone I got some quick instructions and I learned a few things. One was to never buy anything white.
@JudyEv (111077)
• Bunbury, Australia
20 Apr
This is SO funny! I guess most of us learn all this stuff from our mothers. Everything you did is perfectly understandable so don't feel bad. This has been a great read.