Suicide...

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Yesterday was hard. It was one of the roughest days I've had in decades. I about lost my mind. I wanted to die so badly, and couldn't see past it.I figured out that I think it has to do with a change in my medication (my primary had the bright idea to up my bipolar meds without my psychiatrist's knowledge) and I took my old dose today. I feel much better. However, I wanted to talk a little bit about suicide... I see a lot of people who post the National Suicide Prevention phone number on their Facebook walls, and I have news for you: people that are seriously planning on killing themselves aren't calling that number. They aren't talking to anyone. They are Googling painless ways to kill themselves and locking themselves up in their house ignoring everything else except that awful pain they can't escape. Pay attention. If you haven't heard from a good friend in awhile, reach out. If you notice that your friend is turning into a hermit and isolating themselves from social media and friends, reach out. When you are in that dark place you don't want to drag anyone else into it. You feel guilty and don't want to burden anyone. They might think that the people around them would be better off without them and their problems in their life. It is an awful feeling. I got to the point where I felt completely useless to my children and their lives might be better without me in it. But that isn't true, is it? Sometimes we lie to ourselves to justify making our pain disappear. My children would be crushed. And the worst part? I really don't have anyone who I know like me. I know that even when my kids are adults and they get into that dark place, they can benefit from my experiences and reach out to me without judgment. That's my job. I would hate for them to feel alone as I feel. Don't worry, the rational part of my brain kicked in before I did anything stupid, but I was at that point. That terrifying point where if I stepped off that ledge (metaphorical ledge), I couldn't come back. I called my doctor and set up an appointment for tomorrow. I went to my surgeon for a consult today. I started working on my disability paperwork. I am keeping busy and planning... I also have a plan for the next time I feel that way. I'm not stupid, but we all get lost sometimes.