Mixed feelings about tomorrow

@Asylum (44678)
Manchester, England
July 17, 2017 10:30am CST
Today I visited Christie hospital for an MRI scan. Now I will be returning tomorrow to start my chemotherapy. I have been patiently waiting for this day to arrive, but now find myself with mixed emotions. On the one hand I am delighted that the treatment is finally starting. My health has declined rapidly over the previous weeks and too many days are becoming difficult to bear. If the treatment was delayed much longer then I would be seriously suffering, whereas now I may have some level of respite. On the other hand, the list of potential side effects is quite extensive. Apparently some people have virtually no problems at all, while others tend to react extremely badly. My biggest concern is the total lack of knowledge as to how the treatment will affect me. If I knew just what to expect then I would be better equipped to deal with this, but the complete unknown does instil fear into me. It may be that next week I look back and realise that my concerns were unfounded, but that does not eradicate my current apprehension. It is just over a month since I became aware of how serious my condition was, but chose to approach it with a philosophical view. So far I have had no problem with accepting the reality of this and have not been even tempted to overreact. Now I suddenly find myself unable to ignore the fear that I am experiencing. Tomorrow I shall make a concerted effort to appear unconcerned because showing how I feel would be very unfair to my brother.
37 people like this
40 responses
@LadyDuck (99178)
• Switzerland
17 Jul
Barry, your brother surely is concerned, so you can remove your mask and open a bit to him. Sometimes talking about our fears is not too bad. I can only say good luck for tomorrow.
11 people like this
@marlina (54065)
• Canada
17 Jul
I agree with @LadyDuck here. Feel free to talk to your brother about your emotions. It will help you a lot. Good luck
7 people like this
@LadyDuck (99178)
• Switzerland
17 Jul
@marlina Keeping everything inside and fainting that all is okay can be too much stressful.
3 people like this
@Asylum (44678)
• Manchester, England
17 Jul
The only two offline people that know my health condition are my brother and my neighbour, who I feel have a right to know. Beyond that I have kept the fact a secret because it is a subject that most people feel uncomfortable about. That is where Mylot has been a vast help to me because I have been able to express my feelings, which has really helped.
8 people like this
• United States
17 Jul
@Asylum Praying for you. I suspect that your brother is concerned as much as you are. He may be concerned about how little you seem to be concerned. It can help both of you if you open up to him.
7 people like this
@Asylum (44678)
• Manchester, England
17 Jul
My brother has always had a similar outlook to life as I have. He would have been concerned if I had received the initial news badly, but since I genuinely had no extreme concerns he also took the news well. He has driven over from the local town where he lives regular and spent hours doing whatever he could to help. I have no desire to ask more from him.
3 people like this
@silvermist (13457)
• India
17 Jul
I agree with the other responses here.Have a heart to heart talk with your brother.You would be surprised.Good luck for the chemo tomorrow.
6 people like this
@Asylum (44678)
• Manchester, England
17 Jul
I cannot help but feel that he has enough to contend with.
4 people like this
@Hatley (146399)
• Garden Grove, California
17 Jul
@Asylum my friends so so you really
1 person likes this
@silvermist (13457)
• India
18 Jul
@Asylum But in your case,if you keep quiet about your worries,how can he help you.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Jul
I'm sure your brother would expect you to be concerned considering what you are facing. I hope that you are in the category where the treatment doesn't give you any trouble. My thoughts will be with you tomorrow
6 people like this
@Asylum (44678)
• Manchester, England
17 Jul
I am hoping the same, but cannot stop being apprehensive.
3 people like this
@Inlemay (16881)
• South Africa
19 Jul
@Asylum you are only human - but a brave and gentle caring one that hopefully will handle all the struggles that are coming your way with great strength. We are keeping you in our prayers and sending love
1 person likes this
@Asylum (44678)
• Manchester, England
19 Jul
@Inlemay Very kind of you Lany.
2 people like this
@andriaperry (19933)
• Anniston, Alabama
17 Jul
You will be just fine. I am with a stage 4 lung cancer patient and he has taken 34 rounds of radiation and 6 rounds of chemo, he is in remisson at the moment, today he began immune therapy to help stop the cancer from returning. 7 weeks ago they operated and took out a liver tumor. All of his hair is back! He has not lost weight and is getting his strength back He began chemo in January. Expect to be dog tired! And achy joints and muscles. I used biofreeze on the joints and muscles and it took his pain away, even th pain pills did not work for that. You will not be hungry at all but make yourself eat, eating and drinking a lot of water helps to flush the chemo through you and out. I did this, Tony did not want to eat but a couple things, if it was just hot dogs , I made them if he wanted just ice cream I got it. The key is to drink the ensure for the vitamins you miss. If you can get any, blackberry juice calms the stomach, you may or may not have an acidy stomach. Oh and the hair, just shave it and get it over with, its much easier than cleaning hair up and crying as you brush and its all in the hair brush. You will be just fine and yes things like this will and does scare the hell out of all of us.
5 people like this
@Asylum (44678)
• Manchester, England
17 Jul
I have already been extremely tired for some time and now find that most days are constant pain.
5 people like this
@andriaperry (19933)
• Anniston, Alabama
17 Jul
@Asylum That WAS how he felt, now that he is in remisson and then had surgery he is slowly getting more energy. He no longer needs a wheelchair or any assistance walking.
3 people like this
@Asylum (44678)
• Manchester, England
17 Jul
@andriaperry A respite from the present pain would be fabulous.
3 people like this
@amadeo (37834)
• United States
17 Jul
I for one did not realized this.You have a lot of friends here.They are here to support you
5 people like this
@Asylum (44678)
• Manchester, England
17 Jul
The support from my Mylot friends has been invaluable.
2 people like this
@amadeo (37834)
• United States
17 Jul
@Asylum Great
1 person likes this
@Corbin5 (61857)
• United States
17 Jul
I believe the majority of those in your situation would be fearful due to the unknown aspect. The fear is normal. Fighting the fear would just increase anxiety, so it is best to let the fear rise and then fall, if you can. I think it noble you do not want to upset your brother, however you can voice your concerns to him. I am so glad your brother will be accompanying you for your treatment.
5 people like this
@Asylum (44678)
• Manchester, England
17 Jul
He will be with me on the first day, but I will be alone for the rest of the week.
1 person likes this
@Freelanzer (5192)
• Canada
17 Jul
It is human to feel fear and it is good that you can talk about it. It is the fear e feel that makes us stronger. I am sure you will be find and my thoughts will be with you.
5 people like this
@Asylum (44678)
• Manchester, England
17 Jul
Fear is proportional and can often be controlled, but somehow this time is different.
3 people like this
• Lakewood, Colorado
17 Jul
I am happy your brother will accompany you. This will make such a difference to you. What I found here when attending the sessions with Mother was that the staff were so helpful and educating the patient, that the first time going was never as bad as I had imagined in my mind. I hope this will be the case for you and the side effects, if you have any at all, are minimal. I can understand this apprehensive feeling full well.
4 people like this
@Asylum (44678)
• Manchester, England
17 Jul
The potential of severe side effects is heightened by the fact that I live alone.
3 people like this
• Lakewood, Colorado
17 Jul
@Asylum Yes of course. I wonder if they are going to give you the immune booster after the treatment. It seems to help with the side effects if any. Its called Neulasta or it may be another name there. The most Mother had with the first treatment was a tiny bit of nausea that was it. Then the rest nothing.
3 people like this
@Asylum (44678)
• Manchester, England
17 Jul
@TiarasOceanView I would certainly welcome such an easy time.
1 person likes this
@MALUSE (25912)
• Denmark
18 Jul
I don't think it's healthy to suppress your fear. I'm sure your brother - like everybody else - can understand it.
4 people like this
@Asylum (44678)
• Manchester, England
18 Jul
He would, but I have already been a great burden to him.
1 person likes this
@MALUSE (25912)
• Denmark
18 Jul
@Asylum Don't think like that. You'd help him, too.
1 person likes this
@Asylum (44678)
• Manchester, England
18 Jul
@MALUSE It has become academic now because the chemotherapy has been postponed. I collapsed in the blood test area and have now been admitted to hospital. I am now on morphine and a heart monitor.
1 person likes this
@mandala100 (10650)
• Hong Kong
18 Jul
@Asylum I hope and prya for your successful chemo. Good luck my friend.
3 people like this
@Asylum (44678)
• Manchester, England
18 Jul
Thank you
1 person likes this
@mandala100 (10650)
• Hong Kong
18 Jul
@Asylum Your welcome and you'll be in my thoughts and prayer my friend.
1 person likes this
@mandala100 (10650)
• Hong Kong
19 Jul
@Asylum he is liked being caught in a tag of war.
1 person likes this
@allknowing (54154)
• India
18 Jul
Who wouldn't. It is easy for me to say take it in your stride but that is an uncalled for advice. You are doing a good job of having accepted it which in itself will help you face what you will soon experience. Side effects will be there as you have said not all are severe. Keeping my fingers crossed and you too.
3 people like this
@Asylum (44678)
• Manchester, England
18 Jul
I am aware that my fears may be unfounded, but than again they may not be.
2 people like this
• Eugene, Oregon
18 Jul
I am certain that you will make a good show of it. I do hope that it helps and does not cause more discomfort.
3 people like this
@Asylum (44678)
• Manchester, England
18 Jul
I cannot imagine more pain than I am in now.
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (85362)
• Marion, Kansas
18 Jul
Mentally, prepare for the worst possible scenario, then you can be pleasantly surprised.
3 people like this
• United States
17 Jul
You should handle it in the way you feel best. You know your relationship and it is your wish not to make him uncomfortable by a show of emotion. That being said, you might feel emotionally vulnerable in the moment during the next few months occasionally and it is your brothers privilege to extend a quiet comfort. It will give him great comfort later that he was a tower of strength for you. There will be ups and downs in the coming months and he will treasure the closeness that undoubtedly will increase. At this time, in the early stages you can be the tower of strength for him.
3 people like this
@Asylum (44678)
• Manchester, England
18 Jul
The reality is that I may be unable to hide the truth very well because I am having difficulty thinking clearly recently.
2 people like this
@JudyEv (86357)
• Bunbury, Australia
17 Jul
I do hope the day goes well for you and that you don't experience any bad side-effects. Sending positive vibes by the bucketload.
3 people like this
@Asylum (44678)
• Manchester, England
17 Jul
I may not experience many side effects, but will still be apprehensive for the first few days.
2 people like this
@AmbiePam (43588)
• United States
17 Jul
I'm so sorry you have to experience it. My grandmother actually did very well, while one of my aunts never even lost her hair. I think that is rare, not to lose your hair. But I was really concerned my grandmother would suffer badly, and tiredness was her biggest problem. Which is still a problem, but at her age, I feared worse.
3 people like this
@Asylum (44678)
• Manchester, England
17 Jul
I am already experiencing constant weariness, but I probably would not even notice an increase.
3 people like this
@sishy7 (22820)
• Australia
18 Jul
I'm joining everyone on here in wishing you the best possible outcome of the treatments you will start tomorrow. My thoughts and prayers are with you. You're not alone!
2 people like this
@Asylum (44678)
• Manchester, England
18 Jul
I dread to imagine what may transpire.
1 person likes this
@sishy7 (22820)
• Australia
18 Jul
@Asylum I would be too... It is a dreadful thing to imagine... But I seem to recall you said you have nothing to lose, so please just gather all your strength and move forward with the treatments...
1 person likes this
@Hannihar (2344)
18 Jul
I am so so sorry for what you are going through and hope chemo will help and that you go into remission. If not so much for you, would you please keep us informed or write me a message every so often to let me know how you are. Thank you.
2 people like this
@Asylum (44678)
• Manchester, England
18 Jul
The problem is that I am already in severe pain, so any increase would be unbearable.
1 person likes this
@Hannihar (2344)
18 Jul
@Asylum I am so so sorry.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (106969)
• Boise, Idaho
17 Jul
Knowing what to expect would certainly help. Hope it goes well for you.
2 people like this
@Asylum (44678)
• Manchester, England
18 Jul
Knowing what to expect would make a vast difference.
2 people like this
@celticeagle (106969)
• Boise, Idaho
18 Jul
@Asylum ......Next time you will know.
2 people like this