Limits to being nice

@vandana7 (67698)
India
January 25, 2018 11:10pm CST
Now...I do not understand 100 percent of what this girl is saying thanks to the speed at which she is talking and me being not native English speaker. But I do believe she is right about being assertive when we are uncomfortable, to the extent it becomes rude, especially when the other person knows that he or she is being shrewd or putting us in awkward situations. Nobody is a fool not to realize how another person must be feeling. Most people will tell you be nice, kind, caring, and it is easy. But at times, it is necessary to be nice, kind, caring, etc., to self. May be 10-20 percent of your lifetime. In some cases, such as mine it goes to 40 percent of being not nice, but there are always exceptions to the rule. Just saying so that you do not carry any guilt for standing up for yourself. How often do you do that?
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10 people like this
11 responses
@hereandthere (32791)
• Philippines
26 Jan
there used to be a fish seller (2 guys) that came to us referred by a relative. i got pissed one time when one of them kept interrupting me as i was choosing and thinking and talking to his companion. i was forced to speak up, he took walked away so me and his companion can finish the transaction. after a while i heard that he told our relative that they won't offer us their fish anymore because i'm a beach. no biggie.
3 people like this
@vandana7 (67698)
• India
26 Jan
That is good. Sometimes people need to be put in their place.
3 people like this
• Philippines
26 Jan
@vandana7 another fish seller comes to us daily. if i only want 1/4 of a kilo, she's okay with it. if i buy nothing, she doesn't push it.
3 people like this
@vandana7 (67698)
• India
26 Jan
@hereandthere When they push it, it is definitely definitely irritating and time to say no.
3 people like this
@Theresaaiza (10484)
• Australia
26 Jan
Actually watched the vid and it really hit close to home cause I feel like I am that. I am too nice. I am not even kindest on the inside. I have an attitude but I prefer to be nice even if it becomes way unpleasant for me. Walked over. Compromising my own priorities to help others. The thing though is she never mentioned rude in the video itself so I am guessing she used that title to catch people's interest/attention.
3 people like this
@vandana7 (67698)
• India
26 Jan
I believe rudeness is a way of perception. Sometimes a simple no goes down as rude, even without using wrong words. Standing up for self has become synonymous as being rude in the eyes of some people who want to get their way all the time. So what constitutes as rudeness differs in the eyes of different people. What matters there is, stand up for yourself, do not let others walk all over you.
2 people like this
@LadyDuck (176962)
• Switzerland
26 Jan
Interesting discussion. My husband, no longer than two hours ago, was telling me I have been too nice to my brother and my niece, I have let go too many things and that I should claim what is mine and I have the right to get.
2 people like this
@vandana7 (67698)
• India
26 Jan
The point is, are you comfortable or uncomfortable with the idea. If you are comfortable, there is nothing lost. If you are not, you need to be assertive - dare to be the bad girl.
3 people like this
@LadyDuck (176962)
• Switzerland
26 Jan
@vandana7 I WAS comfortable in the past, no more now after noticing how selfish the other members of my family are. I have to start to be a bad girl.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (67698)
• India
26 Jan
@LadyDuck Time does not matter. When you start feeling uncomfortable, you need to stand up for you.
1 person likes this
@silvermist (20116)
• India
26 Jan
I was too nice a person to all in the past.Not any more.We should learn to say No to some.Of course without being rude.
2 people like this
@vandana7 (67698)
• India
26 Jan
Saying No itself is often not adequate. They continue to intrude and some people presume you have some needs, which we don't. Salesperson attitude. It becomes necessary to be rude. Here is one example. Two years ago, this MBA student arrived at my place, donate for xyz organization. I had donated to the same organization in March that year, and this guy came along with a girl to my place in April. Now, I have worked in auditor's office, and I know how this NGO business goes on. They come to your place collect the sum, 24 percent of that is pocketed by the middlemen..yeah..you got it. 24 percent! They buy the list from the organization and go around collecting the checks, which to me seems easy money. These services are to be taken for roping in new donors, not approach existing donors. I politely explained that since they'd come in April, which is disgustingly hot month out here, I will give it this time, but my logic is this so next time neither they nor anybody else from the same organization should approach me. I will personally go to the orphanage, meet my ward, and check if he is being treated well. They nodded. Had a visit from another set of MBA students in May, June, August, November, till I sent a stinker to the organization saying...PLEASE STOP. I am not going to donate denying me food. One year they stopped. This year it is the same story and the same boy to whom I had explained why I am not ok with them approaching existing donors. The nerve! I said I will go in person and shut the door without giving him a chance to utter anything.
3 people like this
@silvermist (20116)
• India
27 Jan
@vandana7 But that is a situation where we have to be rude.I think I would have said NO the second time around itself. I am surprised you endured this this long.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (67698)
• India
27 Jan
@silvermist I have started snapping nowadays, and realize that it is because of this irritation and similar things. We have ICICI guys calling, we have Indiainfo guys calling, and then HDFC life and a host of other people calling us. Then if we add charities to the list, they are making us miserable for doing charity...irritating to say the least. I sent a stinker and it worked one year.
1 person likes this
26 Jan
Being nice is one thing, but always keeping in mind that we play a role in what we bring into our lives. She mentioned saying things that were more on the lines of what she thought others wanted to hear. I have found that when I am being truthful to myself, it is easier for me to be truthful to others. I am not the guy to ask how this dress looks because I will give my honest opinion. Someone might say ... but why be hurtful. It's not being hurtful, it's being honest. It is not up to me to determine how you take my opinion. And let;s say we are going to this function together ... the one the dress if for. We arrive and people give you a look and one of your best friends pulls you aside and "does" tell you something they notice about the dress that maybe doesn't bring out your most attractive feature. Now by me being dishonest ... yes, that's what it is ... I have played a role in bringing about feelings of discomfort for you and I have also brought into our relationship concerns of honesty as you would now question what else I am willing to give you lip service about. My words can very often have a lasting impact on what happens to me in two minutes from now, two days or even years. Speak the truth ... and as adults we should be able to speak clearly enough to one another and not mean, loud or any way that would be considered rude.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (67698)
• India
26 Jan
The situation is different I think. Situation you are saying A asks, B opines...opinion is honest but interpreted as rude. A has no ulterior motive. B will not be at a loss or discomfort while opining. Situation we are saying is A forces B to do say something ...forces...with a view to gain monetarily, physically, or emotionally. There is an ulterior motive in which B is uncomfortable...is unable to decide whether it would be right wot say stop or not, and if so, how. So B wants the situation to stop! Whereas in the first situation, B is indifferent to the situation. As to your honesty, always be honest. But make it gentle. Do not offer too glorious compliments at times ..here are some examples that I could suggest. A asks B how am I looking...hmmm let me see...isn't this the dress you wore the other day? A ...what..you don't even notice my clothes? No...this resembles that dress which does not compliment you much. A - You mean this does not suit me? B - Sigh...I am glad it does not. I won't have to fear somebody will steal you from me. A asks B how am I looking...hmmm...B: Ok. A...Just Ok? ..B. ..O followed by K A and Y. Something like that. You all should observe other elders with long standing marriages. Humor gets the truth across very neatly.
1 person likes this
26 Jan
@vandana7 ... My response was based on the statement she made in the early part of the video about saying what she thought others wanted to hear. Invariably, this is where our available responses go wrong. In either scenario and pretty much any other one you could come up with, we start to back ourselves in a corner when we don't respond truthfully and instead make the response that we see as easiest in that given situation. I have been told I am rude when the salesperson comes to the door but the truth is ... I am not interested in hearing their sales pitch and I say exactly that. I tell them to have a nice day and good bye. But I make it clear, I am not interested in buying whatever it is they are selling. This can be very challenging when entering an arena we are not familiar or comfortable in ... like buying a car, mortgage banking, insurance, etc. I have no problem being honest with myself and clearly telling the other person, I am not following, we need to go back and talk about this again. And yes ... humor works well in this situations. It is easier to place blame on myself and lack of intelligence when asking some one to further explain to me insurance premiums and why I am going to be paying "X" for something I barely understand. But always speak up for yourself or you might end up being the one who is paying more ways than you can imagine.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (67698)
• India
27 Jan
@AJRementer Sales pitch ..you have the right to be rude. I am rude too.
1 person likes this
@stapllotik (1218)
• India
26 Jan
It is an art for standing up for yourself. If you are too forward you may come off aggressive. But then if you get easily frightened, it's less likely you'll be taken seriously. What I get from it is conflict, which I hate.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (67698)
• India
26 Jan
Invariably there is anger and hatred at the end of it. But then we also know on which side the truth is. That should be the consoling factor. As I see it, I will be unhappy either way. By letting me being walked over, others will be encouraged to do so. I would be setting me up for more unhappiness and reacting in future while not reacting now will make it personal enmity with another. Right now health is with me, I can withstand the stress of this decision, in future there might be too much for me to withstand. Now is when I need to act saving me botheration in future. Agreed we will be bad in eyes of some. But most of them who look at us like that would be bad apples. So we are actually spared more serious problems if we show we can stand up for us.
1 person likes this
• India
26 Jan
@vandana7 Right. And it is difficult when there is a situation with near and dear ones.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (67698)
• India
26 Jan
@stapllotik Absolutely. But it needs to be addressed no matter what. It is merely choice between quantum of unhappiness. Obviously, nobody wants to be unhappy forever.
1 person likes this
@Srbageldog (8244)
• United States
26 Jan
I let people walk all over me too often. I am learning to stand up for myself and be more assertive. The older I get, the easier it is becoming.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (67698)
• India
26 Jan
Exactly. We do need to stand up for ourselves. It is injustice to ourselves otherwise. No god said let others walk over you - be nice to that extent.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Jan
@vandana7 My philosophy is that I will be respectful and kind to those who are respectful and kind to me in turn. I do not believe in turning the other cheek, however. If someone treats me badly, I will not tolerate it. I will treat them as they treat me.
1 person likes this
@mohit459 (12017)
• Haldwani, India
26 Jan
Now I don't care much.. mean society, fake people, shi**ty people...
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (67698)
• India
26 Jan
Not really. It is like this. A box of marble. 30 are white, 30 are black, and 30 are gray. We can manage with white and gray but blacks trouble us. Shake them up, identifying yourself as a marble. You will realize that you are surrounded randomly by people not of your choice. Your luck whether they are blacks and grays or whites. You can shake them up again. No problem, till you find whites. But do not, I repeat do not put up with the black marbles.
1 person likes this
@mohit459 (12017)
• Haldwani, India
27 Jan
@vandana7 ok.. Mam I always keep you words on my mind and make it sure as you have stated..
1 person likes this
@Plethos (10935)
• United States
26 Jan
im an a-hole, a cold blooded uncaring s.o.b.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (67698)
• India
26 Jan
Same here, except I can't be son so I am daughter ..lol
1 person likes this
@jstory07 (70038)
• Roseburg, Oregon
27 Jan
You should always take up for yourself.
1 person likes this
@thelme55 (15059)
• Germany
28 Jan
I was so nice before but now not anymore as nice. Bad experience taught me I should not to as I was abused for being so nice.