On the outside looking in?
February 9, 2018 1:53am CST
I'm just trying to feel something right now. It's really tough because I've become a "non-person". I don't have a home any more, just a huge pile of twisted metal and charred ruins. I have the bare minimum!m in clothing because I am living under someone else's roof. I got up this morning and looked around and the place is a monument to his deceased wife, his daughter and her dogs! I feel about as welcome as a zit on prom night. I finally asked if I could hang up my cat calendar (he has 2 calendars his daughter made with pictures of her dogs through the whole year PLUS smaller pictures of the dogs on holidays and important dates) he said yes, where ever I could find room. As I said before, I'm sharing a room with his deceased wife. Don't get me wrong, I liked his wife, but she's been gone seventeen years. Somehow it doesn't feel right living each day viewing shrines to people who are gone. It adds to the feeling of being a non-person. I got called into work today. I figure the money from work as my fun money to spend as I please. I found a piece of fabric which will be perfect for a Hawaiian dressed bear, a wind up toy bear that made me smile which is something I really needed today, and a neat collectable motorcycle pin for Bill. As I was paying for the items my boss made comment about my squandering my money. (Thanks for adding to my feeling of being a non person!). I explained why I was buying the items...like I really should need to!?! I'm just feeling the loss. I miss coming home to my fur babies, having them in my lap, purring their hellos. I miss my bed, my home,my studio. I tie dyed the thread for the bear noses an was told that it made too big a mess on Bill's deck and I'd have to do it somewhere else. I know he is irritated at the mess that is in "his" living room from my working on the bears. I'm going to try to make room in his wife's room for working on the bears. That way there isn't a mess in "his" living room caused by this non-person. I get up in the morning before him and when I had my own home I turned on the T.V. when I got up. Now I wait three hours so the house is quiet for him. When the television is on it is tuned to either "Gunsmoke" or "Barney Miller", neither of which I care much for. This all cruised through my mind tonight on the ride home. It struck me that I was a non-person on the outside looking in, wishing for her home and her life back! I hoped with all my heart that we would come to where my house was and it would be there again, that everything was as it had been before...but it wasn't. I'm still a non-person, hoping one day to get the news that at least I won't be on the outside looking in, and I can have fur babies again.
• United States
That must be so hard! A lot of people don't understand the need for creative expression - art is as good as therapy in my opinion, especially if you are in a place where you feel like you can't express yourself and you have gone through a lot of hard times! I agree that's a low comment from your boss to judge how you would spend your money! Creativity is so important for our emotional well-being, and that can make all the difference in other things coming into place! Hopefully things will get better - they usually do even though that's always hard to believe when everything seems out of place and while going through hard times. I'm sure you have looked into different assistance programs in your area - do you have any art friends local to you? Maybe you could collaborate with some other artists and do an auction or event to help raise some funds to get back on your feet again?
• United States
Thank you!!! Few people seem to understand how important creative expression to the artistically inclined is. You'll love what happened to me at work Friday. I had just bought some vintage jars for my miniature bears to sit in, my boss made some comments about where the bears would sit. I told him in the jars and he immediately stated they wouldn't fit. I bet him $5 that the bear I had on display would (he came back with "the jar only costs a dollar and he didn't know I had a bear that small in the shop!") I got the bear out of the display case and showed it to my box when one of my regular customers came in and bought the bear on the spot!!! It left my boss with his mouth hanging open! It was kind of odd this evening. I went down to the ruins of my home, had a good hard cry, and the creativity started flowing freely again. I have some work to do on a miniature cat pattern, it'll be about three inches tall. It should fit in the vintage jars. When I get them finished the money from the sales will go to the local shelters. I'll post pictures of them when they're done.
• United States
@dodoazo You've hit the nail on the head! He claims to love me but a lot of his actions speak otherwise. He can't understand my tears, he thinks they're part of my "mood". He can't understand that the mood is being caused by pain, not physical pain but emotional pain. I feel like I'm in the way...if you read a little further you'll get the idea.
• United States
It can be really hard living with someone else. After 17 years it is off he still has everything as if his wife were still alive. That isn't very healthy. Why does he need two calendars anyway? It seems like him saying where you can find room to put one up would make you feel like a burden Can you get funding to get an apartment of your own?
• United States
With the way things are trying to get funding for my own place is like my trying to get elected president of the world! He's not getting the idea at all. Just like my giving him the small collectable pin to give him a hint about the motorcycle I got him for Valentines day. I'm so, well was so excited but it amounts to another thing in or around his house....like I'm just another thing in or around his house taking up space. He just doesn't understand how much that little comment of "not as long as I have to keep it in MY house" hurts!