a lot on my mind right now

San Jose, California
March 24, 2018 6:09pm CST
There's a lot that's been weighing heavy on me lately. Every time I start to post about it, I don't really know where to begin. Things regarding aging, regarding parenting, and the aging of my parents... things that I've realized over the years, and lessons learned too late. My mom's birthday was a couple of weeks ago. My dad has a birthday this weekend. I called them on both days, although Mom's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point that she doesn't really know who I am on the phone, and that's hard. She at least knows I'm her daughter, just not which one. Mom is currently on a waiting list for a really good assisted living community with a memory unit. Dad's plan is to sell the house after she moves in so he can get an apartment nearby. I know it hasn't been an easy decision for him, but this may be the best of all the available options. There's really no perfect scenarios here. In the above picture, my parents are younger than I am now. Mom was pregnant with one of my younger brothers, and would still have another brother a few years later. I think they were tired then.
13 people like this
15 responses
@Tina30219 (35560)
• Onaway, Michigan
24 Mar
I hope your mom gets into a unit very soon and when your dad puts the house on the market that it sells fast and he gets what he needs out of it.
4 people like this
• San Jose, California
24 Mar
He already has an offer on it. One of our neighbors' relatives grew up in the house and would be buying it back, so it's almost like it's staying in the family. Dad had a pretty good elder care plan in his insurance, and it's going to cover nearly all of Mom's care expenses, so there's that at least.
1 person likes this
@Tina30219 (35560)
• Onaway, Michigan
25 Mar
@spiderdust wow that is good. At least you know who the house is going to. Has your dad found a place for himself yet?
2 people like this
• San Jose, California
25 Mar
@Tina30219 I don't know.
1 person likes this
@JolietJake (51107)
• United States
24 Mar
I've got a few things I consider posting about, and sometimes even get half a discussion written...and then I delete it. It either isn't coming out right (how I want/intend it to be) or I just decide to keep that small piece to myself, since I don't really discuss a few things with anyone. Which is kind of weird, considering how open I have been about many things...
4 people like this
• San Jose, California
24 Mar
We've all got personal stuff, and the internet is pretty public and permanent. I get it.
3 people like this
@ramapo17 (25547)
• Melbourne, Florida
20 May
I am the same way to. After I start something and I read it again, I delete it as I think it might be to personal, or nasty or offend some people. Some things we cannot just talk about to others. They would never understand or they might think I made it up as those things could never happen.
2 people like this
@kobesbuddy (54809)
• East Tawas, Michigan
25 Mar
What a beautiful family, Kelli:) Yes, when our parents get older, their health often declines. It's very hard to deal with, but you are a strong young lady. The both need your love and support, at this time:)
3 people like this
• San Jose, California
25 Mar
I think I'm 11 or 12 in this picture. The sister I'm holding is now in her 30s and has a master's degree in primatology.
2 people like this
• San Jose, California
25 Mar
The hardest part is understanding now why my mom and I didn't get along as I got older, and why she did some of the things she did. But now it's too late to have those conversations and repair our relationship.
2 people like this
• San Jose, California
25 Mar
@kobesbuddy I'm so sorry you had that to deal with. At least you were able to repair things a bit towards the end.
2 people like this
@Courtlynn (55025)
• United States
25 Mar
Sorry you have so much going on, and so much on your mind. Also sorry your mom doesnt remember which child you are, that's gotta be tough. . Hope she gets in there soon.
3 people like this
• San Jose, California
25 Mar
Some of it's a little bit my fault. We had a strained relationship and I didn't call or visit as often as some of the other daughters... so she has more recently formed memories of them than of me. Knowing that doesn't take much of the sting out, unfortunately.
2 people like this
@Courtlynn (55025)
• United States
25 Mar
1 person likes this
@ramapo17 (25547)
• Melbourne, Florida
24 May
@spiderdust I am sure it doesn't.
@LadyDuck (175661)
• Switzerland
25 Mar
You were a big family. It'w hard to see our parents age, but at least you are seeing them both aging. I lost my father when I was only 25, it was very hard.
3 people like this
• San Jose, California
25 Mar
Yeah, I imagine that would be worse in some ways.
2 people like this
@Morleyhunt (20692)
• Canada
24 Mar
I helped look after my mother inlaw and then my parents for several years. It's hard to watch them age and decline.
3 people like this
• San Jose, California
24 Mar
It is, even from this far away.
2 people like this
@Tampa_girl7 (26199)
• United States
25 Mar
I can understand what you are going through. My mama has Alzheimer's too and doesn't always know who I am.
2 people like this
• San Jose, California
25 Mar
How do you navigate that? What do you still find to talk about?
2 people like this
@Tampa_girl7 (26199)
• United States
25 Mar
@spiderdust most of the time my mama can't talk well enough to carry on a conversation. I mostly talk to her and she sometimes smiles and says a word or two. Then when I least expect it I may be able to actually have a conversation with her. We mostly talk about things that happened decades ago. She can still remember meeting my daddy in 1960. If you ever need to talk let me know. I can message you my number. It is just the cruelest disease.
2 people like this
• San Jose, California
26 Mar
@Tampa_girl7 Mom hums while she talks. I think it's because she can't figure out what words to say, but that she's happy I'm on the phone. I think it's confusing for her at the same time though because it's harder for her to identify who she's talking to if she can't see them.
1 person likes this
@Srbageldog (8247)
• United States
25 Mar
My grandmother had dementia and my dad is showing some signs of it. My grandmother never got bad enough that she didn't recognize people, I don't think. My grandpa on my mom's side showed signs of Alzheimer's towards the end of his life, but his memory loss was brought on by a stroke. It was hard visiting him and having him not really know who I was and thinking I was still in high school when I was in my 30s. The thought of losing my parents eventually is something I can't deal with. I know it will inevitably happen, but the thought of it makes me panic.
2 people like this
• San Jose, California
25 Mar
It's just hard losing a parent slowly in pieces this way.
2 people like this
• United States
26 Mar
@spiderdust I can only imagine. I fear the same happening to either of my parents.
1 person likes this
@ramapo17 (25547)
• Melbourne, Florida
30 May
That is one of the worst illnesses to have. Sometimes by looking at a person we do not see it and then they do something very strange and you wonder what that was about.
2 people like this
• Ponce De Leon, Florida
25 Mar
I know how hard of a decision that was for your dad. Hopefully your mom will get into a care facility soon that will be able to help her. I know just a little bit of how much you are going through right now. if you ever need someone to talk to, you have ways to get a hold of me, and I will do my best to listen and offer a shoulder.
2 people like this
@ramapo17 (25547)
• Melbourne, Florida
30 May
It is even hard when they go into a facility as then they think everyone is stealing from them. My mom drove us crazy the first week she was there and always told us so and so stole something from her dresser. Then some of the other patients would walk in and out of her room and if I was there they told me she was waiting for her bus and was going to miss it. I believed her in the beginning and went to the nurses station and told them and they said, she always says that.
• San Jose, California
1 Jun
@ramapo17 I found out that the reason why residents don't have phones in their rooms is because they were always calling 911 because they couldn't figure out how to get out or reporting that they had been kidnapped.
@marlina (77788)
• Canada
25 Mar
It is so sad when we see our parents getting older and having problems. Best wishes for your parents.
1 person likes this
@ramapo17 (25547)
• Melbourne, Florida
30 May
I think that is one of the worst things I have ever experienced in my life, other than a boyfriend dying from leukemia at 19 years old.
1 person likes this
• San Jose, California
1 Jun
@ramapo17 Oh, that must have been horrible!
1 person likes this
@ramapo17 (25547)
• Melbourne, Florida
1 Jun
@spiderdust Yes it was. It is not something a teenager wants to hear about someone they really cared for. I think it was the biggest shock I have ever had in my life. I can still remember it clearly.
@DianneN (84978)
• United States
27 Mar
What a lovely large family you came from. I lost both of my parents, but know how difficult it must be for you and your family.
1 person likes this
@nela13 (8166)
• Portugal
25 Mar
It is such a sad situation, Hope your mom get good health care that help her to recover her memories, I can't imagine how hard It is. God bless you and your beautiful family.
1 person likes this
@kepweng (18505)
• Waikoloa, Hawaii
28 Mar
yes really tought ifu have big family
@allknowing (69325)
• India
27 Mar
No one knows what old age is in store for anyone and one has to be just prepared for anything that comes one's way. Sending your mother to a place that cares for the sick and your father shifting close to that place seems a good option.
@rheicel (7296)
• Philippines
27 Mar
You have a wonderful family. Prayers for your family especially your mom I hope she gets better soon. Be strong and always pray I know God will help you.