Speechless and Tearful

@Juliaacv (27931)
Canada
April 16, 2018 8:31pm CST
Earlier today I was going to the car to go into work and saw a neighbour. She has chatted with me numerous times. There is quite a big age gap, but I don't mind since we just chat in passing. But today was different. Her husband has dementia and she has him in adult daycare at a special facility 3 times a week. A bus from the facility comes by and picks him up. So I asked her where he was today, and she said inside. And she wasn't very happy, so I hugged her and told her if she ever needed to let go to come over. She explained to me that this week they will be married 60 years. He was always a bully she told me, which made me so very sad, and now she told me that the shoe is on the other foot since she is not ill and he is. Her life must have been terrible for her to say that. I believe that I'll send them some flowers for their anniversary. He won't remember, but she deserves a little fussing over, and we'll do it for her. After talking to her I got into my car, speechless and tearful for a life not well spent from what she described. I know that the soul-mate kind of love that I share with my husband is unique, but I had no idea how some put up with misery for decades on end like that.
21 people like this
22 responses
@Happy2BeMe (72072)
• Canada
17 Apr
That is sad. I talked to a high school friend on the weekend and she was telling me about her life with her husband and how sad and lonely she feels every day. It made me sad to think she has been living that way for so long. I had no idea. It must be hard to live that way for so long,
4 people like this
@Juliaacv (27931)
• Canada
17 Apr
I cannot fathom 60 years of being married to someone that you consider to be a bully to the point that when their mind fails, you are resentful and mean right back to them. When did 2 wrongs ever make a right? What 2 very sad lives that is. Better to never marry at all then to suffer thru your lifetime such as they have.
2 people like this
@Happy2BeMe (72072)
• Canada
17 Apr
@Juliaacv I agree. 2 wrongs never make a right. She must have had a very miserable life to feel that way.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (27931)
• Canada
17 Apr
@Happy2BeMe I agree but I cannot think that is fair to take it out on him now, in fact I think it could be considered to be elder abuse. I try to chat with her when I see her out, so that she maybe can enjoy a bit of time in her life without being the sole caretaker, but its hard.
1 person likes this
@andriaperry (43709)
• United States
17 Apr
Its because she is not as cruel as he was, that is why she keeps him there.. I understand how she feels. Yes she deserves flowers!
2 people like this
@Juliaacv (27931)
• Canada
17 Apr
She always struck me as such a miserable and negative person, but now I have a glimpse into why she is that way.
1 person likes this
@andriaperry (43709)
• United States
18 Apr
@Juliaacv No one knows what is going on behind closed door. Some women live in a horror house and no one every knows.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (27931)
• Canada
18 Apr
@andriaperry Her husband looks cross most of the times that I've talked to him.
@Starmaiden (2523)
• Dartmouth, Nova Scotia
17 Apr
That is sad, but her character shines through her example. She takes care of him even if he hasnt taken care of her.
2 people like this
@Juliaacv (27931)
• Canada
17 Apr
But she told me that the shoe is on the other foot now, and although he shouldn't be left alone (for safety sake) she leaves him alone. Prisoners stuck together in a life long marriage, so sad for it to be described that way, but I don't know any other way. She didn't say that they were celebrating their anniversary, just having it, and that spoke volumes to me also.
1 person likes this
@LadyDuck (141927)
• Switzerland
17 Apr
I am so glad for the special relation I have with my husband and I know it was the same for my parents. I know that many women live with bossy and abusive men and some men live with women who are more like witches than wives.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (27931)
• Canada
17 Apr
I just feel so sad that her life has been spent in such a sad relationship. I hope that a floral arrangement delivered to her will lift her spirits, even if only for the life of those flowers. Her husband makes her live really cheaply as he has it in his mind that they only have enough money to last them 2 months-that is the dementia talking I believe.
1 person likes this
@LadyDuck (141927)
• Switzerland
17 Apr
@Juliaacv Poor woman, now it is surely dementia that makes her husband this way, but before that was not the reason. A very sad situation.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (27931)
• Canada
17 Apr
@LadyDuck I have read that studies show that some patients that suffer from dementia also showed periods of extreme violent anger during their younger days. Not all patients, but some, and this was a rather recent study.
1 person likes this
@mlgen1037 (8894)
• Manila, Philippines
17 Apr
Not people has a good and your neighbor is a good lady putting up with her husband’s cr*p. The husband is lucky to have her.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (27931)
• Canada
17 Apr
If he has been as much a tyrant and as miserable as she tells me he was, then I believe that it is karma that he is suffering from dementia. What comes around goes around.
1 person likes this
@mlgen1037 (8894)
• Manila, Philippines
17 Apr
@Juliaacv Sure it is, Julia. But how come she is able to put up with all his attitude all this time? Just made me curious.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (27931)
• Canada
18 Apr
@mlgen1037 I know, I wondered that myself. But she is a very negative person, and I wonder if his attitude has worn her down over the decades.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (47874)
• United States
17 Apr
That is so very kind. I KNOW it would mean the world to her. Sometimes it hits home how blessed we are.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (27931)
• Canada
17 Apr
I left that conversation feeling so very sad and heart broken, not blessed, but I suppose that I should have. I felt sad all day as a result.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (47874)
• United States
17 Apr
@Juliaacv About a year ago I read a story about a teenager whose 36 year old mother had dementia. I cried and cried (and got aggravated at myself for crying). I thought about how unfair life is sometimes. And then I thought, how blessed am I? My mom's situation was tragic. But I had a fully functioning mother longer than that teenager did. I wonder about that teenager sometimes, and each time it reminds me how blessed I was to have my mother when I did.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (27931)
• Canada
18 Apr
@AmbiePam Yes, you are right. Although your Mom was diagnosed and passed at such a young age, you had her at least until you yourself, were an adult, which it doesn't sound like this teenager will enjoy.
@Hannihar (27039)
17 Apr
@Juliaacv That is so so sad. That is so nice what you want to do for the lady. That is very sweet and I know she will appreciate it
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (27931)
• Canada
17 Apr
She broke my heart. I cannot change her life or her marriage, but to bring her a bit of happiness and reassurance that she has friends on her special anniversary, that I can do.
1 person likes this
@Hannihar (27039)
17 Apr
@Juliaacv That makes sense to me and to be there for her is very nice. It must be very hard for her. 60 years and she cannot celebrate because he will not remember.
1 person likes this
@Courtlynn (65228)
• United States
17 Apr
Honestly, I cant feel sorry for anyone who stays in a bad relationship. Though, I do wish she could have a nice anniversary. Which, looks like you will be giving her. And that is very kind of you. You are very lucky for that love and relationship you have.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (27931)
• Canada
17 Apr
She probably couldn't leave him back in those days they didn't do that, and if they did she probably didn't have any skills to apply for a job and earn a living. I don't know, but her words broke my heart. Maybe I am just gullible, as there are always 2 sides to every story, but so much makes sense about her now. I know that I'm lucky to have the relationship that I'm in, we both know that and work on it every day.
1 person likes this
@Courtlynn (65228)
• United States
17 Apr
@Juliaacv maybe. But to me, there is no excuse to be with someone if you're not happy. Even all those years back. Im glad you work on it
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (95712)
• Marion, Kansas
18 Apr
Unfortunately I have seen this all too often. It is sad. I have also seen the other side, where a partner lovingly does all they can for their loved one who know longer remembers.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (27931)
• Canada
18 Apr
Yes, I have seen loved ones caring for someone who doesn't remember or at time even remember them.
@Morleyhunt (19169)
• Canada
17 Apr
Like you...my husband and I have an excellent relationship (even after 42 years) that it's hard to imagine the heartache of 60 years in an unpleasant and unloving relationship.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (27931)
• Canada
18 Apr
Its almost a wasted life isn't it? The very thought of it makes me sad and my heart ache for the fact that she doesn't know true happiness.
1 person likes this
@Corbin5 (96379)
• United States
17 Apr
So kind of you to being some happiness to her life by sending flowers. That poor lady really is living a life that is devoid of joy.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (27931)
• Canada
18 Apr
Heart-breaking really, it takes the smile right off of my face whenever I think of our conversation.
1 person likes this
@JESSY3236 (5849)
• United States
17 Apr
That's sad. That's very sweet of you to do that for her.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (27931)
• Canada
18 Apr
Its such a small and simple gesture, and it won't erase the decades of misery, but if it brings her a few days of positivity and happiness, then its worth it.
1 person likes this
@bagarad (10666)
• Paso Robles, California
17 Apr
That is very sad. I'm glad you are going to try to cheer her up a bit on what should be a happy day for her but probably just makes her sad now. I'm so fortunate to be married to a man who loves me and is good to me.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (27931)
• Canada
17 Apr
I'm glad that you are also in a loving relationship, as am I. I pray for those that don't know true love.
1 person likes this
@Tampa_girl7 (24366)
• United States
17 Apr
That is very sad. I wonder why she stayed with him ?
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (27931)
• Canada
17 Apr
I would imagine that she couldn't leave him back in those days people did not do that. My mother knew a woman who was in an abused relationship, her husband used to sleep with a shotgun between them at night. That is brain-washing intimidation.
@neelia_lyn (1612)
• Philippines
17 Apr
Ah, women, they are wonderful creatures who are able to withstand even the worst trials of their lives. May God bless her for being a wonderful and faithful partner to her husband.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (27931)
• Canada
17 Apr
I never thought of it that way.
1 person likes this
@JudyEv (115930)
• Bunbury, Australia
17 Apr
That is sad yet I guess there are many that live this way - and also men who stay with nagging or otherwise unkind wives.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (27931)
• Canada
17 Apr
It just broke my heart to look into her eyes and see the sadness there as she spoke. It was almost haunting. There are days that I don't know what I'm going to do with my husband, but I have never felt intimidated or battered by him. I hope that the flowers lift her spirits.
@sharon6345 (115586)
• United States
17 Apr
I used to feel bad for them but I don't anymore. when I tell you how I sit and watch people live under horrible conditions in the name of love. My friend is constantly complaning about her man. I would like to know how many kids he needs to create outside before she lets go. Everything that is in that house is hers. he pays nothing. There is no way I could live that way. left my husband and went in the shelter . He cheated I was gone. Lol I believe that when you find a reason to stay. You live the best you can with that choice.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (27931)
• Canada
17 Apr
They've been married almost 60 years, and they are considerably older then we are, and I wonder if leaving him was ever an option.
@paigea (21557)
• Canada
17 Apr
Oh that is sad.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (27931)
• Canada
17 Apr
Heart breaking, especially to a romantic like myself.
1 person likes this
@TRBRocks420 (71183)
• Banks, Oregon
17 Apr
Very sad and, prayers going out.
1 person likes this
@Juliaacv (27931)
• Canada
17 Apr
Thanks TR, when I hugged her she just held on to me so tight. I think that the very least that I can do is have a nice arrangement sent to brighten their day.
1 person likes this
@AKRao24 (10592)
• India
17 Apr
I sincerely appreciate your concern and care for the next door lady you have. Yes I also feel bad for her. I appreciate your gesture of sending flowers to her which may make her happier on her anniversary at least for some time ! God bless @Juliaacv , you have a sweet and big heart to feel the emotions and pains of others! Thanks!
1 person likes this