I'm sitting here wondering what kind of person I truly am...

United States
July 12, 2018 2:34pm CST
I reread the P.M.'s from a lady friend that I apologized to earlier and it made me reflect on what kind of person I really am. I work hard at keeping my promises. There are times that I can't be very prompt with them. For one reason or another I can't immediately come through with my promises. Mostly it's because of my physical condition. I guess I need to explain that. In 1983 I was injured on the job that led me to live a life of pain and suffering. My life was filled with migraines, neck pain, unusable right hand and arm, inability to do much walking, inability to lift heavy objects, lack of ability to concentrate for long periods of time, horrific pain induced nightmares that would have me sitting up in bed screaming at the top of my lungs. I went through a couple of surgeries and some of the pain was eliminated. Other pain wasn't. I still have to be extremely careful when I walk or do many normal things so that I don't fall, if I fall or have any injury to my neck I will wind up a quadriplegic. Otherwise the pain is still severe and constant. I eat pain pills like M & M's. I just had to take another one to try to get pain under enough control to work on teddy bears. I started making teddy bears for two reasons. One was for something to take my mind off the horrific pain and boredom from not being able to work ever again. Secondly because I could sell the bears for a little augmentation to my disability income, also because I could give some of them away and give a smile to some people who were having awful days too. I have lived a life that I have worked hard to keep my promises, even if it takes a few days to keep them. I wish I had the kind of money that I could help the world, unlike the leaders of countries (especially the U.S.) and instead of living in posh homes and having our own expensive luxury cars and our own jets I would use the money to help those who are in dire need. It's long past the time of looking to ourselves and looking to others that are in need. I try to help others whether it's a dollar or two or if possible more. But living on a limited disability income it's hard to give a lot of money. I feel awful when I tell someone that I can help them out and I don't have the money to help them out more than what I can. I hate sniveling and whining about what has happened to me, my losing my home, my animals, my car, how horrible my childhood was and so much more. There are people who read about it and say "She deserves it because of what she has done in the past". I guess I do. I promised myself long ago that I would do everything that I could to help others and give them love and understanding. Whether it was a hug or a teddy bear or a bag of food to get them by for a few days. I promised NOT to publicly humiliate them in any way. I just wanted to be able to give to them. It might have taken a couple of days due to the fact that there are times that I get so sick from a migraine that I can't move from the bed, and the only way I can get to the toilet is to crawl on the floor on my hands and knees from the bed to the toilet. I can't even think of getting on the computer let alone doing anything else. But I guess I earned that punishment for being an awful person. Reflecting on what I just wrote, I guess I am just as horrible a person as my sibling was, as horrible as the person I apologized to stated I was. I'm not worth my boyfriend's love let alone the love of those around me. If I knew where the cave was back here I would move into it because obviously that is where I belong.
3 people like this
3 responses
@RasmaSandra (72527)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
13 Jul 18
Everyone has a lot of good in them You do too and don't think otherwise. Try one of the things that help me. If I ever get to the point that I begin crying and thinking to myself that I am not a good person or that I should do better then I just yell at myself to stop it and surprise myself so much that it always helps me to get back on the track. Be good to yourself and don't put yourself down. Virtual hugs.
1 person likes this
@sallypup (57307)
• Centralia, Washington
13 Jul 18
@BearArtistLady Grief and PTSD are sneaky. They can come up behind you and bite you in the rump. Please oh please find a support group- folks who also deal with Booger Stuff- talk and listen; not being alone will help. More hugs!!
• United States
17 Jul 18
You have been there for me too, I'll fill you in "quickly" on the last two days. Yesterday Bill (my boyfriend) knew I couldn't make it though the day in the pain I was in so he took me to the ER and they "promptly" (as promptly as an ER moves if you're not dying) put me in an exam room, poked me with a needle to start IV solution (I swear they pumped in 6 gallons! Or was it 15 Leiters?) anyhow the doctor came in briefly and told me they were doing CT scans to make sure that nothing happened in my brain to cause the Migraine I was having. Then he shot off like a rocket and the CT guy came in, said something to the nurse and wheeled me away. I joked that they wouldn't find a brain but he claimed they did....then he hauled me back. He apparently went off shift and the new guy came in and took me to CT and did the same one with contrast. Later they pumped some chemecials in my body to help with the migraine and sent me home. I just received an email from my friend that has the bear making supply shop and she has been helping me out with my situation since the fire. One thing she said to me stuck and I glombed onto the thought. She said "Silly Goose" you need to take care of yourself. That struck me just right and I am starting a new division of my business called "Silly Goose Bears".....and that's all the information everyone is going to get until I get some made and some photographs taken that I can post. (that's going to be tricky...I don't even have the camera yet! ROTFL! I don't have a hand held camera I just have the one on my tablet and it doesn't take really good pictures to post here. I want good ones when I start posting on the lot. Anyhow, that's all the clues you all get! I'm going to get a discussion out of it next...I hope! But I wanted my friends to hear it first!!!
• United States
13 Jul 18
Thank you! Your post and @Sallypup's posts were the best medicine to get up to this morning. I haven't allowed myself to realize that there is good inside, I allowed myself to believe that there is so much bad because of one comment from someone (I apologize for publicly humiliating them) who has been telling me otherwise. I have forgotten that I was told by medical professionals that I am suffering from PTSD and that I will suffer from it for the rest of my life. I need to research PTSD and review what the symptoms are and what to expect. I know that one thing that does help a LOT is getting hugs. Your sending the virtual hugs helps me tons and tons...even more than you may realize! Thank you!!!
2 people like this
@sallypup (57307)
• Centralia, Washington
12 Jul 18
Oh you!!!!! Please, please go burn this writing and know that you are good just the way you are. Love and love and love yourself. You are a survivor though that has beat the blank out of you and dang I am sorry for that. Is there anybody near you that can just hold you in a huge hug?? Just be a warm blanket for you. (I hate migraines and know a bit too much about them.) I'm sending you warm, silly vibes. Please walk easy, friend. Please.
• United States
12 Jul 18
Thank you so much for the comment. I love teh warm silly vibes!!! I can sure use them right now! I don't feel much like working on the teddy bears at this point, and I had gotten up this morning excited because the sewing machine was ready to go and I was ready to start sewing bears. I also got the alligator clips (also known as "roach" clips to the people of the '60's generation) so that making the mini bears would be much easier. After receiving the reply to the post and the P.M. I've gotten to the point that I am afraid to post any comment because I was just told that I am busily having a pity party and that anything I am writing is publicly humiliating and slandering a person I was hoping to have as a friend. I just want to sit and cry my eyes out because for one I wasn't writing what I said to publicly humiliate the person or slander them, and I sure wasn't going for a pity party. I was trying with all my might to apologize to her for what happened. I also was informed that I blew everything that had happened out of proportion. Maybe I did, but it was my way of dealing with things. I apologize for being so boring with continually "talking" about what had happened in the past. Right now I just want to go back to my happy life making teddy bears and taking care of my critters and enjoying posting on myLot, I don't want to be terrified of opening a post from someone and having them rip me apart. I will say that one of the happy moments this week was getting a heavy duty sewing machine that I can use for making teddy bears. I got it from one of the myLot members and named the machine for her mother, "Marj". It's a very special machine and is a working fool. It also makes me feel better, so maybe in the next few days I'll start feeling better after the comments made by the person I had hoped to be friends with. If she feels that I am pubicly humiliating and slandering her, I apologize in advance. I'm not doing anything like that and not doing it for a pity party or a few moments of pity...I just want to be the me that I've been all these years that have loved and helped people that I've hardly known. I've done this because I'm that kind of person and not because I want recognition for doing it. I hate being driven to the point of feeling that I am so totally worthless and an awful person... I'm still considering that cave...providing I can find it.
1 person likes this
@sallypup (57307)
• Centralia, Washington
13 Jul 18
@BearArtistLady I wish with all my being that you could/would get to an emotional support group. Your feelings matter. You matter. That person who was not nice matters but she/he also needs to attempt to listen respectfully and with heart. You have gone through a heck of a lot and yes you have PTSD- anybody would. Like my daughter has said to me, "You have nothing to be ashamed of." Walk with your head high. You are a survivor. Survivors often have burns and deep bruises etc. But under it all you matter. You are a child of God so if at all possible, find a social worker or some such and demand they find you a support group. I am not saying you are crazy. I am saying that you hurt and sometimes that hurt can be helped by leaning on others who also hurt. Please do seek the help that you deserve. Please do go find that spark of life.
• United States
13 Jul 18
@sallypup You have just given me that spark! I just got up and as is my habit I went to the lot. Your post was the first one that came up on the computer and I am sitting here crying both with joy and relief. I can't understand attack after attack from the person (again, I apologize for publicly humiliating her) and her continually telling me that I am continually holding a pity party. I know, as you said, I hurt very deeply and am using every ounce of inner strength to keep from letting that pain show to my boy friend. If he catches me crying and showing the pain he will be there crying with me and I don't want that to happen to him too. I have experienced a lot of different kinds of pain, but none like this. Your post has helped me more than you will ever realize, and hopefully I will soon be able to seek professional help and regain my old self and once again be happy. But you have helped lift my head and my heart this morning and put a smile in my heart and on my face again. Thank you! Hopefully today will be a day that I can work on the bears and enjoy the work like I did. That was a huge spark in my life!
1 person likes this
@jstory07 (133794)
• Roseburg, Oregon
16 Jul 18
You have a lot of good in you so do not feel bad at all.