Serious suggestions from experience, Mom passed away after 6 long years in a wheelchair.
By Nancy Zink
@ramapo17 (30441)
Melbourne, Florida
July 19, 2018 11:12pm CST
I was just cleaning out some old books on a shelf by my computer and as always when I start cleaning I come across some things I am not sure if I should have started this.
My mom had alztheimers for years but as it started slowly and later she had a stroke I was there to help her after months in the hospital and then a nursing home. My dad insisted on bringing her home but the family didn't think it was such a good idea as he was old. Mom was in her early 80's and dad was 3 years older than her.
In the book I found today brought out a lot of emotions for me. I use to visit her once a week after work and stay over night and go back to work the next day. It was 1 1/2 hours from work to her house and another hour home.
Every time I went to see her I would bring her some children's toys. I would always think of ways to keep her occupied as she was in a wheel chair or bed. I would sit with her and play some oldie music from the 40's to the 60's. A few times I gave her a note book just to see what she would do with it. I did look at it but not as closely as tonight.
She wrote in the book so many things that I was shocked. Some things were, "I want to get up, I want to go home", she actually wrote her correct address, she wrote my birthday and many other personal things."
Here all these years later I am feeling like it was yesterday. If you ever have a loved one in a situation like this, don't give up on them and roll them in a room and leave them alone. Be there for them and talk to them. You don't know what they can understand.
I wish I had looked at the book closer many years ago. One other thing I use to do was put pictures on the wall for her to look at. The long months she was in the hospital with the stroke and could not move I alternated the pictures to different walls and roll her over so she didn't stare at the same thing everyday.
I hope this might help someone out there that might be going to something similar even though I certainly hope not.
23 people like this
23 responses
@LadyDuck (458091)
• Switzerland
20 Jul 18
Mom had no Alzheimer's disease, nor senile dementia. She became paralyzed after the stroke (she was already 96) and it was impossible to bring her back home. She only lived 6 weeks in the hospital, she had a great pain talking, but she repeated, no place is wonderful like your home. I felt so bad not being able to help.
7 people like this
@AKRao24 (27424)
• India
20 Jul 18
I am touched ! Really, such people they need attention and care ! While appreciating the efforts you have taken to look after her I sincerely thank you to share your experience here, which may be useful for many people here! Stay blessed dear friend!
6 people like this
@ramapo17 (30441)
• Melbourne, Florida
21 Jul 18
My dad refused to put her in a home and wanted to do it himself. My sister and I took turns each week going to see her one day a week and staying overnight to go back to work which was 1 1/2 hours away. It was rough on us but we did it every week for 3 years.
1 person likes this
@ramapo17 (30441)
• Melbourne, Florida
20 Jul 18
Thank you. I just wanted to get across to people that just because a loved one can not speak to them does not mean the person does not understand. They might be able to communicate one way or another. My moms way was through a notebook even though she could only use one hand as she was paralyzed on the one side totally.
3 people like this
@andriaperry (116860)
• Anniston, Alabama
20 Jul 18
@ramapo17 I do understand because I have worked with people that had dementia.
3 people like this
@responsiveme (22926)
• India
20 Jul 18
So true, I hope I will go on caring and loving even when things get tough.
You took good care
3 people like this
@ramapo17 (30441)
• Melbourne, Florida
23 Jul 18
@responsiveme You are so right. I was totally exhausted during that whole time and I went through it again with my dad as he refused to go to any place but his house. He was a very stubborn man.
1 person likes this
@responsiveme (22926)
• India
21 Jul 18
@ramapo17 the caregiver has to bear a lot
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (98827)
• India
21 Jul 18
Nancy such a touching fact. Dad is almost 84 and still with me, and alert and I thank god that he is alright, and yes, I dread losing him for more reasons than being lonely or being insecure or being unable to do many things that he is still doing for me or for love he has in his heart for me as nobody else ever had and ever will. I feel blessed looking at him alive everyday. To be loved is a great thing. I often feel selfish. I feel if things were different, I might have chosen to judge him for his past and walk away. I feel I am less of a saint than he. Loving parents are truly a blessing whatever may have been their failures in other parts of our lives. Only humans make mistakes. And that as human being he has done so much for me, means he scored well. God will understand I think even if scored low in other subjects. This one may more than make up for those subjects. I can't thank JJ enough for making me realize that men also care. For a long time I debated whether they did or did not. The in-depth story he narrated made me observe my father more keenly and yes, I have a relationship on my hand, and I am making the most of it, while it lasts and as long as god so wills.
2 people like this
@ramapo17 (30441)
• Melbourne, Florida
22 Jul 18
I am happy you still have your dad with you. Even if he doesn't show it he knows being with you is special. Inside his skin he is happy that he is watching over you. Some people do not show emotions and cannot express themselves verbally. I never in my life ever thought that men didn't care. They are human and sometimes, yes, they cry to.
1 person likes this
@Marilynda1225 (79730)
• United States
20 Jul 18
Having been down this road recently your post hit home to me. I hope anyone else going through this can get some help from the advice you offer.
2 people like this
@Marilynda1225 (79730)
• United States
21 Jul 18
@ramapo17 the internet is wonderful isn't it
1 person likes this
@ramapo17 (30441)
• Melbourne, Florida
22 Jul 18
@Marilynda1225 I often think about what the future is going to be like in the next few years. We have seen so many things in our life time.
1 person likes this
@ramapo17 (30441)
• Melbourne, Florida
21 Jul 18
Thank you Marilyn. I hope it will help some people. I was on a website for things like this and it was a chat line and people shared experiences that they were going through. The internet is so good in helping with almost any questions we need answered.
2 people like this
@birjudanak (14319)
• India
20 Jul 18
really its touched to heart as she facing problem but she just writes her pain inside a book. according to me to take care of parents is the best thing and it will never go empty. I just think that when we were small and when we need of them they always stood without any problem when they need in old age we also have to stand up with them although whatever situation. they are also human and they also want love in the worst situation. i am glad you visit her and spend time with her and this time give her a lot of joy and encouragement.
3 people like this
@dgobucks226 (34368)
•
20 Jul 18
What a moving story Nancy! I went through a similar painful experience with my mother who suffered a stroke. Those are some wonderful suggestions. And as you said, be there to comfort them. They know your there.
2 people like this
@ramapo17 (30441)
• Melbourne, Florida
21 Jul 18
Thanks @dgobucks226. In the beginning after she woke up in the hospital I would wheel her to the exercise room and toss beach balls at her and she would try to hit it back. I don't think she ever did but I wanted to try everything and to keep her occupied for at least awhile.
2 people like this
@ramapo17 (30441)
• Melbourne, Florida
23 Jul 18
@dgobucks226 You are right and we all know what the outcome will be but we don't want to give up.
1 person likes this
@dgobucks226 (34368)
•
22 Jul 18
@ramapo17 When it comes to parents and illness we always feel their is hope they will recover. At least I felt this way about my Mom until the very end 
1 person likes this
@Jessabuma (31700)
• Baguio, Philippines
21 Jul 18
That's so nice of you to take good care of her. I love your post. Thanks for sharing it.
2 people like this
@Jessabuma (31700)
• Baguio, Philippines
22 Jul 18
@ramapo17 you're most welcome
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (157551)
• United States
20 Jul 18
Thank you, this is a very good share. Alzheimers and other dementias are so difficult for the people who are the caregivers.
2 people like this
@ramapo17 (30441)
• Melbourne, Florida
21 Jul 18
They are horrible diseases. I never knew is she was going to be yelling at me because she didn't know who I was or if she was going to be sweet. I was told to get out of the house often when I got to her house after a long day at work and a long drive there.
@BelleStarr (61047)
• United States
20 Jul 18
Thank you for posting this, I am sure it will help many people who are dealing with a similar situation.
2 people like this
@Shiva49 (26202)
• Singapore
20 Jul 18
My mother is ninety and we take turns to look after.
She is lucid but does not come out of her room mostly lying down or sitting.
It is a tough time for her and also us as we know she is hurting.
We have visitors often and that keeps her happy and engaged.
All is memory sooner than we think - siva
2 people like this
@Dena91 (15860)
• United States
20 Jul 18
Thanks for sharing. Mike's dad has dementia and cancer and we went through 2 major surgeries this spring. Because of that he has become more withdrawn and doesn't speak a lot. I may suggest a note book to see if he would write anything down.
2 people like this
@ramapo17 (30441)
• Melbourne, Florida
21 Jul 18
I use to buy some games that little kids liked to sit with her and try and play. She would smile and that made me feel good. I had one game where we had to put a disk down the top and it made a tic tac toe display. That was very easy for her to do as she only had use of one arm. I got her crayons and coloring book. She loved when I put on some CD's that I bought from her era, like Frank Sinatra, The Platter etc. She would sing with it in a faint way.
2 people like this
